The Summer of 2013

This morning, I was having a conversation with my roommate about how writing helps us. As she was reading her poems to me, I was reminded of my writing past. All of a sudden, I had a flashback of writing at Riverscape Park in Dayton. That park was my sanctuary during that difficult summer and I spent many (unsafe) nights and days there writing my feelings. They were all collected in a notebook made for me by my best friend, Cydnie. After I had this epiphany, I jumped up and grabbed it from my shelf and began reading. This journal includes love letters, journal entries, stand up jokes, and a suicide note, written just in case. It was a weird summer. Some of the quotes are funny, some are sad and some are enlightening. They show where I've been and just how far I've come. So I would like to share some of these with you.

"I love coming to Riverscape. It's one of the only places in Dayton that doesn't smell like fecal matter. The flowers cover that up quite nicely. It makes me feel beautiful sitting among the flowers and trees. Like I 'm a part of the scenery. I can clear my head when I'm just scenery. I see so many different people. Families, elderly women, athletic men. All here to escape in some way or another. Even with kids yelling, it's quieter than in my head. I fight with myself. Thinking I don't matter. But I know that isn't true. I have made a difference no matter how small. I have loved and been loved."

"I'm oh so very lonely. I'm so lonely, I'm driving to OSU to bump Matt Ross in a couple of weeks. I feel like I should have sex with my first love. I need to know what he looks like naked and on top of me. I also want to know what it's like to have sex in a dorm bed. Maybe I'm trying to recreate a time when I was happy and innocent, then fuck the shit out of it. I also really want to have dorm room sex. Shoo-ing the roommate, sock on the door, the whole shabang."
(SIDE NOTE: This did not happen!)

"I'm about to watch Cydnie and Kevin perform As You Like It. It's weird to think that a year ago I was sitting in my apartment with no internet or TV and Taylor and Erin were my only "friends" in Dayton. Now I'm sitting in a park alone waiting to watch two of my best friends perform Shakespeare. This may not be the life I imagined but it sure is the one I love. One year ago, I was a virgin. Today, I'm watching the man who took my virginity play a prince and he is one of my best friends." 

 "I just gave a guy a blowjob and I don't even know his last name. This is rock bottom. But I was so drunk. And we had been giving each other "the eyes" all night. But then there's Jimmy."

"I am falling for Jimmy. He's not perfect but he's better than that. He's human."

"Jimmy and I have left the honeymoon phase. Officially."

 "I have been told my whole life, don't worship false idols, only God. But I never understood, until I realized something about myself. I don't worship idols, I fall in love with ideals. By ideals, I mean men that are 'perfect' or 'exactly what I've always wanted.' "

"I want to run away. Because that's what I do. I run. Fast enough that it seems perfect in hindsight."

"I feel like Katie is the sister my brothers always wanted. I am certain they would love a sister who plays sports and loves basketball. But I'm me. I love theater and talking about my feelings."

"May 14th 2013
I had a pregnancy scare last week. It would have been Josh's. I hated not being able to tell Cydnie or Katie but Josh and I vowed to keep our sex life to ourselves. I'm good with that."

"What if I was pregnant? Josh told me he would have stayed and moved in with me. For the first time in a long time, I felt comforted. He kept telling me, either way, we'll be fine. We will make it out alive. He was a man about it."

"Sometimes I think about what would happen if I killed myself. Would people be sad? Would they come to my funeral? What would they say? I hope I've made a difference in someone's life. That's all I want. To make a difference. However that may happen."

"Bucket List 2013
1) Live alone
2) Perform on the Second City stage (CHECK)
3) Be a Second City company member
4) Drink a beer at Lucky's (CHECK)
5) Perform stand up in Chicago (CHECK)
6)Meet Tina Fey
7) See 20 Broadway plays
8) Attend a major award show
9) Be nominated for an Oscar
10) Win an Emmy for writing
11) Be on TV
12) See John Mulaney live (CHECK)
13) See SNL in person (CHECK)
14) Buy my mom a house
15) Quit Target because of improv"


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OVER IT!

