Two years ago today, I lost my virginity to a guy I barely knew. He invited me to a cast party and I thought, it must mean he's in love with me. So I gave him my v card. A true love story.
Until he actually didn't even like me like me. I cried for a long time and regretted my decision of losing it while drunk with someone who didn't even know my middle name. It was a very painful experience because I had held onto my virginity like a prize. Then someone took it without even playing the game. I didn't feel like a woman. I felt like a little girl again. Out of control of my feelings. I felt like I didn't have control anymore. Keeping my virginity locked up gave me control over myself and relationships. The minute I started having sex, that control was gone.
Since that time, I have been sexually active. I'll tell you right now that it's like a floodgate. You can't undo it. I've had a couple of one night stands, a couple of fuck buddies, and a few relationships. In the past two years, I'm proud to say that I'm glad I lost my virginity the way I did. Thanks to that, I learned that sex doesn't equal love. I learned that I deserved better than that. I learned that sexuality is a personal choice and no one but me gets to decide what that means to me. Though I had my problems with my sexuality for a long time, I have come to love the "sexy" side of me. Until this summer, I felt ashamed of my sex life. I would cry a lot after sex. I felt like I had to do it to make men want to be with me.
Then my favorite ex-boyfriend helped me realize that I don't have to do anything I don't want to. It's up to me to decide if I think sex is shameful or healthy. He gave me time to figure that out and didn't pressure me. I made the decision myself. I made the decision that sex is just sex. It feels good but it's not as important as actually caring about someone. Like I said earlier, sex doesn't equal love. Love equals love. In my opinion, sex is just a product of it. For me personally, I'm more interested in having someone entertaining to talk to than having someone to have sex with. But I'll tell you one thing, sex is THE BEST when it's with someone you care about. Holy shit. It's good. So I'm waiting for someone who actually interests me. That doesn't mean that people who enjoy the act of sex shouldn't do it. I praise those people for doing exactly what they want. But I don't foresee any one night stands in my future.
Now I sit in at my desk hundreds of miles from the crime scene where my virginity was stolen but only a few miles from the thief. Though our relationship started out really weird, I can honestly say my virginity stealer is one of my best friends and has helped me through so many struggles in the last two years. From this "terrible" experience, I gained self-worth, confidence in my sexuality and best of all a friend. I honestly couldn't ask for more.
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Monday, October 6, 2014
Mediocre
It's getting hard ladies and gentlemen. I've been here for a month and I feel like I'm drowning. School work feels overwhelming and I feel like I'm already disappointing people. I look at everyone around me, thinking they're above me. I can't help but have the feeling that they can see that I'm not as good as them. Like it's printed across my forehead.
Honestly, those feelings were nowhere to be found when I first got here. Everything was still like camp. I went out and met people and laughed a lot. Things were easy because no one was asking me to do actual work. I was confident in my abilities because I had told myself to be confident. But I wasn't being honest with myself. I'm not as good at improv as I thought I was coming in. I feel like since I've gotten here, I've realized how much better should be. I keep telling people I'm a junior when in all reality, I'm a sophomore. I didn't do enough at my other college to be considered a junior. I hate it when people ask me that question because I lie to their face. I can't stand it but I still do it. Honesty is my policy and I'm breaking it. For one of the first times in my life, I'm lying to try to make myself feel better. Well newsflash, I don't feel any better.
The bad thoughts have come back. I'll be watching an improv scene and think, "Wow, you'll never be that good. Why don't you just go and end it now? You'd rather be dead than mediocre." But then I think about it and decide I shouldn't. I convince myself that I will be one day. I'll feel and be better one day. I promise myself. That's how I make it through.
I'm really bad at asking for help. I think that's why I feel like I'm drowning. I feel like I have to do all of this alone and if I ask for help, I'm cheating. But asking for help is the best thing a person can do. I need a life raft and I just need to be vulnerable enough to ask for it. If I don't, it might be the end of me.
But, I'm not defined by my fears. I didn't move to Chicago to get consumed by my fears. I moved to Chicago to face them head on. That's why I called the counseling services here at Columbia and I have an appointment tomorrow. I'm not sure if this will help but I know it's the first step.
