Wowie kapowie. I haven't written one of these in a while. Some say I'm happy. Some say I'm busy. I say, I just haven't had an inspiring idea. With the year 2015 behind me, I thought back to when it was only just beginning.
2014 was a year that shaped my existence as more than any other year. I moved to Chicago, Taylor Swift released 1989, and I felt the largest heartbreak of my life so far, the death of a former best friend. 11 months of that year I was young and excited. For the first 3 months of the year, I was re-vamping myself, in the 4th month, I put my attention and efforts towards accomplishing my dream of moving to Chicago, by the 8th month, I accomplished that dream, but during the 12th month, all that happiness and overwhelming joy faded. Dave took his life and I wore the pain on me like a raggedy coat for months.
2014 was the last year that I was innocent. It was the last year that I thought heartbreak was only caused by a boy breaking up with you. It was the last year I just kind of grasped the concept of loss, instead of fully understanding it. It was my last year as a girl.
I also left my old flame in 2014. Charles and I on the last day of 2014 decided that we wouldn't speak anymore. A decision that felt like a mere scratch compared to the loss of Dave but was still a loss in and of itself.
I didn't want 2015 to come. I wanted the exhilaration of accomplishment back. I wanted my old flame back. I wanted Dave back.
2015 came anyway. I was in Dayton on a dog hair covered couch next to friends that adored me. I counted down. I kissed my friend. I sipped my beer. I played the part of New Years Eve Party Goer to a T.
My womanhood seemed to truly begin that night. With no romantic attachments, no job, an understanding of grief, and a new red lipstick, I returned to Chicago to continue what I started in 2014, my adult life. I went back to school early to be a part of the Comedy New Stew directed by Anne Libera. At a time when being funny was the least appetizing, I tried to throw myself into the work. We had rehearsals in the morning then had the rest of the day to ourselves. Knowing the rest of the day typically resulted in me laying in my bed sleeping or crying, I knew I could escape the grief in the morning. I wasn't thinking about Dave or the sound the rocks made when they hit his casket. I was thinking about Dorothy Parker and the Algonquin Round Table. I was thinking about delivery and timing. I was thinking about ensemble and stage picture.
The rest of the year followed suit. I worked and worked and worked. Eventually, it wasn't to numb, it was because I loved it. I was doing theater, stand up, improv and writing sketch. I loved the person I was becoming and life I was leading.
Early in 2015, I had made the decision to stop just having sex and start having a real relationship. The kind that doesn't stop texting you because they found other person to bang or because they got what they wanted and moved on. I wanted a friend that also wanted to kiss my face and touch my butt. I wasn't settling for any less so that gave me even more incentive to keep working and creating.
In March of 2015, Willem Aloe asked me, at a rooftop party, if I wanted to "do something sometime." My response verbatim was, "Yeah! I eat sometimes!" With a response that barely answered the original question in a coherent way, I put my number in his phone. He later specified, "By 'do something', I meant like a date." Playing it cool yet again, I responded with nonchalant, "I mean I don't really know you yet so I mean we'll see but yeah cool." As much as I thought this boy was the shit, I knew that I can't throw myself into him like I had with others. I had learned better.
Our first date was simply walking around Chicago. We walked around for a couple of hours then got chilly and sat in the lobby of my dorm talking, laughing, watching fart videos, until 3am. With a hug goodnight, I went to my room with that Cloud 9 feeling I thought I had forgotten. Over the next 3 months, we began seeing each other. After a brief intermission during the summer, we became official in September.
I never thought I'd finish 2015 living my life WITH someone. A person that looks at me like my shit don't stink. The man who calms and excites me at the same time. Someone who I love because he's Willem Freakin' Aloe and doesn't ever apologize for that.
My relationship aside, 2015 continued to be a great year. I became a tour guide. I started my film career. I got cast in Freq Out (a mini-dream since 2014). I've been able to really explore all sides of the performing arts. I've learned what I like and what I don't like. What I'm good at and what I want to get better at. You know, typical self-actualizing human stuff.
My career will soon take me away from Chicago and lead me West. Before I try to tackle the City of Angels, I'm going to spend my early 20s here, working, learning, improving, so that when I get out there I'm as close to ready as I'll ever be.
With all of this success and happiness, came doubt and fear and lots of tears. Though I was overall happy, there are still days when you just need to sit in the shower and play Hurt by Johnny Cash on repeat until the tears stop. The sad days are a small price to pay for the fantastic ones. That is a sentence I need to have tattooed on me. Probably not in those exact words....YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!
There are still moments, hours, days that I feel the pain of losing Dave. Missing him is a feeling I'll never get over. As the regret is taking its sweet time to leave my brain, I still find peace in the passage of time. The grief pops up less often now and even if it does, I'm able to silence it with a good memory or reminder that I loved him the best I knew how.
I didn't want 2015 to happen but it did. It did and I'm better for it. Now 2016 is upon me and I welcomed it with much wider arms. New year doesn't mean a new me. It means a me-er me. I'm slowly becoming a woman that I can be proud of, through all the heartbreak and the success. Both work together.
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
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