Hey there father infested internet! I hope everyone is enjoying time with their fathers or at least had a nice long talk about some sports event or fixing something in your apartment. I have not called my father yet seeing as he is probably napping because he is a feeble old man at the ripe age of 52. But I'm not going to spend this whole blog tearing into John. I'm passed that. Instead, I'm going to say a few words for those without a father today.
John Back was never really a father to me. This man has never given me an advice other than the classic, "Take it easy, brother!" (A mantra for the ages). My dad fell, not only out of my life, but out of his own life many moons ago and I still mourn this like a death. No one should grow up without the support of both parents but unfortunately it happens. My dad chose his pain over me. He chose to live a spiteful life full of regrets and anger instead of enjoying a life with the family that he created, even with it a little broken.
It took me many years to even understand that last sentence. I ALWAYS blamed myself. I said, "Maybe if I was less like my mom, maybe if I was funnier, maybe if I was more like my brothers, maybe he would want to be in my life. Maybe I would have a dad if I was different." I have only recently realized that I'm perfectly fine the way I am. Changing myself never would have helped him because it was up to him to change himself. My dad is the kind of person who lives in constantly anger. He could never focus on the joy of his life. He had three beautiful, hilarious children every weekend and what did we do? Watch Sport Center and play Craps while he drank Milwaukee's Best Light and faded in and out of consciousness. Then when Sunday came, he would send us to my Grandma's so he could get more drunk alone. Not a fun time. But he didn't know how else to deal. The reason for the divorce was this behavior so why would he change? He wouldn't because that's not what he was taught to do. He was taught that when bad things happen, it's always someone else's fault and not his own. When you grow up like that, you never feel the need to change.
Now when I feel sad about my dad and his lack of a presence in my life, I think about what life would have been like if I was raised with these same ideas and I feel lucky. I was lucky to have other people in my life to teach me that life shouldn't be like that. Matt Hayes, specifically, was the best replacement dad a girl could have. Matt Hayes was my youth minister. Throughout my high school career, he taught me that life is scary and sad and funny and wonderful. We just have to laugh with and at it. He taught me that I'm not defined by what has happened to me. I'm defined by my own actions. I'm defined by how I react to these things. I will always wish Matt a Happy Fathers Day because he is really the person who raised me into the woman I am today. Now Matt has 4 daughters of his own and I'm so excited for the way those girls will love the world. Same goes for his son. Anyone who comes from Crystal and Matt's DNA will be good people and will help the world. I just know it. Thank you, Baby Face. You're the best. I hope you're having the best Father's Day!
I can't forget my mother as well. This woman divorced my dad to become the woman she was always supposed to be. She stopped accepting this behavior from him and made a change. That decision may have wrecked my dad but it saved my mother's life. Again, I cannot imagine growing up in a household with my dad. My dad constantly making my mother feel less than, telling her that she was average and me watching this and believing this is how relationships are supposed to be. My mother had the courage to get out of an emotionally abusive relationship and I can never thank her enough. Once she did that for herself, life became very hard for her and our family. We moved a lot, she had some trouble with my brothers and has been lonely for a long time. BUT she is exactly who she wants to be. This was the most wonderful example to grow up around. The idea of being yourself no matter how hard that may be stayed with me and helped me through the disaster I call adolescence. I was a strange child. I was picked on a lot for being different. That's very normal. But I was lucky to have a mom that said, "You are unique in your own way. You are Stargirl. Don't you EVER let ANYONE dull your shine." If it weren't for her, I would not be the quirky, goofy, emotional person I am today. I would have submitted to being just like everyone else and that sounds terribly boring. Thank you, Shyrleen Elizabeth Doughty and Happy Father's Day.
