OVER IT!

For the last couple of months, my incessant bitching about my ex, Charles, seemed exhausting. Every time I would type his name I thought, man people must be sick of me. I hated continuing to hash this out in the public forum, letting you guys watch me break down and admit some of the strongest feelings I've ever had but I felt like I had to. I know that I feel better when my feelings are typed out. That's why you'll find a 10 page document on my computer entitled, "Break Up Poetry Blah Blah Blah." I have to put it down to get it out. It's rather simple. So I wanted to give you one of my first real conclusions.

I'm over that boy now. The one I feared I would never replace. The one I imagined my life with. The one I "loved" more than anyone else. That one. I'm over him. How?, you ask. How is that possible? You talked so much about how in love you were with this man. How does that just go away? I have a simple answer that controlling people will hate: I just did.

I was on the phone with Charles last week and we were talking about something that was upsetting me and I just remember thinking, "This is it. You're done." Not in a, he's a piece of shit, kind of I'm done. Just a "You don't need to worry about this anymore." I was still upset over somethings in our relationship that I was always urked by. Things that were already silly to worried about when you're in a relationship and crazy to worry about when you're not. I realized I was putting a lot of pressure on something that didn't have to be that serious. Our relationship, or lack there of, wasn't enjoyable anymore because I wanted it to be more than it could be. I started to remember myself doing that in other relationships in the past. I remembered why I broke up with most of the men immediately after telling them I loved them. I wanted things to get serious and they didn't. So I felt like they didn't care and/or I stopped caring about them. If they weren't going to be my future, then goodbye. I wasn't interested in enjoying right now. I wanted husband material even though I boasted of not wanting to settle down for a long time. This applies to Charles too. He loved me. I believe that. I hear it in the old voicemails and the texts. But he didn't love me to the same degree. He wasn't looking for a future. He was looking for someone to be with him in those moments. He was living in the moment and he loved me for those moments. He wasn't looking at any rings or cribs because we weren't anywhere close. The problem was, I thought we were. I wanted a commitment so that I knew he wouldn't want to run away. That was something he couldn't give me. We barely knew each other. It makes total sense.

So I moved on. Now when I look at his pictures on Facebook and Instagram, I see an old friend. I no longer get the terrible ache I did before. Break up songs don't stab me as much as before. I know we weren't as wonderful together as I remembered (see 27 Hours: a previous blog post). I know commitment isn't in the plan of me. Comedy might be the only commitment I can make for a while. I know I'm not as important to him as I thought. So I let him go. I tell myself don't forget how you felt then but don't forget what you realized today. Take it slow and just live. Stop trying to plan. Just be 20 year old Sydney. I'll never be her again. Whether that's with or without love. Just be grateful for every breath and life will be good.  The past week has gone pretty well so my theory is proving correct.

Thanks for listening. Come back for more.