Last Thursday, I was skyping my dear friend Cydnie Hampton. For those that don't know her, she is the New York version of me, only better.
We were talking about my current relationship and I told her that my boyfriend and I have been officially together for almost 2 months. She then asked how long we had been "talking".
I sat back for a second and counted the months. From March to November is 7 months. I said this number out loud. She was shocked, as was I. Could it really have been that long? I did take into account that he was gone for 3 months during the summer but we still remained "together." Even with him not physically here, I thought about how I have thought about him every day for the last 7 months. There hasn't been a day without his face popping into my head in over half a year. 4 months together, and 3 months apart. I, honestly, have forgotten that he was gone. Every once and a while, I'll have an out of body experience when I'm laying in his bed with his arms squeezing my tiny frame. I realize that I spent a whole summer longing for these moments and worrying that they wouldn't happen when he got back. I was terrified. Now I have a bag full of toiletries at his place I call my "Sunnyside Survival Kit," and a pair of UK pajama pants for the extra cold nights.
Cydnie then asked a question that I remember asking Jordan Cohen about her much longer term relationship of two and a half years.
"How do you do it? How do you stay with someone that long?"
My answer was along these lines:
"Well he asked me out, we went on a date, I wanted to see him again, so I did. Then I wanted to see him again, so I did. Then I wanted to see him again, so I did. And BAM, 7 months later here we are."
That's the only way I can describe the way I feel. I want to see him. I want to wake up next to him. I want him in my life. For right now, that's how I'm "doing it". I just keep saying yes.
Maybe it will get complicated. Maybe we'll soon find out a huge monster of a reason we will never work. Maybe, maybe, maybe. I'm done living by maybes. Especially in romance and love. I'm done planning and plotting. I'm done trying to make people stay and just enjoying them while they're here. I'm done being haunted by the 'what ifs'.
We're a we as long as we will be. I can't be anything but grateful.
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
Thursday, October 1, 2015
A Public Apology
Columbia College Improv Club is a place where I grew as a person and as an improviser. From September through May, I spent many of the Fridays in between performing, learning and improving. I met and bonded with many of my, now, good friends there. I've loved Improv Club and it has loved me right back. But that love was earned. The first months I was in Improv Club, doubt clouded my abilities. I would often fight to keep tears back in the short elevator ride from the lobby to my apartment. It was hard to be bad and feel like I was never going to get better. I had friends there and they helped me get comfortable but it took many, many months.
At the end of Improv Club last year, I decided, well actually I was told by a few people, to run for E-Board. This would mean I would be one of the leaders and decision makers. I knew if I did become a part of this wonderful group of leaders, one of my main goals would be to help new members not feel the way I felt. I didn't really care what else happened as long as we created a welcoming environment. I couldn't forget the many days I spent in my room crying over my inadequacies. I didn't want others to feel this way. In the meetings leading up to this year, we talked extensively about creating the environment where people could play and be themselves and fuck up without feeling like death.
Up until 30 minutes ago, I believed the first two meetings were successful in this regard. It was a positive environment where most, if not, all were having a good time. I was feeling really good about club and was excited about the community that was being created. I have even run into many of the members at events out in the city! I drunkenly tried to cut them in line at Second City but that's a completely different story that fills me with guilt. ANYWAY, All of the board members and I were feeling really great and optimistic about this year.
30 minutes ago, I saw the president of Improv Club on the street and he asked to have a word with me. He began to tell me of how one of our former members, who is now an RA, was asking his residents who went to Improv Club how it went. They said they didn't think they would be returning. Confused because he had heard and seen that it was going well, he asked why. They told him that one of the leaders had said that their set was the worst set she had ever seen.
Surprise, surprise that was me. I said that, I will not deny that. Out of context, that is terrible and inexcusable. In the context, it was a joke that was established early in the meeting. One of my fellow board members had used a term in an example that I did not like and I joked that you can't do anything wrong except use that term. I believe it was "Sweet Tots." We laughed about this then later in the montage the members above were a part of, that same board member used the term, to which I thought everyone caught and was laughing at. After their set when the board members typically give feedback, I said the statement above, assuming everyone knew what I was talking about. Many people laughed and we moved on to real, positive critiques and observations.
Obviously this was a joke and with the given context, it would have been funny. But I'm going to apologize to those who do return tomorrow. Mostly because I remember a time when I heard a comment with similar context and spent the rest of the day over analyzing what I had done wrong. My goal was to try to create an environment where that happened less. I ended up being the one to create hostility and doubt. I'm so sorry for this. If anyone from club reads this, I want you to know that I am deeply sorry for contributing to the self-abuse that many of us already endure on a daily basis. That was not my intention. I just got carried away with my dear friend and forgot my duty. It will never happen, intentionally, again. But as Hannah Montana sang into my soul, "Everybody makes mistakes." Yes, Hannah, yes they do.
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
At the end of Improv Club last year, I decided, well actually I was told by a few people, to run for E-Board. This would mean I would be one of the leaders and decision makers. I knew if I did become a part of this wonderful group of leaders, one of my main goals would be to help new members not feel the way I felt. I didn't really care what else happened as long as we created a welcoming environment. I couldn't forget the many days I spent in my room crying over my inadequacies. I didn't want others to feel this way. In the meetings leading up to this year, we talked extensively about creating the environment where people could play and be themselves and fuck up without feeling like death.
