A Certain Kind of Sadness

A lot of this blog is about encouraging myself and others. I write about a lot of bad days from the past but always seal it with a good day in the future. But I haven't written much about today. I haven't written about how hard it is to live in the now. There are some really great days. Days that I laugh and days that I enjoy the world around me. Very good days.
But then there are bad days. Days that I cry and scream. Very bad days. Today is one of those days.

At the start of the day, I was late to my math test that I'm certain I failed. So that was just great. But then I kept my head up and said, "Go to voice and movement class and work hard." I went to class worked hard at the movement portion and cried when the teacher asked me to read a monologue. I just burst out into tears proclaiming that I was so tired. Which is very true. This show is running me ragged but I'm holding on. I chose this life and I will stick to it.
All of these things are little road bumps. I can get over them and revive the day by working hard at rehearsal.
I go there. Stretch. Breathe. Act. I feel better because I'm in my element. I feel safe and happy on stage. It weirdly calms me.
Until the break after Act 2.
All of the cast members are sitting in the house seats, and someone says something that makes me reply with, "I don't give it away the first time!"
One of my fellow cast members replies with a serious, "Yes you do!"
 In that moment, it was like I had PTSD.  Except it wasn't a flashback of helicopters and gun fire.
For me, it was a flashback of a man sweating on top of me. All of the men who have sweated on top of me. There was also an image of all of those men walking out the door. It all came back at once.
I was reminded of the part of myself I hated the most to finish off the day. My inner voice started uttering the word "whore" again. I couldn't get any of my lines right in Act 3. I walked out alone, convinced no one wanted to walk out with the "whore".

There will always be bad days.  That's all I'm trying to say. Tomorrow might be better but it might not. It's really up to me. So tomorrow will be a good day. Even if I get a mountain in my path. 

Thanks for listening. Come back for more.

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.

Yesterday I went to my Alma Mater's production of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. This show is a fun show about a woman who marries a man without knowing he has 6 brothers living in the same household. It's a cute show with some very great dance numbers. The kids that were up on stage really loved every second and you could tell. All in all, it was a good show and very entertaining.

 The intention of this blog post is not to give a review of a high school production. The intention of this blog post is the remember where I started.

I was in those shows. I sang and danced under the same lights. I looked out into the same black void.
I learned so much from being in productions at Tecumseh and I feel like if I hadn't been in that environment I would never have gone into theater at all. It changed me as a person as well.

Some days when I'm at Sinclair, I get pretty down on myself. Especially when I'm in a show. I feel like I have done nothing in my life so far. I feel like I've always been standing still. This is the reason I try to do things like travel and apply for internships. I want to move because I feel like I've wasted so many of my years of stupid stuff.

But then I watched this musical. I watched those kids put on such a great show and realized how far I've come. I thought back to when I was working on that same exact stage. I remember thinking that my dreams had come true. Ever since I was a little girl, I dreamed of being a lead in a Tecumseh High School musical. And I did it. I did it twice. I set my mind to doing it and I did it. I had my setbacks. I actually didn't make it into the musical my freshman year. I seriously cried for 2 hours after I saw the cast list. I had those thoughts of not being good enough or worth it. Everyone does, especially when I failed at my first chance. But then I picked myself up and kept trucking. I signed up for stage crew because I just needed to be near it. I'm happy to say that the next year I got in, and the rest is history.

I didn't give up then and I won't give up ever again on my dreams. Though that dream was pretty small scale, it was still a dream and I accomplished it. Period.

About a year and a half ago, I had a dream of performing on the Black Box Improv Theater stage. I told myself I would do what ever I could to be on the stage. As of today, I have been on that stage more times than I can count and I realize I accomplished that as well.

Today I officially applied to Columbia College in Chicago after years of sitting around and dreaming about it. Though this dream is only beginning, I am confident in the possibilities it presents. 
 
 My next dream is to perform at the Second City. I will accomplish this dream as well. No "maybe's" or "hopefully's". I will. 

So as I look back on days, I realize that my life is only beginning and that I need to be patient with myself. I have only lived on this earth for 19, almost 20, years. Some people have been doing the same job for longer than I've existed. I still have time. But I must also remember that just because I have time, doesn't mean I should waste it. I should push on with the intensity of a pro-athlete. Keeping a positive attitude only makes life better.

Thanks for listening. Come back for more.