I apologize that this blog isn't as uplifting as it once was but like I said, honesty is my policy. Life isn't the sunshine and rainbows it was a month ago when no one was challenging me. If I can survive this time, I truly believe I will thrive.
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
Friday, September 19, 2014
Make It Stop
This summer, I had a passionate romance with a very nice man named Charles. For three months, he made me very happy and sad at the same time. The sadness came from the fact that this relationship would only be 3 months long. On August 20th, we broke up. The following week, I finally accomplished my dream of studying comedy in Chicago. My greatest accomplishment in life was shadowed by the terrible pain of this short relationship.
In the months before meeting Charles, I was lonely and searching for a reason to continue. I was taking steps towards the life I'd always wanted but never felt like it was real. I was numb to everything around me. Good, bad and the ugly. Especially the good. It was hard for me to connect with anyone on a personal level.
Charles came into my life like a lightening bolt. He lit up my skies. He showed me just how beautiful life can be. He showed me the meaning of companionship. He made me feel like I belonged to something greater than myself. But fun fact about lightening: as quickly as it comes, it goes. When lightening leaves you are only left with what you think it looked like. Slowly over time, the vivid image becomes blurry. You start to forget what was so exciting about it in the first place.
To this day, I can't remember what his face looks like. I look at pictures when I'm doing my daily stalking, and think, I don't even know who that is anymore. It's only been a month and I feel like he's a completely different person. It's like he's dead to me. Even when we do text or speak, it's like he's a phone. A charismatic, witty phone. A phone that makes me laugh about the idea of folding clothing. A phone that makes me cry when it says it has to go.
Well I'm still madly in love with this phone. Which is unfortunate because after a break up, I always want to be mad at my ex. I want him to have done me wrong. I want to say, "I don't need his shit anyway!" But that's not the case with this one. I left. I pursued my dream. He stayed the same. Which is why it's so hard to fall out of love with that. We are both so young. We both want to do some amazing things before we settle down. We can't go around making life long commitments in our early 20s.
But he's the first person I've felt connected to in a long time. So how do I give that up like it was just a summer romance? Honestly, I'm asking whoever is reading to help me. I have no moral to this blog. Just a request. Help me understand this.
In all honesty, Chicago is everything I thought it would be and more. Good and bad. 99.5% of my day I'm thinking about comedy and school and friends. Honest. But when I think about him, like when I see someone on a bike or when I see the letters CW (his name to the majority of people who know him except my friends) inscribed in all of the manhole coverings. When that happens, I have a terrible PTSD flashback and have to pull myself together within a couple of seconds. The worst is when I'm in my bed at night and it's dark and it's quiet and I have nothing to distract me so all of the memories come flooding back in. When will this stop? Will it ever stop? And most importantly, do I want it to stop?
Maybe in a week I'll post anything blog with the title, "OVER IT!" Maybe I'll remember only the bad memories for a change. Maybe I'll hate him. But I highly doubt it.
Thank you for listening. Come back for more.
In the months before meeting Charles, I was lonely and searching for a reason to continue. I was taking steps towards the life I'd always wanted but never felt like it was real. I was numb to everything around me. Good, bad and the ugly. Especially the good. It was hard for me to connect with anyone on a personal level.
Charles came into my life like a lightening bolt. He lit up my skies. He showed me just how beautiful life can be. He showed me the meaning of companionship. He made me feel like I belonged to something greater than myself. But fun fact about lightening: as quickly as it comes, it goes. When lightening leaves you are only left with what you think it looked like. Slowly over time, the vivid image becomes blurry. You start to forget what was so exciting about it in the first place.
To this day, I can't remember what his face looks like. I look at pictures when I'm doing my daily stalking, and think, I don't even know who that is anymore. It's only been a month and I feel like he's a completely different person. It's like he's dead to me. Even when we do text or speak, it's like he's a phone. A charismatic, witty phone. A phone that makes me laugh about the idea of folding clothing. A phone that makes me cry when it says it has to go.
