"Expectation is the root of all heartbreak." -Billy Shakes
Oh Bill. You were wiser than the many anal jokes you made in your plays. Now to the real reason I quoted this man:
Before August 16th, I was ridden with expectations. Before August 16th, I could be found on the train daydreaming about August 16th. Before August 16th, I was sure August 16th would be a day for the record books.
On August 16th, I slept on a mattress pad with the person I waited for all summer.
On August 18th, I cried because August 16th didn't go down exactly how I imagined it.
Expectations are a bitch. I always imagined that the night this boy came back, I'd walk up to his door, press the buzzer, hear his footsteps and see his handsome new beard smiling at me when the door opened. I imagined we would say "Hi" and then hug so hard our arms would fall off, we would kiss, I would feel his beard with my hands and be smiling the entire time. This would cease only to walk up the stairs into the apartment. Once in the apartment, I imagined an impassioned montage of clothes removal and stumbling over said clothing. We would then fall into bed and make love as if we'd both just been in prison for 20+ years.
As you can probably predict, that is not how it went down. Now, I was aware that some of this was very outlandish but the first part didn't seem too out there in my brain so that is what I hoped for once the day came around. I was at work all day and didn't really even remember that I was going over there until I got to the last bar and began my final speech.
After an hour bus ride, I had arrived at the most exciting part of August 16th. I walked up the front steps and had to tell myself to relax my breathing. I was just so freakin excited! I pressed the buzzer, I waited, took deeper breaths and heard the footsteps coming down the stairs. My heart began to flutter in a very story book way as the door opened. At first, I saw no one. It was the classic "Hide behind the door to freak them out" bit and I laughed. I was still expecting to see the face of the man I was here to be with. Instead, his roommate pops his face out from behind the door and smiles at me in a "GOTCHA!" sort of fashion. I almost cried. My expectations were shattered but I smiled as to not show his roommate my distress. I walk up the stairs making small talk and still saw no signs of him as I entered the apartment. I went to what I knew was his room and found him on a chair hanging up lights. I got a "Hey" which was returned with a "What's Up". He said, "Hold on, I'm going to get down and give you a hug." I responded with, "I have to go to the bathroom anyway!" I put my things down and retreated to the bathroom. I sat there, took deep breaths and told myself that it was okay. He's here. That's all you wanted. The rest of that stuff was just fluff. I returned, received a nice sweaty hug and from that moment on the evening was exactly what it was and I was happy. I had gotten rid of my expectations and began enjoying spending time with him and his roommates.
I only tell this story to point out a couple of things. It is okay to have expectations. Especially if those expectations keep you excited for an event. It only becomes not okay when you let them control you. If I would have pouted the rest of the night because I wasn't "properly greeted", that night would not have been what it became. Especially in romantic relationship, it's easy to dream up all these expectations. With the excess of romantic movies and tv shows we've grown up with, I know I personally have fallen victim to the "If this person really liked/cared/loved me, they would do it like this or do this for me like this." We have to get those thoughts out of our brain the minute we have them. They make us crazy. It makes you doubt in a really unhealthy. Be patient. If the person does care, they will show it in their own unique way. Hopefully your gut will tell you if they don't. Mine always does. I just have a really hard time listening to it sometimes.
With that, I bid you all a fond farewell for now. The school year starts soon and I'm certain it will give me plenty of things to bitch about and then learn from. If not, my $42,000 isn't really worth it. Also, yes that is the actual number I'm paying to live this life, ladies and gentleman. I know. I'm crying too.
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
Taylor Swift and Me
I love Taylor Swift. I love her music. I love her style. I love her.
This is a common fact for those who know me well but I don't know if I've ever brought it up on this blog. Taylor Swift is important to me because her music has helped me through some of the hardest and most beautiful moments of my life. To help you understand, I'm going to get very specific and drop a few names from my past. Get ready. This post is also going to be long and detailed. I will leave very few stones unturned. You will know a lot about me and my relationships by the time you're done reading. I hope you stick around until the end because it will all have the moral.
In 2008, I was on MySpace looking at my friend Taylor's (weird coincidence) page and all of a sudden I heard this country sounding guitar. I looked at her profile song and there was a picture of a girl, not much older than me, with blonde curly hair. I listened to the song titled, "Teardrops On My Guitar" I listened and related immediately because at that time, and for many years before, I had been pining over a guy by the name of Scotty Snarr. He was a jerk to me but I wanted him to love me. The song didn't fit perfectly because we were not friends. In fact, we were enemies. It was a classic case of "Helga from Hey Arnold" love sickness. I listened to this song many times and then looked into the singer whose name was Taylor Swift.
Fast forward to when I had to break up with Cory Wiley. Corey Wiley and I dated for many months my sophomore year of his school. Cory was a senior and we did not mesh well. I believe the reason I dated him was he had a shocking resemblance to George Harrison. He made me laugh in the beginning but then we started to get bored with each other. I can't say a bad word about Cory because he treated me really well and loved me very much, it just wasn't mutual. Breaking up with Cory took two tries and my girl Tay Swift was there for both. In the weeks leading up to our break up, I listened to "Breathe" on repeat. With the lyric, "Never wanted this, never wanna see you hurt, every little bump in the road I tried to swerve, people are people and sometimes it doesn't work out, nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out." I knew I had to do it. We cried. We broke up. It was long and painful. I literally sent him into the cold.
A couple of weeks later, I got very lonely. I wanted him back and my girl had just released a song called "Back to December." This song was perfect. We broke up in December. He gave me roses. I left them there to die. It was freaky how accurate this song was.
"You gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye."
We dated for another 2 months, went to prom, and I broke up with him over text after not hanging out with him for an entire month. Not my proudest moment but the whole relationship was a lesson in not settling because of loneliness. I'm sorry for hurting you, Cory.
The section of my life so incredibly influenced by Taylor Swift was when I in and falling out of love with Matthew James Ross. The summer before my senior year of high school, I began dating Matt. Reluctantly at first, I slowly but surely fell in love with this kid and fell hard. We spent almost every day together for six months. He opened doors, he paid for meals, he called every night. He was a real gentleman, we were a real "we" and I was in love. I told him everything and for the first time I saw a future with someone. We fought and joked and kissed. Our song was "Just A Kiss" by Lady Antebellum but my song for him was "Mine" by T-Swizzle. At a time when was still very angry with the way my father lived his life, I didn't want anything to do with love before Matt. I had an idea that everyone that loved me would just leave when things got tough. I truly believed Matt wouldn't. This song is describing exactly that. "You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter, you are the best thing that's ever been mine." I would have tattooed that onto my skin at that point of my life.
Months later, Matt would leave. We were in my 2004 Pontiac Grand Am parked in his driveway. He stared at me for a long time with the words, "I'm sorry" riddled in his gazed. Eventually, I asked him, "Are you breaking up with me?" Then the words escaped his eyes and tears escaped mine. After a minute of shock and tears, I began saying, "If we're breaking up, get out of my car." I drove home but weirdly stopped crying almost immediately after I turned off of his street. It was strange but I think I was in shock.
