I HAVE SOME VERY EXCITING NEWS, WORLD!!! ARE YOU READY?!
I have, for the second summer in a row, found myself in a long distance relationship (or whatever)! Isn't that ever so exciting readers?! I'm very excited about this new commitment to always get feelings for the physically unattainable. I think it's the exact thing I need to never be sane again!
But seriously. The boy I've been talking about on here is now 443 miles away (no I didn't googlemaps that exact number; leave me alone) and will not be returning AT ALL until August. Upon hearing this for the first time, I was rather upset. Even though we weren't even slightly a thing when he told me, I realized that if this became a "thing" I would, yet again, have to deal with the nasty beast of distance. Luckily, I'm no stranger to LDR's (as they call them on Pinterest).
Last summer, I was in a relationship with the infamous Charles. Actually, we went on our first date a year ago yesterday so the timing of my whining is perfect. Charles lived in Columbus while I lived in Dayton. That is about an hour and a half drive if you're speeding. This doesn't seem like a huge distance to most but for two poor college kids, it was difficult. We saw each other MAYBE once a week but often would go two weeks or so without seeing each other. Twas difficult for us.
Being the terribly insecure person I was before I moved to Chicago, I was always terrified he'd fall out of love with me. The distance made me unable to get the constant reassurance I needed at the time. I would sit around and try to think of ways to keep myself on his mind. I called often, texted often, and even sent him a letter hoping to start a mail based dialogue. That letter became a major point of contention in our relationship because he never replied. But that is a separate issue I may bring up in the future (hopefully not). The point of mentioning all of that is that I became obsessed with the idea of proof that he existed. At that point in time, I was also months away from moving to Chicago and knew we were going to break up the minute I started the car. So this obsession with proof was fueled by our inevitable doom. This made me live in a constant state of sadness and dread. Knowing that I would only have him for so long made it hard to enjoy the time I had with him. At a time when I should have been enjoying myself and the people around me, I was worried about whether a boy was thinking about me and missing me as much as I was missing him. This was so foolish and fills me with regret. Not only is that a bad way to go about a relationship it also affected the relationship in a serious way. When you think about something too much, you start to over think and put more meaning into everything. What I mean by that can only be explained by telling you that by the end of the summer, I basically told him he was the greatest love of my life and that I wanted to marry him. We had only known each other for 3 months. Over thinking caused me to idolize this man into my soulmate when he should have been put in my book as just a guy I loved. I'm still embarrassed by that to this day.
My current long distance relationship (or whatever) is under significantly different circumstances. We started seeing each other (whatever that means) a couple of months before distance became an issue, at the end of the summer we will live in the same city, and I'm no longer searching for the same reassurance. The great part about a second time, is that you learn from the first. I know exactly where this relationship (or whatever) stands, I know he misses me too, and I know that I get to choose what upsets me. All of those things combined will make this summer significantly easier. I won't spend the next three months dreaming of his return. I may spend a couple of minutes...let's be honest, hours but I won't spend the bulk of my time thinking about it. I will spend time with my friends, focus on work, write some good comedy, and do a little traveling to the state of New Jersey (Jordan Lee Cohen).
Conclusion paragraph: I'm gonna be happy even though the boy that makes me the happiest is miles away. The end. (Check back in a month when I'm crying about it again)
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
Thursday, May 21, 2015
Saturday, May 16, 2015
Chicago Changed Me.
On August 26th 2014 (when I moved to Chicago), May 16th 2015 and a woman president felt equally as far away. On this day, Hilary is running and I'm sitting in an apartment I call mine, feeling that Chicago breeze on my bare freckled arms. On this day, I have finished my first year of school here with a 3.5 GPA and my first set of comedy classes under my belt. On this day, even when the loud ass train awoke me from my deep slumber, I awoke with a (slightly dumb) smile on my face.
Ladies and homosexual males, I fucking did it. Though I can never forget about the tremendous amount of debt this put me in, I fucking live in Chicago and made a happy life for myself here. With the safety net of on-campus housing, a meal plan and the support of my beautiful wonderful mama, I was able to completely focus on my art (yeah, I hate me too for calling it that), making lasting friends (see: I'm normal again), and bettering myself (nope, I'm gross).
Chicago changed me.
Existing in this city made me realize one very important thing; I don't want to JUST exist.