Well I'm still madly in love with this phone. Which is unfortunate because after a break up, I always want to be mad at my ex. I want him to have done me wrong. I want to say, "I don't need his shit anyway!" But that's not the case with this one. I left. I pursued my dream. He stayed the same. Which is why it's so hard to fall out of love with that. We are both so young. We both want to do some amazing things before we settle down. We can't go around making life long commitments in our early 20s.
But he's the first person I've felt connected to in a long time. So how do I give that up like it was just a summer romance? Honestly, I'm asking whoever is reading to help me. I have no moral to this blog. Just a request. Help me understand this.
In all honesty, Chicago is everything I thought it would be and more. Good and bad. 99.5% of my day I'm thinking about comedy and school and friends. Honest. But when I think about him, like when I see someone on a bike or when I see the letters CW (his name to the majority of people who know him except my friends) inscribed in all of the manhole coverings. When that happens, I have a terrible PTSD flashback and have to pull myself together within a couple of seconds. The worst is when I'm in my bed at night and it's dark and it's quiet and I have nothing to distract me so all of the memories come flooding back in. When will this stop? Will it ever stop? And most importantly, do I want it to stop?
Maybe in a week I'll post anything blog with the title, "OVER IT!" Maybe I'll remember only the bad memories for a change. Maybe I'll hate him. But I highly doubt it.
Thank you for listening. Come back for more.
Monday, September 1, 2014
Am I Enough?
For the past 2 months, every person I talked to told me they were proud of me.
"You're so brave."
"I could never do that."
"You're gonna be on SNL, I just know it."
I was happy to know that people thought such wonderful things but I had a hard time believing it was true. I won't know for a long time whether or not I made the right decision pursuing a life in comedy. One thing I do know, I didn't believe them.
I watch all these other comedians and actors doing some really incredible work. Original, hilarious work. When I see that, I wonder if I'll ever find what fulfills me as an "artist". Not to mention if I can make money from it. As an actor/comedian, I am my product. That's a terrifying realization. It leads to a lot of doubts about yourself. "Am I funny enough?" "Am I smart enough?" "Am I bold enough?"
But recently when asking myself those questions, I noticed one overwhelming question that encompasses every doubt. "Am I enough?"
Today I proudly say yes.
Though I have no idea what my life will look like in 5 years, I have faith it will be exactly where I'm meant to be.
2 years ago, I was starting school at Sinclair Community College with a chip on my shoulder. I wished I was going away to school like the rest of my friends from high school. They were having so much fun and I was stuck in Dayton.
Fast forward, to right now. I sit in my bed the night before my first class at Columbia College Chicago and know that those two years were the best thing that ever happened to me. I wouldn't be here today if I wasn't there first. I hit rock bottom in those two years and realized a lot of hard life lesson you can only learn from experience. Thanks to the last two years of my teenage years, I know that pain is inevitable which is why it is so important to always fight for the things you love. Whether that's a person or a career, you must give it your all. I'm still working on that but at least I'm working. I know I'm not anywhere near ready for Comedy Central or SNL but I have faith that if I keep trying, one day I will be doing exactly what I'm meant to be doing. Even if I'm not sure what that is right now.
So as I start classes tomorrow, I will remember that I'm not here to be the best, I'm here to learn and grow and become the person I'm supposed to be.
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
"You're so brave."
"I could never do that."
"You're gonna be on SNL, I just know it."
I was happy to know that people thought such wonderful things but I had a hard time believing it was true. I won't know for a long time whether or not I made the right decision pursuing a life in comedy. One thing I do know, I didn't believe them.
I watch all these other comedians and actors doing some really incredible work. Original, hilarious work. When I see that, I wonder if I'll ever find what fulfills me as an "artist". Not to mention if I can make money from it. As an actor/comedian, I am my product. That's a terrifying realization. It leads to a lot of doubts about yourself. "Am I funny enough?" "Am I smart enough?" "Am I bold enough?"
But recently when asking myself those questions, I noticed one overwhelming question that encompasses every doubt. "Am I enough?"
Today I proudly say yes.
