In April of 2014, I found out that I would be attending Columbia College Chicago in the fall for Comedy Writing and Performance. I woke up to the email on a Thursday morning filled with joy and by that night I was screaming and crying in my car wondering if it'll be worth it. The excitement wore off that quickly. I didn't even have a full day of bliss. Why? Well that's what I'm going to bring light to in this blog that only gay men and stay at home moms read.
Thursday morning, I am awakened by my alarm like every other morning. I look at my phone to turn the alarm off and notice an email icon in the corner. I open it to find "You're IN!" I screeched like a bad set of brakes and proceeded to tell my mom and post a status on Facebook. Though everyone I encountered that day greeted me with smiles and yelps, I responded with what felt like fake smiles and unenthusiastic yelps but I couldn't understand why.
Then I went to work in the costume shop. I told my boss and mentor that I got into Columbia and her reaction was the one I craved all day. She congratulated me but also said that this isn't the end. She told me, this is where the work begins. The next step is getting the degree. The next step after that is getting a job. The next step after that is keeping that job and so on. She reminded me that one accomplishment doesn't mean I should slow down. There are always more things to be striving for. I really appreciate these words.
Later on that day, we had a formal in the Black Box at Sinclair. I put on a beautiful dress, curled my hair and danced until it was straight again. It was a great to be able to dance out all of the nervousness of the day. Especially when Dog Days Are Over by Florence and the Machines came on. I actually screamed that EVERYONE needed to be on the dancefloor for this song. I requested the song because my high school never played it at my prom. I wanted to dance like a hippie at Woodstock and this song is the closest I would ever get to dancing like that. While I was dancing to this song and singing the words, "Happiness hit her like a bullet in the back of the head." I started to laugh. It had. Happiness hit me so hard that I wasn't sure what to do with myself. Every moment I had worried about getting into Columbia or never making anything of my life was disappearing with every note of that song. I had done it. The dog days of Dayton were over. I realized it wasn't a dream anymore. These were plans. Chicago was in my sights and I just had to dance. The song ended and I thanked everyone for humoring me.
The dancing finished and the formal was coming to an end. As we went to our cars saying, "Meet you at Steak N Shake." with the excitement only college students can have, doubt started to creep in.
I finally had to sit in silence by myself and reflect on the road ahead of me. I took all things into account about working my ass off and following a dream. I knew this is my purpose in life. I still know that. But then I started seeing the faces of my family and friends here. All the people that made me who I am today. All the new friends I'm only just starting to get to know. All the nieces and nephews I'm never going to get close to. I was overwhelmed by this. I felt guilt. I felt anger. I felt helpless. Should I be leaving everyone who loves me for something completely unknown? When I was younger, I wasn't very close with my brothers so leaving wasn't a big deal. Now, I stand on common ground with them as an adult and by "common ground", I mean slight alcoholism. We were just starting to bond. How could I leave that? Both of my brothers got married within the last two years and are trying to start or grow their family. Their families that would only know me as the cool aunt that lives in Chicago. I won't get to know these kids as they grow up. HOW CAN I LEAVE?
As I sat in that Steak N Shake parking lot alone slamming my fists into the dashboard, I realized that these are the kinds of sacrifices I'm going to have to make if I want a life like I've always imagined. I realized that Dayton has nothing for me anymore career wise. This thought gave me peace. I wiped my tears, put on a pretty face and marched into that Steak N Shake with my head high. As I saw my friends, I realized that if I'm leaving in 3 months I won't take any moment for granted.
Now, after a month of preparing to move, I can honestly say I'm ready. I'm ready to start a new life like my brothers. They are having kids and I'm accumulating debt. To be honest, that's exactly how I've always wanted it to be.
So this summer I will be working, hanging out with friends, and maybe even falling in love. I won't be thinking about how sad it is or how much I want to be in Chicago already. I'm going to be living in the moment. Enjoying every second I have with Dayton and everyone in and around it.
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
