Vegging Out

Summer 2015 is the last summer I get before I become a real human. I'm not paying rent (thanks to some beautiful friends of mine), I have a job that only needs me on the weekends meaning I get 4 days completely to myself, and I don't have any bills to pay (that will majorly affect my credit...Target REDCARD). This should be the summer of fun and youthful drinking. If I'm not drunk on Lake Michigan at least twice a month, I feel like I'm not doing my societal duty. This should also be the summer I can really focus on comedy.

I'm having a hard time doing either of those things. I find myself vegging out a little bit too much. I get out of work on Sunday night, I go home, perhaps smoke a little, watch some Doctor Who, listen to sappy lovey dovey music and/or Miniature Tigers (both have the same affect on my brain, heart and soul), and fall asleep. This repeats almost every day until Thursday when I have to go to my internship.

My main defense for this repeated behavior is that my first year at Columbia really took it out of me. I don't think I've ever been challenged in the way was there.
When I was at Sinclair, it was definitely difficult. But it was difficult because I was finally learning how to be a good student. After years of fighting my mother about school, I got to college and realized I really need to just take the time to do my work. It's crazy how being in a field you actually care about makes you want to do well. At Sinclair, I was putting in 12-14 hour days for several months of those two years. Class, working in the shop, and rehearsals made my life outside of school slim to none. Weekends and even after late night rehearsals were devoted to homework.

Now I know that this is a classic story of being a student. I know I'm not some saint or martyr for going through all this. I also know this would be easy in comparison to many others I've known. All I'm saying is that it was difficult for me. Very difficult but very rewarding.

At Sinclair, almost every moment of my time was scheduled for school or the costume shop. I remember during Spamalot (Fall 2013), I had a full schedule, shop hours when I wasn't in class, then would work more hours in the shop from 5-10pm. Then when the show opened, I was helping run front of house/box office before the show started then immediately ran backstage and worked on costume run crew, only to have to run back out and do my front of house duties after the show was over. That was one of the craziest and most fun experiences in my entire life. But the point is my life was incredibly scheduled.
At Columbia, this is not the case until my second semester. I had the luxury of On-Campus living, not having a job, and being able to focus only on school. This being said, it was one of the most emotionally and physically taxing years of my life so far (I know it'll get worse but for the better).

I took the work ethic I built at Sinclair and dove right into Columbia with open arms. My first semester, I did anything that was offered to me. I was auditioning regularly, going to Improv Club, doing improv jams, doing open mics, short films, film projects, etc. All of these things that were incredibly helpful in my second semester.
By my second semester, some people actually knew me. This is hard to do in a school as large as Columbia. I had worked with comedy majors, television majors, acting majors, directing majors and film majors. I was getting "work" without having to search it out. That's a real blessing but spoiled me a little.

 Now I'm still getting work even in the summer, but I've lost the drive to search for it. I should be going to open mics and improv jams as religiously as I was that first semester but I feel myself getting comfortable. The same thing happened in Dayton. I started to take all of these opportunities for granted instead of diving in and enjoying the hustle and bustle of it all.

Columbia also challenged me differently because it taught me that making my own work is not only a possibility but also very important. Before this point, I always felt like I had to wait until I was good enough. From the many artsy fartsy classes I took in the past two semesters, I've learned you won't be good unless you make shitty work. Shitty work that you love. I had a stage manager at Sinclair that always used to tell us this Chinese proverb or Yogi teabag quote (I'm not sure which), "You cannot change something that doesn't exist." When I got the Columbia, that finally applied to my comedy. I had to get rid of the fear of being wrong, and replace it with a hope to improve. Revising is the key to success when it comes to anything but especially in comedy. You have to do it to see if it works. If it's sitting in your brain, you'll never know. I had to learn to just put it on paper and try not to cringe too much when it was read aloud in class.

I haven't written a joke or a sketch for about a month and I feel like a waste of space. I find things funny. I have good ideas. I just get stuck in my vegetable state and tell myself I'll do it later. I find I can't work where I sleep. There is no inspiration in a place that I see every day. Coffee shops are my writing sanctuary but I haven't had the money to go and spend a day at one. Now I have to money but still haven't. I keep telling myself it's because of this or that or another dumb excuse but it's really just laziness. I'm tired from the semester but I can't stop because of that. I've got to keep making work. What's going to happen when I graduate? Am I just going to stop because I don't have a teacher breathing down my neck? If I keep the same mentality, probably. I need to start getting into the habit of writing on the regular. Whether that's weekly or daily, I'm not sure yet but it needs to be on a regular schedule.


I'm also embarrassed by how much I think about this boy instead of comedy. I'm notoriously boy crazy but I thought I had calmed down after my last lesson/relationship. I do miss him and I'm not going to play it cool and pretend I don't. Now I'm not always thinking about him. When I'm with friends or at work, I focus on what's happening and live my fucking life. I'm not that pathetic. My problem is that whenever my mind wanders, it wanders to him. This does not help me stay motivated at all. My friends say he'll be back before I know it but I feel like that advice is only valid if I keep busy. If I sit around waiting for him to snapchat me, the time will pass terribly slowly.

I have no ending to this blog because I haven't quite figured out what I'm going to do about it yet. Monday, I'm going to lunch with one of my future roommates, then I'm going straight to a coffee shop to figure this shit out. I won't wait for the next school year or a boy to come home. I need to get in the habit of making my life happen, not waiting. Whether that's auditioning like crazy, improvising every chance I get, or writing my own ANYTHING, I need to start doing it now. That's all I know.

Thanks for listening. Come back for more.