A Certain Kind of Sadness

A lot of this blog is about encouraging myself and others. I write about a lot of bad days from the past but always seal it with a good day in the future. But I haven't written much about today. I haven't written about how hard it is to live in the now. There are some really great days. Days that I laugh and days that I enjoy the world around me. Very good days.
But then there are bad days. Days that I cry and scream. Very bad days. Today is one of those days.

At the start of the day, I was late to my math test that I'm certain I failed. So that was just great. But then I kept my head up and said, "Go to voice and movement class and work hard." I went to class worked hard at the movement portion and cried when the teacher asked me to read a monologue. I just burst out into tears proclaiming that I was so tired. Which is very true. This show is running me ragged but I'm holding on. I chose this life and I will stick to it.
All of these things are little road bumps. I can get over them and revive the day by working hard at rehearsal.
I go there. Stretch. Breathe. Act. I feel better because I'm in my element. I feel safe and happy on stage. It weirdly calms me.
Until the break after Act 2.
All of the cast members are sitting in the house seats, and someone says something that makes me reply with, "I don't give it away the first time!"
One of my fellow cast members replies with a serious, "Yes you do!"
 In that moment, it was like I had PTSD.  Except it wasn't a flashback of helicopters and gun fire.
For me, it was a flashback of a man sweating on top of me. All of the men who have sweated on top of me. There was also an image of all of those men walking out the door. It all came back at once.
I was reminded of the part of myself I hated the most to finish off the day. My inner voice started uttering the word "whore" again. I couldn't get any of my lines right in Act 3. I walked out alone, convinced no one wanted to walk out with the "whore".

There will always be bad days.  That's all I'm trying to say. Tomorrow might be better but it might not. It's really up to me. So tomorrow will be a good day. Even if I get a mountain in my path. 

Thanks for listening. Come back for more.