When I'm not so busy, I will have a full blog about my 21st and what happened and how much fun I had and all that jazz but I want to leave a little post here for now.
Thursday night, I was at a cast party where a cake was bought for my birthday. After the singing was finished, there were candles to be blown out. One of my cast members told me to make a wish.
I looked down and said the following in complete and total honesty:
"I have everything I want right now."
Gratitude feels great. Everyone should try it.
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
Sunday, April 26, 2015
Thursday, April 16, 2015
Like Or Like Like
LOL JK from my last post, I kind of have a love life. There's a boy and this is the lyric that I identify with him because I have a hard time coming up with my own creative way to display my emotions, contrary to what this blog makes you think.
"But...I have a friend, with whom I like to spend any time I can find with.
I like sleeping in your bed,
I like knowing what is going on inside your head,
I like taking time and I like your mind,
And I like when your hand is in mine."
I like him and that's my story.
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
"But...I have a friend, with whom I like to spend any time I can find with.
I like sleeping in your bed,
I like knowing what is going on inside your head,
I like taking time and I like your mind,
And I like when your hand is in mine."
I like him and that's my story.
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
One Lyric to Rule Them ALL!!!
I wanted to publish this lyric I found recently that perfectly describes the way I feel some nights.
"I spend most of my life on a microphone, give it all that I got til I head back home. And when the lights are out and I'm all alone, I've got no reason to be crying."
That's the greatest lyric to describe my life as a comedian. The most real example of this was after Wise Ass. It was a great night and it went so well but when I got home and everything was quiet, I broke down. It was so bad that it lasted for an entire hour that night then into the next day. I honestly still don't know why. It has passed at this point, thank God, but it still think about that night a lot and try to get to the bottom of it.
ANYWHO, that lyric is from a song by Sara Bareilles called "I Just Want You." It's one of her best songs and I love to listen to it to pretend I have a romantic life.
Sorry I haven't had any crazy life lessons smack me in the face within the last week. I'll work on it.
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
"I spend most of my life on a microphone, give it all that I got til I head back home. And when the lights are out and I'm all alone, I've got no reason to be crying."
That's the greatest lyric to describe my life as a comedian. The most real example of this was after Wise Ass. It was a great night and it went so well but when I got home and everything was quiet, I broke down. It was so bad that it lasted for an entire hour that night then into the next day. I honestly still don't know why. It has passed at this point, thank God, but it still think about that night a lot and try to get to the bottom of it.
ANYWHO, that lyric is from a song by Sara Bareilles called "I Just Want You." It's one of her best songs and I love to listen to it to pretend I have a romantic life.
Sorry I haven't had any crazy life lessons smack me in the face within the last week. I'll work on it.
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
Sunday, April 12, 2015
2 Decades Down By Sydney Back
21 is vastly approaching and I recently found my notebook I kept almost exactly a year ago when I was about to enter my early 20s. I would like to share some of the ideas I expressed with you lovely cyber humans. Especially you, Mason Maguire, I do this for you to mention it when I'm tipsy enough to speak of it but not tipsy enough to not be bashful about it. I have no other reasons. Sorry, Jordan Lee Cohen. ENJOY.
"4/14/14; I turn 20 in 7 days so here's my journal for this time in my life. 2 DECADES DOWN by Sydney Back."
"I got a bread bowl at Panera...How does one eat it once the soup is gone? Like a savage? Do I rip off pieces or do I cut it up with my spoon? Do I eat it like a chicken wing? Do I bring it up to my face?"
"I'm leaving. I'm sitting here on the campus that made me the person I am today and I am grateful. But I'm finally leaving. I've waited for years. No, not waited, worked. Though I could have worked harder, I still worked.
Sometimes I burst out into laughter when I remember that I did it.
This is only the beginning of my professional life. I'm young and hot headed and the world will teach me. It will. I feel like as long as I'm open to that, I will go far."
"Tomorrow, I will be 20. 2 decades full of laughter and pain. Mostly laughter.
