Toxic Mold

I'm very blessed. I'm an American woman raised in a middle class home with the ability to receive a college education with little to no struggles. My life hasn't had many obstacles. ADD and daddy issues are all I can claim as trials. So I repeat I am blesssed. Some might even say #blessed.

So how has my life been a struggle for the past couple of years? Why have I been majorly depressed and on the verge of extinction? And most importantly, why do I feel so great now?

I think I'm blessed for a completely different reason that I'm going to explain to you with metaphors and proper grammar. 

In high school, I was a part of many different friend groups. If I found people I liked I would pursue them. One of the groups was upperclassmen who were highly intelligent and highly artistic, another loved screamo music and angsty statuses, and another were significantly older than me and loved to eat pancakes in the dead of night. These groups of people were all wonderful and are people that I would still love to see and hang out with on occasion but I never felt like I could totally be myself. Now I'm not saying they are the reason for this. They were all very welcoming and enjoyed my company but we never loved each other on a deep level. The kind of love close friends should have. I suppose they weren't really my close friends.

My close friends were people I took for granted for 4 years. Barbara, Lily, Alison and eventually Robin, were the people that I now know are my close friends. When I was with these girls, my life didn't feel like a struggle. It felt a carnival ride. Sticky, expensive, and looks like it could fall apart at any moment but damnit I was laughing and they were in the seats next to me. Honestly, the summers I spent with them will be the fondest in my memory. I was never sure why they made me feel so great or why I had so much fun with them every time. Even when we weren't on the best of terms, we could brighten each others days.

So when they left for college and we grew apart, I didn't have anyone. I had friends at Sinclair but not like them. Losing them and coming to terms with the problems within myself made life a struggle for 2 years.

But as the world continues revolving, my life continued. I met other people who made me feel like the many friend groups I've had. I was just there. I would commonly have panic attacks because I felt so bad about myself and no one to talk to about it. I made a lot of mistakes in that point of my life. I hurt a lot of people that I considered friends because I was selfish and thought I wasn't effecting anyone but myself. It was a learning period in my life that was difficult but invaluable.

While in this period of learning, I had one friend that was along for the ride. For those who don't know, I have a best friend named Cydnie. Weird, I know. I promise our shared name isn't the only reason I love her. She gives me the same feeling that my high school friends gave me. We have lots of fun together but she's also there for the shitty parts of life. She's knows the color and texture of my puke better than anyone else!

Last August, Cydnie moved to New York to follow her dreams soon after we became besties without testies. Though I'm so proud of her and support her 100%, I still had another year at Sinclair without her. I felt like I had to start over. I moved back in with my mom, started taking school more seriously, and took some serious time to discover myself. I started to realize, with some inspirational words from THE Jason Hanrahan, that people who make me feel like that aren't worth my time. Especially at this point in my life. College is when you start to grow up and part of growing up is getting rid of the toxic parts of your life and focus on the parts that challenge you to be better. For me, that meant people.

Since that time, I've successfully removed the toxic mold from my social life and gave it a new paint job. Last night I had a party with almost all of my friends. I laughed, I ate lots of popcorn and I vomited. It was just like any other party but at some point I looked around that room and realized, I have gotten to a place were no one is toxic in my life. That night, I was surrounded by people that only want the best for me. They encourage me to be my best and always have my back, or my hair when I'm bent over a toilet. People that love me for exactly who I am, all the good, bad and the ugly, and don't ask me to be anything I'm not. I was so overwhelmed I threw up. It had NOTHING to do with the 6 woodchuck and empty stomach. It was gratitude.

As I think of moving to Chicago and leaving these wonderful people, I remember how I had the same feeling with I graduated high school and those friends left. All I know is that, I will never forget what it feels like to be loved this much. I know that from here on out, I will avoid getting too close to people that don't love me for me. I encourage everyone to do the same. If I'm a toxic person in your life, I encourage you to drop my ass. I will understand.

Thanks for listening. Come back for more.