As of August 2012

I wanted to share something I wrote for my acting class last year. The assignment was to write an Autodrama, or a ten minute performance about your life. I wrote and performed this in August of 2012. Enjoy.

AUTODRAMA

I’m an open book. I’ll tell you just about anything. You ask, I’ll tell. I’ll tell you I’m a virgin and am proud of it. I’ll tell you that I go to counseling every two weeks for ADD. I’ll tell you I hate that blimp in the air force museum, looming over me. That thing could serious smother everyone in that room without any hope of escape…..phew….okay! I’ll tell you anything, except a couple of things. A couple of things you can’t really tell by looking at my pasty little face.

When I was 7, I found out my dad was an alcoholic. I was sitting there playing Donkey Kong 64, waiting for him to make me a hot dog and found him laying on the air mattress in the living room passed out. After that night, I haven’t really looked at him the same. When I was a little bit older he passed out on New Years and I was alone playing Sims 2. I knew that wasn’t right. Not how that was supposed to be. I wrote him a note saying, “Dad enough is enough. Please get help. I love you.” It is really sad when the only songs a girl can relate to her father are Call Me When You’re Sober by Evanescence and Because of You by Kelly Clarkson. I’ve come to terms with it. He isn’t in my life and won’t ever be. He loved alcohol more than me. More than a relationship with me. He’s a weak man. No, not a man, a child. He doesn’t deserve me. He’s missing out on a daughter. A good daughter. Hell, an incredible daughter. The only issue now is who will walk me down the aisle? If I even get married. That’s not something a girl should have to think about. But whatever. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger huh?

I don’t want to have kids. I don’t trust any man enough with my children. I think that’s the reason I’m a virgin. I don’t trust any man enough to give him a part of me. I had a good guy. (removes shirt) His name was Matt and he loved me. He respected me. And I him. He would say “I won’t leave you like your dad did.” I couldn’t believe him. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t. I couldn’t trust anyone to be in my future because of my past.

(sings) I won’t let you close enough to hurt me, no I won’t rescue you to just desert me. I can’t give you what you think you gave me. It’s time to say goodbye, to turning tables.

But something happened this summer. Something magical almost. I heard a verse I had heard a thousand times before, but it rang a little differently in ear this time. “I will not forsake you.” and then it clicked. All the years I was bitter about my life and men and what they do to my life, I had a man all along that never left. I realized that He wasn’t like my earthly father. He was loving. I found God when I needed him most. Life was a little overwhelming. I was 18, just graduated, moving out, and starting my life. I don’t know how I would’ve made it through all of that without Him. When things get hard, and I want to just give up and drop out, it's like I hear a tiny voice that says “No, I made you for this. Keep going.” And I chug some coffee and keep going. I don’t care if it makes no sense or it doesn’t add up scientifically. I never really liked science anyway. Knowing that someone does love me, now that's the greatest feeling in the world. And feeling it on a daily basis is what life is all about. John Back is my dad. Jesus Christ is my Father.

So I’m going to go to Chicago and kick ass. Then when I get my show and win an Emmy, I won’t be thanking my dad for all his support. I’m going to thank my Father for giving me these talents and the courage to pursue them with all my heart. 

Thanks for reading. Come back for more. 

The Perks of Self-Worth

I got my friend Dave a copy of Perks of Being a Wallflower for Christmas this year. I haven't watched it in a long time but remember loving it. I watched it last night and realized why I loved it so much and what an impact it made on my life about 8 months ago.