What have I done with my life so far? Not much.
What am I going to do with my life? A lot.
I'm leaving Dayton. Staring my professional career.
You can't whore around in Chicago. Everyone is a future colleague. You can only have sex with someone if you love them. Seriously."
"Dad gave me $100 dollars today. Thanks, man. Really appreciate it."
"Why do I want to shove a sock down John's throat? It's crazy to me that one day I can think I'm in love with someone and then the next day, never want to hear their voice again. Is something wrong with me? Or is this how all women feel after relationships?"
"I assume everyone over 21 sees me as a child, if that's the case, there are a lot more pedophiles in this world than I thought."
"24 girlfriends in 21 years. He throws the word 'girlfriend' around like a frisbee. So when he asked me if I was his girlfriend, I felt a little dirty. Should I worry?"
"August 26th is going to be a really difficult day. I'm going to leave everything I know for a land I've been to a handful of times. Chicago, IL. Just the name gives me chills. I'm leaving my family to pursue a dream. No, not a dream. Dream implies naivety. I'm pursuing a life. The kind of life I've always imagined myself having. A life I'm willing to work for."
"My mother will always love me no matter what I do. I'm afraid I won't have the same patience for my children's mistakes."
"5/12/14; I'm working at Lilian's Bridal Shop on Far Hills Ave. It's crazy how much money women spend on wedding dresses. Just for alterations. It can be $100 or more! I'm really happy I know how to sew. I'll fix my own dress. I never buy anything for myself that is expensive so when my wedding day comes, I'm going to spend too much money on it. It will have lace and boning and when I take it off, or when he rips it off of me, it'll have a night on the floor. All of that time and money put into that dress won't matter anymore because I'm having marital sex. Maybe even unprotected. WHO KNOWS? His penis will be my oyster and he'll put it where ever he pleases*"
*no butt stuff
"I'm a novelty. I look quirky and fun...but wait. Once you know about my GPA and lack of a father figure, you'll be running, don't worry. 2.8 isn't wife material!"
"Just because a man says he loves me doesn't make it true. Just because he says he'll never leave, doesn't mean he won't. Just because I think he'll fix me doesn't mean he will.
Thanks to all these "men" I am dating someone else. The kind of person I know I'll spend the rest of my life with. Her name is Sydney Back. I'm starting to get to know her and I think she's pretty amazing.
Thank you, all the boys I've dated, for teaching me how to raise my standards and love someone who can boil water, take out the trash and wear a shirt in public places."
"What I'm bothered by...
-Charm bracelets. (End of list)"
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
"4/14/14; I turn 20 in 7 days so here's my journal for this time in my life. 2 DECADES DOWN by Sydney Back."
"I got a bread bowl at Panera...How does one eat it once the soup is gone? Like a savage? Do I rip off pieces or do I cut it up with my spoon? Do I eat it like a chicken wing? Do I bring it up to my face?"
"I'm leaving. I'm sitting here on the campus that made me the person I am today and I am grateful. But I'm finally leaving. I've waited for years. No, not waited, worked. Though I could have worked harder, I still worked.
Sometimes I burst out into laughter when I remember that I did it.
This is only the beginning of my professional life. I'm young and hot headed and the world will teach me. It will. I feel like as long as I'm open to that, I will go far."
"Tomorrow, I will be 20. 2 decades full of laughter and pain. Mostly laughter.
What have I done with my life so far? Not much.
What am I going to do with my life? A lot.
I'm leaving Dayton. Staring my professional career.
You can't whore around in Chicago. Everyone is a future colleague. You can only have sex with someone if you love them. Seriously."
"Dad gave me $100 dollars today. Thanks, man. Really appreciate it."
"Why do I want to shove a sock down John's throat? It's crazy to me that one day I can think I'm in love with someone and then the next day, never want to hear their voice again. Is something wrong with me? Or is this how all women feel after relationships?"
"I assume everyone over 21 sees me as a child, if that's the case, there are a lot more pedophiles in this world than I thought."
