God Will Never Forsake You

I grew up in church. From fifth to twelfth grade I was involved in the youth group of Lake Avenue Christian Church. Every week, I would go to church on Sunday and then youth group on Sunday night. I've heard a lot of sermons. A lot. But I never really understood. I listened. I felt moved but I don't think I really internalized anything. I had many people that cared about me and tried so hard to beat these lessons into me. The Hayes/Main family specifically made an incredible impression on my faith. Though I was taught to not think this way, I thought I was a great person for going to church. I was above all of the people who drank and had sex in high school. I was a "Christian".

Today I sit here humbled by God. My whole life I have heard, "God will never forsake you." Which was already hard enough for me to understand and believe since I had been forsaken by my earthly father. It felt like God was just some distant being who watched me in my misery. I felt like he wanted my dad become the shell of a man to teach me a lesson. I was angry at this but didn't want to express it because I knew it would be received with the token, "God teaches us in strange ways." I hated this because I felt like I learned nothing. I just felt abandoned.
Let's rewind to a summer in Daytona, FL. A woman by the name of Maria finally broke down this fear of my natural response to "God's lessons". At first when she began asking me about my dad and God, I shut it down with my favorite phrase "I'm a stronger person because of it." which translates to "I don't want to talk about it." Her response changed my view of God completely. "God didn't want you to go through that." In a world where everything was God's plan, this idea sent shock waves through my whole life. I blamed God for my lack of a father figure when I should have been blaming my father for not being there. In that moment, I released all of the pent up anger for God. He didn't want me to be a wounded little person. The world did this to me, not God. In that moment, I cried what felt like 18 years worth of tears. I also realized that God is the father I need. He won't leave. Ever. He's been here longer than me and will still be there for my great great great grandchildren.

Fast forward to now. Within the last year, I have made so many mistakes. I have, as I keep mentioning, thought of suicide. The burden of the person I had become, became too much. Looking back on these moments, I realize that I forgot a major part of God. His forgiveness. I heard so often about God's mercy. As every other lesson, it went in one ear and out the other. I guess I hadn't done anything to be forgiven at that point. I realize that God doesn't care what mistakes I've made in the past year. He only cares about my future and the good things I have done on this earth. His true forgiveness has brought me out of a deep depression.

Now that I have FINALLY internalized these lessons, I am eager to learn more. My way of life with God has made me happier. Being able to rely on him, gives me great solace. Though it took me 8 years to learn it, I love the Lord and what he does for me.

Thanks for listening. Come back for more.