Though I have no idea what my life will look like in 5 years, I have faith it will be exactly where I'm meant to be.
2 years ago, I was starting school at Sinclair Community College with a chip on my shoulder. I wished I was going away to school like the rest of my friends from high school. They were having so much fun and I was stuck in Dayton.
Fast forward, to right now. I sit in my bed the night before my first class at Columbia College Chicago and know that those two years were the best thing that ever happened to me. I wouldn't be here today if I wasn't there first. I hit rock bottom in those two years and realized a lot of hard life lesson you can only learn from experience. Thanks to the last two years of my teenage years, I know that pain is inevitable which is why it is so important to always fight for the things you love. Whether that's a person or a career, you must give it your all. I'm still working on that but at least I'm working. I know I'm not anywhere near ready for Comedy Central or SNL but I have faith that if I keep trying, one day I will be doing exactly what I'm meant to be doing. Even if I'm not sure what that is right now.
So as I start classes tomorrow, I will remember that I'm not here to be the best, I'm here to learn and grow and become the person I'm supposed to be.
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
Saturday, August 30, 2014
Letters from the Train
Dear Super Attractive Guy in Scrubs,
I hope you understand how hard I am fighting the urge to touch you on any part of your body. I could put my hand on the bar and pretend it was an accident and giggle when you look at me confused. You're so cute when you're confused. What's that? I'm cuter. OH STAHP. I just want to lay a hand on that baby soft skin. Those freckles make me want to praise Jesus for your creation. I will never know if you're gay but I'd really appreciate it if you weren't. Us women need you on our side.
I'm noticing now that you're wearing hair gel to get that "Just Rolled Out of Bed" look. Which leads me to ask, can I roll out of your bed sometime? This doesn't have to be a one time request. I can roll a couple of times or just stay perhaps. I imagine you make a mean blueberry pancake. But I'll only stay for the pancakes if you like to laugh. If you goat remixes aren't your thing then I'll roll once and tell you good day. Actually I would say great day. The kind of day where I don't have a walk of shame but I stride of victory. I scored your sexy ass. I will walk with my chin up with make up running down my face and heels in hand I will greet onlookers with a smile and a wink.
OH! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA JK YOUR GIRLFRIEND JUST CALLED JKJKJK HAHAHA!
Don't forget to grab milk. It better be organic. She gets gassy.
Sincerely,
Sydney Back
(aka the one that got away)
I hope you understand how hard I am fighting the urge to touch you on any part of your body. I could put my hand on the bar and pretend it was an accident and giggle when you look at me confused. You're so cute when you're confused. What's that? I'm cuter. OH STAHP. I just want to lay a hand on that baby soft skin. Those freckles make me want to praise Jesus for your creation. I will never know if you're gay but I'd really appreciate it if you weren't. Us women need you on our side.
I'm noticing now that you're wearing hair gel to get that "Just Rolled Out of Bed" look. Which leads me to ask, can I roll out of your bed sometime? This doesn't have to be a one time request. I can roll a couple of times or just stay perhaps. I imagine you make a mean blueberry pancake. But I'll only stay for the pancakes if you like to laugh. If you goat remixes aren't your thing then I'll roll once and tell you good day. Actually I would say great day. The kind of day where I don't have a walk of shame but I stride of victory. I scored your sexy ass. I will walk with my chin up with make up running down my face and heels in hand I will greet onlookers with a smile and a wink.
OH! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA JK YOUR GIRLFRIEND JUST CALLED JKJKJK HAHAHA!
Don't forget to grab milk. It better be organic. She gets gassy.
Sincerely,
Sydney Back
(aka the one that got away)
Sunday, July 13, 2014
Toxic Mold
I'm very blessed. I'm an American woman raised in a middle class home with the ability to receive a college education with little to no struggles. My life hasn't had many obstacles. ADD and daddy issues are all I can claim as trials. So I repeat I am blesssed. Some might even say #blessed.
So how has my life been a struggle for the past couple of years? Why have I been majorly depressed and on the verge of extinction? And most importantly, why do I feel so great now?
I think I'm blessed for a completely different reason that I'm going to explain to you with metaphors and proper grammar.
