December 30th, 2015

Pregnancy scares bring out every couples true colors. 36 hours ago, my colors were blazing.

Monday night, I went to Columbus. I was celebrating my oldest friend Lily's birthday with our friend Robin. We had a fantastic time eating gigantic sandwiches and laughing over old times. It was a splendid evening with good company. The whole time, though, I had another reason for going to the capitol of Ohio. One word: Charles. The C word met us at the Dube after all of our giggles started to get tired. He came in like he always does with shifty eyes and hands in his pockets. It's always nerve wracking when your boyfriend is meeting your friends. It's even more nerve wracking when your ex-boyfriend/current lover is meeting your conservative christian friends. As usual, it took time to warm up but within 10 minutes we were all laughing and joking. Soon, it was time for my friends to go back to reality in New Carlisle. I said goodbye to them and walked to Charles' apartment with my book bag full of clothes and toiletries.

Romance and nudity ensued for a couple of hours. We missed each other and it was very evident in our frustration about his roommate wanting to hang out. At roughly 2am, we were "going at it" and I hear a noise so terrifying, it sends shivers up your spine. The condom broke as he was blasting off. A panic ensues and I run to the bathroom to "wash it out" which my many health classes have taught me doesn't really work. But hey, this is a pregnancy were talking about. I've got too many things I'd like to do to my body, like eat sushi and smoke cigars when other people have "planned" babies. My hot, young life flashed before my eyes in a way it never had before. After I finished my pointless washing, I went back downstairs and hugged Charles with all the muscles in my arms and body. He reminded me of Plan B and we began to breathe again. But the breaths came with fears. We began realizing that we were playing with fire here. Not just by having sex with only one form of protection, but emotionally. We began to wonder why we were still pretending like this relationship was normal. Every time I came into town, we would play house for a couple of days and then went back to our lives alone. We started realizing that we weren't sure whether we were doing "this" because we actually care about each other or whether we were doing "this" because we were lonely and wanted to pretend that we have someone even if it's just for a little while.

After tears and threats of walking out, we decided that night would be our last for a long time. We decided we needed to do some soul searching away from each other. Though we were no longer together, we had been talking regularly since our break up, as you've heard in this blog. This "accident" made me realize that I love my life right now more than him. I need to know what life would be like without anyone to think about romantically. As I keep claiming, comedy is my one true love.

By the end of this conversation, I wasn't sad with this decision. I just wanted to spend another day with him before the end. I told him I was staying and we went to sleep.

The next day was amazing. We hung out with his friends, ate lots of food, and drank lots of alcoholic beverages. As we spent this day together, I started to feel happy with the decision. We both need this. How can I be sad about spending many months with someone who made me happy every moment we were in the same room? I can't so I'll move on. I already did once before. Except this time, it's for real.

So on the date in the title of this blog, we will meet again and see what whole year can do. I miss him dearly but I know, and 4 months in Chicago has proven, I will be okay. 

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Gifts from my Valentine

As I'm going through my grieving process, I keep feeling the need to remember Dave in the best way. Though there is lots of anger, I refuse to focus on that. He was my friend and I loved him, so as a friend I need to remember him at his best. Most people say his best attribute was his generosity. He was ALWAYS willing to lend a helping hand in any way possible. He helped me move into my apartment, listened to me cry over boys, and stopped me from over thinking when I was upset with the world. He did a lot for me. He also gave me a lot of stuff. He bought me presents for each Christmas we knew each other and the one birthday we were friends. He gave me a couple of other gifts as well. I want to take a minute and share some of the things Dave gave to me.

-1 copy of Scott Pilgrim VS The World (movie)
-1 bath
-1 vibrator
-99 orgasms via aforementioned vibrator
-7 bowls of rice and chicken
-1 incredible Valentines Day
-2 kisses
-9 compliments on my butt
-1 lesson on the falsehood of jeans in terms of butt size
-60 more years of love for rock climbing
-10-20 free movies
-Countless rides
-1 piece of mind
-20+ frights
-2 heart attacks
-1 broken heart
-100 tears from laughing with him
-1000 tears from living without him
-3 trips to a graveyard
-2 letters he'll never read
-1 friendship worth millions
-1 legacy to honor
-0 more years with him


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"I bathed you"

Dear Dave,

            I don’t know where you are right now. I honestly have no idea. If there is a heaven, you are undeniably there but I’m just not sure. Like I’ve told you before, I really hope there are extreme sports in heaven. Mike recently gave me comfort by reminding me that if there isn't a rock wall in heaven, you are without a doubt building one. You were an adrenaline junkie with a flare for words. You would do things that I couldn’t even imagine doing and then play them back to me with your words. You were a master story teller. You told stories like it was your job, like your life depended on it and any other cliché phrase you want me to use. I try to retell the Tequila Story just like you but I know I never will. That’s okay. I hit the key points that you loved the most. I know you loved when I put the body wash in my hair. Right now, I see you. I can hear your voice repeating this story. I can see your eyes light up when you say, “I bathed you.” Three words that showed exactly how much you needed to take care of someone. I did that for you. I grew out of it though. You took care of me until the day I asked you to stop. I never took care of you and for that I’m so sorry. I was there for you as much as I could be. You showed me so much of the world. You made me independent and brave. Two things I needed. I will never be able to thank you.