For the last couple of months, my incessant bitching about my ex, Charles, seemed exhausting. Every time I would type his name I thought, man people must be sick of me. I hated continuing to hash this out in the public forum, letting you guys watch me break down and admit some of the strongest feelings I've ever had but I felt like I had to. I know that I feel better when my feelings are typed out. That's why you'll find a 10 page document on my computer entitled, "Break Up Poetry Blah Blah Blah." I have to put it down to get it out. It's rather simple. So I wanted to give you one of my first real conclusions.

I'm over that boy now. The one I feared I would never replace. The one I imagined my life with. The one I "loved" more than anyone else. That one. I'm over him. How?, you ask. How is that possible? You talked so much about how in love you were with this man. How does that just go away? I have a simple answer that controlling people will hate: I just did.

I was on the phone with Charles last week and we were talking about something that was upsetting me and I just remember thinking, "This is it. You're done." Not in a, he's a piece of shit, kind of I'm done. Just a "You don't need to worry about this anymore." I was still upset over somethings in our relationship that I was always urked by. Things that were already silly to worried about when you're in a relationship and crazy to worry about when you're not. I realized I was putting a lot of pressure on something that didn't have to be that serious. Our relationship, or lack there of, wasn't enjoyable anymore because I wanted it to be more than it could be. I started to remember myself doing that in other relationships in the past. I remembered why I broke up with most of the men immediately after telling them I loved them. I wanted things to get serious and they didn't. So I felt like they didn't care and/or I stopped caring about them. If they weren't going to be my future, then goodbye. I wasn't interested in enjoying right now. I wanted husband material even though I boasted of not wanting to settle down for a long time. This applies to Charles too. He loved me. I believe that. I hear it in the old voicemails and the texts. But he didn't love me to the same degree. He wasn't looking for a future. He was looking for someone to be with him in those moments. He was living in the moment and he loved me for those moments. He wasn't looking at any rings or cribs because we weren't anywhere close. The problem was, I thought we were. I wanted a commitment so that I knew he wouldn't want to run away. That was something he couldn't give me. We barely knew each other. It makes total sense.

So I moved on. Now when I look at his pictures on Facebook and Instagram, I see an old friend. I no longer get the terrible ache I did before. Break up songs don't stab me as much as before. I know we weren't as wonderful together as I remembered (see 27 Hours: a previous blog post). I know commitment isn't in the plan of me. Comedy might be the only commitment I can make for a while. I know I'm not as important to him as I thought. So I let him go. I tell myself don't forget how you felt then but don't forget what you realized today. Take it slow and just live. Stop trying to plan. Just be 20 year old Sydney. I'll never be her again. Whether that's with or without love. Just be grateful for every breath and life will be good.  The past week has gone pretty well so my theory is proving correct.

Thanks for listening. Come back for more.

Pop Culture

         I’m starting to see the patterns of American culture. Everyone has an opinion on things that absolutely do not matter. Kim Kardashian’s butt, Taylor Swift pulling her music from a free music cite, and how all of those things matter more to us than astronauts landing on a comet. Why waste our breath? I’ve learned to try to say things that either make people laugh or make them think. Talking about those things does neither. I know, I’ve been to the open mics in Chicago. We get it. 

        Let's discuss dat ass (Kim Kardashian's Armenian treasure). Because of our Puritan roots, we’re upset that a woman showed two lumps of fat. If it makes you feel any better, that’s how that woman gets joy. By the amount of likes on her photos, the names on her clothing and the number dollars in her bank account. She is not striving to make a point or change the way the world sees body image. She is striving to make you talk about her. So congratulate her, don’t be mad. We get excited when the people in our real lives accomplish what they want, why not be excited for her? SHE DID IT! Well done Kim! Go eat a cake that costs more than my car and still pay your mortgage every month. I really don’t give a shit.

