A Quote I Love But I Can't Put Right On Facebook Because I'm Not In 7th Grade Anymore

And yes, I did find it on Pinterest. Bite me.

"This is why once you've traveled for the first time all you want to do is leave again. They call it the travel bug but really it's the effort to return to a place where you are surrounded by people who speak the same language as you. Not English or Spanish or Mandarin or Portuguese but that language where others know what it's like to leave. change. grow. experience. learn. then go home again and feel more lost in your hometown than you did in the most foreign place you visited. This is the hardest part about traveling and it's the very reason why we all run away again."

If you can't tell, I kinda, sorta, wanna go back to Europe.

THAT'S ALL FOR TODAY, FOLKS.


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A Love Letter To My Ever Growing Belly

My dearest belly,

With every shower, with every outfit change, with every tagged picture on Instagram, I see you growing. I watch you grow and wonder if you'll ever stop. I wonder if this is the female body I dreamed for when I was 101 pounds. When I wanted to grow up so fast and wanted my body to follow suit.

I wonder what it will be like the next time I allow a man to see you in your full glory. For a second I wonder what he'll think but then I remember it is a privilege for him to see you at all. One he shouldn't take for granted by having any sort of opinions. I remember if he does express negative opinions about you, I will be showing him the door. 

I think about you getting larger as my life goes on. I feel so many emotions through you. My anxiety feels like it's eating you. Lust feels like I've let critters lose in you. Mourning feels like I'm rid of you. You are the first sign that I am feeling these things. I thank you for being honest with me when I was unable to be honest to myself. I pray you continue to show me how I really feel. 

I think of how you are meant to house my children someday. I think of how much larger you could become while growing my carbon copy. I'm sorry if you wanted to do that, I will not be producing a carbon copy. You will be empty of children for all of your days, if I have any say in the matter. I'm sorry because I know you yearn to have them. 

But I will still use you to hold the children I raise. Children from another woman's belly. I will rest them on my hips, their legs will brush up against you and I hope you will still feel the excitement my heart will feel. The commitment to their wellbeing in my brain will hopefully give you a sense of purpose.

As I grow older, I hope to write more letters to you like this. Thanking you for being a part of me. Thanking you for nourishing me daily. Promising to never hate you, abuse you, or go on horrible diets to shrink you. I ask that in return you remain good to me. If you can help it. Digest my food, weather through my periods. I ask that you keep doing these two things. 

With that request, I bid you farewell. JK you're right here no matter what. You will certainly be here on this turkey day, where I will full you to your brim, and then some. Thank you. I love you. Keep growing the way you feel fit. 

Sincerely,

Sydney

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Modern Love Podcast

Tonight, I was walking into my apartment with a dear friend. We were talking about podcasts while we ascended and descended the many stairs to my apartment (you'd have to see it to understand). I mentioned that I'm currently listening to a podcast called Modern Love. Not originally a podcast, Modern Love is a reader submitted column in the New York Times. For 13 years people have been writing essays about their marriages, divorces, almost lovers, abortions, births and manic pixie dream girls. The podcast features actors reading these essays, followed by updates on the writer's life after the essay was published. It's food for my optimistic soul. I was telling all of this to Laura then right as we approached my front door, I said a sentence that I haven't stopped thinking about since. A sentence that would NEVER have come out of my mouth for the last 6 years. A sentence that warmed my chest as it escaped my painted lips. A sentence that is not new or revolutionary to the world, but only to me.

I said, "I don't have a love life right now so it's really good to..." blah blah blah. "I don't have a love life right now."

This sentence was said with the most respect for myself I have ever had. Most of my days, when I mention being single it would be more passive and more self deprecating. More like, "Since nobody is trying to get in this." I would hurt to say those words. Even mentioning I didn't have a suitor or men chasing after me shook my self worth. It seemed to be one of the plates I was always spinning. Crushing on men, going on dates with men, falling in love with men; these were always in my queue. My love life was my life. How I was doing with that, was how I was doing period. It was exhausting.

