"I really want to travel more." This phrase has come out of so many mouths to me. But alas, people just don't travel. Lack of money gets in the way.
Well, I'm going to travel. I don't have much money and will probably just walk around most trips but its not about buying things. In my humble opinion, traveling is about experiencing a different environment. I could buy stuff from any country on Ebay. I can't tell you how it feels to look at the New York skyline as your plane descends back to earth. I could guess but unless I do it, I'll never know. I'm certain it looks like something I rarely see. Accomplishment.
Last summer, I went on a trip with my good friend Kara to Chicago. We planned and paid for it all by ourselves. Our parents just drove us to the bus station. From that point on, we were on our own. Us against the big world. The bus ride was mostly in the dark so it felt as though we were in a different world.
But then I saw the skyline. Like a lighthouse bringing our boat to shore.
I cried. Seriously! You can ask Kara. I just kept saying, "We did it." I kept saying it to the point that she said, "Okay yeah we did it," out of annoyance.
Though I knew I might have been a bit over emotional, I had accomplished something all by myself. I took the initiative and had arrived at my destination. Some might say, "Yeah cool you bought a bus ticket. Good for you." And those people are wrong. I did so much more than that. I stopped thinking about doing something and I actually did it. I fucking did it. I wouldn't have experienced the things I did if I hadn't bought that bus ticket. I wouldn't known that I wanted to go to college instead of just moving. I wouldn't have known that Chicago is a place I want to live and work. I just wouldn't know.
There is only so much you can learn and feel from a laptop.
So now as I set off on my next adventure, I will remember that no matter what happens while I'm there, I accomplished something great. Even though I'm traveling by plane this time, I know that the same emotions will hit me when I see that skyline welcoming me into it's heart.
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
God Will Never Forsake You
I grew up in church. From fifth to twelfth grade I was involved in the youth group of Lake Avenue Christian Church. Every week, I would go to church on Sunday and then youth group on Sunday night. I've heard a lot of sermons. A lot. But I never really understood. I listened. I felt moved but I don't think I really internalized anything. I had many people that cared about me and tried so hard to beat these lessons into me. The Hayes/Main family specifically made an incredible impression on my faith. Though I was taught to not think this way, I thought I was a great person for going to church. I was above all of the people who drank and had sex in high school. I was a "Christian".
Today I sit here humbled by God. My whole life I have heard, "God will never forsake you." Which was already hard enough for me to understand and believe since I had been forsaken by my earthly father. It felt like God was just some distant being who watched me in my misery. I felt like he wanted my dad become the shell of a man to teach me a lesson. I was angry at this but didn't want to express it because I knew it would be received with the token, "God teaches us in strange ways." I hated this because I felt like I learned nothing. I just felt abandoned.
Let's rewind to a summer in Daytona, FL. A woman by the name of Maria finally broke down this fear of my natural response to "God's lessons". At first when she began asking me about my dad and God, I shut it down with my favorite phrase "I'm a stronger person because of it." which translates to "I don't want to talk about it." Her response changed my view of God completely. "God didn't want you to go through that." In a world where everything was God's plan, this idea sent shock waves through my whole life. I blamed God for my lack of a father figure when I should have been blaming my father for not being there. In that moment, I released all of the pent up anger for God. He didn't want me to be a wounded little person. The world did this to me, not God. In that moment, I cried what felt like 18 years worth of tears. I also realized that God is the father I need. He won't leave. Ever. He's been here longer than me and will still be there for my great great great grandchildren.
Fast forward to now. Within the last year, I have made so many mistakes. I have, as I keep mentioning, thought of suicide. The burden of the person I had become, became too much. Looking back on these moments, I realize that I forgot a major part of God. His forgiveness. I heard so often about God's mercy. As every other lesson, it went in one ear and out the other. I guess I hadn't done anything to be forgiven at that point. I realize that God doesn't care what mistakes I've made in the past year. He only cares about my future and the good things I have done on this earth. His true forgiveness has brought me out of a deep depression.