       But on the other hand with Taylor Swift, we’re mad because she isn’t giving us enough. With Kim, it’s an unsolicited amount of butt and with Taylor it’s a solicited amount of access to her music. Big deal. She made many different pieces of art and expects them to be paid for by the consumer. Let’s get equally mad and burn down all the Targets for making us love their products and purchase them with our hard earned money that we earn to buy their products. HOW DARE THEY! All I’m saying is, if you want the album, buy it, if you don’t, don’t buy it. She made art; whether you think it is or not, is irrelevant. She’s done more than most of us have done in our life times but we’re mad when she doesn’t make it easy to steal that hard work for our own pleasure and Spotify playlists.

         My point with all of this is that I’ve learned not to stress about this silly thing called Pop Culture. I do follow it a bit because I like to be up to date on what’s happening in it, but it does not keep me up at night and it definitely doesn’t consume my Facebook wall. There are so many other things to worry about in our lives. School work, friendships, relationships, finances, family, and even what you’re going to eat for lunch. These are much more worthy topics to worry about. Instead of talking about dat ass, try talking about why we’re on this earth. Instead of posting about T-Swizzle's "selfishness," try asking the person next to you how their parents met. HECK, go to a grocery store and ask the person in the deli what their passion is. I promise that will feel so much better. It will be a connection with a real human being, not the ones that live thousands of miles away that we think we know because they live in our screens on a daily basis. Real people are more interesting. I PROMISE.

Welp. That’s my twice cents (aka the exact amount of money in my checking account), love it or leave it. I know me saying this will not stop you from posting about it on our modern day soap box but I thought I’d get my opinion out there as well.

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Newest Love

Yesterday, I fell in love again. 

At 9:55pm, Ace Thaddeus Courter came into the world.
For those who don't know, Ace is the child of Barbara and Zac Courter of Sidney, Ohio.
Ace rang in at a whopping 9 lbs 12 ounces crashing through his mothers uterus like a wrecking ball.

When I first heard of this babies possible existence, I was shocked to say the least. I remember sitting at a table surrounded by friends I would consider family with my jaw dropped. My best friend from high school was going to be a mom. Wow.

For the entire 7 months I knew of him as a fetus, I resisted him. I was not happy because I didn't understand the happiness they were feeling. How can she be a parent so young? How can she throw away her life so soon? Just how? I didn't understand it. I have been against having children for about a year now. I believe that there is so much pain in this world, why bring another person into it just because a couple wants to "have a family"? I just couldn't grasp it. So I rejected it. I played nice and acted excited. Don't get me wrong, babies are cute and fun and I was excited to see him, hold him, play with him but I wasn't happy with the situation. I couldn't wrap my mind around it. Having a baby only 21 years into your own life is terrifying in my mind but she clearly wanted it. I was so confused for 7 months.

Until I saw that little boy's face. Crying with fluid still covering his eyes. Ace had arrived. The minute I saw his face, I started crying. I have finally come to the realization Barbara did months ago.

Barbara is a mom. She will be a mom until the day she dies and she's going to be a great one. She has so much energy and love for everyone around her. She always has. God blessed her with such an amazing spirit and strength. It inspires me to this day. Now she can focus it on one little person and make him feel loved and cherished. That's really what we all wanted. As children, we all wish our parents loved us more or differently and she has the chance to do that for this little human of her own creation. For this, I am happy. Because of this, I finally understand. If anyone is meant to be a mom, it's her. I'm so blessed to have her in my own personal life and that's how I know that baby is the luckiest little man in the world.
Also, it's not my life. She is walking down an entirely different path than mine. While she's changing his diapers, I'll be changing to go to a party. While she's feeding him peas, I'll be trying to decide which disgusting vegetable I want to consume in the caf. While she's putting him to bed, I'll be waking up to do a night of open mics. That's okay. That doesn't mean we can't be in each others lives. I still love her like a sister. Thus I call myself Ace's puesdo Aunt. She is one of the most amazing people I've ever met and I can't forget that because I don't understand her lifestyle. This is one of the biggest lessons I've had to learn. I'm really happy I learned it because I almost lost her because of my ignorance.

