R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Throughout my life, I've gotten mostly positive feedback.
"You're so funny!", or "You're so engaging!" or the highest of praise, "You're totally gonna be famous one day, I just know it!"

While all of these things are spectacular and so kind, I feel like criticism is hard to swallow. But this post isn't about that. It's about the other side of the spectrum. Insults.

I've never really been insulted to my face when it comes to performance. I don't know what I would do if that happened. Maybe cry, maybe stare, or hopefully scream "FUCK OFF!" in the persons face.

All insults I've received or taken personally have been overheard.

The worst happened today at Improv Club. We were assigned groups after the last meeting and I was put into a group with some very talented people that I respect. I was very excited. I get to work with some improvisers that I admire. What can get better than that?

The better question is, how can it get worse than this?
We did our scene with the classic montage style and it was going okay.

I feel like I should take a second to confess one thing: I'm struggling with improv. Truly. I'm having a hard time with it most days. I'm in classes and am continuing to perform and practice but I'm struggling. I'm not as good as I want to be. But I know if I just keep going, I'll get better and enjoy it more. But right now, I'm slightly insecure about my abilities.

Now with that being said, I'll go back to my previous statement.
We did our scene with the classic montage style and it was going okay. Scene were funny but not hilarious and I was trying my best. I was doing all the things I'd been learning over the past 10 weeks and I was feeling okay. The final scene was between me and one of the people I admire. We'll call him Improviser 1. We were having a normal conversation which is boring to watch but necessary to find the meaning of the scene. Eventually, another improviser came on and made a joke that landed and really heightened the scene. We'll call him Improviser 2. Yay for labeling.But the scene was awesome with that addition. Then someone called scene and the show was over. We all took a bow. I felt okay about the 8 minutes and exited the stage.
BUT as I contently walked to my seat, my ear caught this.
Improviser 1 to Improviser 2 exasperatedly, "Thanks for that."

In my ear, at that moment, I heard, "Thanks for saving me from that scene."

I was devastated. I was an improviser that my scene partner needed to be saved from. Ouch. I had to fight the tears.  I mean I know the scene wasn't going well, but it's not like I walked on stage and said, "You're my brother, lets have sex!"

I'm trying my damndest not to take this so personally but it's proving difficult.
I'm not the best improviser but I'm trying. I'm listening and heightening and FUCKING TRYING.

I mean no ill will to the Improviser 1. I'm just realizing that I'm headed straight into a world I've never been before. A world where no one is going to respect me until I show them I can be respected. It's an odd realization but one that needed to be shared.

I will use this experience to fuel me. I will be better next time. I will make stronger choices and be more interesting. I will be better. Because apparently trying isn't good enough.

Thanks for listening. Come back for more.

27 Hours

Charles visited me this weekend. I'm sorry. Not the whole weekend. He stayed last night. He drove through the night to Chicago likes some 70s rock anthem and arrived at Plymouth Court around 7am. When I saw him across the street, my heart and body leaped in the air. Especially my body; hopefully he didn't see me. He ran across the street with his hands in his pockets, as we locked eyes. Smiles grew, and the people around us disappeared. I walked towards him with haste and intention. We said, "hello" like little kids with crushes and he picked up and spun me around. A cinematic dream. Kissing on the street, like the people I scoff at, all of the anxiety of this visit went away. He was with me. That's all that mattered.

For the record, we are not together and we won't be getting back together unless we live in similar zip codes. But him cumming---WHOOPS I meant, coming...or did I?
ANYWHO, him arriving in Chicago means we're still in each others lives. In a middle ground between friends and dating, we have declared ourselves lovers. Like a historical film, I write him letters, and (months later) he responds. We don't really know where this relationship will end up but I don't think either of us are really that concerned. 