In October of 2012, I lost my virginity in a bathtub. Some of you have heard my stand up routine on the matter. Though this joke has brought joy and laughter to many, the experience left me with a lot of pain. I guess I just cope with humor. I got baptized in 7th grade and was in youth group my whole high school career. For those four years, I always looked down on girls who had sex in high school. I would call them "whores" even if they made love to their boyfriend after two years of dating. This is a time I gave Christianity a bad name. I was saying people who didn't life their lives the same way I did were wrong and immoral. I just couldn't understand what would lead a girl to do such a thing. My high school boyfriend broke up with me because I wouldn't go any further than kissing. "Good girls don't have sex". That what was always in my brain.
Fast forward to the night I got drunk and had sex for the first time. It was messy and uncomfortable and all around awkward but I still kept doing it. I thought the guy would like me if I put out. We hadn't even gone on a date. Long story short, we didn't end up together. This should have been enough evidence to realize that having sex was not the way to a man's heart. But alas, I had to learn it a second time.
Speed up to about April 2013. I had a huge crush on this guy in my acting classes. We were really close friends but I always wanted more. I kept telling people, "We're just friends." "I just want to be friends!" "Eww Josh! No way! Gross!" But I was just lying to myself. For some reason, I wanted him so bad I could taste it. Though I told him countless times how I felt, he still turned me down. But for some reason that didn't stop me. I just couldn't leave it alone. I thought maybe if he loved me everything would be okay. I would get the guy and life would be better. He would fix me.
So I pursued him to the point of asking to be friends with benefits. I mean, I seriously thought, "If I take his virginity, he'll fall in love with me." I was crazy.
We started secretly having sex. It was never very good and I always felt unsatisfied. I felt like I was doing it for him, not me. Every time, he would leave me immediately after. I walked him to my front door. I felt like a prostitute. It didn't make me feel safe or happy. It just made me depressed. I cried myself to sleep those nights. It brought back that idea of girls who have sex are whores, no matter what. I had only had sex with one other person but I kept calling myself a slut. Most of the time in a joking manner but every joke has an ounce of truth. Though this relationship was toxic for my self-esteem, I kept doing it. I thought, "Maybe next time he'll stay the night." He never did.
This kept going for a couple of weeks until I watched Perks of Being a Wallflower. No matter how many times people told me not to be with someone who doesn't want you, I didn't believe them. Not until I saw this movie. This movie truly depicted a "good guy." A guy who loved unconditionally. It depicted what love really is. Charlie loved Sam because she was Sam. He didn't love her because she was hot or because she was great in the sheets. He didn't care about those things. He just wanted to be with her in anyway he could. But also not in a crazy way like me. It was in that moment I knew I didn't want this relationship, or lack there of, anymore. I wanted a Charlie. I realized I deserved more.
The next day I ended it. I told him that I watched a movie and realized my worth. I told him I deserve better.
That empowerment wore off. The thing I couldn't get over was the idea that I was a whore. I had this idea that because he thought I was crazy, it was true. I thought that if he didn't want me, I wasn't worth his time. Even when he is long gone and his opinions don't matter I still had this idea of myself.
It took me a long time to realize that my past doesn't define me. I was talking to someone about this issue months after and they just said "Let it go." I learned from my mistakes with him. No, it wasn't a mistake, it was a lesson. I learned not take my worth from other people. Especially people who couldn't give a rat's ass whether you're alive or dead.

Moral of the story? Never let anyone else's feelings about you effect your feelings about you.

PS Don't lose your virginity in a bathtub. 

Thanks for listening. Come back for more.

3 Things I learned from playing the Sims

I've played the Sims since Sims 2 came out. I remember walking by all the original Sims expansion packs and thinking, "Man, I want to play that!" But one Christmas my grandma got it for me and I probably cried...privately. I began by making my family and a family friend. It was all I hoped for. As a kid, I'm not sure what attracted me to the game. Maybe I saw them as virtual barbie dolls. Like barbie dolls that I could tell what to do. Either way, I was hooked. I played so much that I forgot to eat. I mean that. I would be so wrapped up in the game, I didn't eat some days. So I know the Sims. But I also know real life. My computer stop playing the Sims my sophomore year of high school. This forced me to do something after school. Interact with human beings. So I started auditioning for the fall play and the spring musical. I made friends that I never would have in the game. But I digress.

After years in the Sims and years in the real world, I've realized what lessons can be learned from this seemingly meaningless game.

#1) Babies don't do much. Other sims can *Change Dirty Diaper*, *Snuggle*, *Play With*, *Give Bottle* and *Put in Crib*. That's it. This is so true in real life. I have two nieces and I have enjoyed their presence much more in their toddler years. Until a baby is about 6 months old, you love them because they are a baby or because they are your offspring. At about 6 months, they become people and you are able to love them for who they are. This has taught me to love babies for who they are from the minute they are born and not expect them to do anything spectacular. They are just little humans.

#2) Being a bookworm is an asset. I always used to think people who read all the time were boring. I didn't appreciate the power of books. In the Sims, people who are book worms learn skills much faster than others. I have never personally wanted to read but I recognize now that those who do might just be some of the smartest people in the world. Not more intelligent, just smarter. They enjoy learning and reading new information. That is one of the keys to success in my book. Ha. Unintentional pun. Boo-yah!

