Mediocre

It's getting hard ladies and gentlemen. I've been here for a month and I feel like I'm drowning. School work feels overwhelming and I feel like I'm already disappointing people. I look at everyone around me, thinking they're above me. I can't help but have the feeling that they can see that I'm not as good as them. Like it's printed across my forehead.

Honestly, those feelings were nowhere to be found when I first got here. Everything was still like camp. I went out and met people and laughed a lot. Things were easy because no one was asking me to do actual work. I was confident in my abilities because I had told myself to be confident. But I wasn't being honest with myself. I'm not as good at improv as I thought I was coming in. I feel like since I've gotten here, I've realized how much better should be. I keep telling people I'm a junior when in all reality, I'm a sophomore. I didn't do enough at my other college to be considered a junior. I hate it when people ask me that question because I lie to their face. I can't stand it but I still do it. Honesty is my policy and I'm breaking it. For one of the first times in my life, I'm lying to try to make myself feel better. Well newsflash, I don't feel any better.

The bad thoughts have come back. I'll be watching an improv scene and think, "Wow, you'll never be that good. Why don't you just go and end it now? You'd rather be dead than mediocre." But then I think about it and decide I shouldn't. I convince myself that I will be one day. I'll feel and be better one day. I promise myself. That's how I make it through.

I'm really bad at asking for help. I think that's why I feel like I'm drowning. I feel like I have to do all of this alone and if I ask for help, I'm cheating. But asking for help is the best thing a person can do. I need a life raft and I just need to be vulnerable enough to ask for it. If I don't, it might be the end of me.

But, I'm not defined by my fears. I didn't move to Chicago to get consumed by my fears. I moved to Chicago to face them head on. That's why I called the counseling services here at Columbia and I have an appointment tomorrow. I'm not sure if this will help but I know it's the first step.

I apologize that this blog isn't as uplifting as it once was but like I said, honesty is my policy. Life isn't the sunshine and rainbows it was a month ago when no one was challenging me. If I can survive this time, I truly believe I will thrive.

Thanks for listening. Come back for more.