"24 girlfriends in 21 years. He throws the word 'girlfriend' around like a frisbee. So when he asked me if I was his girlfriend, I felt a little dirty. Should I worry?"
"August 26th is going to be a really difficult day. I'm going to leave everything I know for a land I've been to a handful of times. Chicago, IL. Just the name gives me chills. I'm leaving my family to pursue a dream. No, not a dream. Dream implies naivety. I'm pursuing a life. The kind of life I've always imagined myself having. A life I'm willing to work for."
"My mother will always love me no matter what I do. I'm afraid I won't have the same patience for my children's mistakes."
"5/12/14; I'm working at Lilian's Bridal Shop on Far Hills Ave. It's crazy how much money women spend on wedding dresses. Just for alterations. It can be $100 or more! I'm really happy I know how to sew. I'll fix my own dress. I never buy anything for myself that is expensive so when my wedding day comes, I'm going to spend too much money on it. It will have lace and boning and when I take it off, or when he rips it off of me, it'll have a night on the floor. All of that time and money put into that dress won't matter anymore because I'm having marital sex. Maybe even unprotected. WHO KNOWS? His penis will be my oyster and he'll put it where ever he pleases*"
*no butt stuff
"I'm a novelty. I look quirky and fun...but wait. Once you know about my GPA and lack of a father figure, you'll be running, don't worry. 2.8 isn't wife material!"
"Just because a man says he loves me doesn't make it true. Just because he says he'll never leave, doesn't mean he won't. Just because I think he'll fix me doesn't mean he will.
Thanks to all these "men" I am dating someone else. The kind of person I know I'll spend the rest of my life with. Her name is Sydney Back. I'm starting to get to know her and I think she's pretty amazing.
Thank you, all the boys I've dated, for teaching me how to raise my standards and love someone who can boil water, take out the trash and wear a shirt in public places."
"What I'm bothered by...
-Charm bracelets. (End of list)"
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
Monday, April 6, 2015
Too Stressed To Feel Blessed
Happy day after Easter everyone! I hope you went to church yesterday in your pastel colored clothing or ate a peep on the train to "celebrate" while dressed in all black. I know I did one of those things and I enjoyed it very much. While many of you were enjoying time with family and a honey baked ham, I was filled with anxiety in my apartment alone chugging coffee. This is a very common occurrence in my life nowadays.
The first week back from spring break was filled with anxiety. If I was a doughnut, that week I was a Boston Creme doughnut but instead of creme, it was anxiety. I like that joke and if you don't, close this tab right now. ANYWHO, I had a laundry list of performances due and hadn't worked on a single one over break. I went to Ohio seeking rest, but returned more stressed. From writing sketches, to competing in a stand up competition, to recording and performing a performance mid-term, I had put 110% into each which left me terribly on edge. By Thursday, all projects were complete and received rave reviews. I also made it to the finals of the stand up competition. A huge feeling of accomplishment washed over me; I did it. My anxiety was lifted from the week and replaced with regular weekend anxiety but it also left me with another beautiful life lesson.
When planning for the week, I was working so hard. I got barely any sleep and perhaps for got about personal hygiene for a second. These projects were the only thing on my brain. I had this sicken fear of failing in my stomach. A better way to put it is giving up. I was not going to let myself give up this week. I was not going to turn in shit because I was tired. I made myself work harder and longer. For a while I thought I was doing it for the teachers who assigned it but I have come to realize this is something I had to prove to myself. I had to prove to myself that I don't run away when things get hard. In my teens, I did this often. When the going got tough, I curled up in a ball and cried. No matter if it was school, work, or relationships. I wouldn't work harder, I would withdrawal. Upon becoming a self-actualizing adult, I realized that must change. How do I expect to get better if I can't push myself? Nobody has ever changed the world by curling up in a ball and pouting. This is only one of the lessons I learned from the craziness that is college. The story continues into the weekend and today.