In conclusion (yeah I'm doing that bad essay conclusion), I love Barbara, Zac and Ace as if they were my actual sister, brother-in-law and nephew. I'm so incredibly happy for them and can't wait to be with them in their home in a few short weeks. I'll be counting down the days until I can meet the new little love of my life, Ace Thaddeus Courter.

Thanks for listening. Come back for more.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Throughout my life, I've gotten mostly positive feedback.
"You're so funny!", or "You're so engaging!" or the highest of praise, "You're totally gonna be famous one day, I just know it!"

While all of these things are spectacular and so kind, I feel like criticism is hard to swallow. But this post isn't about that. It's about the other side of the spectrum. Insults.

I've never really been insulted to my face when it comes to performance. I don't know what I would do if that happened. Maybe cry, maybe stare, or hopefully scream "FUCK OFF!" in the persons face.

All insults I've received or taken personally have been overheard.

The worst happened today at Improv Club. We were assigned groups after the last meeting and I was put into a group with some very talented people that I respect. I was very excited. I get to work with some improvisers that I admire. What can get better than that?

The better question is, how can it get worse than this?
We did our scene with the classic montage style and it was going okay.

I feel like I should take a second to confess one thing: I'm struggling with improv. Truly. I'm having a hard time with it most days. I'm in classes and am continuing to perform and practice but I'm struggling. I'm not as good as I want to be. But I know if I just keep going, I'll get better and enjoy it more. But right now, I'm slightly insecure about my abilities.

Now with that being said, I'll go back to my previous statement.
We did our scene with the classic montage style and it was going okay. Scene were funny but not hilarious and I was trying my best. I was doing all the things I'd been learning over the past 10 weeks and I was feeling okay. The final scene was between me and one of the people I admire. We'll call him Improviser 1. We were having a normal conversation which is boring to watch but necessary to find the meaning of the scene. Eventually, another improviser came on and made a joke that landed and really heightened the scene. We'll call him Improviser 2. Yay for labeling.But the scene was awesome with that addition. Then someone called scene and the show was over. We all took a bow. I felt okay about the 8 minutes and exited the stage.
BUT as I contently walked to my seat, my ear caught this.
Improviser 1 to Improviser 2 exasperatedly, "Thanks for that."

In my ear, at that moment, I heard, "Thanks for saving me from that scene."

I was devastated. I was an improviser that my scene partner needed to be saved from. Ouch. I had to fight the tears.  I mean I know the scene wasn't going well, but it's not like I walked on stage and said, "You're my brother, lets have sex!"

I'm trying my damndest not to take this so personally but it's proving difficult.
I'm not the best improviser but I'm trying. I'm listening and heightening and FUCKING TRYING.

I mean no ill will to the Improviser 1. I'm just realizing that I'm headed straight into a world I've never been before. A world where no one is going to respect me until I show them I can be respected. It's an odd realization but one that needed to be shared.

I will use this experience to fuel me. I will be better next time. I will make stronger choices and be more interesting. I will be better. Because apparently trying isn't good enough.

Thanks for listening. Come back for more.

27 Hours

Charles visited me this weekend. I'm sorry. Not the whole weekend. He stayed last night. He drove through the night to Chicago likes some 70s rock anthem and arrived at Plymouth Court around 7am. When I saw him across the street, my heart and body leaped in the air. Especially my body; hopefully he didn't see me. He ran across the street with his hands in his pockets, as we locked eyes. Smiles grew, and the people around us disappeared. I walked towards him with haste and intention. We said, "hello" like little kids with crushes and he picked up and spun me around. A cinematic dream. Kissing on the street, like the people I scoff at, all of the anxiety of this visit went away. He was with me. That's all that mattered.

For the record, we are not together and we won't be getting back together unless we live in similar zip codes. But him cumming---WHOOPS I meant, coming...or did I?
ANYWHO, him arriving in Chicago means we're still in each others lives. In a middle ground between friends and dating, we have declared ourselves lovers. Like a historical film, I write him letters, and (months later) he responds. We don't really know where this relationship will end up but I don't think either of us are really that concerned. 

