One month from today, I will be 21. The very first thing I'm going to do is walk into a bar and scream "BARKEEP!" immediately apologize and kindly ask them for the best craft beer in the establishment. It's always been my dream and I won't relent.
Upon realizing how quickly I'm growing up, I thought back to what life was like on my other major birthday. The big ole one eight.
I think of all the things I thought to be true and how many things I "KNEW" to be true. I then think of the amount of lessons I've learned since. When I went out into the "real world" at 18, I had no idea how painful it would be. Or how beautiful. I fell hard many times over the course of the last 3 years. From losing my virginity to someone I barely knew to the death of a friend that I abandoned months before, my face has hit the pavement many times. One time, it literally hit the pavement, and YES I MEAN LITERALLY! I can show you the pictures. It was sick. ANYWHO, here are my thoughts about my early adulthood so far.
I've had 6 jobs in 3 years. Some at the same time, some for a very short while. One job I got fired from for being a douche bag and not doing my work and the another I got fired for being too slow of a stitcher. I've worked at Target for almost the entire time I've been out of high school and I still hate every other second of it. The only jobs I loved and felt like I accomplished something at the end of the day were my sewing jobs. I worked at Sinclair Community College's Costume Shop for 2 years and I fell in love with costumes and sewing there. I also gained a mentor and friend, Kathleen Hotmer. Not only did this woman teach me how to sew, she taught me how to be a good person. She helped teach me that my actions have consequences and that my existence on this earth matters. If I had to choose one thing I'm most grateful for from my time at Sinclair, it's her presence in my life.
I've performed in 5 shows. Each one taught me something about life and theater that I never anticipated. In high school, I did the musical to stand out and be seen. Since that time, I've learned that I do it to make a difference. If I can bring light to a topic untouched in most every day conversation, I can help the world in some way. I know when it's my time to "shine" and when it's time to let someone else change the world. I've learned that I'm enough. For a long time, acting felt like this thing I did and I did well but still never felt like I could see myself on an off-broadway stage or on TV. Now I feel differently. I'm very confident in my abilities as an actor. My ability to not shy from the truth makes me interesting to watch and my personality off stage makes me easy to work with. Those are my keys to success. That is if success was a car, which it is not. It's more like a bike. A bike with a trailer of bricks attached to the back. Weird metaphor but it makes sense to me.
I've performed in a large, unknown amount of improv shows. Each one different. Each one exciting. Each one teaching me lessons with every passing second. I'm getting so much better at improv every day and it thrills me. Today, I auditioned for a troupe at the Playground Theater and I couldn't believe how well I did because I just had fun and listened. It's so simple but such a hard task. Even if I don't get in that troupe, it was such a wonderful way to spend my Saturday morning. All in all, I'm very proud of how far I've come in all aspects of my career and can't wait to see what else I have to learn.
I had 3 boyfriends in that span of time, all lasting 3 months almost exactly. Each teaching a new lesson with every goodbye. Jimmy taught me you can't force yourself to feel a certain way. John taught me that I should have much higher standards. Charles taught me that love takes time and doesn't appear when you say it. Also that screaming in the middle of a corn field in Indiana can help most problems. With every relationship and heartbreak, I've come to the conclusion that I've been wrong about relationships my entire life. This is great to realize but terrible to try to change. For a long time, I idolized men without knowing them and mistook that for love then proceeded to get upset/bored when I did get to know them and realized it wasn't love. I realized that I need to treat relationships more like friendships. I'm done looking for disposable relationships. Longevity is now my middle name. So as I date the kind of funny, cute, all black Converse wearing boys I've always imagined I would find in Chicago, I will pace myself. I've got 70 more years. No need for rushing anything especially romance. I'm content being by myself. I'm content enough not to settle for someone out of loneliness or fear. The next person I date will really be something special. I just know it. You wanna know how I know? I won't date them if they aren't.
My family has grown from 2 brothers and a mom, to 2 brothers, 2 sisters-in-law, 2 nieces and 1 mom. 5 years ago, my family barely spoke. I felt like an only child for many years because there was so much tension. When my first niece was born, we all realized how that couldn't be the case anymore. Since that beautiful baby girl was born, I'm happy to say I have a family. I know I can call them whenever I need them and vice versa. Especially with the addition of alcohol to my life, I've gotten much closer to my brothers and realized I'm not just the weird little sister they don't want around. They are starting to see me as an adult. An equal. They are very proud of me. I'm also very proud of them and can't believe how well we all turned out. Kevin is a daddy to two lovely little girls and Tyler is a husband to one of the coolest people I've had the pleasure of knowing. They have grown up to be such awesome individuals and I'm proud to call them my brothers.
