It's Not You, It's Me.

I have the saddest most terrible news a girl can report on her blog...I broke up with my boyfriend. "OH MY GOD! NOW SHE'S ALONE! WHAT IS SHE GOING TO DO? DIE ALONE?"
NO.
Yes, I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 months. No, my life is not ruined. Yes, we are still civil.
Cool. Now that we got through that, here's why:

I don't love myself.

This may sound like an excuse but it's truly the reason why. How can I expect to "love" anyone else when I can't even love myself? I can't and no matter what I said to him, I didn't love him. I have truly loved one guy in my life and, as of last night, I realized that was a mistake. I have told every guy I've been with since that one I actually loved, "I love you." But I didn't mean it. Well, I meant something else when I said those three fateful words. "Fix me." I thought that I "loved" someone they would fix me. They would take away my insecurities and fears. Mind you, they really did...for the first two months. Then it was back to hating myself for who I am and what I've become. I hoped they would give me the motivation to live. They did...for the first two months. I prayed they would think I was interesting. They really did...but I didn't find them interesting. I got bored and broke it off. I blamed my poor choice in men and that I would find one better next time. An idea that has been pounded into me through a generation that claims nothing is our fault. This was my fault. To be honest, I have make pretty good choices with men. I have never been verbally or physically abused. All the guys I've been with are smart and funny guys. I can't report any "crazies".  I have done pretty well. But it's not about them. This is about me. Though these men really thought they loved me, they loved the version of myself I played around them. I have a certain amount of information I am comfortable telling them and then that's it. They don't get anymore because  I'm afraid they won't love me anymore. Some of that comes from my first love dropping me like a sack of potatoes. Some of that comes from my dad dropping me like a box of rocks because of his own issues. Some of that comes from me considering myself no better than a sack of potatoes or a box of rocks. But it is really hard to show people who I really am, or the undesirable sides of me. Why put that much of myself into it if they are just gonna leave? So that's how I've lived. Hoping that with each guy, this discomfort with myself will disappear.

I was just missing one key element...

I need to love me too.

It took my 19 years but I think this is a valuable lesson.
Before this, I jokingly called myself a "whore" or a "stupid actress"
Now, I call myself beautiful. I look in the mirror and think how great I am. I hear my voice and think I am smart. 

So I'm going to date myself for a while. Buy myself dinners, put on nice clothes to feel pretty, work with myself everyday to improve.

I'm done hurting others and myself. In order to do that, I have to be alone with myself for a long time.

My life is just beginning. I want to spend the rest of it with a person I love, which right now, is myself.

Thanks for listening. Come back for more.