***2 hours ago, I was on a Megabus listening to melancholy songs while staring at the Chicago skyline. Returning from Ohio, I was ready to be back to my chosen place of residence. The place I knew would be MY PLACE from the moment I stepped foot in it 8 years ago. I still feel incredibly lucky to live here but going back to Ohio brought all kinds of new feelings of gratitude and belonging.
With this visit now over, I can say that I have learned two things.
1) Dayton, OH feels more like my home than the cornfields of New Carlisle, OH in which I actually grew up.
New Carlisle is where I rode my bike to see my friends, had my first kiss, and felt my first real heartbreak. It's where my mother chose to raise me and my brothers and where she put her blood, sweat and tears into being a mother and a remarkable teacher. It's where I learned to act and sing. It's where I found my faith in God. It's where I met women who will be in my life forever and will always feel the most my self around.
Dayton is where I drove my car to see my friends, lost my virginity, and dealt with multiple small heartbreaks. It's where my costume teacher took the reigns from my mother and ushered me, somehow kindly and forcefully, into a self actualizing adulthood. It's where I began my stand up and improv career. It's where I lost my faith in God. It's where I learned to sew. It's where I met another life long friend with my same name.
Both of these places made me the woman that I am. But in one of them, I actually FELT like a woman. Dayton is truly where I "grew up". Not where I spent my childhood or turned 18. I GREW UP. I made many adult mistakes while still acting like a child. I woke up from my small town stupor and realized I don't want to be immature my whole life. I feel thankful.
2) My home will always the people I love, not the town I'm in.
Chicago has felt incredibly lonely at times. I'd say about 70% of my time here I have been alone. I don't mean alone as in physically. I have been surrounded by people on train, at a bar, at work while still feeling like I'm not with anyone but myself. That may sound sad. It's truly not. It's the way I prefer to be. Publicly alone. I get to think and plan and write in my head while simultaneously watching people do the same. It's something that has always made me feel very comfortable.
Ohio is so different. It's a place where you can very easily be physically alone all the time. You drive to work alone, you can live in a house alone, you can take a walk almost completely alone. It comforts a lot of my friends but wigs me the fuck out. If I ever get kidnapped and murdered, I guarantee it will be in Ohio.
Besides my distain for small town living, I found that connection with the people you do see can be so much stronger. My affection is still intact with my dearest and oldest friends. The main example from this last trip was when I got the pleasure of going to meet my best friend from high school's new baby girl, Scarlet. I went with my closest high school girlfriends and I'm telling you, I could have stayed with them forever. The laughter was loud and robust and it filled Alison's little car. The house was full of loving looks, discussion of weddings, further education and sharing of important information. I remembered why I spent so much time with these women when we were young. How they fill my heart with so much excitement for life. Part of me wanted to move back just to be close to them again. But then I remembered myself, "You hate this place and you will get snatched in a cornfield if you move back." So I hugged them all and said a silent prayer that maybe they'll take a trip up North to my new home.
When I moved away, something in my heart knew I couldn't stay in Ohio. I couldn't live my best life and grow as a person there. But something I never anticipated was how thankful I would be to go back. So elated to visit and remember where I came from, where my winding road began. The people that changed me. The people whose hearts fill mine so easily. I never knew I'd look back so fondly at the times I spent there while I also see the same people in my future.
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
Ohio is so different. It's a place where you can very easily be physically alone all the time. You drive to work alone, you can live in a house alone, you can take a walk almost completely alone. It comforts a lot of my friends but wigs me the fuck out. If I ever get kidnapped and murdered, I guarantee it will be in Ohio.
Besides my distain for small town living, I found that connection with the people you do see can be so much stronger. My affection is still intact with my dearest and oldest friends. The main example from this last trip was when I got the pleasure of going to meet my best friend from high school's new baby girl, Scarlet. I went with my closest high school girlfriends and I'm telling you, I could have stayed with them forever. The laughter was loud and robust and it filled Alison's little car. The house was full of loving looks, discussion of weddings, further education and sharing of important information. I remembered why I spent so much time with these women when we were young. How they fill my heart with so much excitement for life. Part of me wanted to move back just to be close to them again. But then I remembered myself, "You hate this place and you will get snatched in a cornfield if you move back." So I hugged them all and said a silent prayer that maybe they'll take a trip up North to my new home.
When I moved away, something in my heart knew I couldn't stay in Ohio. I couldn't live my best life and grow as a person there. But something I never anticipated was how thankful I would be to go back. So elated to visit and remember where I came from, where my winding road began. The people that changed me. The people whose hearts fill mine so easily. I never knew I'd look back so fondly at the times I spent there while I also see the same people in my future.
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
No comments:
Post a Comment