So I enjoyed my weekend with slightly less anxiety. I was very lucky to spend Friday and Saturday night completely anxiety free. Both nights (and into Sunday morning), I turned my phone on silent and enjoyed time with the person I was with at the time. I lived in the moment instead of worrying about what was happening next. If you are reading this (Jordan Lee Cohen) and you are one of those people (Jordan Lee Cohen), know that you helped me more than you know (Jordan Lee Cohen).
I would like to say that realizing this about myself hasn't helped it vanish into thin air. Life does keep going and more projects are due and more effort is expected on my part. This morning, I had a presentation for Comedy Writing and Performance and my final project for Comedy Theory. These are the classes I care about more than anything else and I was stressing. I stayed up until 4 am preparing both to the best of my ability. I was happy with my work and went to bed expecting to be awoken by my alarm at 7 am.
I was awoken by my roommate shuffling around the room cleaning up for room inspections. I looked at the clock and it was 10:51am exactly. I jolted up and my greatest dread was making my heart beat and my mouth groan. I was going to fail a comedy final. I had already missed my first writing and performance class which was the least of my worries at that point. My brain began to race and my adrenaline pumped. My roommate, assuming I was worried about the room inspection, didn't notice my dishevelment. Soon after, our RA came into the room, and looked for 3 seconds. During this time, I didn't stop running around putting things in my bag. I could've had a heroin needle out for god sake but all I was thinking was, "I wonder if I'm at the end of the set list. OH GOD I HOPE SO!" The RA left and I began putting on my shoes with tears in my eyes and shakey hands. One of my suitemates came into speak of the weirdly short room inspection but noticed my distress. She asked what was wrong and I just let it out.
"I had a comedy class at 8:30 that I slept through and I'm supposed to be doing a final right now! I've been working so fucking hard and I'm about the fucking fail a comedy class because I didn't wake up to my alarm! It's just great, its just fucking great!"
It was a weak moment for me. My roommate and suitemate were gracious and reminded me that it would be okay and that I'll be okay and just breathe and all that jazz. I thank them.
Long story short, I made it in time to do the final. I was actually crazy impressed by how well it went. Did I mention my partner and I had never practice it in person once, only spoke of it on Facebook messenger? So yeah. PROUD OF US!
I wanted to tell this story because, first off, it's very fresh and I needed to document it, secondly, I need to remember what I say in moments of weakness. I need to remember those because those are the truth of how I really feel. My fear has been propelling me for weeks. After this experience, I realized that I need to chill the fuck out. Like the week before, everything will turn out okay. Maybe even great. I need to keep a clear head. I need to make time for myself to detox and remember that I'm not perfect and sometimes things just happen that are out of my control. Like sleeping through alarms. These little mistakes aren't the end of me. I'm not just my work. I'm a human as well. Humans mess up sometimes. I need to get over it and move on. All I can do is be prepared with what I can control.
So as I sit here in my favorite coffee shop, enjoying my favorite new band, in my favorite pair of jeans doing my least favorite homework, I remember that I will be okay. Anxiety shouldn't get the best of me because there will be other projects and will require my same attention until the day I die. I'll get them done and done well. I hope that will help keep me sane in this beautiful crazy time in my life.
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
The first week back from spring break was filled with anxiety. If I was a doughnut, that week I was a Boston Creme doughnut but instead of creme, it was anxiety. I like that joke and if you don't, close this tab right now. ANYWHO, I had a laundry list of performances due and hadn't worked on a single one over break. I went to Ohio seeking rest, but returned more stressed. From writing sketches, to competing in a stand up competition, to recording and performing a performance mid-term, I had put 110% into each which left me terribly on edge. By Thursday, all projects were complete and received rave reviews. I also made it to the finals of the stand up competition. A huge feeling of accomplishment washed over me; I did it. My anxiety was lifted from the week and replaced with regular weekend anxiety but it also left me with another beautiful life lesson.
