Classic Early 20s

My life is going really well right now ladies and gents. Not even two weeks ago, I finished a show that I loved with many of my best friends in it directed by Anne Libera. I have been booked for many shows coming up including being a semi-finalist for Chicago's Top College Comedian Competition. I was called back for three roles and was told that I was "incredibly talented" in one of them within the same week. I finally have my improv sea-legs which took months of hard work and practice. I'm turning 21 in two months and get to spend a weekend with my best friend to celebrate. Not to mention, I feel like I have surrounded myself with some of the best, most talented people I've ever met. I'm over the moon with excitement for my life right now. But, seeing as I'm an American, I have found something to spend my Tuesday night weeping over. The more successful I am, the farther I am from finding love. This is strictly a correlation but it has been booming in the back of my mind for weeks now.

I know that I'm young, I know that I've got plenty of time to find "the one", I know that I should be focused on myself right now but I can't help feeling like I'm forever alone. I look around at the beautiful, successful relationships my friends are/have been in. Is it because they are soulmates? Is it because they are lonely and coping with another person? Is it because they deserve it and I don't? What is it? Why am I so caught up on it? I have so many questions and a very small capacity to answer them.

I've slept around quite a bit and I'm not ashamed of it in the least but I'm starting to see how pointless it is for me. I'll confess this, I've never "climaxed" because of a man. I've never felt the rush of clutching at a man while you feel like you're dying and being reborn. I've never even come close. So sex isn't that enjoyable to me but it often makes relationships more complicated than they need to be. Quickly, the relationships start to become about sex and not really love. They become about lust. I noticed this when Charles and I were having a hard time holding a conversation when we weren't horizontal. Our relationship started because we liked each other but quickly became sexual which didn't allow us to really get to know each other. I feel like this is why I don't feel fulfilled. I don't have one relationship to look back on that wasn't about our sexual tension. It has never been about two humans who actually like to spend time with each other outside of the bedroom. I crave a relationship like that. A relationship based in personalities and true respect for one another.

Now that I'm realizing this, I want to try it out and see. But alas, nobody interests me enough to test this theory. Thus I feel hopeless. I feel as if my great love will never come riding in on a red line train to 95th. I feel like no one will look at me with the loving eyes I see couples on the train exchange on a daily basis. I feel like my last and greatest love will be based on my ability to suck and jerk. This distresses me and I don't know how to get it out of my head.

So I work hard during the days and cry even harder at night. I throw myself into my work hoping it'll fill me. Classic early 20s? I don't know, I haven't been through them before but I hope they aren't always like this.

Thanks for listening. Come back for more.