The Summer of 2013

This morning, I was having a conversation with my roommate about how writing helps us. As she was reading her poems to me, I was reminded of my writing past. All of a sudden, I had a flashback of writing at Riverscape Park in Dayton. That park was my sanctuary during that difficult summer and I spent many (unsafe) nights and days there writing my feelings. They were all collected in a notebook made for me by my best friend, Cydnie. After I had this epiphany, I jumped up and grabbed it from my shelf and began reading. This journal includes love letters, journal entries, stand up jokes, and a suicide note, written just in case. It was a weird summer. Some of the quotes are funny, some are sad and some are enlightening. They show where I've been and just how far I've come. So I would like to share some of these with you.

"I love coming to Riverscape. It's one of the only places in Dayton that doesn't smell like fecal matter. The flowers cover that up quite nicely. It makes me feel beautiful sitting among the flowers and trees. Like I 'm a part of the scenery. I can clear my head when I'm just scenery. I see so many different people. Families, elderly women, athletic men. All here to escape in some way or another. Even with kids yelling, it's quieter than in my head. I fight with myself. Thinking I don't matter. But I know that isn't true. I have made a difference no matter how small. I have loved and been loved."

"I'm oh so very lonely. I'm so lonely, I'm driving to OSU to bump Matt Ross in a couple of weeks. I feel like I should have sex with my first love. I need to know what he looks like naked and on top of me. I also want to know what it's like to have sex in a dorm bed. Maybe I'm trying to recreate a time when I was happy and innocent, then fuck the shit out of it. I also really want to have dorm room sex. Shoo-ing the roommate, sock on the door, the whole shabang."
(SIDE NOTE: This did not happen!)

"I'm about to watch Cydnie and Kevin perform As You Like It. It's weird to think that a year ago I was sitting in my apartment with no internet or TV and Taylor and Erin were my only "friends" in Dayton. Now I'm sitting in a park alone waiting to watch two of my best friends perform Shakespeare. This may not be the life I imagined but it sure is the one I love. One year ago, I was a virgin. Today, I'm watching the man who took my virginity play a prince and he is one of my best friends." 

 "I just gave a guy a blowjob and I don't even know his last name. This is rock bottom. But I was so drunk. And we had been giving each other "the eyes" all night. But then there's Jimmy."

"I am falling for Jimmy. He's not perfect but he's better than that. He's human."

"Jimmy and I have left the honeymoon phase. Officially."

 "I have been told my whole life, don't worship false idols, only God. But I never understood, until I realized something about myself. I don't worship idols, I fall in love with ideals. By ideals, I mean men that are 'perfect' or 'exactly what I've always wanted.' "

"I want to run away. Because that's what I do. I run. Fast enough that it seems perfect in hindsight."

"I feel like Katie is the sister my brothers always wanted. I am certain they would love a sister who plays sports and loves basketball. But I'm me. I love theater and talking about my feelings."

"May 14th 2013
I had a pregnancy scare last week. It would have been Josh's. I hated not being able to tell Cydnie or Katie but Josh and I vowed to keep our sex life to ourselves. I'm good with that."

"What if I was pregnant? Josh told me he would have stayed and moved in with me. For the first time in a long time, I felt comforted. He kept telling me, either way, we'll be fine. We will make it out alive. He was a man about it."

"Sometimes I think about what would happen if I killed myself. Would people be sad? Would they come to my funeral? What would they say? I hope I've made a difference in someone's life. That's all I want. To make a difference. However that may happen."

"Bucket List 2013
1) Live alone
2) Perform on the Second City stage (CHECK)
3) Be a Second City company member
4) Drink a beer at Lucky's (CHECK)
5) Perform stand up in Chicago (CHECK)
6)Meet Tina Fey
7) See 20 Broadway plays
8) Attend a major award show
9) Be nominated for an Oscar
10) Win an Emmy for writing
11) Be on TV
12) See John Mulaney live (CHECK)
13) See SNL in person (CHECK)
14) Buy my mom a house
15) Quit Target because of improv"


Thanks for listening. Come back for more.