Up until 30 minutes ago, I believed the first two meetings were successful in this regard. It was a positive environment where most, if not, all were having a good time. I was feeling really good about club and was excited about the community that was being created. I have even run into many of the members at events out in the city! I drunkenly tried to cut them in line at Second City but that's a completely different story that fills me with guilt. ANYWAY, All of the board members and I were feeling really great and optimistic about this year.
30 minutes ago, I saw the president of Improv Club on the street and he asked to have a word with me. He began to tell me of how one of our former members, who is now an RA, was asking his residents who went to Improv Club how it went. They said they didn't think they would be returning. Confused because he had heard and seen that it was going well, he asked why. They told him that one of the leaders had said that their set was the worst set she had ever seen.
Surprise, surprise that was me. I said that, I will not deny that. Out of context, that is terrible and inexcusable. In the context, it was a joke that was established early in the meeting. One of my fellow board members had used a term in an example that I did not like and I joked that you can't do anything wrong except use that term. I believe it was "Sweet Tots." We laughed about this then later in the montage the members above were a part of, that same board member used the term, to which I thought everyone caught and was laughing at. After their set when the board members typically give feedback, I said the statement above, assuming everyone knew what I was talking about. Many people laughed and we moved on to real, positive critiques and observations.
Obviously this was a joke and with the given context, it would have been funny. But I'm going to apologize to those who do return tomorrow. Mostly because I remember a time when I heard a comment with similar context and spent the rest of the day over analyzing what I had done wrong. My goal was to try to create an environment where that happened less. I ended up being the one to create hostility and doubt. I'm so sorry for this. If anyone from club reads this, I want you to know that I am deeply sorry for contributing to the self-abuse that many of us already endure on a daily basis. That was not my intention. I just got carried away with my dear friend and forgot my duty. It will never happen, intentionally, again. But as Hannah Montana sang into my soul, "Everybody makes mistakes." Yes, Hannah, yes they do.
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
Wednesday, September 16, 2015
I Loved My Crack Den
I haven't posted anything on here in over a month. I haven't felt a strong inclination to write a blog, a joke, or a story. Nowadays, I mostly write about how I can't write.
Even as I was typing that, I wanted to stop and curl up in a ball.
I'm incredibly sad for some reason. This summer, I had the best time being a 21 year old in the city. I was really and truly happy. It radiated off of my skin. I loved the mattress I slept on that resided comfortably on the floor of the room I lovingly referred to as my "Crack Den". I loved my job babysitting drunk middle aged out of towners. I loved the Chinese place down the street's ability to make my General Tso's with haste. I loved my life in Uptown. I was really feeling like myself.
Around mid-August, I started to notice I was just going through the motions. For the most part, all I wanted to do was stay in bed or get drunk/high or be with the boy's bed drinking/getting high. The passion and excitement of summer had faded away slowly and seamlessly.
The idea of writing a joke right now fills me with anxiety and fear. I'm not the kind of comedian who writes EVERYDAY but I can typically come up with at least one bad joke a week. Every time I try, it turns into a rant about something like women's rights or gun violence that isn't insightful, just aggressive.
I find that when I'm out with people, I feel great. I love talking and joking with my friends. I also really love my job. It's the only job I've ever had where I can forget everything that's happening in my personal life and enjoy my work. It's one of the rare times when I really feel like myself.
But then when I get home to the silence, I can only hear my sad, negative thoughts.
I've started to really doubt myself as a person. You're not a good person. You don't stand for anything. You aren't helping anyone. You're a bad friend. You're the reason none of your relationships ever work out. You're not funny. You're shit. It's gotten bad. The kind of bad that hasn't happened in a very long time.
I don't have a conclusion because I'm still trying to figure it out. I don't even know why I felt so compelled to write this. Maybe I need help. Maybe I need to stop telling people I'm fine. Maybe I'm repressing something. I'm really not sure. Perhaps I'll wake up tomorrow and feel perfectly fine and be embarrassed that I ever posted this. We'll see.
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
Even as I was typing that, I wanted to stop and curl up in a ball.
I'm incredibly sad for some reason. This summer, I had the best time being a 21 year old in the city. I was really and truly happy. It radiated off of my skin. I loved the mattress I slept on that resided comfortably on the floor of the room I lovingly referred to as my "Crack Den". I loved my job babysitting drunk middle aged out of towners. I loved the Chinese place down the street's ability to make my General Tso's with haste. I loved my life in Uptown. I was really feeling like myself.
Around mid-August, I started to notice I was just going through the motions. For the most part, all I wanted to do was stay in bed or get drunk/high or be with the boy's bed drinking/getting high. The passion and excitement of summer had faded away slowly and seamlessly.
The idea of writing a joke right now fills me with anxiety and fear. I'm not the kind of comedian who writes EVERYDAY but I can typically come up with at least one bad joke a week. Every time I try, it turns into a rant about something like women's rights or gun violence that isn't insightful, just aggressive.
I find that when I'm out with people, I feel great. I love talking and joking with my friends. I also really love my job. It's the only job I've ever had where I can forget everything that's happening in my personal life and enjoy my work. It's one of the rare times when I really feel like myself.
But then when I get home to the silence, I can only hear my sad, negative thoughts.
I've started to really doubt myself as a person. You're not a good person. You don't stand for anything. You aren't helping anyone. You're a bad friend. You're the reason none of your relationships ever work out. You're not funny. You're shit. It's gotten bad. The kind of bad that hasn't happened in a very long time.
I don't have a conclusion because I'm still trying to figure it out. I don't even know why I felt so compelled to write this. Maybe I need help. Maybe I need to stop telling people I'm fine. Maybe I'm repressing something. I'm really not sure. Perhaps I'll wake up tomorrow and feel perfectly fine and be embarrassed that I ever posted this. We'll see.
