7 Words

Here are 7 words I thought I'd always be above saying;
I've slightly lost myself in a relationship.

I thought it was impossible for me to feel so comfortable with someone that I'd lose sight of my own self-actualization. Feeling heard, loved and like I'm on a team with Willem has had a weird effect on me and the strong independent woman I aim to become. I've been so excited about us that I forgot to continually seek fulfillment in my work and life. Whenever I was unhappy with my work or school, I would lean into him. He would help me to feel better and even challenge me to try new things but I wouldn't take the advice. I was satisfied enough that he believed in me.
The other day he asked me, "What's the one thing you want to do before you leave Chicago?" I didn't have a vivid answer for him. I gave myself moments to think and decided on a one woman show or a movie I write with my friends. Upon saying that, I thought about how I don't have a group a friends that I could make a movie with. Before we started dating, I wasn't really a "hang out" kind of gal. I had great friends but I always felt like we needed to be doing something if we were going to hang out. If we weren't, I would just rather be alone because I didn't want to have to try and be super social or entertaining. When I began dating him, I wanted to be with him all the time. I just couldn't get enough. I enjoyed entertaining him. As I got more comfortable with him, it was less about entertaining and more about just existing with him. He accepted me for every weird thing I was and every not super interesting word that I said. This had helped me realize that my friends feel the same way. The "having to entertain" came from my own insecurity, not they're need from me to be entertaining. Because I've spent honest time with him, I've learned that hanging with real friends means being chill and not trying to prove anything. But now on nights that he isn't available, I search through my phone and feel bad about asking any of my friends to hang out because I feel like I've abandoned them and I'm now just coming to them because he's not there.
His question also made me think about how I'm not doing/creating any work that fulfills me which makes me lean more to him. I'm a part of many different projects right now but I'm not looking at them as opportunities for growth. I used to look at former projects things that help make me and my art better. Now I've stopped focusing on that and only focus on getting the work done so I can relax. This is a simple mental switch that can help not only my art but also our relationship. Leaning on him too much for fulfillment and happiness is a huge no-no in any relationship but especially with the impending foreclosure of ours as we know it. (Oh yeah, he's moving to L.A in August for those who don't know.) I feel like I need to find my personal happiness even more because of this.

It's spring break and he's about to leave for over 5 days to visit family and some other fun stuff. During that time, I'm challenging myself to re-connect with my wants and needs. I'm re-evaluating my happiness, the happiness that is separate to the happiness of our partnership. Self-Actualization has always been my goal and being in love shouldn't stop that. I'll keep you updated.

Thanks for listening. Come back for more.