Now that I have FINALLY internalized these lessons, I am eager to learn more. My way of life with God has made me happier. Being able to rely on him, gives me great solace. Though it took me 8 years to learn it, I love the Lord and what he does for me.
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
Today I sit here humbled by God. My whole life I have heard, "God will never forsake you." Which was already hard enough for me to understand and believe since I had been forsaken by my earthly father. It felt like God was just some distant being who watched me in my misery. I felt like he wanted my dad become the shell of a man to teach me a lesson. I was angry at this but didn't want to express it because I knew it would be received with the token, "God teaches us in strange ways." I hated this because I felt like I learned nothing. I just felt abandoned.
Let's rewind to a summer in Daytona, FL. A woman by the name of Maria finally broke down this fear of my natural response to "God's lessons". At first when she began asking me about my dad and God, I shut it down with my favorite phrase "I'm a stronger person because of it." which translates to "I don't want to talk about it." Her response changed my view of God completely. "God didn't want you to go through that." In a world where everything was God's plan, this idea sent shock waves through my whole life. I blamed God for my lack of a father figure when I should have been blaming my father for not being there. In that moment, I released all of the pent up anger for God. He didn't want me to be a wounded little person. The world did this to me, not God. In that moment, I cried what felt like 18 years worth of tears. I also realized that God is the father I need. He won't leave. Ever. He's been here longer than me and will still be there for my great great great grandchildren.
Fast forward to now. Within the last year, I have made so many mistakes. I have, as I keep mentioning, thought of suicide. The burden of the person I had become, became too much. Looking back on these moments, I realize that I forgot a major part of God. His forgiveness. I heard so often about God's mercy. As every other lesson, it went in one ear and out the other. I guess I hadn't done anything to be forgiven at that point. I realize that God doesn't care what mistakes I've made in the past year. He only cares about my future and the good things I have done on this earth. His true forgiveness has brought me out of a deep depression.
Now that I have FINALLY internalized these lessons, I am eager to learn more. My way of life with God has made me happier. Being able to rely on him, gives me great solace. Though it took me 8 years to learn it, I love the Lord and what he does for me.
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
Sunday, February 9, 2014
Self-Inflicted
I take responsibility for my own actions. Well, at least I'm starting to now. So right now I have the responsibility to say that I have not been practicing what I preach.
In one of my previous post, I vowed to focus on myself and not worry about men. This would be much easier if I hadn't discovered Tinder. This app, for those that don't know, is the most addicting dating app for people my age. It presents you with pictures and profiles of guys/girls near by. If you like them, you swipe right. If you don't like them, you swipe left. If you both swipe right, you can chat. It's so easy and so deadly for me personally. I made a profile with the intention of "having fun" which is code for feel good about myself because men are interested in my based on a little profile on their phone. How flattering. Though I have met some real creeps and some really desperate men, I met one guy that I really liked.
He's a junior at UD and he's so good-looking. I have to admit that when we started messaging, I was still dating my previous boyfriend. Though I feel guilty, that was not the reason I ended that relationship. Once I was "free", I began messaging, let's call him Jay, I began messaging Jay constantly. He was funny and thought I was funny and I felt like he was so much cooler than most of the people on Tinder.
But I made two crucial mistakes. First mistake, continuing to message him after I "decided" to be single and free. If I would have stopped talking to him and focused on me, I would have avoided all of this. But hindsight is 20/20. My second mistake is the real story of this fleeting relationship.