In high school, I was a part of many different friend groups. If I found people I liked I would pursue them. One of the groups was upperclassmen who were highly intelligent and highly artistic, another loved screamo music and angsty statuses, and another were significantly older than me and loved to eat pancakes in the dead of night. These groups of people were all wonderful and are people that I would still love to see and hang out with on occasion but I never felt like I could totally be myself. Now I'm not saying they are the reason for this. They were all very welcoming and enjoyed my company but we never loved each other on a deep level. The kind of love close friends should have. I suppose they weren't really my close friends.
My close friends were people I took for granted for 4 years. Barbara, Lily, Alison and eventually Robin, were the people that I now know are my close friends. When I was with these girls, my life didn't feel like a struggle. It felt a carnival ride. Sticky, expensive, and looks like it could fall apart at any moment but damnit I was laughing and they were in the seats next to me. Honestly, the summers I spent with them will be the fondest in my memory. I was never sure why they made me feel so great or why I had so much fun with them every time. Even when we weren't on the best of terms, we could brighten each others days.
So when they left for college and we grew apart, I didn't have anyone. I had friends at Sinclair but not like them. Losing them and coming to terms with the problems within myself made life a struggle for 2 years.
But as the world continues revolving, my life continued. I met other people who made me feel like the many friend groups I've had. I was just there. I would commonly have panic attacks because I felt so bad about myself and no one to talk to about it. I made a lot of mistakes in that point of my life. I hurt a lot of people that I considered friends because I was selfish and thought I wasn't effecting anyone but myself. It was a learning period in my life that was difficult but invaluable.
While in this period of learning, I had one friend that was along for the ride. For those who don't know, I have a best friend named Cydnie. Weird, I know. I promise our shared name isn't the only reason I love her. She gives me the same feeling that my high school friends gave me. We have lots of fun together but she's also there for the shitty parts of life. She's knows the color and texture of my puke better than anyone else!
Last August, Cydnie moved to New York to follow her dreams soon after we became besties without testies. Though I'm so proud of her and support her 100%, I still had another year at Sinclair without her. I felt like I had to start over. I moved back in with my mom, started taking school more seriously, and took some serious time to discover myself. I started to realize, with some inspirational words from THE Jason Hanrahan, that people who make me feel like that aren't worth my time. Especially at this point in my life. College is when you start to grow up and part of growing up is getting rid of the toxic parts of your life and focus on the parts that challenge you to be better. For me, that meant people.
Since that time, I've successfully removed the toxic mold from my social life and gave it a new paint job. Last night I had a party with almost all of my friends. I laughed, I ate lots of popcorn and I vomited. It was just like any other party but at some point I looked around that room and realized, I have gotten to a place were no one is toxic in my life. That night, I was surrounded by people that only want the best for me. They encourage me to be my best and always have my back, or my hair when I'm bent over a toilet. People that love me for exactly who I am, all the good, bad and the ugly, and don't ask me to be anything I'm not. I was so overwhelmed I threw up. It had NOTHING to do with the 6 woodchuck and empty stomach. It was gratitude.
As I think of moving to Chicago and leaving these wonderful people, I remember how I had the same feeling with I graduated high school and those friends left. All I know is that, I will never forget what it feels like to be loved this much. I know that from here on out, I will avoid getting too close to people that don't love me for me. I encourage everyone to do the same. If I'm a toxic person in your life, I encourage you to drop my ass. I will understand.
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
So how has my life been a struggle for the past couple of years? Why have I been majorly depressed and on the verge of extinction? And most importantly, why do I feel so great now?
I think I'm blessed for a completely different reason that I'm going to explain to you with metaphors and proper grammar.
In high school, I was a part of many different friend groups. If I found people I liked I would pursue them. One of the groups was upperclassmen who were highly intelligent and highly artistic, another loved screamo music and angsty statuses, and another were significantly older than me and loved to eat pancakes in the dead of night. These groups of people were all wonderful and are people that I would still love to see and hang out with on occasion but I never felt like I could totally be myself. Now I'm not saying they are the reason for this. They were all very welcoming and enjoyed my company but we never loved each other on a deep level. The kind of love close friends should have. I suppose they weren't really my close friends.