When I began feeling overwhelmed with the volume of human lives around me at any given moment, I started to realize that so many of those people are just alive to pay bills until they die. They aren't creating anything or leaving any positive impact on the world they are lucky enough to be a part of. This is my biggest fear. The meaning of life is unknowable. People have searched for it for centuries and came up empty handed. I know that. Some people think because of that life is pointless. Why should I try when I'm just going to die anyway? I thought for a very long time. Well, I see it the opposite way now. If I'm only going to be on this earth for 80 years, I better make them count. I want to leave something good on this doomed planet. Though I'm not exactly sure what that is yet, I still seek it. Whether it's a large filmography that is guaranteed to make generations laugh and cry, or a couple of human beings who believe the same thing and actually do something about it, I will be happy with the way my life turns out as long as it helps. I know I've done so much damage to the world as it is by not sorting my recycling properly. Hopefully, it will even out.
Another HUGE lesson I've learned here in this beautiful city, is that everything in life is a choice. Whenever I feel like complaining about how much homework I have or how much I don't want to go to a rehearsal, I stop and remind myself that I chose this. If I really think these things are ridiculous and pointless, I should drop out and go be a cashier in Ohio until I die. I could have done that instead. But I didn't. I applied to Columbia to work hard and get better. Most of the time, to get better you have to do a lot of crap you don't want to do. Not every assignment is going to be easy or fun, even in comedy school, most aren't, but there is something to be learned after the hard work is done. This applies to life in general as well. It will not always be easy, most of the time it won't. But I'm choosing to be on this earth. I could've made another choice many times but I didn't so I need to take the highs and the lows and know that each shall pass in their own time. My job is to decide who to deal with both. Today, I decide I'll be happy either way.
I know my mom is going to roll her eyes at this next section. "Sydney, I think you should leave your relationships with men out of your blog." Sorry mom, it ain't gonna happen. I did actually learn a very simple but impossible lesson about relationships, both platonic and romantic. Are you ready? If it doesn't make your life easier or more fun, you don't need it. Life is hard enough without negative ass people around you. I've been incredibly busy this entire semester. I've been so busy that when I finally got time to relax it felt foreign. I began to finally value time with people who I can truly relax with. My best friends are the ones I don't have to put on an act for, the ones I can be quiet and boring with. Don't get me wrong, I'll bit all over these friends when the time is right but there is also a time for watching movies and eating a block of cheese with someone who has watched you vomit while you were dressed as a formal apology (hilarious costume right?). There is no better way to spend a Thursday night. Bonding I mean; bonding is the best way to spend a Thursday night! Vomiting is not recommended.
On the romantic side, I've realized that if I feel like I'm wasting time with a boy, I am wasting my time. If I don't feel refreshed or, dare I say, happy upon leaving our encounter, I should probably stop encountering him. The boy I'm with (or whatever) right now feels like an old friend. We do bits, smash bits, and talk more than a little bit. I'd be comfortable doing just about anything with him. That is the kind of person I want to be with. Basically a friend who likes to touch my butt. It's really that simple and no one should settle for anything else. Because it's seriously wonderful.
All in all, my first year at Columbia was exactly as wonderful, life-changing, and tear ridden as I thought it would be. I'm a better person today than I was August 26th and that's really all I can ask for. Now I get to experience a summer in the city. I've been told the summers make the winters absolutely worth it. I hope so because this 21 year old body is READY for crop top season. My body is not ready, on the other hand, for the amount of pale ales I'm going to digest within the coming months. But hey, my body will only tolerate crop tops AND heavy drinking for so long so WHY NOT?!?!
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
Ladies and homosexual males, I fucking did it. Though I can never forget about the tremendous amount of debt this put me in, I fucking live in Chicago and made a happy life for myself here. With the safety net of on-campus housing, a meal plan and the support of my beautiful wonderful mama, I was able to completely focus on my art (yeah, I hate me too for calling it that), making lasting friends (see: I'm normal again), and bettering myself (nope, I'm gross).
Chicago changed me.
Existing in this city made me realize one very important thing; I don't want to JUST exist.
When I began feeling overwhelmed with the volume of human lives around me at any given moment, I started to realize that so many of those people are just alive to pay bills until they die. They aren't creating anything or leaving any positive impact on the world they are lucky enough to be a part of. This is my biggest fear. The meaning of life is unknowable. People have searched for it for centuries and came up empty handed. I know that. Some people think because of that life is pointless. Why should I try when I'm just going to die anyway? I thought for a very long time. Well, I see it the opposite way now. If I'm only going to be on this earth for 80 years, I better make them count. I want to leave something good on this doomed planet. Though I'm not exactly sure what that is yet, I still seek it. Whether it's a large filmography that is guaranteed to make generations laugh and cry, or a couple of human beings who believe the same thing and actually do something about it, I will be happy with the way my life turns out as long as it helps. I know I've done so much damage to the world as it is by not sorting my recycling properly. Hopefully, it will even out.