For the next month, the song "Last Kiss" would become my anthem. This was so perfect I couldn't handle it. The bridge of this song makes me cry even to this day. "So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep, I'll feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe, and I'll keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are." That is one of the most beautiful break up lyrics of all time. Another lyric of the song that I followed to a T was, "So I'll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes." I had a sweatshirt of his that I sobbed into for a week before giving it back to him at lunch one day. This song helped me cry it out and really feel the pain of losing someone you love.
Soon my sadness turned to anger. Matt and I were also in the same youth group. Our friends were all friends. So I fell in love with a song called, "The Story of Us." The lyric that I remember singing into my hairbrush before school was, "I'm starting to think one day I'll tell the story of us how I was losing my mind when I saw you here, but you held your pride like you should've held me" That lyric was perfect already but became even more perfect when he later told me he didn't get back with me because he didn't want his parents, who told him that breaking up with me was a mistake, to be right. An honorable mention from this song, "This is looking like a contest of who can act like they careless." Because holy shit it was.
In high school, Taylor released a song called "Mean." "Mean" was the song that represents my middle school experience. This song was not out when I was in middle school but once I heard it, it became my anthem. "Some day I'll be living in a big ole city, and all you're ever gonna be is mean, some day I'll be big enough so you can't hit me and all you're ever gonna be is mean." Quick update, I did move to a big ole city and the people that made my life hell, are still just mean.
Now I'm going to leave a name out for the sake of respect:
When I was 19, I had a sexual relationship with a 23 year old man who thought I was too young to date. Let me re-phrase that. I was too young to date but old enough to fuck. To make matters worse, he did the same to many of my friends and we all were too naive to know until it was too late. He really hurt me for a long time and my song for him was "Dear John." This song is, again, PERFECT, "Dear John, I see it all now, it was wrong, don't you think 19's too young to be played by your dark twisted games when I loved you so, I should've known...never impressed by me acing your tests, all the girls that you've run dry have tired lifeless eyes cause you burned them out." It even said my age, people! She is the goddess of lyrics.
Then something magical happened. RED came out. RED is my favorite album, even more so than 1989. This is her best break up album. This came out in a time of my life that I was so confused about love. I thought the only thing it did was hurt you and leave you in the gutter wounded, salty. This album gave me a new hope. RED taught me that we all hurt but that's not a reason to stop being yourself. I had about 3 flings in the time of RED and I identified a bunch of different songs with each. But never really connected too deeply with the actually stories of RED.
Then came along Charles Wayne Boyles and RED made sense. Especially the song, "Red", the opening lyric, "Loving him was like driving a new Maserati down a dead end street, faster than the wind passionate as sin ending so suddenly." I knew from the beginning this thing wouldn't end too well so that song understood how it felt to be that in love that quickly.
After our break up, the song "All Too Well" became a trigger song. I still cry when this song comes on in the shower. This song contains my favorite lyric not only of Taylor Swift's but of all time. "You tell me about your past thinking your future was me."
This song captures gaining and losing love in a way no one else has been able to for me. For many months, this lyric, "Time won't fly it's like I'm paralyzed by it, I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it, after plaid shirt days and nights where you made me your own." was the way I felt about this failed relationship. I had become used to having him around to comfort me and help me. I lost myself in making him happy and forgot that I'm a person with needs to and he didn't meet them. I asked for a letter, he gave me a picture of a lamp.
Then something else happened while I was in the middle of this odd on and off sexual and emotional relationship with Charles. 1989 came to the world in screaming color. "Out of the Woods" became my song for him. The song asked two simple questions, "Are we out of the woods yet?...Are we in the clear yet?" This relationship felt like that song sounded. When would we really be done with each other? When would we finally move on? When would we get over the fact that this thing wasn't going to work?
"When the sun came up you were looking at me." reminding me of the many nights we spent together followed by many mornings. Charles was the first relationship that felt adult-like. We didn't have parents telling us we couldn't be in each others rooms or that we couldn't touch on the couch. I woke up next to him often and felt so happy.
The demise of Charles and I could only be explained in one song. Any guesses? "Clean" is the last track on her album and was on repeat on my iPod during the Megabus ride home after we decided not to speak anymore. "It was months and months of back and forth, you're still all over me like a wine stained dress I can't wear anymore." and "By morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean." were among the best parts. I was finally free to live the life I wanted without pining over him. It felt good and this song helped me feel better.
Another song I must mention is Blank Space. This song was huge in my life. I listened to this song at least 3 times a day. This song came out at a time when I was feeling like every relationship I'd been in was meant to burn down in flames. Though she wrote this satirically, I related. All my relationships seemed to end in similar ways and this song sort of followed the pattern. I would often replace the lyric, "Find out what you want, be that girl for a month," with "be that girl for 3 months." because many of my flings lasted exactly 3 months, no joke. Singing this song was great way to get out all that aggression I felt for my failed relationships. It helped me laugh at them and see them as just blips on the radar of my life.
On December 10th, 2015, I received a call that David Michaels had died. He was my best friend for over 2 years in Ohio. We got in a fight of sorts and I walked out of his life. 10 months later, he killed himself and I'm still having a hard time forgiving myself. Much to my surprise, Taylor Swift helped this situation as well. Her song, "I Wish You Would," described how I felt. "I wish you would come back, wish I never hung up the phone like I did, I wish you knew that I'll never forget you as long as I live, and I wish you were right here right now, its all good, I wish you would...I wish we could go back and remember what we were fighting for and I wish you knew that I miss you too much to be mad anymore, wish you were right here right now, it's all good, I wish you would." Those were the words running through my brain for 3 months.
Today, I'm "with" someone and still find songs of hers that remind me of him. The song, "Come Back Be Here" which is a bonus track from RED is my current song. This one is a bit sadder than I feel but she captures the feeling of long distance very well. "We stumble through the long goodbye, one last kiss then catch your flight, right when I was just about to fall, I told myself, don't get attached, but in my mind I play it back, spinning faster than the plane that took you, this is when the feeling sets in, I don't wanna miss you like this." Spot on for the days I haven't heard from him in days, wondering if things will be the same when he gets back.
Okay. We've made it to the end and the moral. Taylor Swift is more than a pop star to me and many people. She has taught me to be honest, feel what you feel and turn it into art. So if anyone ever wonders what my obsession is with her, I can tell them to read this and understand how when I listen to her music, I feel like someone is on my side. I feel the pain in the songs and then often have a moment of clarity. She's grown up with me. I feel like she goes through the exact same feeling and emotions as me but years earlier and then releases the album as I'm going through it. It's a magical effect she has on my life and I can't wait to grow old with her and her music.
Also I might get my hair cut like her.......
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
This is a common fact for those who know me well but I don't know if I've ever brought it up on this blog. Taylor Swift is important to me because her music has helped me through some of the hardest and most beautiful moments of my life. To help you understand, I'm going to get very specific and drop a few names from my past. Get ready. This post is also going to be long and detailed. I will leave very few stones unturned. You will know a lot about me and my relationships by the time you're done reading. I hope you stick around until the end because it will all have the moral.
