Fishing For Friends

I have always had a lot of people around me. I'm a very social person so the idea of a lot of people thrilled me. I liked making people laugh. I still like that but recently, I realized something. I'm actually lonely.

I remember the first day I could drive all by myself. I took my drivers test in the morning and after school, I was free to roam where ever I wanted to go, within the greater New Carlisle area. Most kids, to my understanding, go straight to a friend's house and then go out to eat or go to a park or just go ANYWHERE. The fact is that they go with someone. At the time, I had at least 3 "best friends" and a boyfriend. I didn't pick any of them up. I didn't even call. Do you want to know what I did? Of course you do. You're still reading. I got the keys, sat in the car, checked my mirrors, and drove to Fazoli's. What did I do at Fazoli's? I ate a whole lasagna by myself, bread sticks included. A sixteen year old girl eating alone in a Fazoli's. I could have called anyone. I could gone anywhere. Been social with so many people. But I didn't. Since then, I have learned to love being alone. Ever since that day, when I get in a car I feel so comfortable. I can sing as loud as I want and say anything I want. No one is there to judge me. I can cry. Honestly, the car is the only place I cry now. Even if someone on the road sees me, I don't really care. They will drive away and forget they ever saw me. I like it that way. I never get the "Awe! What's wrong? It's gonna be okay!" When people say that to me without knowing what's wrong with me, I want to hurt them physically. That doesn't happen in the car. It's my little safe metal box.

Having the mentality of only being safe when I'm alone has lead to me being lonely. I realized that I don't feel safe around anyone. Currently, I have two "best friends" and neither of them know how sad I am sometimes. Neither of them know that I lose the will to live often. Neither of them know that I cry in my car. Though these two humans know more than anyone else, they still don't know a lot of what is going on in my head. I'm so afraid of saying somethings out loud to another human that I just don't. This fear keeps me from having successful relationships with men. I play the, "You don't understand me," card when it's really just that I don't want them to. If they understood me, they could judge me and ultimately leave me or know just how crazy I am.

So I live a life where I am around people a lot but don't express myself. I play a character of what I think is acceptable in the situation. I'm not being someone else, I'm being a different version of myself. The confident, charming, lovable part of myself. I have a blast, say goodbye to everyone, and get in my car. I get in my car and cry. It just happens.

I realize that no matter how much fun I have with those people, I can never really rely on them. Not because of their own faults, but mine.

I have no happy ending or lesson to this story. I just have the confession that I am lonely. I also want to say that I'm not asking anyone to be my friend or anything like that. I'm just admitting that though I act put together and self-aware in this blog, I have only learned those things from being lonely and talking to myself in my car. Maybe in a month I will have the solution or answer to this "problem" or maybe I won't. You'll just have to check back and see.

Thanks for listening. Come back for more.