My mom is a different story. She's not just a mom. She's had to be a dad and a teacher too. Luckily, I can also call her a friend. I love my mom and I'm so happy for our crazy (almost too crazy) close (almost too close) relationship. My mom is my best friend and I would never be where I am without her unconditional love and support. She's the reason I fell in love with the Second City and she's the one who always told me and I quote, "Don't you go falling in love with some boy and staying in Ohio forever." This was one of the best pieces of advice she's ever given me. My other favorite Shyrleen quote is, "Sydney, if you can't be a better actor than the people on Lifetime, give up now." I love my mom more than bacon and that's saying a lot.
IN CONCLUSION, I'M HAPPY AND NOT MUCH CAN BRING ME DOWN BECAUSE I'VE CHOSEN TO BE THIS WAY. Life may change but I will welcome the changes with wide arms and a box of chocolates because it's all about the ride. Insert other cliche optimistic quote here.
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
Saturday, March 21, 2015
Friday, March 13, 2015
Insert Pinterest Quote Here
Happy Friday the 13th and welcome to another episode of "Sydney's Seemingly Obvious Life Realizations!"
Something has happened ladies and gentlemen. Something shocking. Something unforeseen. Something that will knock your socks off.
....Sydney.....likes.....a......boy!
YEP! I'm crushing on a boy of the Aryan race with 6% body fat and a pension for teasing. I've "hung out" with this boy many times within the last 2 weeks and one of those times could be considered a date by societal standards. It's been really nice having someone to text on the daily and invite to random shows when I want. It's been really nice but I can feel myself starting to rush. I can feel myself wanting more from it than 2 weeks of "hanging out" should allot. I find myself spending my quiet moments dreaming of walks on the beach and choosing carpet samples together. This is normal for me. I always imagine a future with every person I've ever been interested in before I have any idea who they really are. This always gets me in trouble. I emotionally commit to them before they can even ask me on the second date.
This is a problem. A very big problem especially with this boy. He is in no rush. We've only kissed and hung out outside of each other's apartments. That seems pretty normal for anyone else but me. I feel myself being disappointed when he doesn't ask me to come up to his room. I assumed it means he doesn't like me/want me. When I realized this thought was making me miserable, I took a step back. What do I think is going to happen if I go to his apartment? Will we make out? Will we have sex? Will we fall in love? I have this idea that in relationships there is an end point. I can't exactly explain what that feels like but I'm always in a rush to get there. Maybe it's the idea that if I do this, I'll be happy. Actually, there is no 'maybe' involved. I definitely have the feeling that if this "works out," I'll be happy. As if happy is a destination. According to many aphorisms I've read on Pinterest at 2am, happiness is not a destination, it is a journey. I'm very happy with my life right now because I chose to be. I chose to see the blessings in my life rather than the curses. That is one of the main revelations I've shared on this blog. The choice to be happy.
Unfortunately, that lesson still needs some learning in my love life. For a long time, I used moving to Chicago as an excuse for an end to my relationships and I loved it. There was a clear ending. Good. But now I live here. There are no more excuses. I'm staying for a really long time and there is no hurry for anything. Especially relationships. Don't we all just really want a lasting relationship? Well, I'm finally in the place I told myself I could have one and my brain is still thinking I'm in Ohio. I think this is part of the reason I just had sex with so many people; I believed it was my end point. But, again, the problem with that is somewhere in my short adulthood, "I want to get to know him better" became "I'm going to have sex with him to get to know him better." Which would have been the case with this boy if it weren't for this young gentleman. I've invited him up to my room but he has declined. I couldn't be more thankful. I can't imagine what it would have been like to have had sex with him that first night then never spoken with him again. Within these two weeks, I've learned that he is not just an incredibly good looking actor, but he also writes, sketches, sings, and is an excellent story teller. There's no way I could have learned all that from sucking his dick. Though the idea of his body makes me salivate, I'm happier to be getting to know HIM. I'm happy to have a friend even if romance doesn't work out.