In 2008, I was on MySpace looking at my friend Taylor's (weird coincidence) page and all of a sudden I heard this country sounding guitar. I looked at her profile song and there was a picture of a girl, not much older than me, with blonde curly hair. I listened to the song titled, "Teardrops On My Guitar" I listened and related immediately because at that time, and for many years before, I had been pining over a guy by the name of Scotty Snarr. He was a jerk to me but I wanted him to love me. The song didn't fit perfectly because we were not friends. In fact, we were enemies. It was a classic case of "Helga from Hey Arnold" love sickness. I listened to this song many times and then looked into the singer whose name was Taylor Swift.
Fast forward to when I had to break up with Cory Wiley. Corey Wiley and I dated for many months my sophomore year of his school. Cory was a senior and we did not mesh well. I believe the reason I dated him was he had a shocking resemblance to George Harrison. He made me laugh in the beginning but then we started to get bored with each other. I can't say a bad word about Cory because he treated me really well and loved me very much, it just wasn't mutual. Breaking up with Cory took two tries and my girl Tay Swift was there for both. In the weeks leading up to our break up, I listened to "Breathe" on repeat. With the lyric, "Never wanted this, never wanna see you hurt, every little bump in the road I tried to swerve, people are people and sometimes it doesn't work out, nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out." I knew I had to do it. We cried. We broke up. It was long and painful. I literally sent him into the cold.
A couple of weeks later, I got very lonely. I wanted him back and my girl had just released a song called "Back to December." This song was perfect. We broke up in December. He gave me roses. I left them there to die. It was freaky how accurate this song was.
"You gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye."
We dated for another 2 months, went to prom, and I broke up with him over text after not hanging out with him for an entire month. Not my proudest moment but the whole relationship was a lesson in not settling because of loneliness. I'm sorry for hurting you, Cory.
The section of my life so incredibly influenced by Taylor Swift was when I in and falling out of love with Matthew James Ross. The summer before my senior year of high school, I began dating Matt. Reluctantly at first, I slowly but surely fell in love with this kid and fell hard. We spent almost every day together for six months. He opened doors, he paid for meals, he called every night. He was a real gentleman, we were a real "we" and I was in love. I told him everything and for the first time I saw a future with someone. We fought and joked and kissed. Our song was "Just A Kiss" by Lady Antebellum but my song for him was "Mine" by T-Swizzle. At a time when was still very angry with the way my father lived his life, I didn't want anything to do with love before Matt. I had an idea that everyone that loved me would just leave when things got tough. I truly believed Matt wouldn't. This song is describing exactly that. "You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter, you are the best thing that's ever been mine." I would have tattooed that onto my skin at that point of my life.
Months later, Matt would leave. We were in my 2004 Pontiac Grand Am parked in his driveway. He stared at me for a long time with the words, "I'm sorry" riddled in his gazed. Eventually, I asked him, "Are you breaking up with me?" Then the words escaped his eyes and tears escaped mine. After a minute of shock and tears, I began saying, "If we're breaking up, get out of my car." I drove home but weirdly stopped crying almost immediately after I turned off of his street. It was strange but I think I was in shock.
For the next month, the song "Last Kiss" would become my anthem. This was so perfect I couldn't handle it. The bridge of this song makes me cry even to this day. "So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep, I'll feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe, and I'll keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are." That is one of the most beautiful break up lyrics of all time. Another lyric of the song that I followed to a T was, "So I'll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes." I had a sweatshirt of his that I sobbed into for a week before giving it back to him at lunch one day. This song helped me cry it out and really feel the pain of losing someone you love.
Soon my sadness turned to anger. Matt and I were also in the same youth group. Our friends were all friends. So I fell in love with a song called, "The Story of Us." The lyric that I remember singing into my hairbrush before school was, "I'm starting to think one day I'll tell the story of us how I was losing my mind when I saw you here, but you held your pride like you should've held me" That lyric was perfect already but became even more perfect when he later told me he didn't get back with me because he didn't want his parents, who told him that breaking up with me was a mistake, to be right. An honorable mention from this song, "This is looking like a contest of who can act like they careless." Because holy shit it was.
In high school, Taylor released a song called "Mean." "Mean" was the song that represents my middle school experience. This song was not out when I was in middle school but once I heard it, it became my anthem. "Some day I'll be living in a big ole city, and all you're ever gonna be is mean, some day I'll be big enough so you can't hit me and all you're ever gonna be is mean." Quick update, I did move to a big ole city and the people that made my life hell, are still just mean.
Now I'm going to leave a name out for the sake of respect:
When I was 19, I had a sexual relationship with a 23 year old man who thought I was too young to date. Let me re-phrase that. I was too young to date but old enough to fuck. To make matters worse, he did the same to many of my friends and we all were too naive to know until it was too late. He really hurt me for a long time and my song for him was "Dear John." This song is, again, PERFECT, "Dear John, I see it all now, it was wrong, don't you think 19's too young to be played by your dark twisted games when I loved you so, I should've known...never impressed by me acing your tests, all the girls that you've run dry have tired lifeless eyes cause you burned them out." It even said my age, people! She is the goddess of lyrics.
Then something magical happened. RED came out. RED is my favorite album, even more so than 1989. This is her best break up album. This came out in a time of my life that I was so confused about love. I thought the only thing it did was hurt you and leave you in the gutter wounded, salty. This album gave me a new hope. RED taught me that we all hurt but that's not a reason to stop being yourself. I had about 3 flings in the time of RED and I identified a bunch of different songs with each. But never really connected too deeply with the actually stories of RED.
Then came along Charles Wayne Boyles and RED made sense. Especially the song, "Red", the opening lyric, "Loving him was like driving a new Maserati down a dead end street, faster than the wind passionate as sin ending so suddenly." I knew from the beginning this thing wouldn't end too well so that song understood how it felt to be that in love that quickly.
After our break up, the song "All Too Well" became a trigger song. I still cry when this song comes on in the shower. This song contains my favorite lyric not only of Taylor Swift's but of all time. "You tell me about your past thinking your future was me."
This song captures gaining and losing love in a way no one else has been able to for me. For many months, this lyric, "Time won't fly it's like I'm paralyzed by it, I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it, after plaid shirt days and nights where you made me your own." was the way I felt about this failed relationship. I had become used to having him around to comfort me and help me. I lost myself in making him happy and forgot that I'm a person with needs to and he didn't meet them. I asked for a letter, he gave me a picture of a lamp.
Then something else happened while I was in the middle of this odd on and off sexual and emotional relationship with Charles. 1989 came to the world in screaming color. "Out of the Woods" became my song for him. The song asked two simple questions, "Are we out of the woods yet?...Are we in the clear yet?" This relationship felt like that song sounded. When would we really be done with each other? When would we finally move on? When would we get over the fact that this thing wasn't going to work?
"When the sun came up you were looking at me." reminding me of the many nights we spent together followed by many mornings. Charles was the first relationship that felt adult-like. We didn't have parents telling us we couldn't be in each others rooms or that we couldn't touch on the couch. I woke up next to him often and felt so happy.
