On February 28th, 2018, I started Level 1 at iO.
For weeks after, every time I left that place I felt so insecure and lonely.
Everyone seemed to know everyone and every seemed to be so good at improv. I
have been around the improv scene for a couple of years but still felt so far
away from this theater. I cried a lot. In Lyfts, In the shower, In bed.
After 3
Wednesdays of crying in my Lyft home from class, it felt so repetitive. Every
week I would talk to myself like I was some chump who was trying to be a cool
improviser. I was concerned that the cool people at the bar thought I was a
lame poser. But in my Lyft, I finally said STOP to myself. I remember
thinking/talking to myself like a child, saying, “We’re done with that now. We’re
done being me to me. Those white dudes in plaid don’t give a shit about you,
they don’t see you like you don’t see some people on the train. You just haven’t
met. Why are you basing your whole self worth on a bunch a people who have no
clue who you are and would probably like you just fine if they knew you
personally. We’re DONE being mean to me.”
I got out of the car, unlocked my
door, went into my apartment and threw myself a little dance party. I danced in
a way that made me feel fun. Not “what dance moves are cool to watch”. Ones that
made my body feel like the temple that it is. I broke a sweat. I laughed with
myself and at myself. I loved it. I went to sleep happy. A week later, I
changed my phone lock screen from something I thought other people would see
and think I’m cool to a picture of tulips that filled me with pure joy and
excitement for spring/summer. This was another small step in self-love that felt very big.
From
then on, my goal has changed in improv. “Is this fun?” “Do I feel like I’m
using my brain and body to help my teammates?” “Am I proud of myself after
this?” If I answer no to any of those questions, I don’t cry in Lyfts anymore.
I pat myself on the back and remind myself I’m lucky enough to get to try
again. In the next to weeks, I have 3 shows, 1 class, and an improv festival.
That makes me feel unbelievably lucky. Improv gets easier with time and
practice but so does being kind to myself. Both of these crazy journeys are not
linear. I relapse on my self-hate every once and a while but I’m learning how
to bounce back quicker or know when I need to give myself time and attention.
Both journeys inform each other. Loving myself helps me love and take care of
the people on stage/in class. Being honest about my weaknesses doesn’t make me
weak, it makes me strong enough to look fear of being unworthy in the face and
say, “You are worthy but we’ve got work to do. You’re awesome now, imagine the
woman/improviser you’ll be in a year or 10. I can’t wait.”
So in the coming weeks, after shows or class, I will sit at
the bar and reflect with a PBR and perhaps a friend. I will ride thoughtfully
in my Lyft, tear free, excited for my next chance to perform and improve.
Thank you for listening. Come back for more.