I have one last thing to say about my dad and why I don't get sad about this topic anymore. My dad's life must be so sad. I look around at all of the people I love, how much fun I'm having on a daily basis, and how the choice of happiness is the best decision ever to be made. Then I look at the life of John Back. Alone. Drunk 24/7. Only friend is his mother. He made his decision and he chose wrong. He doesn't have me in his life and that is sad. I'm a very good daughter who would have brought him so much joy if he fucking paid attention to anything but his pain. So I can't be angry with him anymore. I recently sent him a letter that received no response. For those who know me, you know that if I send you a letter, I care a lot about you. Postage is a serious expense to me and I don't do it lightly. Mail brightens people's day. In a world full of notifications and texts, letters are a wonderful way to show that I care enough to take time to sit down and focus on the entertainment of one person for a couple of minutes. That really means something to me. I did this for my dead beat dad because I thought about how this could possibly brighten his dark world. Everyone loves mail. Even an angry old man. So I sent it with the hope of making him smile for once. I honestly hope he did.
IN CONCLUSION, for everyone out there having a hard day not focusing on the hole a fatherless life can leave, look around at the people who were there and thank them today. Your family is not limited to those who share your blood, it is also the people that choose you to this day. They say, "I'm sticking around even though I don't have to." Love those people today. Male, female, or dog. Love them because everyone needs to hear that they're doing something right. Also, if you can bring yourself to do it, be the bigger person, and call him. It might be the only joy he'll find today.
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
Sunday, June 21, 2015
Sunday, June 7, 2015
Vegging Out
Summer 2015 is the last summer I get before I become a real human. I'm not paying rent (thanks to some beautiful friends of mine), I have a job that only needs me on the weekends meaning I get 4 days completely to myself, and I don't have any bills to pay (that will majorly affect my credit...Target REDCARD). This should be the summer of fun and youthful drinking. If I'm not drunk on Lake Michigan at least twice a month, I feel like I'm not doing my societal duty. This should also be the summer I can really focus on comedy.
I'm having a hard time doing either of those things. I find myself vegging out a little bit too much. I get out of work on Sunday night, I go home, perhaps smoke a little, watch some Doctor Who, listen to sappy lovey dovey music and/or Miniature Tigers (both have the same affect on my brain, heart and soul), and fall asleep. This repeats almost every day until Thursday when I have to go to my internship.
My main defense for this repeated behavior is that my first year at Columbia really took it out of me. I don't think I've ever been challenged in the way was there.
When I was at Sinclair, it was definitely difficult. But it was difficult because I was finally learning how to be a good student. After years of fighting my mother about school, I got to college and realized I really need to just take the time to do my work. It's crazy how being in a field you actually care about makes you want to do well. At Sinclair, I was putting in 12-14 hour days for several months of those two years. Class, working in the shop, and rehearsals made my life outside of school slim to none. Weekends and even after late night rehearsals were devoted to homework.
Now I know that this is a classic story of being a student. I know I'm not some saint or martyr for going through all this. I also know this would be easy in comparison to many others I've known. All I'm saying is that it was difficult for me. Very difficult but very rewarding.
At Sinclair, almost every moment of my time was scheduled for school or the costume shop. I remember during Spamalot (Fall 2013), I had a full schedule, shop hours when I wasn't in class, then would work more hours in the shop from 5-10pm. Then when the show opened, I was helping run front of house/box office before the show started then immediately ran backstage and worked on costume run crew, only to have to run back out and do my front of house duties after the show was over. That was one of the craziest and most fun experiences in my entire life. But the point is my life was incredibly scheduled.
At Columbia, this is not the case until my second semester. I had the luxury of On-Campus living, not having a job, and being able to focus only on school. This being said, it was one of the most emotionally and physically taxing years of my life so far (I know it'll get worse but for the better).
I took the work ethic I built at Sinclair and dove right into Columbia with open arms. My first semester, I did anything that was offered to me. I was auditioning regularly, going to Improv Club, doing improv jams, doing open mics, short films, film projects, etc. All of these things that were incredibly helpful in my second semester.
By my second semester, some people actually knew me. This is hard to do in a school as large as Columbia. I had worked with comedy majors, television majors, acting majors, directing majors and film majors. I was getting "work" without having to search it out. That's a real blessing but spoiled me a little.