The demise of Charles and I could only be explained in one song. Any guesses? "Clean" is the last track on her album and was on repeat on my iPod during the Megabus ride home after we decided not to speak anymore. "It was months and months of back and forth, you're still all over me like a wine stained dress I can't wear anymore." and "By morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean." were among the best parts. I was finally free to live the life I wanted without pining over him. It felt good and this song helped me feel better.
Another song I must mention is Blank Space. This song was huge in my life. I listened to this song at least 3 times a day. This song came out at a time when I was feeling like every relationship I'd been in was meant to burn down in flames. Though she wrote this satirically, I related. All my relationships seemed to end in similar ways and this song sort of followed the pattern. I would often replace the lyric, "Find out what you want, be that girl for a month," with "be that girl for 3 months." because many of my flings lasted exactly 3 months, no joke. Singing this song was great way to get out all that aggression I felt for my failed relationships. It helped me laugh at them and see them as just blips on the radar of my life.
On December 10th, 2015, I received a call that David Michaels had died. He was my best friend for over 2 years in Ohio. We got in a fight of sorts and I walked out of his life. 10 months later, he killed himself and I'm still having a hard time forgiving myself. Much to my surprise, Taylor Swift helped this situation as well. Her song, "I Wish You Would," described how I felt. "I wish you would come back, wish I never hung up the phone like I did, I wish you knew that I'll never forget you as long as I live, and I wish you were right here right now, its all good, I wish you would...I wish we could go back and remember what we were fighting for and I wish you knew that I miss you too much to be mad anymore, wish you were right here right now, it's all good, I wish you would." Those were the words running through my brain for 3 months.
Today, I'm "with" someone and still find songs of hers that remind me of him. The song, "Come Back Be Here" which is a bonus track from RED is my current song. This one is a bit sadder than I feel but she captures the feeling of long distance very well. "We stumble through the long goodbye, one last kiss then catch your flight, right when I was just about to fall, I told myself, don't get attached, but in my mind I play it back, spinning faster than the plane that took you, this is when the feeling sets in, I don't wanna miss you like this." Spot on for the days I haven't heard from him in days, wondering if things will be the same when he gets back.
Okay. We've made it to the end and the moral. Taylor Swift is more than a pop star to me and many people. She has taught me to be honest, feel what you feel and turn it into art. So if anyone ever wonders what my obsession is with her, I can tell them to read this and understand how when I listen to her music, I feel like someone is on my side. I feel the pain in the songs and then often have a moment of clarity. She's grown up with me. I feel like she goes through the exact same feeling and emotions as me but years earlier and then releases the album as I'm going through it. It's a magical effect she has on my life and I can't wait to grow old with her and her music.
Also I might get my hair cut like her.......
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
Monday, July 13, 2015
Happy Birthday Jordan Lee Cohen.
Dear Jordan,
I'm a terrible friend and haven't gotten you anything yet for your birthday, not even a card. So to appease this transgression, I'm devoting an entire blog post to you.
The first time I saw your beautiful face was on September 2nd, 2014 in Jeff Grigg's Improvisational Techniques 1 class. You were wearing a dress I believe and had a flame in your eyes for the art of improv. I remember thinking while we were warming up, "Fuck, this girl is good."
Fast forward to you, on September 7th, 2014, messaging me on Facebook asking to go to the free improv set at Second City. You always thought it was weird that you did that but I was glad. I have always known that you were the kind of person I wanted to be around.
Jordan Lee Cohen, I often tell you this, but you inspire me on a daily basis. From the way you work, to the way you love other people, I'm always in awe of you. There have been so many times that I've needed you and you've always been there for me. Half of the time it was you saying, "Stop that, dummy." Other times it was a quiet and loving, "You are going to be okay."
My favorite thing about our relationship is that I believe with my whole heart that we were meant to meet and help each other through this strange transition in our lives. If I didn't have you, I might have given up a long time ago. Your presence in my life is felt every day even if we don't always talk.
One of my favorite things about you is your ability to make people feel at ease. Almost everyone you meet (Except Charles lol) feels better about themselves after having met you. You have a wonderful ability to make people feel important and cared for. This is another thing that makes you a great improviser. One of the best I've ever seen. I often imagine you on the ETC stage and it's not a far fetched fantasy, it's actually rather vivid. It will happen. Just keep going girl.
HOLY SHIT. I almost forgot to talk about the work you produce. Girl. Keep making that shit. The world needs to hear from you. Whether that's sketch, improv, or stand up, keep making stuff. You are very good at this little thing we call "comedy". People are attracted to you when you speak. I know I am. That's why I have too many videos of your beautiful red hair on my phone. I don't want to fuel your ego, but you're very talented.
On another note, I'm always proud of you. Don't ever forget that. You've come so far within the last 10 months in Chicago and you've only just begun. I'm your Chicago stage mom and will support you in all of your endeavors.
I don't know what else to say other than I'm so blessed to have you in my life and I can't wait to see what the future holds for you. Wait, I'm sorry, I can't wait to see what you yank out of the future because you are a do-er, not a dreamer.
I love you so much Jersey. I'm here as long as you want me. Thanks for letting me be a part of your life.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
LOVE,
Nickelback
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
I'm a terrible friend and haven't gotten you anything yet for your birthday, not even a card. So to appease this transgression, I'm devoting an entire blog post to you.
The first time I saw your beautiful face was on September 2nd, 2014 in Jeff Grigg's Improvisational Techniques 1 class. You were wearing a dress I believe and had a flame in your eyes for the art of improv. I remember thinking while we were warming up, "Fuck, this girl is good."
Fast forward to you, on September 7th, 2014, messaging me on Facebook asking to go to the free improv set at Second City. You always thought it was weird that you did that but I was glad. I have always known that you were the kind of person I wanted to be around.
Jordan Lee Cohen, I often tell you this, but you inspire me on a daily basis. From the way you work, to the way you love other people, I'm always in awe of you. There have been so many times that I've needed you and you've always been there for me. Half of the time it was you saying, "Stop that, dummy." Other times it was a quiet and loving, "You are going to be okay."
My favorite thing about our relationship is that I believe with my whole heart that we were meant to meet and help each other through this strange transition in our lives. If I didn't have you, I might have given up a long time ago. Your presence in my life is felt every day even if we don't always talk.
One of my favorite things about you is your ability to make people feel at ease. Almost everyone you meet (Except Charles lol) feels better about themselves after having met you. You have a wonderful ability to make people feel important and cared for. This is another thing that makes you a great improviser. One of the best I've ever seen. I often imagine you on the ETC stage and it's not a far fetched fantasy, it's actually rather vivid. It will happen. Just keep going girl.
HOLY SHIT. I almost forgot to talk about the work you produce. Girl. Keep making that shit. The world needs to hear from you. Whether that's sketch, improv, or stand up, keep making stuff. You are very good at this little thing we call "comedy". People are attracted to you when you speak. I know I am. That's why I have too many videos of your beautiful red hair on my phone. I don't want to fuel your ego, but you're very talented.
