Wink Wink Nudge Nudge

For those of you who don't know, I'm "talking" to a boy. As much as I would like to remain mysterious about who this boy is, there are some pretty adorable pictures of us from his birthday party on my Facebook. Check them out. They're so cute, I almost vomitted.
I know some of you, based on my past entries about boys, are expecting me to say phrases such as "I can't believe he wants to be with a girl like me," "he's changing my life," and/or "I can't imagine life without him." I have a feeling you may be expecting me to say, even after a month of "talking," that I love him. 

If I said any of those things, I'd be lying.

Now don't get me wrong, I really like this boy. Holy crap, do I. I wake up in his bed at least three times a week! When I'm with him, it's like I'm with a good friend that I've known for many years. He makes me laugh and I constantly want to kiss him. Constantly. It's kind of ridiculous how much I want to kiss that beautiful, stubbly face of his. Sometimes, I "salivate" just thinking about him (if you know what I mean; wink wink nudge nudge). So yeah. I like him.

I like him but I'm not as madly in love with him as I was with my past boyfriends. I've said "I love you" to the last 3 boyfriends I've had within the first month. I was lying. I wasn't lying when I said it but I later came to realize I didn't mean it. I used to look at love as one of many stepping stones in a relationship. With each stepping stone, I thought I'd be happier and more fulfilled, not only in the relationship but as a person. 

Step one: He likes me.
Step two: He kisses me.
Step three: We make out.
Step four: We have sex.
Step five: He asks me to be his girlfriend.
Step six: I say I love you.
Step seven: He says it back.
Step eight: He meets my family.
And so on...

That's how I thought relationships were supposed to go. Oh man was I wrong. I would say love too early because it was next on the list. Sadly, the list didn't include one important factor. Every time I said, "I love you," I might as well have been saying "I want you to love me." With every passing relationship, I see that I was just trying to fill a void. I've been in relationships that I knew would never last with because I didn't think I could find anyone else. I "needed" a person. I can honestly say, that is no longer the case. If he decided to stop talking to me tomorrow, I'm not gonna lie, I'd have a good long cry. I'd call Jordan and Glo, we'd watch Wet Hot American Summer and eat fried chicken until my tears turn into laughter. It will hurt like a bitch but I will survive. I love myself enough to know that having him in my life is a choice, not a necessity.

Not being madly in love with him right away has nothing to do with him as a person. It's not that the others were better or our "love" was more passionate. He isn't even different (he is much cooler but still a cute, funny boy). I'm different now. As I've been spending more and more time with this boy, I do feel the urge to call this love. I'll be watching him running around his room getting ready for the day, singing the objects he needs to put in his bookbag and I'll think, "Man, I love him." In that moment, I stop myself and realize this is just infatuation. Then I enjoy the moment rather than analyzing it as love. BECAUSE SERIOUSLY, he is so cute when he riffs the word "wallet."

My big moral for today is not mistaking love with infatuation, I guess. Also not letting this big scary monster called "love" get in the way of things too soon. If you find yourself liking someone and feeling those butterflies, try to take a step back and separate those two deceivingly similar feelings. It has helped this "relationship" immensely.

Thanks for listening. Come back for more.