Now I'm still getting work even in the summer, but I've lost the drive to search for it. I should be going to open mics and improv jams as religiously as I was that first semester but I feel myself getting comfortable. The same thing happened in Dayton. I started to take all of these opportunities for granted instead of diving in and enjoying the hustle and bustle of it all.
Columbia also challenged me differently because it taught me that making my own work is not only a possibility but also very important. Before this point, I always felt like I had to wait until I was good enough. From the many artsy fartsy classes I took in the past two semesters, I've learned you won't be good unless you make shitty work. Shitty work that you love. I had a stage manager at Sinclair that always used to tell us this Chinese proverb or Yogi teabag quote (I'm not sure which), "You cannot change something that doesn't exist." When I got the Columbia, that finally applied to my comedy. I had to get rid of the fear of being wrong, and replace it with a hope to improve. Revising is the key to success when it comes to anything but especially in comedy. You have to do it to see if it works. If it's sitting in your brain, you'll never know. I had to learn to just put it on paper and try not to cringe too much when it was read aloud in class.
I haven't written a joke or a sketch for about a month and I feel like a waste of space. I find things funny. I have good ideas. I just get stuck in my vegetable state and tell myself I'll do it later. I find I can't work where I sleep. There is no inspiration in a place that I see every day. Coffee shops are my writing sanctuary but I haven't had the money to go and spend a day at one. Now I have to money but still haven't. I keep telling myself it's because of this or that or another dumb excuse but it's really just laziness. I'm tired from the semester but I can't stop because of that. I've got to keep making work. What's going to happen when I graduate? Am I just going to stop because I don't have a teacher breathing down my neck? If I keep the same mentality, probably. I need to start getting into the habit of writing on the regular. Whether that's weekly or daily, I'm not sure yet but it needs to be on a regular schedule.
I'm also embarrassed by how much I think about this boy instead of comedy. I'm notoriously boy crazy but I thought I had calmed down after my last lesson/relationship. I do miss him and I'm not going to play it cool and pretend I don't. Now I'm not always thinking about him. When I'm with friends or at work, I focus on what's happening and live my fucking life. I'm not that pathetic. My problem is that whenever my mind wanders, it wanders to him. This does not help me stay motivated at all. My friends say he'll be back before I know it but I feel like that advice is only valid if I keep busy. If I sit around waiting for him to snapchat me, the time will pass terribly slowly.
I have no ending to this blog because I haven't quite figured out what I'm going to do about it yet. Monday, I'm going to lunch with one of my future roommates, then I'm going straight to a coffee shop to figure this shit out. I won't wait for the next school year or a boy to come home. I need to get in the habit of making my life happen, not waiting. Whether that's auditioning like crazy, improvising every chance I get, or writing my own ANYTHING, I need to start doing it now. That's all I know.
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
I'm having a hard time doing either of those things. I find myself vegging out a little bit too much. I get out of work on Sunday night, I go home, perhaps smoke a little, watch some Doctor Who, listen to sappy lovey dovey music and/or Miniature Tigers (both have the same affect on my brain, heart and soul), and fall asleep. This repeats almost every day until Thursday when I have to go to my internship.
My main defense for this repeated behavior is that my first year at Columbia really took it out of me. I don't think I've ever been challenged in the way was there.
When I was at Sinclair, it was definitely difficult. But it was difficult because I was finally learning how to be a good student. After years of fighting my mother about school, I got to college and realized I really need to just take the time to do my work. It's crazy how being in a field you actually care about makes you want to do well. At Sinclair, I was putting in 12-14 hour days for several months of those two years. Class, working in the shop, and rehearsals made my life outside of school slim to none. Weekends and even after late night rehearsals were devoted to homework.
Now I know that this is a classic story of being a student. I know I'm not some saint or martyr for going through all this. I also know this would be easy in comparison to many others I've known. All I'm saying is that it was difficult for me. Very difficult but very rewarding.