Jay and I are messaging on a Saturday evening, at this point in time, it seemed like he really wanted to meet me. He was seemed like a real gentleman and wanted to meet in more of a date setting. I was excited. I wanted to meet him and see what he was like. Either way, I liked him. Even though I kept saying, "I'm not looking to date anyone right now." to myself and others, I was really hoping this would be a dating relationship. I don't mean like a dating relationship where we meeting each others parents and reveal our deepest secrets and fears to each other. Hell no. I just wanted to go out with a guy on dates. Plain and simple. Go ice skating, laser tagging, or just go to dinner. Simple dating relationship. So on this Saturday evening we are talking about possibly meeting. He beat around the bush a lot and I told him, "I'm going to B-Dubs on Brown street whether you're there or not." He said he was busy getting ready for some major drinking event for his frat house. So I did as I told him and went to B-Dubs alone. While I was waiting for my to-go order, he texts me and asks if he can come meet me while I'm waiting for my food. I said okay. When he arrived, I already had my food. So we walked up and down the block before I got back in my car to go to the Black Box. It was only like a minute but I thought he was so cute and sweet! I remember I got in the car and I was saying, "HE IS ADORABLE!" to myself. Something I hadn't realized during this encounter, he had been drinking. This is important information for the rest of this story.
Later that night, I'm watching SNL with Dave and I receive a text message that says, "You should come here ;)" This is where I made my second mistake. I went. I show up at a frat house in the heart of UD. I tried to dance a little bit but just asked him if we could go somewhere to be alone. He took me to his apartment and we fooled around. This was the nail in the coffin.
After this, he has never wanted to see me unless he was completely drunk. He'll text me here and there but not as much as when he was shit-faced. The last time I left his apartment, I realized that we would never go on a date. He would never ask me a question about myself or even if he did, he wouldn't care about the answer. I was a just a booty call.
This is not a story about how terrible men are. I'm not a victim in this scenario. I'm the main suspect. I'm the one who murdered this relationship. Though I do believe that if he actually liked me, he would have said no, I also believe that I set this precedent. I told this guy through my actions that treating me like a piece of meat was okay. For me personally, it was not what I wanted. But alas, it happened. I made a mistake and probably lost someone I could have really liked and seemed to like me. If we would have gone on a date or something, and he still seems to only want that, then yes, I could blame him. But we didn't so I can't.
I'm taking responsibility for all of my actions, especially with men. A lot of people act like men are terrible and that they hurt us by not caring about us. But I think sometimes we open ourselves up to be hurt. If you're like me and will do anything to make men like you, then this will be a huge struggle in your life. I realized that even though I know that relationships like this are toxic, I have to fight them all of my life because of the way I am. Everyone does. It's so easy to fall into these relationships because we feel wanted. But it normally lasts for one night. Then the morning after, you walk away feeling alone and taken advantage of. But I think it is only because we aren't comfortable admitting that we did this to ourselves by not expecting more.
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
In one of my previous post, I vowed to focus on myself and not worry about men. This would be much easier if I hadn't discovered Tinder. This app, for those that don't know, is the most addicting dating app for people my age. It presents you with pictures and profiles of guys/girls near by. If you like them, you swipe right. If you don't like them, you swipe left. If you both swipe right, you can chat. It's so easy and so deadly for me personally. I made a profile with the intention of "having fun" which is code for feel good about myself because men are interested in my based on a little profile on their phone. How flattering. Though I have met some real creeps and some really desperate men, I met one guy that I really liked.
He's a junior at UD and he's so good-looking. I have to admit that when we started messaging, I was still dating my previous boyfriend. Though I feel guilty, that was not the reason I ended that relationship. Once I was "free", I began messaging, let's call him Jay, I began messaging Jay constantly. He was funny and thought I was funny and I felt like he was so much cooler than most of the people on Tinder.
But I made two crucial mistakes. First mistake, continuing to message him after I "decided" to be single and free. If I would have stopped talking to him and focused on me, I would have avoided all of this. But hindsight is 20/20. My second mistake is the real story of this fleeting relationship.