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
Great Sexpectations
"Expectation is the root of all heartbreak." -Billy Shakes
Oh Bill. You were wiser than the many anal jokes you made in your plays. Now to the real reason I quoted this man:
Before August 16th, I was ridden with expectations. Before August 16th, I could be found on the train daydreaming about August 16th. Before August 16th, I was sure August 16th would be a day for the record books.
On August 16th, I slept on a mattress pad with the person I waited for all summer.
On August 18th, I cried because August 16th didn't go down exactly how I imagined it.
Expectations are a bitch. I always imagined that the night this boy came back, I'd walk up to his door, press the buzzer, hear his footsteps and see his handsome new beard smiling at me when the door opened. I imagined we would say "Hi" and then hug so hard our arms would fall off, we would kiss, I would feel his beard with my hands and be smiling the entire time. This would cease only to walk up the stairs into the apartment. Once in the apartment, I imagined an impassioned montage of clothes removal and stumbling over said clothing. We would then fall into bed and make love as if we'd both just been in prison for 20+ years.
As you can probably predict, that is not how it went down. Now, I was aware that some of this was very outlandish but the first part didn't seem too out there in my brain so that is what I hoped for once the day came around. I was at work all day and didn't really even remember that I was going over there until I got to the last bar and began my final speech.
After an hour bus ride, I had arrived at the most exciting part of August 16th. I walked up the front steps and had to tell myself to relax my breathing. I was just so freakin excited! I pressed the buzzer, I waited, took deeper breaths and heard the footsteps coming down the stairs. My heart began to flutter in a very story book way as the door opened. At first, I saw no one. It was the classic "Hide behind the door to freak them out" bit and I laughed. I was still expecting to see the face of the man I was here to be with. Instead, his roommate pops his face out from behind the door and smiles at me in a "GOTCHA!" sort of fashion. I almost cried. My expectations were shattered but I smiled as to not show his roommate my distress. I walk up the stairs making small talk and still saw no signs of him as I entered the apartment. I went to what I knew was his room and found him on a chair hanging up lights. I got a "Hey" which was returned with a "What's Up". He said, "Hold on, I'm going to get down and give you a hug." I responded with, "I have to go to the bathroom anyway!" I put my things down and retreated to the bathroom. I sat there, took deep breaths and told myself that it was okay. He's here. That's all you wanted. The rest of that stuff was just fluff. I returned, received a nice sweaty hug and from that moment on the evening was exactly what it was and I was happy. I had gotten rid of my expectations and began enjoying spending time with him and his roommates.
I only tell this story to point out a couple of things. It is okay to have expectations. Especially if those expectations keep you excited for an event. It only becomes not okay when you let them control you. If I would have pouted the rest of the night because I wasn't "properly greeted", that night would not have been what it became. Especially in romantic relationship, it's easy to dream up all these expectations. With the excess of romantic movies and tv shows we've grown up with, I know I personally have fallen victim to the "If this person really liked/cared/loved me, they would do it like this or do this for me like this." We have to get those thoughts out of our brain the minute we have them. They make us crazy. It makes you doubt in a really unhealthy. Be patient. If the person does care, they will show it in their own unique way. Hopefully your gut will tell you if they don't. Mine always does. I just have a really hard time listening to it sometimes.
With that, I bid you all a fond farewell for now. The school year starts soon and I'm certain it will give me plenty of things to bitch about and then learn from. If not, my $42,000 isn't really worth it. Also, yes that is the actual number I'm paying to live this life, ladies and gentleman. I know. I'm crying too.
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
Oh Bill. You were wiser than the many anal jokes you made in your plays. Now to the real reason I quoted this man:
Before August 16th, I was ridden with expectations. Before August 16th, I could be found on the train daydreaming about August 16th. Before August 16th, I was sure August 16th would be a day for the record books.
On August 16th, I slept on a mattress pad with the person I waited for all summer.
On August 18th, I cried because August 16th didn't go down exactly how I imagined it.
Expectations are a bitch. I always imagined that the night this boy came back, I'd walk up to his door, press the buzzer, hear his footsteps and see his handsome new beard smiling at me when the door opened. I imagined we would say "Hi" and then hug so hard our arms would fall off, we would kiss, I would feel his beard with my hands and be smiling the entire time. This would cease only to walk up the stairs into the apartment. Once in the apartment, I imagined an impassioned montage of clothes removal and stumbling over said clothing. We would then fall into bed and make love as if we'd both just been in prison for 20+ years.
As you can probably predict, that is not how it went down. Now, I was aware that some of this was very outlandish but the first part didn't seem too out there in my brain so that is what I hoped for once the day came around. I was at work all day and didn't really even remember that I was going over there until I got to the last bar and began my final speech.
After an hour bus ride, I had arrived at the most exciting part of August 16th. I walked up the front steps and had to tell myself to relax my breathing. I was just so freakin excited! I pressed the buzzer, I waited, took deeper breaths and heard the footsteps coming down the stairs. My heart began to flutter in a very story book way as the door opened. At first, I saw no one. It was the classic "Hide behind the door to freak them out" bit and I laughed. I was still expecting to see the face of the man I was here to be with. Instead, his roommate pops his face out from behind the door and smiles at me in a "GOTCHA!" sort of fashion. I almost cried. My expectations were shattered but I smiled as to not show his roommate my distress. I walk up the stairs making small talk and still saw no signs of him as I entered the apartment. I went to what I knew was his room and found him on a chair hanging up lights. I got a "Hey" which was returned with a "What's Up". He said, "Hold on, I'm going to get down and give you a hug." I responded with, "I have to go to the bathroom anyway!" I put my things down and retreated to the bathroom. I sat there, took deep breaths and told myself that it was okay. He's here. That's all you wanted. The rest of that stuff was just fluff. I returned, received a nice sweaty hug and from that moment on the evening was exactly what it was and I was happy. I had gotten rid of my expectations and began enjoying spending time with him and his roommates.