#3) You have to do work to become the person you want to be. In the Sims, if you learn how to walk and talk, you can choose the Sims trait. If you don't, a trait is chosen for you. To me, this is what real life is like. If you get your work done and you work hard, you can have your pick of what you want to be. In Sims it's traits, in real life, it's good jobs. I'm a community college student working at a Target for my living. I see that if I would have worked harder in my younger years, had a better work ethic, I would be in Chicago working my ass off. Hindsight is 20/20 but I watch all of my friends who got good grades in high school at their respective Universities working towards the life they dreamed. They aren't sitting at home whining on the internet. I believe that is because they learned long ago that hard work not only pays off in your professional life but also in your personal life.

That's my two cents y'all. Sims 3 is a wonderful game but it really suggest living life first.

Thanks for reading. Come back for more.

Red and Black: The meaning

"The Red and Black Life"
What does that mean? How does that apply to your life, Sydney? Well, first of all let's figure out the meaning of each color. Or I'll figure it out. You don't have to. You just sit there in your pajamas. If you're nude, please don't burn yourself. Laptops get hot. Where was I? Oh right. Meanings of red and black.

According to Jennifer Bourn of Bourn Creative, http://www.bourncreative.com/meaning-of-the-color-red/,
"Red is assertive, daring, determined, energetic, powerful, enthusiastic, impulsive, exciting, and aggressive. Red represents physical energy, lust, passion, and desire. It symbolizes action, confidence, and courage. The color red is linked to the most primitive physical, emotional, and financial needs of survival and self-preservation."

"Black is the absence of color. Black is a mysterious color that is typically associated with the unknown or the negative. The color black represents strength, seriousness, power, and authority. Black is a formal, elegant, and prestigious color. Authoritative and powerful, the color black can evoke strong emotions and too much black can be overwhelming."

These two colors seem very different when you look at them. They feel like opposites. Which I know isn't true so calm down art students. But to me with my theater brain, they are. Red is used it's to grab attention. Black is used to disappear. Most days, I feel like doing both.

In my teenage life I thought I was red. I wanted everyone to look at me. I was in every group I could be in. Every chance I got to be in front of someone, I took it. I was in all the shows and on the morning news. Who is more well known than the morning news anchor. I mean, not everyone went to the plays but everyone was forced to watch the morning news. I was the talk of the school. At least in my mind I was. I was also red with my dreams. Or at least the way I talked about my dreams. I talked a big talk. Seriously. That's all that I did. "I'm going to be a Main Stage performer at Second City" Cool story bro. What are you going to do about it? "Move to Chicago" Wow. How are you going to do that? "Go to school there." Okay. How are your grades? "I'll go to a school that accepts students based on talent not grades." Good luck sister. But I never applied. I NEVER APPLIED. I didn't even write the essay. I didn't even submit any work. I just went to the website, looked at the things I needed to do and got overwhelmed. I procrastinated until the last minute. I lost my dream just like that. Well, I didn't lose it. I just "decided" I was going to go to a community college to "save money". That was bullcrap. If you've ever heard me say that, I'm sorry. I lied to you. Please forgive me. I was just lying to myself. I could tell you I was a victim of my generation gone wrong but that would be a lie as well.
When I realized I was lying to myself, life turned to black.

Within the last year, I have considered suicide twice. That statement is difficult to type but if I'm going to have a blog, I'm going to be honest. I thought, I can't escape this cycle of laziness. I wanted to do better. Work harder. But I wasn't. So I thought, end it now. Don't live a life of mediocrity. Just die. Life turned black. I began writing plays about death and scenes about suicide. "That just isn't me. How strange." But I have begun to realize that it is me. A side of me. I have a lot of demons. Unaddressed demons. Right now, I'm still a little black. I feel more black than red nowadays. But I can't forget the red. The red is what led me to leaving New Carlisle. The red is what led me to going to school for theater. The red has led me to find the Black Box Improv theater. I believe that place was sent from God for me. But that was my first mistake. Thinking it was for me, I mean. It's for Dayton. That's why the website is daytonblackbox.com, not sydneybackblackbox.com. That was one of my worst mistakes. But alas, life goes on. I made the choice to go on.

A red and black lifestyle is not easy. But the only thing that gets me through it is the hope in the red and the belief that the black will not overtake me.

There you go internet people. Now the title makes sense and maybe I make a little more sense as well.

Thank you for reading. Come back for more.