"What the heck is the moral, Sydney?" Well pushy internet readers, I've learned that rushing relationships and over committing causes problems so I'm trying really hard not to do that. I'm going to enjoy this little bit of bliss while it lasts. End of story.
P.S. Did I mention he likes Taylor Swift?
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
(As of March st, this boy became an afterthought to someone better, so don't worry about it.)
Something has happened ladies and gentlemen. Something shocking. Something unforeseen. Something that will knock your socks off.
....Sydney.....likes.....a......boy!
YEP! I'm crushing on a boy of the Aryan race with 6% body fat and a pension for teasing. I've "hung out" with this boy many times within the last 2 weeks and one of those times could be considered a date by societal standards. It's been really nice having someone to text on the daily and invite to random shows when I want. It's been really nice but I can feel myself starting to rush. I can feel myself wanting more from it than 2 weeks of "hanging out" should allot. I find myself spending my quiet moments dreaming of walks on the beach and choosing carpet samples together. This is normal for me. I always imagine a future with every person I've ever been interested in before I have any idea who they really are. This always gets me in trouble. I emotionally commit to them before they can even ask me on the second date.
This is a problem. A very big problem especially with this boy. He is in no rush. We've only kissed and hung out outside of each other's apartments. That seems pretty normal for anyone else but me. I feel myself being disappointed when he doesn't ask me to come up to his room. I assumed it means he doesn't like me/want me. When I realized this thought was making me miserable, I took a step back. What do I think is going to happen if I go to his apartment? Will we make out? Will we have sex? Will we fall in love? I have this idea that in relationships there is an end point. I can't exactly explain what that feels like but I'm always in a rush to get there. Maybe it's the idea that if I do this, I'll be happy. Actually, there is no 'maybe' involved. I definitely have the feeling that if this "works out," I'll be happy. As if happy is a destination. According to many aphorisms I've read on Pinterest at 2am, happiness is not a destination, it is a journey. I'm very happy with my life right now because I chose to be. I chose to see the blessings in my life rather than the curses. That is one of the main revelations I've shared on this blog. The choice to be happy.
Unfortunately, that lesson still needs some learning in my love life. For a long time, I used moving to Chicago as an excuse for an end to my relationships and I loved it. There was a clear ending. Good. But now I live here. There are no more excuses. I'm staying for a really long time and there is no hurry for anything. Especially relationships. Don't we all just really want a lasting relationship? Well, I'm finally in the place I told myself I could have one and my brain is still thinking I'm in Ohio. I think this is part of the reason I just had sex with so many people; I believed it was my end point. But, again, the problem with that is somewhere in my short adulthood, "I want to get to know him better" became "I'm going to have sex with him to get to know him better." Which would have been the case with this boy if it weren't for this young gentleman. I've invited him up to my room but he has declined. I couldn't be more thankful. I can't imagine what it would have been like to have had sex with him that first night then never spoken with him again. Within these two weeks, I've learned that he is not just an incredibly good looking actor, but he also writes, sketches, sings, and is an excellent story teller. There's no way I could have learned all that from sucking his dick. Though the idea of his body makes me salivate, I'm happier to be getting to know HIM. I'm happy to have a friend even if romance doesn't work out.
"What the heck is the moral, Sydney?" Well pushy internet readers, I've learned that rushing relationships and over committing causes problems so I'm trying really hard not to do that. I'm going to enjoy this little bit of bliss while it lasts. End of story.
P.S. Did I mention he likes Taylor Swift?
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
(As of March st, this boy became an afterthought to someone better, so don't worry about it.)
Sunday, March 8, 2015
3 Months
Dear Dave,
Hey there! It's been a bit since I've written you a letter. You used to tell me you wouldn't read them unless you could proof read them, but you did it anyway. That was kind of your style.
Welp, it's been 3 months and I can honestly say I've been okay. After about two months of tears and pain, I finally realized how to deal with this; Do good work.
I'm happy to say I'm getting much better at improv. I can't believe how much I've grown over the last couple of months! It reminds me of how much I loved to improvise with you. I try to remember you when I'm on stage. Remember how honest and quick witted you were. I try to have no inhibitions like you. It's actually working. I'm proud of me and I know you would be too.