My close friends were people I took for granted for 4 years. Barbara, Lily, Alison and eventually Robin, were the people that I now know are my close friends. When I was with these girls, my life didn't feel like a struggle. It felt a carnival ride. Sticky, expensive, and looks like it could fall apart at any moment but damnit I was laughing and they were in the seats next to me. Honestly, the summers I spent with them will be the fondest in my memory. I was never sure why they made me feel so great or why I had so much fun with them every time. Even when we weren't on the best of terms, we could brighten each others days.
So when they left for college and we grew apart, I didn't have anyone. I had friends at Sinclair but not like them. Losing them and coming to terms with the problems within myself made life a struggle for 2 years.
But as the world continues revolving, my life continued. I met other people who made me feel like the many friend groups I've had. I was just there. I would commonly have panic attacks because I felt so bad about myself and no one to talk to about it. I made a lot of mistakes in that point of my life. I hurt a lot of people that I considered friends because I was selfish and thought I wasn't effecting anyone but myself. It was a learning period in my life that was difficult but invaluable.
While in this period of learning, I had one friend that was along for the ride. For those who don't know, I have a best friend named Cydnie. Weird, I know. I promise our shared name isn't the only reason I love her. She gives me the same feeling that my high school friends gave me. We have lots of fun together but she's also there for the shitty parts of life. She's knows the color and texture of my puke better than anyone else!
Last August, Cydnie moved to New York to follow her dreams soon after we became besties without testies. Though I'm so proud of her and support her 100%, I still had another year at Sinclair without her. I felt like I had to start over. I moved back in with my mom, started taking school more seriously, and took some serious time to discover myself. I started to realize, with some inspirational words from THE Jason Hanrahan, that people who make me feel like that aren't worth my time. Especially at this point in my life. College is when you start to grow up and part of growing up is getting rid of the toxic parts of your life and focus on the parts that challenge you to be better. For me, that meant people.
Since that time, I've successfully removed the toxic mold from my social life and gave it a new paint job. Last night I had a party with almost all of my friends. I laughed, I ate lots of popcorn and I vomited. It was just like any other party but at some point I looked around that room and realized, I have gotten to a place were no one is toxic in my life. That night, I was surrounded by people that only want the best for me. They encourage me to be my best and always have my back, or my hair when I'm bent over a toilet. People that love me for exactly who I am, all the good, bad and the ugly, and don't ask me to be anything I'm not. I was so overwhelmed I threw up. It had NOTHING to do with the 6 woodchuck and empty stomach. It was gratitude.
As I think of moving to Chicago and leaving these wonderful people, I remember how I had the same feeling with I graduated high school and those friends left. All I know is that, I will never forget what it feels like to be loved this much. I know that from here on out, I will avoid getting too close to people that don't love me for me. I encourage everyone to do the same. If I'm a toxic person in your life, I encourage you to drop my ass. I will understand.
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
Monday, June 16, 2014
What is love?
What is love? [(baby don't hurt me) Sorry, I couldn't resist]
But seriously. 1) What is it? 2) Does it exist? 3) If yes, then why?
All questions I ask myself regularly. Especially now with it crashing into me like a wave.
When I was lonely my answers would have been:
1) I have no fucking idea.
2) Not for me.
3) I said NOT FOR ME!
For months, I was getting to know myself. I still am and always will be but during this time in my life, it consumed me. I stopped being the person I was to find out about who I am. That makes no damn sense. I began writing more and more. I started this beautiful blog. I put my journey on this blog because I needed to know I wasn't alone. The responses I have received have not only been gratifying but also showed me that when you're honest, people really want to connect with you. This is a life lesson that I hope to keep for years to come. But I was still angry. I was angry because couldn't remember what love was. I had it at some point about 2 years ago but it burned down in flames. Since then I had a string of maybe's but I always knew they wouldn't work out. So I told myself I refuse to settle again. I would rather be lonely. I would rather die alone then be with someone who doesn't make my heart sing. I started to become a Liz Lemon, certain love would never happen again and rolling my eyes at it. I focused on work and my craft but still had a void. I was no longer looking for someone to fix me. I was doing that myself. I was looking for someone to hear me and see me. Remind me what love is. Remind me how to, please excuse the cheesiness, feel again.