When planning for the week, I was working so hard. I got barely any sleep and perhaps for got about personal hygiene for a second. These projects were the only thing on my brain. I had this sicken fear of failing in my stomach. A better way to put it is giving up. I was not going to let myself give up this week. I was not going to turn in shit because I was tired. I made myself work harder and longer. For a while I thought I was doing it for the teachers who assigned it but I have come to realize this is something I had to prove to myself. I had to prove to myself that I don't run away when things get hard. In my teens, I did this often. When the going got tough, I curled up in a ball and cried. No matter if it was school, work, or relationships. I wouldn't work harder, I would withdrawal. Upon becoming a self-actualizing adult, I realized that must change. How do I expect to get better if I can't push myself? Nobody has ever changed the world by curling up in a ball and pouting. This is only one of the lessons I learned from the craziness that is college. The story continues into the weekend and today.
So I enjoyed my weekend with slightly less anxiety. I was very lucky to spend Friday and Saturday night completely anxiety free. Both nights (and into Sunday morning), I turned my phone on silent and enjoyed time with the person I was with at the time. I lived in the moment instead of worrying about what was happening next. If you are reading this (Jordan Lee Cohen) and you are one of those people (Jordan Lee Cohen), know that you helped me more than you know (Jordan Lee Cohen).
I would like to say that realizing this about myself hasn't helped it vanish into thin air. Life does keep going and more projects are due and more effort is expected on my part. This morning, I had a presentation for Comedy Writing and Performance and my final project for Comedy Theory. These are the classes I care about more than anything else and I was stressing. I stayed up until 4 am preparing both to the best of my ability. I was happy with my work and went to bed expecting to be awoken by my alarm at 7 am.
I was awoken by my roommate shuffling around the room cleaning up for room inspections. I looked at the clock and it was 10:51am exactly. I jolted up and my greatest dread was making my heart beat and my mouth groan. I was going to fail a comedy final. I had already missed my first writing and performance class which was the least of my worries at that point. My brain began to race and my adrenaline pumped. My roommate, assuming I was worried about the room inspection, didn't notice my dishevelment. Soon after, our RA came into the room, and looked for 3 seconds. During this time, I didn't stop running around putting things in my bag. I could've had a heroin needle out for god sake but all I was thinking was, "I wonder if I'm at the end of the set list. OH GOD I HOPE SO!" The RA left and I began putting on my shoes with tears in my eyes and shakey hands. One of my suitemates came into speak of the weirdly short room inspection but noticed my distress. She asked what was wrong and I just let it out.
"I had a comedy class at 8:30 that I slept through and I'm supposed to be doing a final right now! I've been working so fucking hard and I'm about the fucking fail a comedy class because I didn't wake up to my alarm! It's just great, its just fucking great!"
It was a weak moment for me. My roommate and suitemate were gracious and reminded me that it would be okay and that I'll be okay and just breathe and all that jazz. I thank them.
Long story short, I made it in time to do the final. I was actually crazy impressed by how well it went. Did I mention my partner and I had never practice it in person once, only spoke of it on Facebook messenger? So yeah. PROUD OF US!
I wanted to tell this story because, first off, it's very fresh and I needed to document it, secondly, I need to remember what I say in moments of weakness. I need to remember those because those are the truth of how I really feel. My fear has been propelling me for weeks. After this experience, I realized that I need to chill the fuck out. Like the week before, everything will turn out okay. Maybe even great. I need to keep a clear head. I need to make time for myself to detox and remember that I'm not perfect and sometimes things just happen that are out of my control. Like sleeping through alarms. These little mistakes aren't the end of me. I'm not just my work. I'm a human as well. Humans mess up sometimes. I need to get over it and move on. All I can do is be prepared with what I can control.
So as I sit here in my favorite coffee shop, enjoying my favorite new band, in my favorite pair of jeans doing my least favorite homework, I remember that I will be okay. Anxiety shouldn't get the best of me because there will be other projects and will require my same attention until the day I die. I'll get them done and done well. I hope that will help keep me sane in this beautiful crazy time in my life.
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
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