I only tell this story to point out a couple of things. It is okay to have expectations. Especially if those expectations keep you excited for an event. It only becomes not okay when you let them control you. If I would have pouted the rest of the night because I wasn't "properly greeted", that night would not have been what it became. Especially in romantic relationship, it's easy to dream up all these expectations. With the excess of romantic movies and tv shows we've grown up with, I know I personally have fallen victim to the "If this person really liked/cared/loved me, they would do it like this or do this for me like this." We have to get those thoughts out of our brain the minute we have them. They make us crazy. It makes you doubt in a really unhealthy. Be patient. If the person does care, they will show it in their own unique way. Hopefully your gut will tell you if they don't. Mine always does. I just have a really hard time listening to it sometimes.
With that, I bid you all a fond farewell for now. The school year starts soon and I'm certain it will give me plenty of things to bitch about and then learn from. If not, my $42,000 isn't really worth it. Also, yes that is the actual number I'm paying to live this life, ladies and gentleman. I know. I'm crying too.
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
Taylor Swift and Me
I love Taylor Swift. I love her music. I love her style. I love her.
This is a common fact for those who know me well but I don't know if I've ever brought it up on this blog. Taylor Swift is important to me because her music has helped me through some of the hardest and most beautiful moments of my life. To help you understand, I'm going to get very specific and drop a few names from my past. Get ready. This post is also going to be long and detailed. I will leave very few stones unturned. You will know a lot about me and my relationships by the time you're done reading. I hope you stick around until the end because it will all have the moral.
In 2008, I was on MySpace looking at my friend Taylor's (weird coincidence) page and all of a sudden I heard this country sounding guitar. I looked at her profile song and there was a picture of a girl, not much older than me, with blonde curly hair. I listened to the song titled, "Teardrops On My Guitar" I listened and related immediately because at that time, and for many years before, I had been pining over a guy by the name of Scotty Snarr. He was a jerk to me but I wanted him to love me. The song didn't fit perfectly because we were not friends. In fact, we were enemies. It was a classic case of "Helga from Hey Arnold" love sickness. I listened to this song many times and then looked into the singer whose name was Taylor Swift.
Fast forward to when I had to break up with Cory Wiley. Corey Wiley and I dated for many months my sophomore year of his school. Cory was a senior and we did not mesh well. I believe the reason I dated him was he had a shocking resemblance to George Harrison. He made me laugh in the beginning but then we started to get bored with each other. I can't say a bad word about Cory because he treated me really well and loved me very much, it just wasn't mutual. Breaking up with Cory took two tries and my girl Tay Swift was there for both. In the weeks leading up to our break up, I listened to "Breathe" on repeat. With the lyric, "Never wanted this, never wanna see you hurt, every little bump in the road I tried to swerve, people are people and sometimes it doesn't work out, nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out." I knew I had to do it. We cried. We broke up. It was long and painful. I literally sent him into the cold.
A couple of weeks later, I got very lonely. I wanted him back and my girl had just released a song called "Back to December." This song was perfect. We broke up in December. He gave me roses. I left them there to die. It was freaky how accurate this song was.
"You gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye."
We dated for another 2 months, went to prom, and I broke up with him over text after not hanging out with him for an entire month. Not my proudest moment but the whole relationship was a lesson in not settling because of loneliness. I'm sorry for hurting you, Cory.
The section of my life so incredibly influenced by Taylor Swift was when I in and falling out of love with Matthew James Ross. The summer before my senior year of high school, I began dating Matt. Reluctantly at first, I slowly but surely fell in love with this kid and fell hard. We spent almost every day together for six months. He opened doors, he paid for meals, he called every night. He was a real gentleman, we were a real "we" and I was in love. I told him everything and for the first time I saw a future with someone. We fought and joked and kissed. Our song was "Just A Kiss" by Lady Antebellum but my song for him was "Mine" by T-Swizzle. At a time when was still very angry with the way my father lived his life, I didn't want anything to do with love before Matt. I had an idea that everyone that loved me would just leave when things got tough. I truly believed Matt wouldn't. This song is describing exactly that. "You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter, you are the best thing that's ever been mine." I would have tattooed that onto my skin at that point of my life.
Months later, Matt would leave. We were in my 2004 Pontiac Grand Am parked in his driveway. He stared at me for a long time with the words, "I'm sorry" riddled in his gazed. Eventually, I asked him, "Are you breaking up with me?" Then the words escaped his eyes and tears escaped mine. After a minute of shock and tears, I began saying, "If we're breaking up, get out of my car." I drove home but weirdly stopped crying almost immediately after I turned off of his street. It was strange but I think I was in shock.
For the next month, the song "Last Kiss" would become my anthem. This was so perfect I couldn't handle it. The bridge of this song makes me cry even to this day. "So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep, I'll feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe, and I'll keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are." That is one of the most beautiful break up lyrics of all time. Another lyric of the song that I followed to a T was, "So I'll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes." I had a sweatshirt of his that I sobbed into for a week before giving it back to him at lunch one day. This song helped me cry it out and really feel the pain of losing someone you love.