Well ladies and gentlemen, I know what love is again. He came into my life suddenly and will leave just the same but he is here now. That's really all I can ask for.
Now I'm not saying that the presence of this man in my life changed my life and now everything is fine and dandy and I no longer have a care in the world. NO. That's not love. Love opens your eyes. Shows you different parts of the world. Teaches you things. He's not perfect and he hasn't made my life perfect. He reminded me that life is to be lived. He reminded me that I can be loved. I can be held and cherished without having to do anything but hold and cherish him. He reminded me not to take anyone or anything for granted. I have friends and family that also love me and I can't neglect them because they aren't a cute boy. I want cherish them too. I'm leaving them as well. He has reminded me of a lot things I don't think I would have learned by myself.
I could go on for hours about how great I think he is and how bad the timing is but I won't. I enjoy his company and I know the feeling is mutual. That's the only certainty I need. So I will go on with my life after him like I did before him. The only difference is the lessons I've learned learned from him will stay with me. I can never thank him enough for that.
So you want my answers now? Thank you for asking. Here they are:
1) What is love?
I'm still not certain but I'm doing everything possible to figure it out.
2) Does it exist?
Does Facebook still offer poking?
3) If yes, then why?
Because we're both very lucky, I guess.
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
But seriously. 1) What is it? 2) Does it exist? 3) If yes, then why?
All questions I ask myself regularly. Especially now with it crashing into me like a wave.
When I was lonely my answers would have been:
1) I have no fucking idea.
2) Not for me.
3) I said NOT FOR ME!
For months, I was getting to know myself. I still am and always will be but during this time in my life, it consumed me. I stopped being the person I was to find out about who I am. That makes no damn sense. I began writing more and more. I started this beautiful blog. I put my journey on this blog because I needed to know I wasn't alone. The responses I have received have not only been gratifying but also showed me that when you're honest, people really want to connect with you. This is a life lesson that I hope to keep for years to come. But I was still angry. I was angry because couldn't remember what love was. I had it at some point about 2 years ago but it burned down in flames. Since then I had a string of maybe's but I always knew they wouldn't work out. So I told myself I refuse to settle again. I would rather be lonely. I would rather die alone then be with someone who doesn't make my heart sing. I started to become a Liz Lemon, certain love would never happen again and rolling my eyes at it. I focused on work and my craft but still had a void. I was no longer looking for someone to fix me. I was doing that myself. I was looking for someone to hear me and see me. Remind me what love is. Remind me how to, please excuse the cheesiness, feel again.
Well ladies and gentlemen, I know what love is again. He came into my life suddenly and will leave just the same but he is here now. That's really all I can ask for.
Now I'm not saying that the presence of this man in my life changed my life and now everything is fine and dandy and I no longer have a care in the world. NO. That's not love. Love opens your eyes. Shows you different parts of the world. Teaches you things. He's not perfect and he hasn't made my life perfect. He reminded me that life is to be lived. He reminded me that I can be loved. I can be held and cherished without having to do anything but hold and cherish him. He reminded me not to take anyone or anything for granted. I have friends and family that also love me and I can't neglect them because they aren't a cute boy. I want cherish them too. I'm leaving them as well. He has reminded me of a lot things I don't think I would have learned by myself.
I could go on for hours about how great I think he is and how bad the timing is but I won't. I enjoy his company and I know the feeling is mutual. That's the only certainty I need. So I will go on with my life after him like I did before him. The only difference is the lessons I've learned learned from him will stay with me. I can never thank him enough for that.
So you want my answers now? Thank you for asking. Here they are:
1) What is love?
I'm still not certain but I'm doing everything possible to figure it out.
2) Does it exist?
Does Facebook still offer poking?
3) If yes, then why?
Because we're both very lucky, I guess.
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
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