That being said, we did all the things couples do; we drank coffee, ate meals, "napped". But I didn't feel the way I thought I would upon his arrival. I still love with this kid, don't get me wrong. But I feel like distance really does make the heart grow fonder. I had dreamed him up to be the love of my entire life. I'm realizing that may not be true. He is the love of my life so far. I'm not saying the visit was bad. I had a wonderful night. We saw a show at Second City, smoked in Grant Park, and slept together (in all meanings of the phrase). I had a blast! I'm just saying that the connection I had missed so much was not as strong in person. This is a freeing realization. He is the second love of my life and hopefully not the last. That's something I never would have said a month ago.

This is short post because I'm going to cry about him leaving. It's very sad. It's a strange feeling to not be lonely for 27 hours. It was wonderful and now that he's gone, loneliness is back and that's fine. This is one of the sacrifices I have to make for a life in comedy. I'm okay with it but that doesn't mean I don't take time to grieve. I will cry myself into an actual nap, wake up, go to rehearsal and go on with my life. I believe this thinking will keep me sane.

Really quickly, I would like to plug the song that describes this situation better than any words I could spit onto a page. If you're bored or going through long distance bullshit, take a listen to City Song by Emmy the Great. My favorite lyric is, "And what will you look like when you're old? What will I do if I don't know you? I guess that I decided not to ask the day I took the road down to the city as it called." Check it out. It's so accurate, it hurts.

I just want to challenge anyone whose reading this, who feels the same way, to really look at the relationship in question. Did you really feel whole with this person? Are they really your everything? Can you live without them? If not, aren't you alive right now? So keep doing you. Keep working, studying, dancing, laughing, crying, loving every minute of this beautiful life you've been given. Just keep going. It will feel better one day whether that person is by your side or not. I can't promise but I can say I believe it with all of my heart. Sometimes that's all you need.

Thanks for listening. Come back for more.

Break Up BLAH BLAH BLAH

I told my ex he's forbidden from this blog, so here's some of my favorite break up lyrics of all time.

"Been kissed by lady luck, the stars are all lined up, every arrow that I aim is true. I got a smile on my face, it's the best one I can fake, I'm as happy as half a heart can be, but I miss you."
-Kacey Musgraves

"Just to put your mind at easy, you don't owe me anything, you paid me well in memories, and I think of you whenever life gets me down, I think of you whenever you're not around." -A Fine Frenzy

"Is there a chance a fragment of light at the end of the tunnel, a reason to fight? Is there a chance you may change your mind, or are we ashes and wine?" -A Fine Frenzy

"We had a skydive love affair doomed from the very start." -Grace Potter and the Nocturnals

"And what will you look like when you're old, what will I do if I don't know you? I guess that I decided not to ask the day I took the road, down to the city as it called." -Emma the Great

"I'm tryinna remember your face in my hands, I want an adventure, you met my demands, I told myself the day I left, I want it but I can't. I fell for something far away again. I guess that it's pointless, but I mean what I say. I never expected through all this time that I could be okay. Yeah all the things you do to me, the promise and the pain, I wish with all my heart that I could stay."
-Allison Weiss

"My love's too big for you, my love." -Ingrid Michaelson

"And I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep, and I'll feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe." -Taylor Swift

"Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echos, tell myself it's time now gotta let go, but moving on from him is impossible and I still see it all in my head, burning red." -Taylor Swift

"You be gone and I'll be happier." -A Fine Frenzy

"In dreams, I meet you in warm conversation. We both wake, in lonely beds, in different cities. And time is taking it's sweet time erasing you, and you've got your demons and darling they all look like me." -Taylor Swift

"And all my friends say I'm doing so well, I'm being so brave, as far as anyone can tell, I'm fine. I miss you all the time. I'm fine. I miss you all the time." -Allison Weiss


Thanks for listening. Come back for more. 

Two Years with a Popped Cherry

Two years ago today, I lost my virginity to a guy I barely knew. He invited me to a cast party and I thought, it must mean he's in love with me. So I gave him my v card. A true love story.

Until he actually didn't even like me like me. I cried for a long time and regretted my decision of losing it while drunk with someone who didn't even know my middle name. It was a very painful experience because I had held onto my virginity like a prize. Then someone took it without even playing the game. I didn't feel like a woman. I felt like a little girl again. Out of control of my feelings. I felt like I didn't have control anymore. Keeping my virginity locked up gave me control over myself and relationships. The minute I started having sex, that control was gone.

