Dear 18 year old me,

Dear 18 year old me,

What's Up? Ha. Well I already know what's up. I lived through it. So yes, you will live through this. You're sexually active now. Cool! Congrats. I guess. It's such a huge thing for you right now. It's changing your idea of who you are every second since it started. You now think, "If I'm not going to be virgin until marriage, I must lean into being a whore." These are evil thoughts and will lead you to make some horrible decisions. These thought will also lead you to believe that the way men treat you during sex is justified and just the way sex works. You've been taught in church so many wonderful things but the one down fall, as you are coming to realize, is how a healthy sexual relationship feels. You've been taught over and over about the consequences of having sex before marriage. That's really all you've been taught. So your brain has resigned to thinking that because you're having sex, all the bad parts are supposed to be happening.

Remember the first time when you were bleeding down your leg? Remember when you pushed on his shoulder and he didn't stop? Remember when you thought, "He doesn't care if I'm uncomfortable. This is what sex is." Well, just so you know in the coming years, the fear in that story will fade from you entirely. You will tell that story as one of your best stand up routines. It will become your coping mechanism. It has a very good punchline. Probably a hundred of people over 5 years will laugh at your red handed joke. You will laugh at the red handed joke. The man in the red handed joke will tell you he remembers what kind of burrito he had in his coat pocket that night but because he was so drunk, he can't remember your naked body up against the shower faucet bleeding, cold and on the verge of tears. He will become a dear friend. I still hold him as a dear friend despite all of this.

Then one day, 5 years later, sexual assault will become a daily topic. You will post a "Me too" status (you'll understand in 2017/Harvey Weinstein is a sexual predator and so is our president but I'm not going to ruin the fun surprise of who that is). You will regret that because you feel like you haven't really been through that. Your motivation for posting that comes from another experience where you went to a prominent Cincinnati comedian’s apartment to hook up, didn't, told him you were going to sleep on his couch, then woke up later to his naked body on top of you begging for a blowjob. You'll do it because you're afraid of him for reasons you can't explain. You will never call that anything because you were lucky enough to move to Chicago the next week. You’ll only bring this up to two friends and one of them will tell an entire room of comedians that this man raped you. You will never trust that person ever again. You will never talk about it to anyone again.

A week after the "Me Too" status, you'll remember the actual story from your first time I told above. The fear and the loneliness and the pain you felt. You'll realize you will never call it anything other than an unfortunate first time.  18 year old you believed when you have sex before marriage, you are supposed to be uncomfortable, hurt and you deserve what's coming. 23 year old you can't change her story now. After all, it gave her 5 years of great stand up material.

So moving forward with your sexual life know that you have the right to say "No" or "Stop" or "I would like you to use protection" or "I'm uncomfortable with that specific sex act." or "I don't want to have sex anymore." You have the RIGHT to say no in a hundred different ways even if he’s begging you. You won't for many years. For that, I am so sorry.

I love you, enjoy the rest of college and spoiler alert Donald Trump has the nuclear codes now.

Warmly,
23 year old me

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