On another note, I'm always proud of you. Don't ever forget that. You've come so far within the last 10 months in Chicago and you've only just begun. I'm your Chicago stage mom and will support you in all of your endeavors.
I don't know what else to say other than I'm so blessed to have you in my life and I can't wait to see what the future holds for you. Wait, I'm sorry, I can't wait to see what you yank out of the future because you are a do-er, not a dreamer.
I love you so much Jersey. I'm here as long as you want me. Thanks for letting me be a part of your life.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
LOVE,
Nickelback
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
Thursday, July 2, 2015
Tay-Tay For the Win
I'm actually under the belief that Taylor Swift has written/will write a song for everything. Here's a song that was me about a month ago.
"This is falling in love in the cruelest way, this is falling for you when you are worlds away."
https://youtu.be/WRR1cM-l0RU
Enjoy, all you love birds in different time zones. It's a good one.
Happy Fourth of July.
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
"This is falling in love in the cruelest way, this is falling for you when you are worlds away."
https://youtu.be/WRR1cM-l0RU
Enjoy, all you love birds in different time zones. It's a good one.
Happy Fourth of July.
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
Sunday, June 21, 2015
Happy Deadbeat Fathers Day
Hey there father infested internet! I hope everyone is enjoying time with their fathers or at least had a nice long talk about some sports event or fixing something in your apartment. I have not called my father yet seeing as he is probably napping because he is a feeble old man at the ripe age of 52. But I'm not going to spend this whole blog tearing into John. I'm passed that. Instead, I'm going to say a few words for those without a father today.
John Back was never really a father to me. This man has never given me an advice other than the classic, "Take it easy, brother!" (A mantra for the ages). My dad fell, not only out of my life, but out of his own life many moons ago and I still mourn this like a death. No one should grow up without the support of both parents but unfortunately it happens. My dad chose his pain over me. He chose to live a spiteful life full of regrets and anger instead of enjoying a life with the family that he created, even with it a little broken.
It took me many years to even understand that last sentence. I ALWAYS blamed myself. I said, "Maybe if I was less like my mom, maybe if I was funnier, maybe if I was more like my brothers, maybe he would want to be in my life. Maybe I would have a dad if I was different." I have only recently realized that I'm perfectly fine the way I am. Changing myself never would have helped him because it was up to him to change himself. My dad is the kind of person who lives in constantly anger. He could never focus on the joy of his life. He had three beautiful, hilarious children every weekend and what did we do? Watch Sport Center and play Craps while he drank Milwaukee's Best Light and faded in and out of consciousness. Then when Sunday came, he would send us to my Grandma's so he could get more drunk alone. Not a fun time. But he didn't know how else to deal. The reason for the divorce was this behavior so why would he change? He wouldn't because that's not what he was taught to do. He was taught that when bad things happen, it's always someone else's fault and not his own. When you grow up like that, you never feel the need to change.
Now when I feel sad about my dad and his lack of a presence in my life, I think about what life would have been like if I was raised with these same ideas and I feel lucky. I was lucky to have other people in my life to teach me that life shouldn't be like that. Matt Hayes, specifically, was the best replacement dad a girl could have. Matt Hayes was my youth minister. Throughout my high school career, he taught me that life is scary and sad and funny and wonderful. We just have to laugh with and at it. He taught me that I'm not defined by what has happened to me. I'm defined by my own actions. I'm defined by how I react to these things. I will always wish Matt a Happy Fathers Day because he is really the person who raised me into the woman I am today. Now Matt has 4 daughters of his own and I'm so excited for the way those girls will love the world. Same goes for his son. Anyone who comes from Crystal and Matt's DNA will be good people and will help the world. I just know it. Thank you, Baby Face. You're the best. I hope you're having the best Father's Day!
I can't forget my mother as well. This woman divorced my dad to become the woman she was always supposed to be. She stopped accepting this behavior from him and made a change. That decision may have wrecked my dad but it saved my mother's life. Again, I cannot imagine growing up in a household with my dad. My dad constantly making my mother feel less than, telling her that she was average and me watching this and believing this is how relationships are supposed to be. My mother had the courage to get out of an emotionally abusive relationship and I can never thank her enough. Once she did that for herself, life became very hard for her and our family. We moved a lot, she had some trouble with my brothers and has been lonely for a long time. BUT she is exactly who she wants to be. This was the most wonderful example to grow up around. The idea of being yourself no matter how hard that may be stayed with me and helped me through the disaster I call adolescence. I was a strange child. I was picked on a lot for being different. That's very normal. But I was lucky to have a mom that said, "You are unique in your own way. You are Stargirl. Don't you EVER let ANYONE dull your shine." If it weren't for her, I would not be the quirky, goofy, emotional person I am today. I would have submitted to being just like everyone else and that sounds terribly boring. Thank you, Shyrleen Elizabeth Doughty and Happy Father's Day.
I have one last thing to say about my dad and why I don't get sad about this topic anymore. My dad's life must be so sad. I look around at all of the people I love, how much fun I'm having on a daily basis, and how the choice of happiness is the best decision ever to be made. Then I look at the life of John Back. Alone. Drunk 24/7. Only friend is his mother. He made his decision and he chose wrong. He doesn't have me in his life and that is sad. I'm a very good daughter who would have brought him so much joy if he fucking paid attention to anything but his pain. So I can't be angry with him anymore. I recently sent him a letter that received no response. For those who know me, you know that if I send you a letter, I care a lot about you. Postage is a serious expense to me and I don't do it lightly. Mail brightens people's day. In a world full of notifications and texts, letters are a wonderful way to show that I care enough to take time to sit down and focus on the entertainment of one person for a couple of minutes. That really means something to me. I did this for my dead beat dad because I thought about how this could possibly brighten his dark world. Everyone loves mail. Even an angry old man. So I sent it with the hope of making him smile for once. I honestly hope he did.
IN CONCLUSION, for everyone out there having a hard day not focusing on the hole a fatherless life can leave, look around at the people who were there and thank them today. Your family is not limited to those who share your blood, it is also the people that choose you to this day. They say, "I'm sticking around even though I don't have to." Love those people today. Male, female, or dog. Love them because everyone needs to hear that they're doing something right. Also, if you can bring yourself to do it, be the bigger person, and call him. It might be the only joy he'll find today.
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
John Back was never really a father to me. This man has never given me an advice other than the classic, "Take it easy, brother!" (A mantra for the ages). My dad fell, not only out of my life, but out of his own life many moons ago and I still mourn this like a death. No one should grow up without the support of both parents but unfortunately it happens. My dad chose his pain over me. He chose to live a spiteful life full of regrets and anger instead of enjoying a life with the family that he created, even with it a little broken.
