Hey there father infested internet! I hope everyone is enjoying time with their fathers or at least had a nice long talk about some sports event or fixing something in your apartment. I have not called my father yet seeing as he is probably napping because he is a feeble old man at the ripe age of 52. But I'm not going to spend this whole blog tearing into John. I'm passed that. Instead, I'm going to say a few words for those without a father today.
John Back was never really a father to me. This man has never given me an advice other than the classic, "Take it easy, brother!" (A mantra for the ages). My dad fell, not only out of my life, but out of his own life many moons ago and I still mourn this like a death. No one should grow up without the support of both parents but unfortunately it happens. My dad chose his pain over me. He chose to live a spiteful life full of regrets and anger instead of enjoying a life with the family that he created, even with it a little broken.
It took me many years to even understand that last sentence. I ALWAYS blamed myself. I said, "Maybe if I was less like my mom, maybe if I was funnier, maybe if I was more like my brothers, maybe he would want to be in my life. Maybe I would have a dad if I was different." I have only recently realized that I'm perfectly fine the way I am. Changing myself never would have helped him because it was up to him to change himself. My dad is the kind of person who lives in constantly anger. He could never focus on the joy of his life. He had three beautiful, hilarious children every weekend and what did we do? Watch Sport Center and play Craps while he drank Milwaukee's Best Light and faded in and out of consciousness. Then when Sunday came, he would send us to my Grandma's so he could get more drunk alone. Not a fun time. But he didn't know how else to deal. The reason for the divorce was this behavior so why would he change? He wouldn't because that's not what he was taught to do. He was taught that when bad things happen, it's always someone else's fault and not his own. When you grow up like that, you never feel the need to change.
Now when I feel sad about my dad and his lack of a presence in my life, I think about what life would have been like if I was raised with these same ideas and I feel lucky. I was lucky to have other people in my life to teach me that life shouldn't be like that. Matt Hayes, specifically, was the best replacement dad a girl could have. Matt Hayes was my youth minister. Throughout my high school career, he taught me that life is scary and sad and funny and wonderful. We just have to laugh with and at it. He taught me that I'm not defined by what has happened to me. I'm defined by my own actions. I'm defined by how I react to these things. I will always wish Matt a Happy Fathers Day because he is really the person who raised me into the woman I am today. Now Matt has 4 daughters of his own and I'm so excited for the way those girls will love the world. Same goes for his son. Anyone who comes from Crystal and Matt's DNA will be good people and will help the world. I just know it. Thank you, Baby Face. You're the best. I hope you're having the best Father's Day!
I can't forget my mother as well. This woman divorced my dad to become the woman she was always supposed to be. She stopped accepting this behavior from him and made a change. That decision may have wrecked my dad but it saved my mother's life. Again, I cannot imagine growing up in a household with my dad. My dad constantly making my mother feel less than, telling her that she was average and me watching this and believing this is how relationships are supposed to be. My mother had the courage to get out of an emotionally abusive relationship and I can never thank her enough. Once she did that for herself, life became very hard for her and our family. We moved a lot, she had some trouble with my brothers and has been lonely for a long time. BUT she is exactly who she wants to be. This was the most wonderful example to grow up around. The idea of being yourself no matter how hard that may be stayed with me and helped me through the disaster I call adolescence. I was a strange child. I was picked on a lot for being different. That's very normal. But I was lucky to have a mom that said, "You are unique in your own way. You are Stargirl. Don't you EVER let ANYONE dull your shine." If it weren't for her, I would not be the quirky, goofy, emotional person I am today. I would have submitted to being just like everyone else and that sounds terribly boring. Thank you, Shyrleen Elizabeth Doughty and Happy Father's Day.
I have one last thing to say about my dad and why I don't get sad about this topic anymore. My dad's life must be so sad. I look around at all of the people I love, how much fun I'm having on a daily basis, and how the choice of happiness is the best decision ever to be made. Then I look at the life of John Back. Alone. Drunk 24/7. Only friend is his mother. He made his decision and he chose wrong. He doesn't have me in his life and that is sad. I'm a very good daughter who would have brought him so much joy if he fucking paid attention to anything but his pain. So I can't be angry with him anymore. I recently sent him a letter that received no response. For those who know me, you know that if I send you a letter, I care a lot about you. Postage is a serious expense to me and I don't do it lightly. Mail brightens people's day. In a world full of notifications and texts, letters are a wonderful way to show that I care enough to take time to sit down and focus on the entertainment of one person for a couple of minutes. That really means something to me. I did this for my dead beat dad because I thought about how this could possibly brighten his dark world. Everyone loves mail. Even an angry old man. So I sent it with the hope of making him smile for once. I honestly hope he did.
IN CONCLUSION, for everyone out there having a hard day not focusing on the hole a fatherless life can leave, look around at the people who were there and thank them today. Your family is not limited to those who share your blood, it is also the people that choose you to this day. They say, "I'm sticking around even though I don't have to." Love those people today. Male, female, or dog. Love them because everyone needs to hear that they're doing something right. Also, if you can bring yourself to do it, be the bigger person, and call him. It might be the only joy he'll find today.
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
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