Happy day after Easter everyone! I hope you went to church yesterday in your pastel colored clothing or ate a peep on the train to "celebrate" while dressed in all black. I know I did one of those things and I enjoyed it very much. While many of you were enjoying time with family and a honey baked ham, I was filled with anxiety in my apartment alone chugging coffee. This is a very common occurrence in my life nowadays.
The first week back from spring break was filled with anxiety. If I was a doughnut, that week I was a Boston Creme doughnut but instead of creme, it was anxiety. I like that joke and if you don't, close this tab right now. ANYWHO, I had a laundry list of performances due and hadn't worked on a single one over break. I went to Ohio seeking rest, but returned more stressed. From writing sketches, to competing in a stand up competition, to recording and performing a performance mid-term, I had put 110% into each which left me terribly on edge. By Thursday, all projects were complete and received rave reviews. I also made it to the finals of the stand up competition. A huge feeling of accomplishment washed over me; I did it. My anxiety was lifted from the week and replaced with regular weekend anxiety but it also left me with another beautiful life lesson.
When planning for the week, I was working so hard. I got barely any sleep and perhaps for got about personal hygiene for a second. These projects were the only thing on my brain. I had this sicken fear of failing in my stomach. A better way to put it is giving up. I was not going to let myself give up this week. I was not going to turn in shit because I was tired. I made myself work harder and longer. For a while I thought I was doing it for the teachers who assigned it but I have come to realize this is something I had to prove to myself. I had to prove to myself that I don't run away when things get hard. In my teens, I did this often. When the going got tough, I curled up in a ball and cried. No matter if it was school, work, or relationships. I wouldn't work harder, I would withdrawal. Upon becoming a self-actualizing adult, I realized that must change. How do I expect to get better if I can't push myself? Nobody has ever changed the world by curling up in a ball and pouting. This is only one of the lessons I learned from the craziness that is college. The story continues into the weekend and today.
So I enjoyed my weekend with slightly less anxiety. I was very lucky to spend Friday and Saturday night completely anxiety free. Both nights (and into Sunday morning), I turned my phone on silent and enjoyed time with the person I was with at the time. I lived in the moment instead of worrying about what was happening next. If you are reading this (Jordan Lee Cohen) and you are one of those people (Jordan Lee Cohen), know that you helped me more than you know (Jordan Lee Cohen).
I would like to say that realizing this about myself hasn't helped it vanish into thin air. Life does keep going and more projects are due and more effort is expected on my part. This morning, I had a presentation for Comedy Writing and Performance and my final project for Comedy Theory. These are the classes I care about more than anything else and I was stressing. I stayed up until 4 am preparing both to the best of my ability. I was happy with my work and went to bed expecting to be awoken by my alarm at 7 am.
I was awoken by my roommate shuffling around the room cleaning up for room inspections. I looked at the clock and it was 10:51am exactly. I jolted up and my greatest dread was making my heart beat and my mouth groan. I was going to fail a comedy final. I had already missed my first writing and performance class which was the least of my worries at that point. My brain began to race and my adrenaline pumped. My roommate, assuming I was worried about the room inspection, didn't notice my dishevelment. Soon after, our RA came into the room, and looked for 3 seconds. During this time, I didn't stop running around putting things in my bag. I could've had a heroin needle out for god sake but all I was thinking was, "I wonder if I'm at the end of the set list. OH GOD I HOPE SO!" The RA left and I began putting on my shoes with tears in my eyes and shakey hands. One of my suitemates came into speak of the weirdly short room inspection but noticed my distress. She asked what was wrong and I just let it out.
"I had a comedy class at 8:30 that I slept through and I'm supposed to be doing a final right now! I've been working so fucking hard and I'm about the fucking fail a comedy class because I didn't wake up to my alarm! It's just great, its just fucking great!"
It was a weak moment for me. My roommate and suitemate were gracious and reminded me that it would be okay and that I'll be okay and just breathe and all that jazz. I thank them.
Long story short, I made it in time to do the final. I was actually crazy impressed by how well it went. Did I mention my partner and I had never practice it in person once, only spoke of it on Facebook messenger? So yeah. PROUD OF US!
I wanted to tell this story because, first off, it's very fresh and I needed to document it, secondly, I need to remember what I say in moments of weakness. I need to remember those because those are the truth of how I really feel. My fear has been propelling me for weeks. After this experience, I realized that I need to chill the fuck out. Like the week before, everything will turn out okay. Maybe even great. I need to keep a clear head. I need to make time for myself to detox and remember that I'm not perfect and sometimes things just happen that are out of my control. Like sleeping through alarms. These little mistakes aren't the end of me. I'm not just my work. I'm a human as well. Humans mess up sometimes. I need to get over it and move on. All I can do is be prepared with what I can control.
So as I sit here in my favorite coffee shop, enjoying my favorite new band, in my favorite pair of jeans doing my least favorite homework, I remember that I will be okay. Anxiety shouldn't get the best of me because there will be other projects and will require my same attention until the day I die. I'll get them done and done well. I hope that will help keep me sane in this beautiful crazy time in my life.
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
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