I got my friend Dave a copy of Perks of Being a Wallflower for Christmas this year. I haven't watched it in a long time but remember loving it. I watched it last night and realized why I loved it so much and what an impact it made on my life about 8 months ago.
In October of 2012, I lost my virginity in a bathtub. Some of you have heard my stand up routine on the matter. Though this joke has brought joy and laughter to many, the experience left me with a lot of pain. I guess I just cope with humor. I got baptized in 7th grade and was in youth group my whole high school career. For those four years, I always looked down on girls who had sex in high school. I would call them "whores" even if they made love to their boyfriend after two years of dating. This is a time I gave Christianity a bad name. I was saying people who didn't life their lives the same way I did were wrong and immoral. I just couldn't understand what would lead a girl to do such a thing. My high school boyfriend broke up with me because I wouldn't go any further than kissing. "Good girls don't have sex". That what was always in my brain.
Fast forward to the night I got drunk and had sex for the first time. It was messy and uncomfortable and all around awkward but I still kept doing it. I thought the guy would like me if I put out. We hadn't even gone on a date. Long story short, we didn't end up together. This should have been enough evidence to realize that having sex was not the way to a man's heart. But alas, I had to learn it a second time.
Speed up to about April 2013. I had a huge crush on this guy in my acting classes. We were really close friends but I always wanted more. I kept telling people, "We're just friends." "I just want to be friends!" "Eww Josh! No way! Gross!" But I was just lying to myself. For some reason, I wanted him so bad I could taste it. Though I told him countless times how I felt, he still turned me down. But for some reason that didn't stop me. I just couldn't leave it alone. I thought maybe if he loved me everything would be okay. I would get the guy and life would be better. He would fix me.
So I pursued him to the point of asking to be friends with benefits. I mean, I seriously thought, "If I take his virginity, he'll fall in love with me." I was crazy.
We started secretly having sex. It was never very good and I always felt unsatisfied. I felt like I was doing it for him, not me. Every time, he would leave me immediately after. I walked him to my front door. I felt like a prostitute. It didn't make me feel safe or happy. It just made me depressed. I cried myself to sleep those nights. It brought back that idea of girls who have sex are whores, no matter what. I had only had sex with one other person but I kept calling myself a slut. Most of the time in a joking manner but every joke has an ounce of truth. Though this relationship was toxic for my self-esteem, I kept doing it. I thought, "Maybe next time he'll stay the night." He never did.
This kept going for a couple of weeks until I watched Perks of Being a Wallflower. No matter how many times people told me not to be with someone who doesn't want you, I didn't believe them. Not until I saw this movie. This movie truly depicted a "good guy." A guy who loved unconditionally. It depicted what love really is. Charlie loved Sam because she was Sam. He didn't love her because she was hot or because she was great in the sheets. He didn't care about those things. He just wanted to be with her in anyway he could. But also not in a crazy way like me. It was in that moment I knew I didn't want this relationship, or lack there of, anymore. I wanted a Charlie. I realized I deserved more.
The next day I ended it. I told him that I watched a movie and realized my worth. I told him I deserve better.
That empowerment wore off. The thing I couldn't get over was the idea that I was a whore. I had this idea that because he thought I was crazy, it was true. I thought that if he didn't want me, I wasn't worth his time. Even when he is long gone and his opinions don't matter I still had this idea of myself.
It took me a long time to realize that my past doesn't define me. I was talking to someone about this issue months after and they just said "Let it go." I learned from my mistakes with him. No, it wasn't a mistake, it was a lesson. I learned not take my worth from other people. Especially people who couldn't give a rat's ass whether you're alive or dead.
Moral of the story? Never let anyone else's feelings about you effect your feelings about you.
PS Don't lose your virginity in a bathtub.
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
No comments:
Post a Comment