As of August 2012

I wanted to share something I wrote for my acting class last year. The assignment was to write an Autodrama, or a ten minute performance about your life. I wrote and performed this in August of 2012. Enjoy.

AUTODRAMA

I’m an open book. I’ll tell you just about anything. You ask, I’ll tell. I’ll tell you I’m a virgin and am proud of it. I’ll tell you that I go to counseling every two weeks for ADD. I’ll tell you I hate that blimp in the air force museum, looming over me. That thing could serious smother everyone in that room without any hope of escape…..phew….okay! I’ll tell you anything, except a couple of things. A couple of things you can’t really tell by looking at my pasty little face.

When I was 7, I found out my dad was an alcoholic. I was sitting there playing Donkey Kong 64, waiting for him to make me a hot dog and found him laying on the air mattress in the living room passed out. After that night, I haven’t really looked at him the same. When I was a little bit older he passed out on New Years and I was alone playing Sims 2. I knew that wasn’t right. Not how that was supposed to be. I wrote him a note saying, “Dad enough is enough. Please get help. I love you.” It is really sad when the only songs a girl can relate to her father are Call Me When You’re Sober by Evanescence and Because of You by Kelly Clarkson. I’ve come to terms with it. He isn’t in my life and won’t ever be. He loved alcohol more than me. More than a relationship with me. He’s a weak man. No, not a man, a child. He doesn’t deserve me. He’s missing out on a daughter. A good daughter. Hell, an incredible daughter. The only issue now is who will walk me down the aisle? If I even get married. That’s not something a girl should have to think about. But whatever. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger huh?

I don’t want to have kids. I don’t trust any man enough with my children. I think that’s the reason I’m a virgin. I don’t trust any man enough to give him a part of me. I had a good guy. (removes shirt) His name was Matt and he loved me. He respected me. And I him. He would say “I won’t leave you like your dad did.” I couldn’t believe him. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t. I couldn’t trust anyone to be in my future because of my past.

(sings) I won’t let you close enough to hurt me, no I won’t rescue you to just desert me. I can’t give you what you think you gave me. It’s time to say goodbye, to turning tables.

But something happened this summer. Something magical almost. I heard a verse I had heard a thousand times before, but it rang a little differently in ear this time. “I will not forsake you.” and then it clicked. All the years I was bitter about my life and men and what they do to my life, I had a man all along that never left. I realized that He wasn’t like my earthly father. He was loving. I found God when I needed him most. Life was a little overwhelming. I was 18, just graduated, moving out, and starting my life. I don’t know how I would’ve made it through all of that without Him. When things get hard, and I want to just give up and drop out, it's like I hear a tiny voice that says “No, I made you for this. Keep going.” And I chug some coffee and keep going. I don’t care if it makes no sense or it doesn’t add up scientifically. I never really liked science anyway. Knowing that someone does love me, now that's the greatest feeling in the world. And feeling it on a daily basis is what life is all about. John Back is my dad. Jesus Christ is my Father.

So I’m going to go to Chicago and kick ass. Then when I get my show and win an Emmy, I won’t be thanking my dad for all his support. I’m going to thank my Father for giving me these talents and the courage to pursue them with all my heart. 

Thanks for reading. Come back for more.