Jay and I are messaging on a Saturday evening, at this point in time, it seemed like he really wanted to meet me. He was seemed like a real gentleman and wanted to meet in more of a date setting. I was excited. I wanted to meet him and see what he was like. Either way, I liked him. Even though I kept saying, "I'm not looking to date anyone right now." to myself and others, I was really hoping this would be a dating relationship. I don't mean like a dating relationship where we meeting each others parents and reveal our deepest secrets and fears to each other. Hell no. I just wanted to go out with a guy on dates. Plain and simple. Go ice skating, laser tagging, or just go to dinner. Simple dating relationship. So on this Saturday evening we are talking about possibly meeting. He beat around the bush a lot and I told him, "I'm going to B-Dubs on Brown street whether you're there or not." He said he was busy getting ready for some major drinking event for his frat house. So I did as I told him and went to B-Dubs alone. While I was waiting for my to-go order, he texts me and asks if he can come meet me while I'm waiting for my food. I said okay. When he arrived, I already had my food. So we walked up and down the block before I got back in my car to go to the Black Box. It was only like a minute but I thought he was so cute and sweet! I remember I got in the car and I was saying, "HE IS ADORABLE!" to myself. Something I hadn't realized during this encounter, he had been drinking. This is important information for the rest of this story.
Later that night, I'm watching SNL with Dave and I receive a text message that says, "You should come here ;)" This is where I made my second mistake. I went. I show up at a frat house in the heart of UD. I tried to dance a little bit but just asked him if we could go somewhere to be alone. He took me to his apartment and we fooled around. This was the nail in the coffin.
After this, he has never wanted to see me unless he was completely drunk. He'll text me here and there but not as much as when he was shit-faced. The last time I left his apartment, I realized that we would never go on a date. He would never ask me a question about myself or even if he did, he wouldn't care about the answer. I was a just a booty call.
This is not a story about how terrible men are. I'm not a victim in this scenario. I'm the main suspect. I'm the one who murdered this relationship. Though I do believe that if he actually liked me, he would have said no, I also believe that I set this precedent. I told this guy through my actions that treating me like a piece of meat was okay. For me personally, it was not what I wanted. But alas, it happened. I made a mistake and probably lost someone I could have really liked and seemed to like me. If we would have gone on a date or something, and he still seems to only want that, then yes, I could blame him. But we didn't so I can't.
I'm taking responsibility for all of my actions, especially with men. A lot of people act like men are terrible and that they hurt us by not caring about us. But I think sometimes we open ourselves up to be hurt. If you're like me and will do anything to make men like you, then this will be a huge struggle in your life. I realized that even though I know that relationships like this are toxic, I have to fight them all of my life because of the way I am. Everyone does. It's so easy to fall into these relationships because we feel wanted. But it normally lasts for one night. Then the morning after, you walk away feeling alone and taken advantage of. But I think it is only because we aren't comfortable admitting that we did this to ourselves by not expecting more.
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
Saturday, February 1, 2014
Fishing For Friends
I have always had a lot of people around me. I'm a very social person so the idea of a lot of people thrilled me. I liked making people laugh. I still like that but recently, I realized something. I'm actually lonely.
I remember the first day I could drive all by myself. I took my drivers test in the morning and after school, I was free to roam where ever I wanted to go, within the greater New Carlisle area. Most kids, to my understanding, go straight to a friend's house and then go out to eat or go to a park or just go ANYWHERE. The fact is that they go with someone. At the time, I had at least 3 "best friends" and a boyfriend. I didn't pick any of them up. I didn't even call. Do you want to know what I did? Of course you do. You're still reading. I got the keys, sat in the car, checked my mirrors, and drove to Fazoli's. What did I do at Fazoli's? I ate a whole lasagna by myself, bread sticks included. A sixteen year old girl eating alone in a Fazoli's. I could have called anyone. I could gone anywhere. Been social with so many people. But I didn't. Since then, I have learned to love being alone. Ever since that day, when I get in a car I feel so comfortable. I can sing as loud as I want and say anything I want. No one is there to judge me. I can cry. Honestly, the car is the only place I cry now. Even if someone on the road sees me, I don't really care. They will drive away and forget they ever saw me. I like it that way. I never get the "Awe! What's wrong? It's gonna be okay!" When people say that to me without knowing what's wrong with me, I want to hurt them physically. That doesn't happen in the car. It's my little safe metal box.