Soon my sadness turned to anger. Matt and I were also in the same youth group. Our friends were all friends. So I fell in love with a song called, "The Story of Us." The lyric that I remember singing into my hairbrush before school was, "I'm starting to think one day I'll tell the story of us how I was losing my mind when I saw you here, but you held your pride like you should've held me" That lyric was perfect already but became even more perfect when he later told me he didn't get back with me because he didn't want his parents, who told him that breaking up with me was a mistake, to be right. An honorable mention from this song, "This is looking like a contest of who can act like they careless." Because holy shit it was.
In high school, Taylor released a song called "Mean." "Mean" was the song that represents my middle school experience. This song was not out when I was in middle school but once I heard it, it became my anthem. "Some day I'll be living in a big ole city, and all you're ever gonna be is mean, some day I'll be big enough so you can't hit me and all you're ever gonna be is mean." Quick update, I did move to a big ole city and the people that made my life hell, are still just mean.
Now I'm going to leave a name out for the sake of respect:
When I was 19, I had a sexual relationship with a 23 year old man who thought I was too young to date. Let me re-phrase that. I was too young to date but old enough to fuck. To make matters worse, he did the same to many of my friends and we all were too naive to know until it was too late. He really hurt me for a long time and my song for him was "Dear John." This song is, again, PERFECT, "Dear John, I see it all now, it was wrong, don't you think 19's too young to be played by your dark twisted games when I loved you so, I should've known...never impressed by me acing your tests, all the girls that you've run dry have tired lifeless eyes cause you burned them out." It even said my age, people! She is the goddess of lyrics.
Then something magical happened. RED came out. RED is my favorite album, even more so than 1989. This is her best break up album. This came out in a time of my life that I was so confused about love. I thought the only thing it did was hurt you and leave you in the gutter wounded, salty. This album gave me a new hope. RED taught me that we all hurt but that's not a reason to stop being yourself. I had about 3 flings in the time of RED and I identified a bunch of different songs with each. But never really connected too deeply with the actually stories of RED.
Then came along Charles Wayne Boyles and RED made sense. Especially the song, "Red", the opening lyric, "Loving him was like driving a new Maserati down a dead end street, faster than the wind passionate as sin ending so suddenly." I knew from the beginning this thing wouldn't end too well so that song understood how it felt to be that in love that quickly.
After our break up, the song "All Too Well" became a trigger song. I still cry when this song comes on in the shower. This song contains my favorite lyric not only of Taylor Swift's but of all time. "You tell me about your past thinking your future was me."
This song captures gaining and losing love in a way no one else has been able to for me. For many months, this lyric, "Time won't fly it's like I'm paralyzed by it, I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it, after plaid shirt days and nights where you made me your own." was the way I felt about this failed relationship. I had become used to having him around to comfort me and help me. I lost myself in making him happy and forgot that I'm a person with needs to and he didn't meet them. I asked for a letter, he gave me a picture of a lamp.
Then something else happened while I was in the middle of this odd on and off sexual and emotional relationship with Charles. 1989 came to the world in screaming color. "Out of the Woods" became my song for him. The song asked two simple questions, "Are we out of the woods yet?...Are we in the clear yet?" This relationship felt like that song sounded. When would we really be done with each other? When would we finally move on? When would we get over the fact that this thing wasn't going to work?
"When the sun came up you were looking at me." reminding me of the many nights we spent together followed by many mornings. Charles was the first relationship that felt adult-like. We didn't have parents telling us we couldn't be in each others rooms or that we couldn't touch on the couch. I woke up next to him often and felt so happy.
The demise of Charles and I could only be explained in one song. Any guesses? "Clean" is the last track on her album and was on repeat on my iPod during the Megabus ride home after we decided not to speak anymore. "It was months and months of back and forth, you're still all over me like a wine stained dress I can't wear anymore." and "By morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean." were among the best parts. I was finally free to live the life I wanted without pining over him. It felt good and this song helped me feel better.
Another song I must mention is Blank Space. This song was huge in my life. I listened to this song at least 3 times a day. This song came out at a time when I was feeling like every relationship I'd been in was meant to burn down in flames. Though she wrote this satirically, I related. All my relationships seemed to end in similar ways and this song sort of followed the pattern. I would often replace the lyric, "Find out what you want, be that girl for a month," with "be that girl for 3 months." because many of my flings lasted exactly 3 months, no joke. Singing this song was great way to get out all that aggression I felt for my failed relationships. It helped me laugh at them and see them as just blips on the radar of my life.
On December 10th, 2015, I received a call that David Michaels had died. He was my best friend for over 2 years in Ohio. We got in a fight of sorts and I walked out of his life. 10 months later, he killed himself and I'm still having a hard time forgiving myself. Much to my surprise, Taylor Swift helped this situation as well. Her song, "I Wish You Would," described how I felt. "I wish you would come back, wish I never hung up the phone like I did, I wish you knew that I'll never forget you as long as I live, and I wish you were right here right now, its all good, I wish you would...I wish we could go back and remember what we were fighting for and I wish you knew that I miss you too much to be mad anymore, wish you were right here right now, it's all good, I wish you would." Those were the words running through my brain for 3 months.