It took me many years to even understand that last sentence. I ALWAYS blamed myself. I said, "Maybe if I was less like my mom, maybe if I was funnier, maybe if I was more like my brothers, maybe he would want to be in my life. Maybe I would have a dad if I was different." I have only recently realized that I'm perfectly fine the way I am. Changing myself never would have helped him because it was up to him to change himself. My dad is the kind of person who lives in constantly anger. He could never focus on the joy of his life. He had three beautiful, hilarious children every weekend and what did we do? Watch Sport Center and play Craps while he drank Milwaukee's Best Light and faded in and out of consciousness. Then when Sunday came, he would send us to my Grandma's so he could get more drunk alone. Not a fun time. But he didn't know how else to deal. The reason for the divorce was this behavior so why would he change? He wouldn't because that's not what he was taught to do. He was taught that when bad things happen, it's always someone else's fault and not his own. When you grow up like that, you never feel the need to change.
Now when I feel sad about my dad and his lack of a presence in my life, I think about what life would have been like if I was raised with these same ideas and I feel lucky. I was lucky to have other people in my life to teach me that life shouldn't be like that. Matt Hayes, specifically, was the best replacement dad a girl could have. Matt Hayes was my youth minister. Throughout my high school career, he taught me that life is scary and sad and funny and wonderful. We just have to laugh with and at it. He taught me that I'm not defined by what has happened to me. I'm defined by my own actions. I'm defined by how I react to these things. I will always wish Matt a Happy Fathers Day because he is really the person who raised me into the woman I am today. Now Matt has 4 daughters of his own and I'm so excited for the way those girls will love the world. Same goes for his son. Anyone who comes from Crystal and Matt's DNA will be good people and will help the world. I just know it. Thank you, Baby Face. You're the best. I hope you're having the best Father's Day!
I can't forget my mother as well. This woman divorced my dad to become the woman she was always supposed to be. She stopped accepting this behavior from him and made a change. That decision may have wrecked my dad but it saved my mother's life. Again, I cannot imagine growing up in a household with my dad. My dad constantly making my mother feel less than, telling her that she was average and me watching this and believing this is how relationships are supposed to be. My mother had the courage to get out of an emotionally abusive relationship and I can never thank her enough. Once she did that for herself, life became very hard for her and our family. We moved a lot, she had some trouble with my brothers and has been lonely for a long time. BUT she is exactly who she wants to be. This was the most wonderful example to grow up around. The idea of being yourself no matter how hard that may be stayed with me and helped me through the disaster I call adolescence. I was a strange child. I was picked on a lot for being different. That's very normal. But I was lucky to have a mom that said, "You are unique in your own way. You are Stargirl. Don't you EVER let ANYONE dull your shine." If it weren't for her, I would not be the quirky, goofy, emotional person I am today. I would have submitted to being just like everyone else and that sounds terribly boring. Thank you, Shyrleen Elizabeth Doughty and Happy Father's Day.
I have one last thing to say about my dad and why I don't get sad about this topic anymore. My dad's life must be so sad. I look around at all of the people I love, how much fun I'm having on a daily basis, and how the choice of happiness is the best decision ever to be made. Then I look at the life of John Back. Alone. Drunk 24/7. Only friend is his mother. He made his decision and he chose wrong. He doesn't have me in his life and that is sad. I'm a very good daughter who would have brought him so much joy if he fucking paid attention to anything but his pain. So I can't be angry with him anymore. I recently sent him a letter that received no response. For those who know me, you know that if I send you a letter, I care a lot about you. Postage is a serious expense to me and I don't do it lightly. Mail brightens people's day. In a world full of notifications and texts, letters are a wonderful way to show that I care enough to take time to sit down and focus on the entertainment of one person for a couple of minutes. That really means something to me. I did this for my dead beat dad because I thought about how this could possibly brighten his dark world. Everyone loves mail. Even an angry old man. So I sent it with the hope of making him smile for once. I honestly hope he did.
IN CONCLUSION, for everyone out there having a hard day not focusing on the hole a fatherless life can leave, look around at the people who were there and thank them today. Your family is not limited to those who share your blood, it is also the people that choose you to this day. They say, "I'm sticking around even though I don't have to." Love those people today. Male, female, or dog. Love them because everyone needs to hear that they're doing something right. Also, if you can bring yourself to do it, be the bigger person, and call him. It might be the only joy he'll find today.
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
Sunday, June 7, 2015
Vegging Out
Summer 2015 is the last summer I get before I become a real human. I'm not paying rent (thanks to some beautiful friends of mine), I have a job that only needs me on the weekends meaning I get 4 days completely to myself, and I don't have any bills to pay (that will majorly affect my credit...Target REDCARD). This should be the summer of fun and youthful drinking. If I'm not drunk on Lake Michigan at least twice a month, I feel like I'm not doing my societal duty. This should also be the summer I can really focus on comedy.
I'm having a hard time doing either of those things. I find myself vegging out a little bit too much. I get out of work on Sunday night, I go home, perhaps smoke a little, watch some Doctor Who, listen to sappy lovey dovey music and/or Miniature Tigers (both have the same affect on my brain, heart and soul), and fall asleep. This repeats almost every day until Thursday when I have to go to my internship.
My main defense for this repeated behavior is that my first year at Columbia really took it out of me. I don't think I've ever been challenged in the way was there.
When I was at Sinclair, it was definitely difficult. But it was difficult because I was finally learning how to be a good student. After years of fighting my mother about school, I got to college and realized I really need to just take the time to do my work. It's crazy how being in a field you actually care about makes you want to do well. At Sinclair, I was putting in 12-14 hour days for several months of those two years. Class, working in the shop, and rehearsals made my life outside of school slim to none. Weekends and even after late night rehearsals were devoted to homework.
Now I know that this is a classic story of being a student. I know I'm not some saint or martyr for going through all this. I also know this would be easy in comparison to many others I've known. All I'm saying is that it was difficult for me. Very difficult but very rewarding.
At Sinclair, almost every moment of my time was scheduled for school or the costume shop. I remember during Spamalot (Fall 2013), I had a full schedule, shop hours when I wasn't in class, then would work more hours in the shop from 5-10pm. Then when the show opened, I was helping run front of house/box office before the show started then immediately ran backstage and worked on costume run crew, only to have to run back out and do my front of house duties after the show was over. That was one of the craziest and most fun experiences in my entire life. But the point is my life was incredibly scheduled.
At Columbia, this is not the case until my second semester. I had the luxury of On-Campus living, not having a job, and being able to focus only on school. This being said, it was one of the most emotionally and physically taxing years of my life so far (I know it'll get worse but for the better).
I took the work ethic I built at Sinclair and dove right into Columbia with open arms. My first semester, I did anything that was offered to me. I was auditioning regularly, going to Improv Club, doing improv jams, doing open mics, short films, film projects, etc. All of these things that were incredibly helpful in my second semester.
By my second semester, some people actually knew me. This is hard to do in a school as large as Columbia. I had worked with comedy majors, television majors, acting majors, directing majors and film majors. I was getting "work" without having to search it out. That's a real blessing but spoiled me a little.
Now I'm still getting work even in the summer, but I've lost the drive to search for it. I should be going to open mics and improv jams as religiously as I was that first semester but I feel myself getting comfortable. The same thing happened in Dayton. I started to take all of these opportunities for granted instead of diving in and enjoying the hustle and bustle of it all.