Another HUGE lesson I've learned here in this beautiful city, is that everything in life is a choice. Whenever I feel like complaining about how much homework I have or how much I don't want to go to a rehearsal, I stop and remind myself that I chose this. If I really think these things are ridiculous and pointless, I should drop out and go be a cashier in Ohio until I die. I could have done that instead. But I didn't. I applied to Columbia to work hard and get better. Most of the time, to get better you have to do a lot of crap you don't want to do. Not every assignment is going to be easy or fun, even in comedy school, most aren't, but there is something to be learned after the hard work is done. This applies to life in general as well. It will not always be easy, most of the time it won't. But I'm choosing to be on this earth. I could've made another choice many times but I didn't so I need to take the highs and the lows and know that each shall pass in their own time. My job is to decide who to deal with both. Today, I decide I'll be happy either way.
I know my mom is going to roll her eyes at this next section. "Sydney, I think you should leave your relationships with men out of your blog." Sorry mom, it ain't gonna happen. I did actually learn a very simple but impossible lesson about relationships, both platonic and romantic. Are you ready? If it doesn't make your life easier or more fun, you don't need it. Life is hard enough without negative ass people around you. I've been incredibly busy this entire semester. I've been so busy that when I finally got time to relax it felt foreign. I began to finally value time with people who I can truly relax with. My best friends are the ones I don't have to put on an act for, the ones I can be quiet and boring with. Don't get me wrong, I'll bit all over these friends when the time is right but there is also a time for watching movies and eating a block of cheese with someone who has watched you vomit while you were dressed as a formal apology (hilarious costume right?). There is no better way to spend a Thursday night. Bonding I mean; bonding is the best way to spend a Thursday night! Vomiting is not recommended.
On the romantic side, I've realized that if I feel like I'm wasting time with a boy, I am wasting my time. If I don't feel refreshed or, dare I say, happy upon leaving our encounter, I should probably stop encountering him. The boy I'm with (or whatever) right now feels like an old friend. We do bits, smash bits, and talk more than a little bit. I'd be comfortable doing just about anything with him. That is the kind of person I want to be with. Basically a friend who likes to touch my butt. It's really that simple and no one should settle for anything else. Because it's seriously wonderful.
All in all, my first year at Columbia was exactly as wonderful, life-changing, and tear ridden as I thought it would be. I'm a better person today than I was August 26th and that's really all I can ask for. Now I get to experience a summer in the city. I've been told the summers make the winters absolutely worth it. I hope so because this 21 year old body is READY for crop top season. My body is not ready, on the other hand, for the amount of pale ales I'm going to digest within the coming months. But hey, my body will only tolerate crop tops AND heavy drinking for so long so WHY NOT?!?!
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
Thursday, May 7, 2015
Wink Wink Nudge Nudge
For those of you who don't know, I'm "talking" to a boy. As much as I would like to remain mysterious about who this boy is, there are some pretty adorable pictures of us from his birthday party on my Facebook. Check them out. They're so cute, I almost vomitted.
I know some of you, based on my past entries about boys, are expecting me to say phrases such as "I can't believe he wants to be with a girl like me," "he's changing my life," and/or "I can't imagine life without him." I have a feeling you may be expecting me to say, even after a month of "talking," that I love him.
If I said any of those things, I'd be lying.
Now don't get me wrong, I really like this boy. Holy crap, do I. I wake up in his bed at least three times a week! When I'm with him, it's like I'm with a good friend that I've known for many years. He makes me laugh and I constantly want to kiss him. Constantly. It's kind of ridiculous how much I want to kiss that beautiful, stubbly face of his. Sometimes, I "salivate" just thinking about him (if you know what I mean; wink wink nudge nudge). So yeah. I like him.
I like him but I'm not as madly in love with him as I was with my past boyfriends. I've said "I love you" to the last 3 boyfriends I've had within the first month. I was lying. I wasn't lying when I said it but I later came to realize I didn't mean it. I used to look at love as one of many stepping stones in a relationship. With each stepping stone, I thought I'd be happier and more fulfilled, not only in the relationship but as a person.
Step one: He likes me.
Step two: He kisses me.
Step three: We make out.
Step four: We have sex.
Step five: He asks me to be his girlfriend.
Step six: I say I love you.