Remember how you were always all over me for being lazy and unreliable? You were right. I was awful back then but thanks to your kindness and guidance, I'm better now. I don't skip rehearsal or shows anymore. I don't cancel on friends unless I really have to. Thanks to you, I value my time with people more. Missing you reminds me that there are people in this world it would hurt to lose and I don't want to waste a single second. Our time on this earth is so freaking finite. Tomorrow, I could get hit by a car walking on Wabash and die on impact. You never know. If that happens, I want people to know that I loved them and that they changed my life for the better. I've now seen and experienced the affects of death on people and I want to give them something to hold onto like I craved when you died.
I wish I could have told you that one more time but I'm going to try to stop saying things like that to you. Though it's true, it's not good for me. It makes me miss you too much.
Hey! You wanna hear something that you would absolutely roll your eyes at?! The song that resonates with me the most about losing you is a Taylor Swift song. HA. You would be freaking laying into me about that. It's called "I Wish You Would" and it's about a break up type scenario. We kind of broke up. It felt like it often. The chorus goes like this:
"I wish you would come back, wish I'd never hung up the phone like I did, I wish you knew that I'll never forget you as long as I live and I wish you were right here, right now, it's all good, I wish you would...I wish we could go back and remember what we were fighting for and I wish you knew that, I miss you too much to be mad anymore and I wish you were right here, right now, it's all good, I wish you would."
Isn't that just perfect?! It was the song I put on repeat when getting ready for your funeral. Before I put on my make up of course! I'm not a madman!
I'm really excited to come home over Spring Break, partly because I can come and see you in WARM WEATHER! I'm sorry, not you, your plaque and a pile of dirt. It's gonna be a weird day when it's not a little piece of paper with your name on it but a large piece of stone. I'm looking forward to some alone time with you again. Maybe I'll bring some Whiskey and we can have ourselves a little party. Ha.
Welp. I don't have anything else to say and I have class pretty early in the morning so I'm gonna conclude this blog by saying that I love you and miss you forever.
Sincerely,
Your #2
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
Hey there! It's been a bit since I've written you a letter. You used to tell me you wouldn't read them unless you could proof read them, but you did it anyway. That was kind of your style.
Welp, it's been 3 months and I can honestly say I've been okay. After about two months of tears and pain, I finally realized how to deal with this; Do good work.
I'm happy to say I'm getting much better at improv. I can't believe how much I've grown over the last couple of months! It reminds me of how much I loved to improvise with you. I try to remember you when I'm on stage. Remember how honest and quick witted you were. I try to have no inhibitions like you. It's actually working. I'm proud of me and I know you would be too.
Remember how you were always all over me for being lazy and unreliable? You were right. I was awful back then but thanks to your kindness and guidance, I'm better now. I don't skip rehearsal or shows anymore. I don't cancel on friends unless I really have to. Thanks to you, I value my time with people more. Missing you reminds me that there are people in this world it would hurt to lose and I don't want to waste a single second. Our time on this earth is so freaking finite. Tomorrow, I could get hit by a car walking on Wabash and die on impact. You never know. If that happens, I want people to know that I loved them and that they changed my life for the better. I've now seen and experienced the affects of death on people and I want to give them something to hold onto like I craved when you died.
I wish I could have told you that one more time but I'm going to try to stop saying things like that to you. Though it's true, it's not good for me. It makes me miss you too much.
Hey! You wanna hear something that you would absolutely roll your eyes at?! The song that resonates with me the most about losing you is a Taylor Swift song. HA. You would be freaking laying into me about that. It's called "I Wish You Would" and it's about a break up type scenario. We kind of broke up. It felt like it often. The chorus goes like this:
"I wish you would come back, wish I'd never hung up the phone like I did, I wish you knew that I'll never forget you as long as I live and I wish you were right here, right now, it's all good, I wish you would...I wish we could go back and remember what we were fighting for and I wish you knew that, I miss you too much to be mad anymore and I wish you were right here, right now, it's all good, I wish you would."
Isn't that just perfect?! It was the song I put on repeat when getting ready for your funeral. Before I put on my make up of course! I'm not a madman!
I'm really excited to come home over Spring Break, partly because I can come and see you in WARM WEATHER! I'm sorry, not you, your plaque and a pile of dirt. It's gonna be a weird day when it's not a little piece of paper with your name on it but a large piece of stone. I'm looking forward to some alone time with you again. Maybe I'll bring some Whiskey and we can have ourselves a little party. Ha.
Welp. I don't have anything else to say and I have class pretty early in the morning so I'm gonna conclude this blog by saying that I love you and miss you forever.
Sincerely,
Your #2
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
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