Columbia also challenged me differently because it taught me that making my own work is not only a possibility but also very important. Before this point, I always felt like I had to wait until I was good enough. From the many artsy fartsy classes I took in the past two semesters, I've learned you won't be good unless you make shitty work. Shitty work that you love. I had a stage manager at Sinclair that always used to tell us this Chinese proverb or Yogi teabag quote (I'm not sure which), "You cannot change something that doesn't exist." When I got the Columbia, that finally applied to my comedy. I had to get rid of the fear of being wrong, and replace it with a hope to improve. Revising is the key to success when it comes to anything but especially in comedy. You have to do it to see if it works. If it's sitting in your brain, you'll never know. I had to learn to just put it on paper and try not to cringe too much when it was read aloud in class.
I haven't written a joke or a sketch for about a month and I feel like a waste of space. I find things funny. I have good ideas. I just get stuck in my vegetable state and tell myself I'll do it later. I find I can't work where I sleep. There is no inspiration in a place that I see every day. Coffee shops are my writing sanctuary but I haven't had the money to go and spend a day at one. Now I have to money but still haven't. I keep telling myself it's because of this or that or another dumb excuse but it's really just laziness. I'm tired from the semester but I can't stop because of that. I've got to keep making work. What's going to happen when I graduate? Am I just going to stop because I don't have a teacher breathing down my neck? If I keep the same mentality, probably. I need to start getting into the habit of writing on the regular. Whether that's weekly or daily, I'm not sure yet but it needs to be on a regular schedule.
I'm also embarrassed by how much I think about this boy instead of comedy. I'm notoriously boy crazy but I thought I had calmed down after my last lesson/relationship. I do miss him and I'm not going to play it cool and pretend I don't. Now I'm not always thinking about him. When I'm with friends or at work, I focus on what's happening and live my fucking life. I'm not that pathetic. My problem is that whenever my mind wanders, it wanders to him. This does not help me stay motivated at all. My friends say he'll be back before I know it but I feel like that advice is only valid if I keep busy. If I sit around waiting for him to snapchat me, the time will pass terribly slowly.
I have no ending to this blog because I haven't quite figured out what I'm going to do about it yet. Monday, I'm going to lunch with one of my future roommates, then I'm going straight to a coffee shop to figure this shit out. I won't wait for the next school year or a boy to come home. I need to get in the habit of making my life happen, not waiting. Whether that's auditioning like crazy, improvising every chance I get, or writing my own ANYTHING, I need to start doing it now. That's all I know.
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
I'm having a hard time doing either of those things. I find myself vegging out a little bit too much. I get out of work on Sunday night, I go home, perhaps smoke a little, watch some Doctor Who, listen to sappy lovey dovey music and/or Miniature Tigers (both have the same affect on my brain, heart and soul), and fall asleep. This repeats almost every day until Thursday when I have to go to my internship.
My main defense for this repeated behavior is that my first year at Columbia really took it out of me. I don't think I've ever been challenged in the way was there.
When I was at Sinclair, it was definitely difficult. But it was difficult because I was finally learning how to be a good student. After years of fighting my mother about school, I got to college and realized I really need to just take the time to do my work. It's crazy how being in a field you actually care about makes you want to do well. At Sinclair, I was putting in 12-14 hour days for several months of those two years. Class, working in the shop, and rehearsals made my life outside of school slim to none. Weekends and even after late night rehearsals were devoted to homework.
Now I know that this is a classic story of being a student. I know I'm not some saint or martyr for going through all this. I also know this would be easy in comparison to many others I've known. All I'm saying is that it was difficult for me. Very difficult but very rewarding.
At Sinclair, almost every moment of my time was scheduled for school or the costume shop. I remember during Spamalot (Fall 2013), I had a full schedule, shop hours when I wasn't in class, then would work more hours in the shop from 5-10pm. Then when the show opened, I was helping run front of house/box office before the show started then immediately ran backstage and worked on costume run crew, only to have to run back out and do my front of house duties after the show was over. That was one of the craziest and most fun experiences in my entire life. But the point is my life was incredibly scheduled.
At Columbia, this is not the case until my second semester. I had the luxury of On-Campus living, not having a job, and being able to focus only on school. This being said, it was one of the most emotionally and physically taxing years of my life so far (I know it'll get worse but for the better).
I took the work ethic I built at Sinclair and dove right into Columbia with open arms. My first semester, I did anything that was offered to me. I was auditioning regularly, going to Improv Club, doing improv jams, doing open mics, short films, film projects, etc. All of these things that were incredibly helpful in my second semester.
By my second semester, some people actually knew me. This is hard to do in a school as large as Columbia. I had worked with comedy majors, television majors, acting majors, directing majors and film majors. I was getting "work" without having to search it out. That's a real blessing but spoiled me a little.
Now I'm still getting work even in the summer, but I've lost the drive to search for it. I should be going to open mics and improv jams as religiously as I was that first semester but I feel myself getting comfortable. The same thing happened in Dayton. I started to take all of these opportunities for granted instead of diving in and enjoying the hustle and bustle of it all.
Columbia also challenged me differently because it taught me that making my own work is not only a possibility but also very important. Before this point, I always felt like I had to wait until I was good enough. From the many artsy fartsy classes I took in the past two semesters, I've learned you won't be good unless you make shitty work. Shitty work that you love. I had a stage manager at Sinclair that always used to tell us this Chinese proverb or Yogi teabag quote (I'm not sure which), "You cannot change something that doesn't exist." When I got the Columbia, that finally applied to my comedy. I had to get rid of the fear of being wrong, and replace it with a hope to improve. Revising is the key to success when it comes to anything but especially in comedy. You have to do it to see if it works. If it's sitting in your brain, you'll never know. I had to learn to just put it on paper and try not to cringe too much when it was read aloud in class.
I haven't written a joke or a sketch for about a month and I feel like a waste of space. I find things funny. I have good ideas. I just get stuck in my vegetable state and tell myself I'll do it later. I find I can't work where I sleep. There is no inspiration in a place that I see every day. Coffee shops are my writing sanctuary but I haven't had the money to go and spend a day at one. Now I have to money but still haven't. I keep telling myself it's because of this or that or another dumb excuse but it's really just laziness. I'm tired from the semester but I can't stop because of that. I've got to keep making work. What's going to happen when I graduate? Am I just going to stop because I don't have a teacher breathing down my neck? If I keep the same mentality, probably. I need to start getting into the habit of writing on the regular. Whether that's weekly or daily, I'm not sure yet but it needs to be on a regular schedule.
I'm also embarrassed by how much I think about this boy instead of comedy. I'm notoriously boy crazy but I thought I had calmed down after my last lesson/relationship. I do miss him and I'm not going to play it cool and pretend I don't. Now I'm not always thinking about him. When I'm with friends or at work, I focus on what's happening and live my fucking life. I'm not that pathetic. My problem is that whenever my mind wanders, it wanders to him. This does not help me stay motivated at all. My friends say he'll be back before I know it but I feel like that advice is only valid if I keep busy. If I sit around waiting for him to snapchat me, the time will pass terribly slowly.
