Red and Black: The meaning

"The Red and Black Life"
What does that mean? How does that apply to your life, Sydney? Well, first of all let's figure out the meaning of each color. Or I'll figure it out. You don't have to. You just sit there in your pajamas. If you're nude, please don't burn yourself. Laptops get hot. Where was I? Oh right. Meanings of red and black.

According to Jennifer Bourn of Bourn Creative, http://www.bourncreative.com/meaning-of-the-color-red/,
"Red is assertive, daring, determined, energetic, powerful, enthusiastic, impulsive, exciting, and aggressive. Red represents physical energy, lust, passion, and desire. It symbolizes action, confidence, and courage. The color red is linked to the most primitive physical, emotional, and financial needs of survival and self-preservation."

"Black is the absence of color. Black is a mysterious color that is typically associated with the unknown or the negative. The color black represents strength, seriousness, power, and authority. Black is a formal, elegant, and prestigious color. Authoritative and powerful, the color black can evoke strong emotions and too much black can be overwhelming."

These two colors seem very different when you look at them. They feel like opposites. Which I know isn't true so calm down art students. But to me with my theater brain, they are. Red is used it's to grab attention. Black is used to disappear. Most days, I feel like doing both.

In my teenage life I thought I was red. I wanted everyone to look at me. I was in every group I could be in. Every chance I got to be in front of someone, I took it. I was in all the shows and on the morning news. Who is more well known than the morning news anchor. I mean, not everyone went to the plays but everyone was forced to watch the morning news. I was the talk of the school. At least in my mind I was. I was also red with my dreams. Or at least the way I talked about my dreams. I talked a big talk. Seriously. That's all that I did. "I'm going to be a Main Stage performer at Second City" Cool story bro. What are you going to do about it? "Move to Chicago" Wow. How are you going to do that? "Go to school there." Okay. How are your grades? "I'll go to a school that accepts students based on talent not grades." Good luck sister. But I never applied. I NEVER APPLIED. I didn't even write the essay. I didn't even submit any work. I just went to the website, looked at the things I needed to do and got overwhelmed. I procrastinated until the last minute. I lost my dream just like that. Well, I didn't lose it. I just "decided" I was going to go to a community college to "save money". That was bullcrap. If you've ever heard me say that, I'm sorry. I lied to you. Please forgive me. I was just lying to myself. I could tell you I was a victim of my generation gone wrong but that would be a lie as well.
When I realized I was lying to myself, life turned to black.

Within the last year, I have considered suicide twice. That statement is difficult to type but if I'm going to have a blog, I'm going to be honest. I thought, I can't escape this cycle of laziness. I wanted to do better. Work harder. But I wasn't. So I thought, end it now. Don't live a life of mediocrity. Just die. Life turned black. I began writing plays about death and scenes about suicide. "That just isn't me. How strange." But I have begun to realize that it is me. A side of me. I have a lot of demons. Unaddressed demons. Right now, I'm still a little black. I feel more black than red nowadays. But I can't forget the red. The red is what led me to leaving New Carlisle. The red is what led me to going to school for theater. The red has led me to find the Black Box Improv theater. I believe that place was sent from God for me. But that was my first mistake. Thinking it was for me, I mean. It's for Dayton. That's why the website is daytonblackbox.com, not sydneybackblackbox.com. That was one of my worst mistakes. But alas, life goes on. I made the choice to go on.

A red and black lifestyle is not easy. But the only thing that gets me through it is the hope in the red and the belief that the black will not overtake me.

There you go internet people. Now the title makes sense and maybe I make a little more sense as well.

Thank you for reading. Come back for more.