Today, I'm "with" someone and still find songs of hers that remind me of him. The song, "Come Back Be Here" which is a bonus track from RED is my current song. This one is a bit sadder than I feel but she captures the feeling of long distance very well. "We stumble through the long goodbye, one last kiss then catch your flight, right when I was just about to fall, I told myself, don't get attached, but in my mind I play it back, spinning faster than the plane that took you, this is when the feeling sets in, I don't wanna miss you like this." Spot on for the days I haven't heard from him in days, wondering if things will be the same when he gets back.
Okay. We've made it to the end and the moral. Taylor Swift is more than a pop star to me and many people. She has taught me to be honest, feel what you feel and turn it into art. So if anyone ever wonders what my obsession is with her, I can tell them to read this and understand how when I listen to her music, I feel like someone is on my side. I feel the pain in the songs and then often have a moment of clarity. She's grown up with me. I feel like she goes through the exact same feeling and emotions as me but years earlier and then releases the album as I'm going through it. It's a magical effect she has on my life and I can't wait to grow old with her and her music.
Also I might get my hair cut like her.......
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
This is a common fact for those who know me well but I don't know if I've ever brought it up on this blog. Taylor Swift is important to me because her music has helped me through some of the hardest and most beautiful moments of my life. To help you understand, I'm going to get very specific and drop a few names from my past. Get ready. This post is also going to be long and detailed. I will leave very few stones unturned. You will know a lot about me and my relationships by the time you're done reading. I hope you stick around until the end because it will all have the moral.
In 2008, I was on MySpace looking at my friend Taylor's (weird coincidence) page and all of a sudden I heard this country sounding guitar. I looked at her profile song and there was a picture of a girl, not much older than me, with blonde curly hair. I listened to the song titled, "Teardrops On My Guitar" I listened and related immediately because at that time, and for many years before, I had been pining over a guy by the name of Scotty Snarr. He was a jerk to me but I wanted him to love me. The song didn't fit perfectly because we were not friends. In fact, we were enemies. It was a classic case of "Helga from Hey Arnold" love sickness. I listened to this song many times and then looked into the singer whose name was Taylor Swift.
Fast forward to when I had to break up with Cory Wiley. Corey Wiley and I dated for many months my sophomore year of his school. Cory was a senior and we did not mesh well. I believe the reason I dated him was he had a shocking resemblance to George Harrison. He made me laugh in the beginning but then we started to get bored with each other. I can't say a bad word about Cory because he treated me really well and loved me very much, it just wasn't mutual. Breaking up with Cory took two tries and my girl Tay Swift was there for both. In the weeks leading up to our break up, I listened to "Breathe" on repeat. With the lyric, "Never wanted this, never wanna see you hurt, every little bump in the road I tried to swerve, people are people and sometimes it doesn't work out, nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out." I knew I had to do it. We cried. We broke up. It was long and painful. I literally sent him into the cold.
A couple of weeks later, I got very lonely. I wanted him back and my girl had just released a song called "Back to December." This song was perfect. We broke up in December. He gave me roses. I left them there to die. It was freaky how accurate this song was.
"You gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye."
We dated for another 2 months, went to prom, and I broke up with him over text after not hanging out with him for an entire month. Not my proudest moment but the whole relationship was a lesson in not settling because of loneliness. I'm sorry for hurting you, Cory.
The section of my life so incredibly influenced by Taylor Swift was when I in and falling out of love with Matthew James Ross. The summer before my senior year of high school, I began dating Matt. Reluctantly at first, I slowly but surely fell in love with this kid and fell hard. We spent almost every day together for six months. He opened doors, he paid for meals, he called every night. He was a real gentleman, we were a real "we" and I was in love. I told him everything and for the first time I saw a future with someone. We fought and joked and kissed. Our song was "Just A Kiss" by Lady Antebellum but my song for him was "Mine" by T-Swizzle. At a time when was still very angry with the way my father lived his life, I didn't want anything to do with love before Matt. I had an idea that everyone that loved me would just leave when things got tough. I truly believed Matt wouldn't. This song is describing exactly that. "You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter, you are the best thing that's ever been mine." I would have tattooed that onto my skin at that point of my life.
Months later, Matt would leave. We were in my 2004 Pontiac Grand Am parked in his driveway. He stared at me for a long time with the words, "I'm sorry" riddled in his gazed. Eventually, I asked him, "Are you breaking up with me?" Then the words escaped his eyes and tears escaped mine. After a minute of shock and tears, I began saying, "If we're breaking up, get out of my car." I drove home but weirdly stopped crying almost immediately after I turned off of his street. It was strange but I think I was in shock.
For the next month, the song "Last Kiss" would become my anthem. This was so perfect I couldn't handle it. The bridge of this song makes me cry even to this day. "So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep, I'll feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe, and I'll keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are." That is one of the most beautiful break up lyrics of all time. Another lyric of the song that I followed to a T was, "So I'll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes." I had a sweatshirt of his that I sobbed into for a week before giving it back to him at lunch one day. This song helped me cry it out and really feel the pain of losing someone you love.
Soon my sadness turned to anger. Matt and I were also in the same youth group. Our friends were all friends. So I fell in love with a song called, "The Story of Us." The lyric that I remember singing into my hairbrush before school was, "I'm starting to think one day I'll tell the story of us how I was losing my mind when I saw you here, but you held your pride like you should've held me" That lyric was perfect already but became even more perfect when he later told me he didn't get back with me because he didn't want his parents, who told him that breaking up with me was a mistake, to be right. An honorable mention from this song, "This is looking like a contest of who can act like they careless." Because holy shit it was.