I have no ending to this blog because I haven't quite figured out what I'm going to do about it yet. Monday, I'm going to lunch with one of my future roommates, then I'm going straight to a coffee shop to figure this shit out. I won't wait for the next school year or a boy to come home. I need to get in the habit of making my life happen, not waiting. Whether that's auditioning like crazy, improvising every chance I get, or writing my own ANYTHING, I need to start doing it now. That's all I know.
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
Thursday, May 21, 2015
443 Miles
I HAVE SOME VERY EXCITING NEWS, WORLD!!! ARE YOU READY?!
I have, for the second summer in a row, found myself in a long distance relationship (or whatever)! Isn't that ever so exciting readers?! I'm very excited about this new commitment to always get feelings for the physically unattainable. I think it's the exact thing I need to never be sane again!
But seriously. The boy I've been talking about on here is now 443 miles away (no I didn't googlemaps that exact number; leave me alone) and will not be returning AT ALL until August. Upon hearing this for the first time, I was rather upset. Even though we weren't even slightly a thing when he told me, I realized that if this became a "thing" I would, yet again, have to deal with the nasty beast of distance. Luckily, I'm no stranger to LDR's (as they call them on Pinterest).
Last summer, I was in a relationship with the infamous Charles. Actually, we went on our first date a year ago yesterday so the timing of my whining is perfect. Charles lived in Columbus while I lived in Dayton. That is about an hour and a half drive if you're speeding. This doesn't seem like a huge distance to most but for two poor college kids, it was difficult. We saw each other MAYBE once a week but often would go two weeks or so without seeing each other. Twas difficult for us.
Being the terribly insecure person I was before I moved to Chicago, I was always terrified he'd fall out of love with me. The distance made me unable to get the constant reassurance I needed at the time. I would sit around and try to think of ways to keep myself on his mind. I called often, texted often, and even sent him a letter hoping to start a mail based dialogue. That letter became a major point of contention in our relationship because he never replied. But that is a separate issue I may bring up in the future (hopefully not). The point of mentioning all of that is that I became obsessed with the idea of proof that he existed. At that point in time, I was also months away from moving to Chicago and knew we were going to break up the minute I started the car. So this obsession with proof was fueled by our inevitable doom. This made me live in a constant state of sadness and dread. Knowing that I would only have him for so long made it hard to enjoy the time I had with him. At a time when I should have been enjoying myself and the people around me, I was worried about whether a boy was thinking about me and missing me as much as I was missing him. This was so foolish and fills me with regret. Not only is that a bad way to go about a relationship it also affected the relationship in a serious way. When you think about something too much, you start to over think and put more meaning into everything. What I mean by that can only be explained by telling you that by the end of the summer, I basically told him he was the greatest love of my life and that I wanted to marry him. We had only known each other for 3 months. Over thinking caused me to idolize this man into my soulmate when he should have been put in my book as just a guy I loved. I'm still embarrassed by that to this day.
My current long distance relationship (or whatever) is under significantly different circumstances. We started seeing each other (whatever that means) a couple of months before distance became an issue, at the end of the summer we will live in the same city, and I'm no longer searching for the same reassurance. The great part about a second time, is that you learn from the first. I know exactly where this relationship (or whatever) stands, I know he misses me too, and I know that I get to choose what upsets me. All of those things combined will make this summer significantly easier. I won't spend the next three months dreaming of his return. I may spend a couple of minutes...let's be honest, hours but I won't spend the bulk of my time thinking about it. I will spend time with my friends, focus on work, write some good comedy, and do a little traveling to the state of New Jersey (Jordan Lee Cohen).
Conclusion paragraph: I'm gonna be happy even though the boy that makes me the happiest is miles away. The end. (Check back in a month when I'm crying about it again)
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
I have, for the second summer in a row, found myself in a long distance relationship (or whatever)! Isn't that ever so exciting readers?! I'm very excited about this new commitment to always get feelings for the physically unattainable. I think it's the exact thing I need to never be sane again!
But seriously. The boy I've been talking about on here is now 443 miles away (no I didn't googlemaps that exact number; leave me alone) and will not be returning AT ALL until August. Upon hearing this for the first time, I was rather upset. Even though we weren't even slightly a thing when he told me, I realized that if this became a "thing" I would, yet again, have to deal with the nasty beast of distance. Luckily, I'm no stranger to LDR's (as they call them on Pinterest).
Last summer, I was in a relationship with the infamous Charles. Actually, we went on our first date a year ago yesterday so the timing of my whining is perfect. Charles lived in Columbus while I lived in Dayton. That is about an hour and a half drive if you're speeding. This doesn't seem like a huge distance to most but for two poor college kids, it was difficult. We saw each other MAYBE once a week but often would go two weeks or so without seeing each other. Twas difficult for us.
Being the terribly insecure person I was before I moved to Chicago, I was always terrified he'd fall out of love with me. The distance made me unable to get the constant reassurance I needed at the time. I would sit around and try to think of ways to keep myself on his mind. I called often, texted often, and even sent him a letter hoping to start a mail based dialogue. That letter became a major point of contention in our relationship because he never replied. But that is a separate issue I may bring up in the future (hopefully not). The point of mentioning all of that is that I became obsessed with the idea of proof that he existed. At that point in time, I was also months away from moving to Chicago and knew we were going to break up the minute I started the car. So this obsession with proof was fueled by our inevitable doom. This made me live in a constant state of sadness and dread. Knowing that I would only have him for so long made it hard to enjoy the time I had with him. At a time when I should have been enjoying myself and the people around me, I was worried about whether a boy was thinking about me and missing me as much as I was missing him. This was so foolish and fills me with regret. Not only is that a bad way to go about a relationship it also affected the relationship in a serious way. When you think about something too much, you start to over think and put more meaning into everything. What I mean by that can only be explained by telling you that by the end of the summer, I basically told him he was the greatest love of my life and that I wanted to marry him. We had only known each other for 3 months. Over thinking caused me to idolize this man into my soulmate when he should have been put in my book as just a guy I loved. I'm still embarrassed by that to this day.
My current long distance relationship (or whatever) is under significantly different circumstances. We started seeing each other (whatever that means) a couple of months before distance became an issue, at the end of the summer we will live in the same city, and I'm no longer searching for the same reassurance. The great part about a second time, is that you learn from the first. I know exactly where this relationship (or whatever) stands, I know he misses me too, and I know that I get to choose what upsets me. All of those things combined will make this summer significantly easier. I won't spend the next three months dreaming of his return. I may spend a couple of minutes...let's be honest, hours but I won't spend the bulk of my time thinking about it. I will spend time with my friends, focus on work, write some good comedy, and do a little traveling to the state of New Jersey (Jordan Lee Cohen).
Conclusion paragraph: I'm gonna be happy even though the boy that makes me the happiest is miles away. The end. (Check back in a month when I'm crying about it again)
Thanks for listening. Come back for more.
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