That being said, we did all the things couples do; we drank coffee, ate meals, "napped". But I didn't feel the way I thought I would upon his arrival. I still love with this kid, don't get me wrong. But I feel like distance really does make the heart grow fonder. I had dreamed him up to be the love of my entire life. I'm realizing that may not be true. He is the love of my life so far. I'm not saying the visit was bad. I had a wonderful night. We saw a show at Second City, smoked in Grant Park, and slept together (in all meanings of the phrase). I had a blast! I'm just saying that the connection I had missed so much was not as strong in person. This is a freeing realization. He is the second love of my life and hopefully not the last. That's something I never would have said a month ago.

This is short post because I'm going to cry about him leaving. It's very sad. It's a strange feeling to not be lonely for 27 hours. It was wonderful and now that he's gone, loneliness is back and that's fine. This is one of the sacrifices I have to make for a life in comedy. I'm okay with it but that doesn't mean I don't take time to grieve. I will cry myself into an actual nap, wake up, go to rehearsal and go on with my life. I believe this thinking will keep me sane.

Really quickly, I would like to plug the song that describes this situation better than any words I could spit onto a page. If you're bored or going through long distance bullshit, take a listen to City Song by Emmy the Great. My favorite lyric is, "And what will you look like when you're old? What will I do if I don't know you? I guess that I decided not to ask the day I took the road down to the city as it called." Check it out. It's so accurate, it hurts.

I just want to challenge anyone whose reading this, who feels the same way, to really look at the relationship in question. Did you really feel whole with this person? Are they really your everything? Can you live without them? If not, aren't you alive right now? So keep doing you. Keep working, studying, dancing, laughing, crying, loving every minute of this beautiful life you've been given. Just keep going. It will feel better one day whether that person is by your side or not. I can't promise but I can say I believe it with all of my heart. Sometimes that's all you need.

Thanks for listening. Come back for more.

Break Up BLAH BLAH BLAH

I told my ex he's forbidden from this blog, so here's some of my favorite break up lyrics of all time.

"Been kissed by lady luck, the stars are all lined up, every arrow that I aim is true. I got a smile on my face, it's the best one I can fake, I'm as happy as half a heart can be, but I miss you."
-Kacey Musgraves

"Just to put your mind at easy, you don't owe me anything, you paid me well in memories, and I think of you whenever life gets me down, I think of you whenever you're not around." -A Fine Frenzy

"Is there a chance a fragment of light at the end of the tunnel, a reason to fight? Is there a chance you may change your mind, or are we ashes and wine?" -A Fine Frenzy

"We had a skydive love affair doomed from the very start." -Grace Potter and the Nocturnals

"And what will you look like when you're old, what will I do if I don't know you? I guess that I decided not to ask the day I took the road, down to the city as it called." -Emma the Great

"I'm tryinna remember your face in my hands, I want an adventure, you met my demands, I told myself the day I left, I want it but I can't. I fell for something far away again. I guess that it's pointless, but I mean what I say. I never expected through all this time that I could be okay. Yeah all the things you do to me, the promise and the pain, I wish with all my heart that I could stay."
-Allison Weiss

"My love's too big for you, my love." -Ingrid Michaelson

"And I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep, and I'll feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe." -Taylor Swift

"Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echos, tell myself it's time now gotta let go, but moving on from him is impossible and I still see it all in my head, burning red." -Taylor Swift

"You be gone and I'll be happier." -A Fine Frenzy

"In dreams, I meet you in warm conversation. We both wake, in lonely beds, in different cities. And time is taking it's sweet time erasing you, and you've got your demons and darling they all look like me." -Taylor Swift

"And all my friends say I'm doing so well, I'm being so brave, as far as anyone can tell, I'm fine. I miss you all the time. I'm fine. I miss you all the time." -Allison Weiss


Thanks for listening. Come back for more.