Having the mentality of only being safe when I'm alone has lead to me being lonely. I realized that I don't feel safe around anyone. Currently, I have two "best friends" and neither of them know how sad I am sometimes. Neither of them know that I lose the will to live often. Neither of them know that I cry in my car. Though these two humans know more than anyone else, they still don't know a lot of what is going on in my head. I'm so afraid of saying somethings out loud to another human that I just don't. This fear keeps me from having successful relationships with men. I play the, "You don't understand me," card when it's really just that I don't want them to. If they understood me, they could judge me and ultimately leave me or know just how crazy I am.
So I live a life where I am around people a lot but don't express myself. I play a character of what I think is acceptable in the situation. I'm not being someone else, I'm being a different version of myself. The confident, charming, lovable part of myself. I have a blast, say goodbye to everyone, and get in my car. I get in my car and cry. It just happens.
I realize that no matter how much fun I have with those people, I can never really rely on them. Not because of their own faults, but mine.
I have no happy ending or lesson to this story. I just have the confession that I am lonely. I also want to say that I'm not asking anyone to be my friend or anything like that. I'm just admitting that though I act put together and self-aware in this blog, I have only learned those things from being lonely and talking to myself in my car. Maybe in a month I will have the solution or answer to this "problem" or maybe I won't. You'll just have to check back and see.
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
I remember the first day I could drive all by myself. I took my drivers test in the morning and after school, I was free to roam where ever I wanted to go, within the greater New Carlisle area. Most kids, to my understanding, go straight to a friend's house and then go out to eat or go to a park or just go ANYWHERE. The fact is that they go with someone. At the time, I had at least 3 "best friends" and a boyfriend. I didn't pick any of them up. I didn't even call. Do you want to know what I did? Of course you do. You're still reading. I got the keys, sat in the car, checked my mirrors, and drove to Fazoli's. What did I do at Fazoli's? I ate a whole lasagna by myself, bread sticks included. A sixteen year old girl eating alone in a Fazoli's. I could have called anyone. I could gone anywhere. Been social with so many people. But I didn't. Since then, I have learned to love being alone. Ever since that day, when I get in a car I feel so comfortable. I can sing as loud as I want and say anything I want. No one is there to judge me. I can cry. Honestly, the car is the only place I cry now. Even if someone on the road sees me, I don't really care. They will drive away and forget they ever saw me. I like it that way. I never get the "Awe! What's wrong? It's gonna be okay!" When people say that to me without knowing what's wrong with me, I want to hurt them physically. That doesn't happen in the car. It's my little safe metal box.
Having the mentality of only being safe when I'm alone has lead to me being lonely. I realized that I don't feel safe around anyone. Currently, I have two "best friends" and neither of them know how sad I am sometimes. Neither of them know that I lose the will to live often. Neither of them know that I cry in my car. Though these two humans know more than anyone else, they still don't know a lot of what is going on in my head. I'm so afraid of saying somethings out loud to another human that I just don't. This fear keeps me from having successful relationships with men. I play the, "You don't understand me," card when it's really just that I don't want them to. If they understood me, they could judge me and ultimately leave me or know just how crazy I am.
So I live a life where I am around people a lot but don't express myself. I play a character of what I think is acceptable in the situation. I'm not being someone else, I'm being a different version of myself. The confident, charming, lovable part of myself. I have a blast, say goodbye to everyone, and get in my car. I get in my car and cry. It just happens.
I realize that no matter how much fun I have with those people, I can never really rely on them. Not because of their own faults, but mine.
I have no happy ending or lesson to this story. I just have the confession that I am lonely. I also want to say that I'm not asking anyone to be my friend or anything like that. I'm just admitting that though I act put together and self-aware in this blog, I have only learned those things from being lonely and talking to myself in my car. Maybe in a month I will have the solution or answer to this "problem" or maybe I won't. You'll just have to check back and see.
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
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