Modern Love Podcast

Tonight, I was walking into my apartment with a dear friend. We were talking about podcasts while we ascended and descended the many stairs to my apartment (you'd have to see it to understand). I mentioned that I'm currently listening to a podcast called Modern Love. Not originally a podcast, Modern Love is a reader submitted column in the New York Times. For 13 years people have been writing essays about their marriages, divorces, almost lovers, abortions, births and manic pixie dream girls. The podcast features actors reading these essays, followed by updates on the writer's life after the essay was published. It's food for my optimistic soul. I was telling all of this to Laura then right as we approached my front door, I said a sentence that I haven't stopped thinking about since. A sentence that would NEVER have come out of my mouth for the last 6 years. A sentence that warmed my chest as it escaped my painted lips. A sentence that is not new or revolutionary to the world, but only to me.

I said, "I don't have a love life right now so it's really good to..." blah blah blah. "I don't have a love life right now."

This sentence was said with the most respect for myself I have ever had. Most of my days, when I mention being single it would be more passive and more self deprecating. More like, "Since nobody is trying to get in this." I would hurt to say those words. Even mentioning I didn't have a suitor or men chasing after me shook my self worth. It seemed to be one of the plates I was always spinning. Crushing on men, going on dates with men, falling in love with men; these were always in my queue. My love life was my life. How I was doing with that, was how I was doing period. It was exhausting.

When I said the sentence above, I didn't lower my eyes or try to say it in a funny voice. I just said it. I just meant it. My love life does not have a stake in my emotions and how I spend my time right now. It just doesn't. Don't get me wrong, I think about men daily. I think about improvisers I would love to smooch but can't because, well, they're improvisers , co-workers whose sleeves show off their rowers arms, The Birthday Boys sketch group (every hour). I think about these men. But I don't long for these men. I don't change the way I speak to them. I don't change the way I act to please them. I don't change my volume while talking to my friends to get their attention. I just live within the moments I spend with them. It's no longer predatory. It's just real. Honest. Bravely being me without PRAYING someone falls in love with it.

I don't have a love life right now. I'm spending my life loving me with no guarantee a man will too and it still feels pretty damn good.

Thanks for listening. Come back for more.