In high school, Taylor released a song called "Mean." "Mean" was the song that represents my middle school experience. This song was not out when I was in middle school but once I heard it, it became my anthem. "Some day I'll be living in a big ole city, and all you're ever gonna be is mean, some day I'll be big enough so you can't hit me and all you're ever gonna be is mean." Quick update, I did move to a big ole city and the people that made my life hell, are still just mean.
Now I'm going to leave a name out for the sake of respect:
When I was 19, I had a sexual relationship with a 23 year old man who thought I was too young to date. Let me re-phrase that. I was too young to date but old enough to fuck. To make matters worse, he did the same to many of my friends and we all were too naive to know until it was too late. He really hurt me for a long time and my song for him was "Dear John." This song is, again, PERFECT, "Dear John, I see it all now, it was wrong, don't you think 19's too young to be played by your dark twisted games when I loved you so, I should've known...never impressed by me acing your tests, all the girls that you've run dry have tired lifeless eyes cause you burned them out." It even said my age, people! She is the goddess of lyrics.
Then something magical happened. RED came out. RED is my favorite album, even more so than 1989. This is her best break up album. This came out in a time of my life that I was so confused about love. I thought the only thing it did was hurt you and leave you in the gutter wounded, salty. This album gave me a new hope. RED taught me that we all hurt but that's not a reason to stop being yourself. I had about 3 flings in the time of RED and I identified a bunch of different songs with each. But never really connected too deeply with the actually stories of RED.
Then came along Charles Wayne Boyles and RED made sense. Especially the song, "Red", the opening lyric, "Loving him was like driving a new Maserati down a dead end street, faster than the wind passionate as sin ending so suddenly." I knew from the beginning this thing wouldn't end too well so that song understood how it felt to be that in love that quickly.
After our break up, the song "All Too Well" became a trigger song. I still cry when this song comes on in the shower. This song contains my favorite lyric not only of Taylor Swift's but of all time. "You tell me about your past thinking your future was me."
This song captures gaining and losing love in a way no one else has been able to for me. For many months, this lyric, "Time won't fly it's like I'm paralyzed by it, I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it, after plaid shirt days and nights where you made me your own." was the way I felt about this failed relationship. I had become used to having him around to comfort me and help me. I lost myself in making him happy and forgot that I'm a person with needs to and he didn't meet them. I asked for a letter, he gave me a picture of a lamp.
Then something else happened while I was in the middle of this odd on and off sexual and emotional relationship with Charles. 1989 came to the world in screaming color. "Out of the Woods" became my song for him. The song asked two simple questions, "Are we out of the woods yet?...Are we in the clear yet?" This relationship felt like that song sounded. When would we really be done with each other? When would we finally move on? When would we get over the fact that this thing wasn't going to work?
"When the sun came up you were looking at me." reminding me of the many nights we spent together followed by many mornings. Charles was the first relationship that felt adult-like. We didn't have parents telling us we couldn't be in each others rooms or that we couldn't touch on the couch. I woke up next to him often and felt so happy.
The demise of Charles and I could only be explained in one song. Any guesses? "Clean" is the last track on her album and was on repeat on my iPod during the Megabus ride home after we decided not to speak anymore. "It was months and months of back and forth, you're still all over me like a wine stained dress I can't wear anymore." and "By morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean." were among the best parts. I was finally free to live the life I wanted without pining over him. It felt good and this song helped me feel better.
Another song I must mention is Blank Space. This song was huge in my life. I listened to this song at least 3 times a day. This song came out at a time when I was feeling like every relationship I'd been in was meant to burn down in flames. Though she wrote this satirically, I related. All my relationships seemed to end in similar ways and this song sort of followed the pattern. I would often replace the lyric, "Find out what you want, be that girl for a month," with "be that girl for 3 months." because many of my flings lasted exactly 3 months, no joke. Singing this song was great way to get out all that aggression I felt for my failed relationships. It helped me laugh at them and see them as just blips on the radar of my life.
On December 10th, 2015, I received a call that David Michaels had died. He was my best friend for over 2 years in Ohio. We got in a fight of sorts and I walked out of his life. 10 months later, he killed himself and I'm still having a hard time forgiving myself. Much to my surprise, Taylor Swift helped this situation as well. Her song, "I Wish You Would," described how I felt. "I wish you would come back, wish I never hung up the phone like I did, I wish you knew that I'll never forget you as long as I live, and I wish you were right here right now, its all good, I wish you would...I wish we could go back and remember what we were fighting for and I wish you knew that I miss you too much to be mad anymore, wish you were right here right now, it's all good, I wish you would." Those were the words running through my brain for 3 months.
Today, I'm "with" someone and still find songs of hers that remind me of him. The song, "Come Back Be Here" which is a bonus track from RED is my current song. This one is a bit sadder than I feel but she captures the feeling of long distance very well. "We stumble through the long goodbye, one last kiss then catch your flight, right when I was just about to fall, I told myself, don't get attached, but in my mind I play it back, spinning faster than the plane that took you, this is when the feeling sets in, I don't wanna miss you like this." Spot on for the days I haven't heard from him in days, wondering if things will be the same when he gets back.
Okay. We've made it to the end and the moral. Taylor Swift is more than a pop star to me and many people. She has taught me to be honest, feel what you feel and turn it into art. So if anyone ever wonders what my obsession is with her, I can tell them to read this and understand how when I listen to her music, I feel like someone is on my side. I feel the pain in the songs and then often have a moment of clarity. She's grown up with me. I feel like she goes through the exact same feeling and emotions as me but years earlier and then releases the album as I'm going through it. It's a magical effect she has on my life and I can't wait to grow old with her and her music.
