Full House at 2, Empty Bed at 3.

I'm single. I'm 23. I'm (barely) financially stable. I'm learning to love myself before I love men.

But last night, loneliness felt like it was piercing my chest. It got to me. The emptiness of my bed felt unbearable, though my heated blanket was trying its darndest to replicate the warmth of a man. I laid there wishing my pillow was made of ribs and chest hair. Thick, dark hair that I could run my fingers through. Or maybe no hair. Maybe just a chest, bare and warm. A chest for me to call my resting place. My solace. My home base. Or at least a place I can rent while I'm traveling through life. His chest could be like the pillow at a hostel that I know will be given to another person soon but I still do my best to sleep while I have it.

I think of all the times I took having someone else's body heat in my bed for granted. How could I be angry about being sweaty? How could I be frustrated that he was breathing on my neck? How could I turn away because I claim to sleep better that way? Last night I would have taken the sweat and breath of any man who would have me. Or at least that's what my chest was telling me I would do. In my day to day life, talking to a man with the intention of finding him soon after in my bed feels daunting.

After a weekend of parties and drinking, my lonely heart couldn't bare a full house at 2am and an empty bed at 3. In college, a party meant a warm bed. You could pretty much close your eyes, spin around and point to your next bedmate. Now, it's not that easy. I don't want to sleep with just anyone. I don't want to sleep with the cute comedy boys I had over on Friday. I can't. I've already taken too many in my bed. They've already kept me warm and I kicked them out into the cold. I can't do it again. I can't look into a man's eyes while I'm lying to him anymore. I can't look into a man's eyes and know I'm lying to myself anymore. I just can't.

But my chest still yearns. My brain flashes back to the sheets I had before. All the men whose faces I have seen horizontal. All of the eyes that flickered as they dreamed. All the faces I could just reach out and touch. All the lips I could lean over and kiss. I miss those men on nights like last night. Those men weren't my man but I miss them all the same.

So I wait. I don't believe in soulmates. I'm not waiting for that. I'm waiting for an undeniable connection. That takes time. So I lay down and try to breathe like I learned in yoga. I turn on my meditation/sleep app and I drift away with my chest still reaching towards the void. Reaching towards a man I do not know yet. Someone who I will be able to love. Someone who I will know horizontally again. Someone who is with someone else right now, or whose chest is as pierced by loneliness as my own. And HECK! Maybe someone who doesn't tell jokes for a goddamn living.

Thanks for listening. Come back for more.

Money Woe Is Me

I owe around $110,000 to the government for my education, $6,943 to Columbia College for the last semester of my education, $2,187 to my credit card company, and $1,895 to a hospital who gave me an IV and told me to go buy extra strength exedrin. For me to pay off my college debt before I'm 31, I will have to pay $1,208 a month for 8 years, not including interest. I currently make $41,000 a year from my two jobs. After taxes, I make $2,760 a month. I pay $600 in rent, $100 for my train pass, $50 for utilities and soon will be paying $101 for health insurance through my desk job. That leaves me $310 after all of my expenses. $310. For an entire month. OH and groceries are around $150 because to stay healthy and out of the doctor's office means spending more on fruits and veggies. So now we are down to $160. That means I can't save for improv classes, I can't contribute to company potlucks, I can't move to L.A and pursue my acting career, I can't visit Ohio for 8 years. 8 years just to be out of debt for 4 years of education. Being a college educated woman is one of my proudest accomplishments. Even if I didn't finish fully, I spent my time learning, growing, becoming more empathetic. The people I met, the books I read, and the shows I saw shaped me as a human being. I will never regret my education. 

I'm not lazy. I work every day of the week and do shows on Saturdays. I want to make a life for myself. I don't want anyone to hand it to me. But goddamnit, why are young people who seek a better life in financial chains for most of their young adult life. The years we should be focused on self fulfillment and growth are not ours anymore. My mother was having children by my age. She owned a house by my age. She had a 401K set up by my age. She is one of the only people over 45 who seems to be empathetic to the fact that, financially, my generation is fucked. I never want to own a home but I want to have a nice wedding and honeymoon, I want to travel and I want to adopt my children. But I can't do any of that until my debt is paid off. The average price to adopt a child is $34,000. How could I EVER afford that with student loan debt and the regular expenses of raising a child? WHY WOULD ANYBODY MARRY ME WITH $110,000 IN STUDENT LOAN DEBT?

If I file bankruptcy or die, my debt still has to be paid. Even if I kill myself, my debt would fall on the shoulders of my mother. HOW CRAZY IS THAT?!? Even in death, we cannot escape our student debt. If I were to get cancer, I would refuse treatment. I would beg my friends and family to first help me pay off my college debt so that in the event of my death, my mother wouldn't be left with a hole in her heart and a life ruining amount of debt. I think about this scenario so often. I couldn't bare receiving treatment that will cost thousands of dollars, only to lose my battle and leave my mother with more debt. THIS IS WHAT I MENTALLY PREPARE MYSELF FOR WHEN MY BRAIN DRIFTS OFF. 

Fuck any legislator that doesn't believe in free college. Fuck them. Fuck colleges who build new student centers instead of paying their teachers a livable wage, or charging their students a manageable amount of tuition. Fuck baby boomers who tell millennials they worked to pay off their student debt in a summer and we just aren't trying hard enough/are asking for everyone to take care of us. Fuck anyone who doesn't know the stress of filling out the FAFSA. FUCK the fact that I fantasize about winning the lottery more than 3 times a week. FUCK THIS TAX PLAN. FUCK.

I try my damndest to stay positive. I've worked for years to train my brain to see the lovely parts of other people and tough situations. But this is an ugly part of modern life that needs to be dealt with. We need an educated work force. We need empathetic people in our world. We need free or more manageable tuition. 

My generation is not lazy. We are not entitled. We are not asking too much. We want to live. We want to be financially independent. I, personally, want to be able to afford my future children. THAT'S FUCKING ALL. 

Thanks for listening. Come back for more.