At Sinclair, almost every moment of my time was scheduled for school or the costume shop. I remember during Spamalot (Fall 2013), I had a full schedule, shop hours when I wasn't in class, then would work more hours in the shop from 5-10pm. Then when the show opened, I was helping run front of house/box office before the show started then immediately ran backstage and worked on costume run crew, only to have to run back out and do my front of house duties after the show was over. That was one of the craziest and most fun experiences in my entire life. But the point is my life was incredibly scheduled.
At Columbia, this is not the case until my second semester. I had the luxury of On-Campus living, not having a job, and being able to focus only on school. This being said, it was one of the most emotionally and physically taxing years of my life so far (I know it'll get worse but for the better).
I took the work ethic I built at Sinclair and dove right into Columbia with open arms. My first semester, I did anything that was offered to me. I was auditioning regularly, going to Improv Club, doing improv jams, doing open mics, short films, film projects, etc. All of these things that were incredibly helpful in my second semester.
By my second semester, some people actually knew me. This is hard to do in a school as large as Columbia. I had worked with comedy majors, television majors, acting majors, directing majors and film majors. I was getting "work" without having to search it out. That's a real blessing but spoiled me a little.
Now I'm still getting work even in the summer, but I've lost the drive to search for it. I should be going to open mics and improv jams as religiously as I was that first semester but I feel myself getting comfortable. The same thing happened in Dayton. I started to take all of these opportunities for granted instead of diving in and enjoying the hustle and bustle of it all.
Columbia also challenged me differently because it taught me that making my own work is not only a possibility but also very important. Before this point, I always felt like I had to wait until I was good enough. From the many artsy fartsy classes I took in the past two semesters, I've learned you won't be good unless you make shitty work. Shitty work that you love. I had a stage manager at Sinclair that always used to tell us this Chinese proverb or Yogi teabag quote (I'm not sure which), "You cannot change something that doesn't exist." When I got the Columbia, that finally applied to my comedy. I had to get rid of the fear of being wrong, and replace it with a hope to improve. Revising is the key to success when it comes to anything but especially in comedy. You have to do it to see if it works. If it's sitting in your brain, you'll never know. I had to learn to just put it on paper and try not to cringe too much when it was read aloud in class.
I haven't written a joke or a sketch for about a month and I feel like a waste of space. I find things funny. I have good ideas. I just get stuck in my vegetable state and tell myself I'll do it later. I find I can't work where I sleep. There is no inspiration in a place that I see every day. Coffee shops are my writing sanctuary but I haven't had the money to go and spend a day at one. Now I have to money but still haven't. I keep telling myself it's because of this or that or another dumb excuse but it's really just laziness. I'm tired from the semester but I can't stop because of that. I've got to keep making work. What's going to happen when I graduate? Am I just going to stop because I don't have a teacher breathing down my neck? If I keep the same mentality, probably. I need to start getting into the habit of writing on the regular. Whether that's weekly or daily, I'm not sure yet but it needs to be on a regular schedule.
I'm also embarrassed by how much I think about this boy instead of comedy. I'm notoriously boy crazy but I thought I had calmed down after my last lesson/relationship. I do miss him and I'm not going to play it cool and pretend I don't. Now I'm not always thinking about him. When I'm with friends or at work, I focus on what's happening and live my fucking life. I'm not that pathetic. My problem is that whenever my mind wanders, it wanders to him. This does not help me stay motivated at all. My friends say he'll be back before I know it but I feel like that advice is only valid if I keep busy. If I sit around waiting for him to snapchat me, the time will pass terribly slowly.
I have no ending to this blog because I haven't quite figured out what I'm going to do about it yet. Monday, I'm going to lunch with one of my future roommates, then I'm going straight to a coffee shop to figure this shit out. I won't wait for the next school year or a boy to come home. I need to get in the habit of making my life happen, not waiting. Whether that's auditioning like crazy, improvising every chance I get, or writing my own ANYTHING, I need to start doing it now. That's all I know.
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
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