Since that time, I have been sexually active. I'll tell you right now that it's like a floodgate. You can't undo it. I've had a couple of one night stands, a couple of fuck buddies, and a few relationships. In the past two years, I'm proud to say that I'm glad I lost my virginity the way I did. Thanks to that, I learned that sex doesn't equal love. I learned that I deserved better than that. I learned that sexuality is a personal choice and no one but me gets to decide what that means to me. Though I had my problems with my sexuality for a long time, I have come to love the "sexy" side of me. Until this summer, I felt ashamed of my sex life. I would cry a lot after sex. I felt like I had to do it to make men want to be with me.

Then my favorite ex-boyfriend helped me realize that I don't have to do anything I don't want to. It's up to me to decide if I think sex is shameful or healthy. He gave me time to figure that out and didn't pressure me. I made the decision myself. I made the decision that sex is just sex. It feels good but it's not as important as actually caring about someone. Like I said earlier, sex doesn't equal love. Love equals love. In my opinion, sex is just a product of it. For me personally, I'm more interested in having someone entertaining to talk to than having someone to have sex with. But I'll tell you one thing, sex is THE BEST when it's with someone you care about. Holy shit. It's good. So I'm waiting for someone who actually interests me. That doesn't mean that people who enjoy the act of sex shouldn't do it. I praise those people for doing exactly what they want. But I don't foresee any one night stands in my future.

Now I sit in at my desk hundreds of miles from the crime scene where my virginity was stolen but only a few miles from the thief. Though our relationship started out really weird, I can honestly say my virginity stealer is one of my best friends and has helped me through so many struggles in the last two years. From this "terrible" experience, I gained self-worth, confidence in my sexuality and best of all a friend. I honestly couldn't ask for more.

Thanks for listening. Come back for more.

Mediocre

It's getting hard ladies and gentlemen. I've been here for a month and I feel like I'm drowning. School work feels overwhelming and I feel like I'm already disappointing people. I look at everyone around me, thinking they're above me. I can't help but have the feeling that they can see that I'm not as good as them. Like it's printed across my forehead.

Honestly, those feelings were nowhere to be found when I first got here. Everything was still like camp. I went out and met people and laughed a lot. Things were easy because no one was asking me to do actual work. I was confident in my abilities because I had told myself to be confident. But I wasn't being honest with myself. I'm not as good at improv as I thought I was coming in. I feel like since I've gotten here, I've realized how much better should be. I keep telling people I'm a junior when in all reality, I'm a sophomore. I didn't do enough at my other college to be considered a junior. I hate it when people ask me that question because I lie to their face. I can't stand it but I still do it. Honesty is my policy and I'm breaking it. For one of the first times in my life, I'm lying to try to make myself feel better. Well newsflash, I don't feel any better.

The bad thoughts have come back. I'll be watching an improv scene and think, "Wow, you'll never be that good. Why don't you just go and end it now? You'd rather be dead than mediocre." But then I think about it and decide I shouldn't. I convince myself that I will be one day. I'll feel and be better one day. I promise myself. That's how I make it through.

I'm really bad at asking for help. I think that's why I feel like I'm drowning. I feel like I have to do all of this alone and if I ask for help, I'm cheating. But asking for help is the best thing a person can do. I need a life raft and I just need to be vulnerable enough to ask for it. If I don't, it might be the end of me.

But, I'm not defined by my fears. I didn't move to Chicago to get consumed by my fears. I moved to Chicago to face them head on. That's why I called the counseling services here at Columbia and I have an appointment tomorrow. I'm not sure if this will help but I know it's the first step.

I apologize that this blog isn't as uplifting as it once was but like I said, honesty is my policy. Life isn't the sunshine and rainbows it was a month ago when no one was challenging me. If I can survive this time, I truly believe I will thrive.

Thanks for listening. Come back for more.