Make It Stop

This summer, I had a passionate romance with a very nice man named Charles. For three months, he made me very happy and sad at the same time. The sadness came from the fact that this relationship would only be 3 months long. On August 20th, we broke up. The following week, I finally accomplished my dream of studying comedy in Chicago. My greatest accomplishment in life was shadowed by the terrible pain of this short relationship.

In the months before meeting Charles, I was lonely and searching for a reason to continue. I was taking steps towards the life I'd always wanted but never felt like it was real. I was numb to everything around me. Good, bad and the ugly. Especially the good. It was hard for me to connect with anyone on a personal level.

Charles came into my life like a lightening bolt. He lit up my skies. He showed me just how beautiful life can be. He showed me the meaning of companionship. He made me feel like I belonged to something greater than myself. But fun fact about lightening: as quickly as it comes, it goes. When lightening leaves you are only left with what you think it looked like. Slowly over time, the vivid image becomes blurry. You start to forget what was so exciting about it in the first place.

To this day, I can't remember what his face looks like. I look at pictures when I'm doing my daily stalking, and think, I don't even know who that is anymore. It's only been a month and I feel like he's a completely different person. It's like he's dead to me. Even when we do text or speak, it's like he's a phone. A charismatic, witty phone. A phone that makes me laugh about the idea of folding clothing. A phone that makes me cry when it says it has to go.

Well I'm still madly in love with this phone. Which is unfortunate because after a break up, I always want to be mad at my ex. I want him to have done me wrong. I want to say, "I don't need his shit anyway!" But that's not the case with this one. I left. I pursued my dream. He stayed the same. Which is why it's so hard to fall out of love with that. We are both so young. We both want to do some amazing things before we settle down. We can't go around making life long commitments in our early 20s.

But he's the first person I've felt connected to in a long time. So how do I give that up like it was just a summer romance? Honestly, I'm asking whoever is reading to help me. I have no moral to this blog. Just a request. Help me understand this.

In all honesty, Chicago is everything I thought it would be and more. Good and bad. 99.5% of my day I'm thinking about comedy and school and friends. Honest. But when I think about him, like when I see someone on a bike or when I see the letters CW (his name to the majority of people who know him except my friends) inscribed in all of the manhole coverings. When that happens, I have a terrible PTSD flashback and have to pull myself together within a couple of seconds. The worst is when I'm in my bed at night and it's dark and it's quiet and I have nothing to distract me so all of the memories come flooding back in. When will this stop? Will it ever stop? And most importantly, do I want it to stop?

Maybe in a week I'll post anything blog with the title, "OVER IT!" Maybe I'll remember only the bad memories for a change. Maybe I'll hate him. But I highly doubt it.

Thank you for listening. Come back for more.

Am I Enough?

For the past 2 months, every person I talked to told me they were proud of me.

"You're so brave."
"I could never do that."
"You're gonna be on SNL, I just know it."

I was happy to know that people thought such wonderful things but I had a hard time believing it was true. I won't know for a long time whether or not I made the right decision pursuing a life in comedy. One thing I do know, I didn't believe them.

I watch all these other comedians and actors doing some really incredible work. Original, hilarious work. When I see that, I wonder if I'll ever find what fulfills me as an "artist". Not to mention if I can make money from it. As an actor/comedian, I am my product. That's a terrifying realization. It leads to a lot of doubts about yourself. "Am I funny enough?" "Am I smart enough?" "Am I bold enough?"

But recently when asking myself those questions, I noticed one overwhelming question that encompasses every doubt. "Am I enough?"

Today I proudly say yes.

Though I have no idea what my life will look like in 5 years, I have faith it will be exactly where I'm meant to be.

2 years ago, I was starting school at Sinclair Community College with a chip on my shoulder. I wished I was going away to school like the rest of my friends from high school. They were having so much fun and I was stuck in Dayton.

Fast forward, to right now. I sit in my bed the night before my first class at Columbia College Chicago and know that those two years were the best thing that ever happened to me. I wouldn't be here today if I wasn't there first. I hit rock bottom in those two years and realized a lot of hard life lesson you can only learn from experience. Thanks to the last two years of my teenage years, I know that pain is inevitable which is why it is so important to always fight for the things you love. Whether that's a person or a career, you must give it your all. I'm still working on that but at least I'm working. I know I'm not anywhere near ready for Comedy Central or SNL but I have faith that if I keep trying, one day I will be doing exactly what I'm meant to be doing. Even if I'm not sure what that is right now.

So as I start classes tomorrow, I will remember that I'm not here to be the best, I'm here to learn and grow and become the person I'm supposed to be.

Thanks for listening. Come back for more.