Step seven: He says it back.
Step eight: He meets my family.
And so on...
That's how I thought relationships were supposed to go. Oh man was I wrong. I would say love too early because it was next on the list. Sadly, the list didn't include one important factor. Every time I said, "I love you," I might as well have been saying "I want you to love me." With every passing relationship, I see that I was just trying to fill a void. I've been in relationships that I knew would never last with because I didn't think I could find anyone else. I "needed" a person. I can honestly say, that is no longer the case. If he decided to stop talking to me tomorrow, I'm not gonna lie, I'd have a good long cry. I'd call Jordan and Glo, we'd watch Wet Hot American Summer and eat fried chicken until my tears turn into laughter. It will hurt like a bitch but I will survive. I love myself enough to know that having him in my life is a choice, not a necessity.
Not being madly in love with him right away has nothing to do with him as a person. It's not that the others were better or our "love" was more passionate. He isn't even different (he is much cooler but still a cute, funny boy). I'm different now. As I've been spending more and more time with this boy, I do feel the urge to call this love. I'll be watching him running around his room getting ready for the day, singing the objects he needs to put in his bookbag and I'll think, "Man, I love him." In that moment, I stop myself and realize this is just infatuation. Then I enjoy the moment rather than analyzing it as love. BECAUSE SERIOUSLY, he is so cute when he riffs the word "wallet."
My big moral for today is not mistaking love with infatuation, I guess. Also not letting this big scary monster called "love" get in the way of things too soon. If you find yourself liking someone and feeling those butterflies, try to take a step back and separate those two deceivingly similar feelings. It has helped this "relationship" immensely.
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
I know some of you, based on my past entries about boys, are expecting me to say phrases such as "I can't believe he wants to be with a girl like me," "he's changing my life," and/or "I can't imagine life without him." I have a feeling you may be expecting me to say, even after a month of "talking," that I love him.
If I said any of those things, I'd be lying.
Now don't get me wrong, I really like this boy. Holy crap, do I. I wake up in his bed at least three times a week! When I'm with him, it's like I'm with a good friend that I've known for many years. He makes me laugh and I constantly want to kiss him. Constantly. It's kind of ridiculous how much I want to kiss that beautiful, stubbly face of his. Sometimes, I "salivate" just thinking about him (if you know what I mean; wink wink nudge nudge). So yeah. I like him.
I like him but I'm not as madly in love with him as I was with my past boyfriends. I've said "I love you" to the last 3 boyfriends I've had within the first month. I was lying. I wasn't lying when I said it but I later came to realize I didn't mean it. I used to look at love as one of many stepping stones in a relationship. With each stepping stone, I thought I'd be happier and more fulfilled, not only in the relationship but as a person.
Step one: He likes me.
Step two: He kisses me.
Step three: We make out.
Step four: We have sex.
Step five: He asks me to be his girlfriend.
Step six: I say I love you.
Step seven: He says it back.
Step eight: He meets my family.
And so on...
That's how I thought relationships were supposed to go. Oh man was I wrong. I would say love too early because it was next on the list. Sadly, the list didn't include one important factor. Every time I said, "I love you," I might as well have been saying "I want you to love me." With every passing relationship, I see that I was just trying to fill a void. I've been in relationships that I knew would never last with because I didn't think I could find anyone else. I "needed" a person. I can honestly say, that is no longer the case. If he decided to stop talking to me tomorrow, I'm not gonna lie, I'd have a good long cry. I'd call Jordan and Glo, we'd watch Wet Hot American Summer and eat fried chicken until my tears turn into laughter. It will hurt like a bitch but I will survive. I love myself enough to know that having him in my life is a choice, not a necessity.
Not being madly in love with him right away has nothing to do with him as a person. It's not that the others were better or our "love" was more passionate. He isn't even different (he is much cooler but still a cute, funny boy). I'm different now. As I've been spending more and more time with this boy, I do feel the urge to call this love. I'll be watching him running around his room getting ready for the day, singing the objects he needs to put in his bookbag and I'll think, "Man, I love him." In that moment, I stop myself and realize this is just infatuation. Then I enjoy the moment rather than analyzing it as love. BECAUSE SERIOUSLY, he is so cute when he riffs the word "wallet."
My big moral for today is not mistaking love with infatuation, I guess. Also not letting this big scary monster called "love" get in the way of things too soon. If you find yourself liking someone and feeling those butterflies, try to take a step back and separate those two deceivingly similar feelings. It has helped this "relationship" immensely.
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
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