It's Not You, It's Me.

I have the saddest most terrible news a girl can report on her blog...I broke up with my boyfriend. "OH MY GOD! NOW SHE'S ALONE! WHAT IS SHE GOING TO DO? DIE ALONE?"
NO.
Yes, I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 months. No, my life is not ruined. Yes, we are still civil.
Cool. Now that we got through that, here's why:

I don't love myself.

This may sound like an excuse but it's truly the reason why. How can I expect to "love" anyone else when I can't even love myself? I can't and no matter what I said to him, I didn't love him. I have truly loved one guy in my life and, as of last night, I realized that was a mistake. I have told every guy I've been with since that one I actually loved, "I love you." But I didn't mean it. Well, I meant something else when I said those three fateful words. "Fix me." I thought that I "loved" someone they would fix me. They would take away my insecurities and fears. Mind you, they really did...for the first two months. Then it was back to hating myself for who I am and what I've become. I hoped they would give me the motivation to live. They did...for the first two months. I prayed they would think I was interesting. They really did...but I didn't find them interesting. I got bored and broke it off. I blamed my poor choice in men and that I would find one better next time. An idea that has been pounded into me through a generation that claims nothing is our fault. This was my fault. To be honest, I have make pretty good choices with men. I have never been verbally or physically abused. All the guys I've been with are smart and funny guys. I can't report any "crazies".  I have done pretty well. But it's not about them. This is about me. Though these men really thought they loved me, they loved the version of myself I played around them. I have a certain amount of information I am comfortable telling them and then that's it. They don't get anymore because  I'm afraid they won't love me anymore. Some of that comes from my first love dropping me like a sack of potatoes. Some of that comes from my dad dropping me like a box of rocks because of his own issues. Some of that comes from me considering myself no better than a sack of potatoes or a box of rocks. But it is really hard to show people who I really am, or the undesirable sides of me. Why put that much of myself into it if they are just gonna leave? So that's how I've lived. Hoping that with each guy, this discomfort with myself will disappear.

I was just missing one key element...

I need to love me too.

It took my 19 years but I think this is a valuable lesson.
Before this, I jokingly called myself a "whore" or a "stupid actress"
Now, I call myself beautiful. I look in the mirror and think how great I am. I hear my voice and think I am smart. 

So I'm going to date myself for a while. Buy myself dinners, put on nice clothes to feel pretty, work with myself everyday to improve.

I'm done hurting others and myself. In order to do that, I have to be alone with myself for a long time.

My life is just beginning. I want to spend the rest of it with a person I love, which right now, is myself.

Thanks for listening. Come back for more.

Best Friends Forever

Think about your high school best friend. It's probably been a while since you've seen them, right? Are you still close? Do you still talk a lot? Do you still call them when you need someone? Well, if you're like me, the answer is no. To be honest, I had a couple of "best friends" in high school. Friend's B and A. B was my best friend. Truly. We were like sisters. We talked like sisters, we laughed like sisters, we fought like sisters. I mean I fought with her. I was pretty mean to her sometimes. It was really only because I cared about her so much, I wanted the best for her. That aggressive fight led to our demise I think. She was never angry with me. She always respected the fact that my life was my own. She may have disagreed but she respected that. I, unfortunately, did not. I basically told her she was wrong for being with every one of her boyfriends. Because I thought they weren't the one for here, I basically wouldn't listen to anything she said about them. It got so bad that she didn't tell me when she started dating them. She just let me find out through the internet because she knew my reaction would be this face:
http://brgag.com.br/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/0-07253500-1328642316-disgusted-face-png.jpg
It also got to the point that she yelled, "Why do I even talk to you about this stuff?!?!" in a public place.
Thanks to this mentality, I didn't receive any notice of her dating someone. Thanks to this mentality, Facebook told me she was engaged to this someone. Thanks to this mentality, I won't be standing next to her at the alter. She chose someone who supports her and loves her no matter what. It wasn't just distance that tore us a part. It was me.

Friend A is a different story. Friend A was my second best friend. She was like my second string. When friend B wasn't there, friend A stepped in like a champion. We were able to share parts of ourselves with each other that no one else would understand. She was beautiful, funny, charming, and innocent. These things were what led to our demise. She didn't know she was all of these things so I tried to convince her. I did this mostly to her face. Because of my insecurities, I began to feel jealous. She was so unaware of how wonderful she was, it made me angry. Anger seems to be my mode of communication. Soon after, I began talking behind her back. It was childish and mean. The worst part was that when she came to me to talk, I acted like nothing bothered me. I was a very good friend. But then I would turn around and talk about how annoying she is. I have apologized to her since but I can never forget what I did to her. Because I was unhappy with who I was, I took it out on this poor girl. A, I am truly sorry.