           Justin gave me the card from “Edna” last night. He started to “read it” and it took me a second to get who Edna was. Once I realized it, I lost it. Tears were flowing and I was laughing at the exact same time. Edna feels like another friend I lost. As the tradition goes, the cards gets thrown into the audience. After he read the card, Justin looked me in the eye and threw it right to me. Dave, I wrinkled the card I clutched it so hard. It felt like it was really from you. I kept it with me for the rest of the night except once when it touched the Warped Wing’s floor. It’s under my pillow right now.         They would have made you proud last night, Dave. Your stage, like you, supported them and took care of them. It helped them deal with your absence. For an hour they got back to doing what you loved and what they loved doing with you. You would have laughed at them and with them. Calling them out on their inconsistencies and praising them for their genius. I can’t imagine how much better the night would have been with you, Dave. I'll write you again on Tuesday.

                                                                                

                                                                                 Much Love,

                                                                                    Your #2

David Michaels

Yesterday, I was taking a nap that could have arguably been considered a nights rest. When I awoke from this slumber, I had many texts from my good friend Ashley saying to call her asap. I naturally followed the instructions and was met with the heaviest news I've ever received.
"David Michaels passed away."
My jaw dropped. My tears fell. My "what"'s echoed.
I couldn't believe it.

For those who don't know, David Michaels was unlike any other. He was bold, intelligent, daring, idiotic, hilarious, and blunt. David Michaels was the kind of person you want to go into any post apocalyptic situation with. He had a contingency plan for every situation in his car, including a hatchet behind his drivers seat in the Prius.

Oh that Prius. I spent many days and nights in that car with him. Sometimes crying, sometimes laughing. Mostly laughing. He always had a way of cracking me up. I think that was true for everyone. Dave had a way with words and people. That's why he was so great at improv. He was one of the most quick witted people in the greater Dayton area.

Dave had a passion for life. He really did. The phrase, "Lived life to the fullest" doesn't even begin to define him. He took never took no for an answer, even when he probably should have. This passion was one of his greatest attributes and very contagious.

Dave and I were very close for about a year and a half. We were so close that we joked that I felt like I was dating him more than my boyfriends during that period. We climbed together, improvised together, and watched movies together. I slept in his bed, he slept in mine. One of his favorite stories from our friendship is referred to as "Tequila Night". Dave and I finished an entire bottle of tequila in two and a half hours. Dave had eaten a real meal, I had eaten Funyons and Lifesavers gummies. After some very deep talks, I proceeded to lay down on his air mattress in his studio apartment. Moments after, I began vomiting in an almost movie perfect way. My head was turned to the side so there was no fear of choking but I'll remind you that when a person is on an air mattress they sink into it. Thus my vomit felt the need to roll down hill. I hope you're really understand the imagery here. Vomit in my hair, on my clothes and on his sheets. Dave's first reaction was to drag me into the bath room and proceed to bathe me, wash my hair and put me in clean clothes. He changed his sheets and let me go back to sleep. Though that story is crazy and disgusting, it is very telling of Dave's character. He took care of me. No matter how mad I got at him, I knew he loved me and would murder someone for me if I asked. He cared about many people this way.

Dave and I had a falling out in February. He pushed a boundary and I ran as far away from him as possible instead of working it out. My guilt now is overwhelming.  I wish that I could thank him for the summer we spent together and for being a great friend. I really wish I could.

Dave was many things to many people. Performer, employee, lover, teacher, son, ex. But I think we can all agree on one thing. He was a friend. A very good friend. A friend that will be dearly and somberly missed. I wish that he would have known how hurt the city of Dayton, and two apartments in Chicago, are at the news that he will no longer exist in our lives. Maybe that would have helped.

I know you always said, "When I die, I won't care because I'll be dead." but if you were wrong, I want you to know that I'm sorry. I took you for granted and you didn't deserve that. I love you and I hope where ever you are has rock climbing.

Thanks for listening. Come back for more.