Also I might get my hair cut like her.......
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
Monday, July 13, 2015
Happy Birthday Jordan Lee Cohen.
Dear Jordan,
I'm a terrible friend and haven't gotten you anything yet for your birthday, not even a card. So to appease this transgression, I'm devoting an entire blog post to you.
The first time I saw your beautiful face was on September 2nd, 2014 in Jeff Grigg's Improvisational Techniques 1 class. You were wearing a dress I believe and had a flame in your eyes for the art of improv. I remember thinking while we were warming up, "Fuck, this girl is good."
Fast forward to you, on September 7th, 2014, messaging me on Facebook asking to go to the free improv set at Second City. You always thought it was weird that you did that but I was glad. I have always known that you were the kind of person I wanted to be around.
Jordan Lee Cohen, I often tell you this, but you inspire me on a daily basis. From the way you work, to the way you love other people, I'm always in awe of you. There have been so many times that I've needed you and you've always been there for me. Half of the time it was you saying, "Stop that, dummy." Other times it was a quiet and loving, "You are going to be okay."
My favorite thing about our relationship is that I believe with my whole heart that we were meant to meet and help each other through this strange transition in our lives. If I didn't have you, I might have given up a long time ago. Your presence in my life is felt every day even if we don't always talk.
One of my favorite things about you is your ability to make people feel at ease. Almost everyone you meet (Except Charles lol) feels better about themselves after having met you. You have a wonderful ability to make people feel important and cared for. This is another thing that makes you a great improviser. One of the best I've ever seen. I often imagine you on the ETC stage and it's not a far fetched fantasy, it's actually rather vivid. It will happen. Just keep going girl.
HOLY SHIT. I almost forgot to talk about the work you produce. Girl. Keep making that shit. The world needs to hear from you. Whether that's sketch, improv, or stand up, keep making stuff. You are very good at this little thing we call "comedy". People are attracted to you when you speak. I know I am. That's why I have too many videos of your beautiful red hair on my phone. I don't want to fuel your ego, but you're very talented.
On another note, I'm always proud of you. Don't ever forget that. You've come so far within the last 10 months in Chicago and you've only just begun. I'm your Chicago stage mom and will support you in all of your endeavors.
I don't know what else to say other than I'm so blessed to have you in my life and I can't wait to see what the future holds for you. Wait, I'm sorry, I can't wait to see what you yank out of the future because you are a do-er, not a dreamer.
I love you so much Jersey. I'm here as long as you want me. Thanks for letting me be a part of your life.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
LOVE,
Nickelback
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
I'm a terrible friend and haven't gotten you anything yet for your birthday, not even a card. So to appease this transgression, I'm devoting an entire blog post to you.
The first time I saw your beautiful face was on September 2nd, 2014 in Jeff Grigg's Improvisational Techniques 1 class. You were wearing a dress I believe and had a flame in your eyes for the art of improv. I remember thinking while we were warming up, "Fuck, this girl is good."
Fast forward to you, on September 7th, 2014, messaging me on Facebook asking to go to the free improv set at Second City. You always thought it was weird that you did that but I was glad. I have always known that you were the kind of person I wanted to be around.
Jordan Lee Cohen, I often tell you this, but you inspire me on a daily basis. From the way you work, to the way you love other people, I'm always in awe of you. There have been so many times that I've needed you and you've always been there for me. Half of the time it was you saying, "Stop that, dummy." Other times it was a quiet and loving, "You are going to be okay."
My favorite thing about our relationship is that I believe with my whole heart that we were meant to meet and help each other through this strange transition in our lives. If I didn't have you, I might have given up a long time ago. Your presence in my life is felt every day even if we don't always talk.
One of my favorite things about you is your ability to make people feel at ease. Almost everyone you meet (Except Charles lol) feels better about themselves after having met you. You have a wonderful ability to make people feel important and cared for. This is another thing that makes you a great improviser. One of the best I've ever seen. I often imagine you on the ETC stage and it's not a far fetched fantasy, it's actually rather vivid. It will happen. Just keep going girl.
HOLY SHIT. I almost forgot to talk about the work you produce. Girl. Keep making that shit. The world needs to hear from you. Whether that's sketch, improv, or stand up, keep making stuff. You are very good at this little thing we call "comedy". People are attracted to you when you speak. I know I am. That's why I have too many videos of your beautiful red hair on my phone. I don't want to fuel your ego, but you're very talented.
On another note, I'm always proud of you. Don't ever forget that. You've come so far within the last 10 months in Chicago and you've only just begun. I'm your Chicago stage mom and will support you in all of your endeavors.
I don't know what else to say other than I'm so blessed to have you in my life and I can't wait to see what the future holds for you. Wait, I'm sorry, I can't wait to see what you yank out of the future because you are a do-er, not a dreamer.
I love you so much Jersey. I'm here as long as you want me. Thanks for letting me be a part of your life.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
LOVE,
Nickelback
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
Thursday, July 2, 2015
Tay-Tay For the Win
I'm actually under the belief that Taylor Swift has written/will write a song for everything. Here's a song that was me about a month ago.
"This is falling in love in the cruelest way, this is falling for you when you are worlds away."
https://youtu.be/WRR1cM-l0RU
Enjoy, all you love birds in different time zones. It's a good one.
Happy Fourth of July.
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
"This is falling in love in the cruelest way, this is falling for you when you are worlds away."
https://youtu.be/WRR1cM-l0RU
Enjoy, all you love birds in different time zones. It's a good one.
Happy Fourth of July.
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
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