My high school friends are gone now. Not because we grew apart. Not because we live too far from each other. We fell apart thanks to my anger. Part of this blog is to show the world and myself that I have made mistakes. I made mistakes even before I realized I could. The silver lining is that I learned from this. Though, my friendships with these girls is damaged, I can take these lessons and use them in future friendships and relationships in general. I've learned to not take people for granted. I learned. That's all I can really say. I learned

Thanks for listening. Come back for more.

Snow Day, Shmow Day

In case you didn't know or live in Australia, it's cold outside. It's so cold that I couldn't even get in my car because it was frozen shut. Thanks to this, I have been in my house for the past two days doing almost nothing. I did a little bit of sewing and wrote a page of my new play. Considering I have been here for 48 hours, that is nothing. I have sat on the same spot on the couch until my boyfriend and I watched Indiana Jones in my bedroom. Immediately after, I'm back in my spot. I've watched a lot of news. I found out that Saturday Night Live has a new cast member. I fell in love with Jimmy Fallon. I haven't been writing posts on here because nothing has been happening. Until right now. I want to talk about technology. Not like iPhone models and apps. I want to talk about the fact that I can't get off my computer. If it is not in my lap, something is wrong. I open it the minute I get up and don't close it until I go to bed. As I have expressed before, I love to play the Sims 3 everyday. Nothing makes me more distant from reality than this video game. Every time I make one of the children do homework, I think about the homework I'm not doing. Sometimes I even get snappy with my mom because she interrupts my fake life. Having a child in the Sims is more important than taking the trash out, obviously. Most of the day, I am on Facebook watching my friends get pregnant and engaged. It doesn't satisfy me. Knowing that others are also addicted to their technology only makes me feel better about my online trolling. Then I go to Postsecret.com. This makes me feel less alone. People share their secrets in beautiful postcards. Some secrets are shocking, some funny, and some saddening. Either way, I feel more connected to these people than I ever have to people on Facebook. This website shows that others get depressed and think weird thoughts and have bad stories. My computer is a huge distraction.

When I'm not on the computer, I feel physically better. My eyes don't hurt and I can stay awake for more than 12 hours. I have so much energy. I listen to my mom. Recently, I've realized that she talks a lot about my family history. When I was 16, I rolled my eyes at the thought of this but now I love to hear it. I even ask questions. Crazy, right?
When I'm not on the computer, I go outside. Sunday night, I went to my oldest friend's house for dinner and to say goodbye until summer. That night, I realized that I didn't know as much about this girl than I thought. We had been friend's forever. Okay maybe not forever but I can never remember a day when she wasn't a part of my life. I have never enjoyed our time as much as this one time when we just sat and talked. I found a new love for a person that seemed so familiar to me that I thought I couldn't learn anything else. No amount of "likes" on Facebook can amount to that experience.
When I'm not on the computer, I feel like life has a purpose. When I'm up and doing things, I remember that I can accomplish things. I actually learn new things. When I'm on my spot, I can feel myself wasting away. When I'm in a very uncomfortable desk in 2L12 (that's the theater classroom at Sinclair), I feel like my life is moving forward. When Kim is yelling out emotions as I stand in front of a class of my peers, I feel like I will do something with my life.

As my classes hopefully start tomorrow, I will be thankful I have a reason to yank me out of my sunken in seat on the couch.

Technology is good and has changed the way we live, but just remember that the best moments in life aren't on a glowing screen. Unless Cecily Strong tweets you. Then maybe the best thing that has happened to you is on a screen. But that only happens to a select few.

Thanks for reading. Come back for more.

Tar-get me out of here!

I work at Target. Yes, that company that just had a security leak. It wasn't our fault, get over it.
I work at this place where dreams go to die. Well, at least that's how it's been making me feel lately. I have had such a bad attitude for the last year of working there. If they don't give me a lot of hours, I complain because I need money. If they give me a lot of hours, I complain because I need down time. Nothing was ever going to make me happy. I would moan every time I put on those sand colored pants. But this morning as I woke up in the second day of 2014, the only sound that left my lips was the weird noise everyone makes when they stretch. Today, I will be thankful that I have a job. I will be thankful that I can earn money and go to school. I will be thankful that I can save for my future now. I will be thankful. Target is a great company to work for and I am lucky to have gotten this job. Heck, I like talking to people, cashiering is perfect for me. Though I don't want to work there for the rest of my life, I need to remember that I should enjoy it while I'm there. So come visit me and remind me why I'm thankful because I know some days I'll forget.

Thanks for reading. Come back for more.