I take responsibility for my own actions. Well, at least I'm starting to now. So right now I have the responsibility to say that I have not been practicing what I preach.
In one of my previous post, I vowed to focus on myself and not worry about men. This would be much easier if I hadn't discovered Tinder. This app, for those that don't know, is the most addicting dating app for people my age. It presents you with pictures and profiles of guys/girls near by. If you like them, you swipe right. If you don't like them, you swipe left. If you both swipe right, you can chat. It's so easy and so deadly for me personally. I made a profile with the intention of "having fun" which is code for feel good about myself because men are interested in my based on a little profile on their phone. How flattering. Though I have met some real creeps and some really desperate men, I met one guy that I really liked.
He's a junior at UD and he's so good-looking. I have to admit that when we started messaging, I was still dating my previous boyfriend. Though I feel guilty, that was not the reason I ended that relationship. Once I was "free", I began messaging, let's call him Jay, I began messaging Jay constantly. He was funny and thought I was funny and I felt like he was so much cooler than most of the people on Tinder.
But I made two crucial mistakes. First mistake, continuing to message him after I "decided" to be single and free. If I would have stopped talking to him and focused on me, I would have avoided all of this. But hindsight is 20/20. My second mistake is the real story of this fleeting relationship.
Jay and I are messaging on a Saturday evening, at this point in time, it seemed like he really wanted to meet me. He was seemed like a real gentleman and wanted to meet in more of a date setting. I was excited. I wanted to meet him and see what he was like. Either way, I liked him. Even though I kept saying, "I'm not looking to date anyone right now." to myself and others, I was really hoping this would be a dating relationship. I don't mean like a dating relationship where we meeting each others parents and reveal our deepest secrets and fears to each other. Hell no. I just wanted to go out with a guy on dates. Plain and simple. Go ice skating, laser tagging, or just go to dinner. Simple dating relationship. So on this Saturday evening we are talking about possibly meeting. He beat around the bush a lot and I told him, "I'm going to B-Dubs on Brown street whether you're there or not." He said he was busy getting ready for some major drinking event for his frat house. So I did as I told him and went to B-Dubs alone. While I was waiting for my to-go order, he texts me and asks if he can come meet me while I'm waiting for my food. I said okay. When he arrived, I already had my food. So we walked up and down the block before I got back in my car to go to the Black Box. It was only like a minute but I thought he was so cute and sweet! I remember I got in the car and I was saying, "HE IS ADORABLE!" to myself. Something I hadn't realized during this encounter, he had been drinking. This is important information for the rest of this story.
Later that night, I'm watching SNL with Dave and I receive a text message that says, "You should come here ;)" This is where I made my second mistake. I went. I show up at a frat house in the heart of UD. I tried to dance a little bit but just asked him if we could go somewhere to be alone. He took me to his apartment and we fooled around. This was the nail in the coffin.
After this, he has never wanted to see me unless he was completely drunk. He'll text me here and there but not as much as when he was shit-faced. The last time I left his apartment, I realized that we would never go on a date. He would never ask me a question about myself or even if he did, he wouldn't care about the answer. I was a just a booty call.
This is not a story about how terrible men are. I'm not a victim in this scenario. I'm the main suspect. I'm the one who murdered this relationship. Though I do believe that if he actually liked me, he would have said no, I also believe that I set this precedent. I told this guy through my actions that treating me like a piece of meat was okay. For me personally, it was not what I wanted. But alas, it happened. I made a mistake and probably lost someone I could have really liked and seemed to like me. If we would have gone on a date or something, and he still seems to only want that, then yes, I could blame him. But we didn't so I can't.
I'm taking responsibility for all of my actions, especially with men. A lot of people act like men are terrible and that they hurt us by not caring about us. But I think sometimes we open ourselves up to be hurt. If you're like me and will do anything to make men like you, then this will be a huge struggle in your life. I realized that even though I know that relationships like this are toxic, I have to fight them all of my life because of the way I am. Everyone does. It's so easy to fall into these relationships because we feel wanted. But it normally lasts for one night. Then the morning after, you walk away feeling alone and taken advantage of. But I think it is only because we aren't comfortable admitting that we did this to ourselves by not expecting more.
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
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