R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Throughout my life, I've gotten mostly positive feedback.
"You're so funny!", or "You're so engaging!" or the highest of praise, "You're totally gonna be famous one day, I just know it!"

While all of these things are spectacular and so kind, I feel like criticism is hard to swallow. But this post isn't about that. It's about the other side of the spectrum. Insults.

I've never really been insulted to my face when it comes to performance. I don't know what I would do if that happened. Maybe cry, maybe stare, or hopefully scream "FUCK OFF!" in the persons face.

All insults I've received or taken personally have been overheard.

The worst happened today at Improv Club. We were assigned groups after the last meeting and I was put into a group with some very talented people that I respect. I was very excited. I get to work with some improvisers that I admire. What can get better than that?

The better question is, how can it get worse than this?
We did our scene with the classic montage style and it was going okay.

I feel like I should take a second to confess one thing: I'm struggling with improv. Truly. I'm having a hard time with it most days. I'm in classes and am continuing to perform and practice but I'm struggling. I'm not as good as I want to be. But I know if I just keep going, I'll get better and enjoy it more. But right now, I'm slightly insecure about my abilities.

Now with that being said, I'll go back to my previous statement.
We did our scene with the classic montage style and it was going okay. Scene were funny but not hilarious and I was trying my best. I was doing all the things I'd been learning over the past 10 weeks and I was feeling okay. The final scene was between me and one of the people I admire. We'll call him Improviser 1. We were having a normal conversation which is boring to watch but necessary to find the meaning of the scene. Eventually, another improviser came on and made a joke that landed and really heightened the scene. We'll call him Improviser 2. Yay for labeling.But the scene was awesome with that addition. Then someone called scene and the show was over. We all took a bow. I felt okay about the 8 minutes and exited the stage.
BUT as I contently walked to my seat, my ear caught this.
Improviser 1 to Improviser 2 exasperatedly, "Thanks for that."

In my ear, at that moment, I heard, "Thanks for saving me from that scene."

I was devastated. I was an improviser that my scene partner needed to be saved from. Ouch. I had to fight the tears.  I mean I know the scene wasn't going well, but it's not like I walked on stage and said, "You're my brother, lets have sex!"

I'm trying my damndest not to take this so personally but it's proving difficult.
I'm not the best improviser but I'm trying. I'm listening and heightening and FUCKING TRYING.

I mean no ill will to the Improviser 1. I'm just realizing that I'm headed straight into a world I've never been before. A world where no one is going to respect me until I show them I can be respected. It's an odd realization but one that needed to be shared.

I will use this experience to fuel me. I will be better next time. I will make stronger choices and be more interesting. I will be better. Because apparently trying isn't good enough.

Thanks for listening. Come back for more.