When I said the sentence above, I didn't lower my eyes or try to say it in a funny voice. I just said it. I just meant it. My love life does not have a stake in my emotions and how I spend my time right now. It just doesn't. Don't get me wrong, I think about men daily. I think about improvisers I would love to smooch but can't because, well, they're improvisers , co-workers whose sleeves show off their rowers arms, The Birthday Boys sketch group (every hour). I think about these men. But I don't long for these men. I don't change the way I speak to them. I don't change the way I act to please them. I don't change my volume while talking to my friends to get their attention. I just live within the moments I spend with them. It's no longer predatory. It's just real. Honest. Bravely being me without PRAYING someone falls in love with it.

I don't have a love life right now. I'm spending my life loving me with no guarantee a man will too and it still feels pretty damn good.

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Dear 18 year old me,

Dear 18 year old me,

What's Up? Ha. Well I already know what's up. I lived through it. So yes, you will live through this. You're sexually active now. Cool! Congrats. I guess. It's such a huge thing for you right now. It's changing your idea of who you are every second since it started. You now think, "If I'm not going to be virgin until marriage, I must lean into being a whore." These are evil thoughts and will lead you to make some horrible decisions. These thought will also lead you to believe that the way men treat you during sex is justified and just the way sex works. You've been taught in church so many wonderful things but the one down fall, as you are coming to realize, is how a healthy sexual relationship feels. You've been taught over and over about the consequences of having sex before marriage. That's really all you've been taught. So your brain has resigned to thinking that because you're having sex, all the bad parts are supposed to be happening.

Remember the first time when you were bleeding down your leg? Remember when you pushed on his shoulder and he didn't stop? Remember when you thought, "He doesn't care if I'm uncomfortable. This is what sex is." Well, just so you know in the coming years, the fear in that story will fade from you entirely. You will tell that story as one of your best stand up routines. It will become your coping mechanism. It has a very good punchline. Probably a hundred of people over 5 years will laugh at your red handed joke. You will laugh at the red handed joke. The man in the red handed joke will tell you he remembers what kind of burrito he had in his coat pocket that night but because he was so drunk, he can't remember your naked body up against the shower faucet bleeding, cold and on the verge of tears. He will become a dear friend. I still hold him as a dear friend despite all of this.

Then one day, 5 years later, sexual assault will become a daily topic. You will post a "Me too" status (you'll understand in 2017/Harvey Weinstein is a sexual predator and so is our president but I'm not going to ruin the fun surprise of who that is). You will regret that because you feel like you haven't really been through that. Your motivation for posting that comes from another experience where you went to a prominent Cincinnati comedian’s apartment to hook up, didn't, told him you were going to sleep on his couch, then woke up later to his naked body on top of you begging for a blowjob. You'll do it because you're afraid of him for reasons you can't explain. You will never call that anything because you were lucky enough to move to Chicago the next week. You’ll only bring this up to two friends and one of them will tell an entire room of comedians that this man raped you. You will never trust that person ever again. You will never talk about it to anyone again.

A week after the "Me Too" status, you'll remember the actual story from your first time I told above. The fear and the loneliness and the pain you felt. You'll realize you will never call it anything other than an unfortunate first time.  18 year old you believed when you have sex before marriage, you are supposed to be uncomfortable, hurt and you deserve what's coming. 23 year old you can't change her story now. After all, it gave her 5 years of great stand up material.

So moving forward with your sexual life know that you have the right to say "No" or "Stop" or "I would like you to use protection" or "I'm uncomfortable with that specific sex act." or "I don't want to have sex anymore." You have the RIGHT to say no in a hundred different ways even if he’s begging you. You won't for many years. For that, I am so sorry.

I love you, enjoy the rest of college and spoiler alert Donald Trump has the nuclear codes now.

Warmly,
23 year old me

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The Price You Pay.

Pinterest presented me with a quote (by "presented" I mean, I scrolled through Pinterest in my bed for hours to find) that captures a feeling I've been trying to articulate for a very long time. It reads:

"You will never be completely at home again, because part of your heart always will be elsewhere. That is the price you pay for loving and knowing people in more than one place."

I don't know the joy of a parent when they meet their baby for the first time. I have no clue what doctors feel when they save a person's life for the first time. Heck, I barely even know what it's like to live in the same place for more than 10 years.

But I do know that I know a wealth of beautiful, intelligent, empathetic, funny, cocky, insane, competent, lovely people. Whether it's the drunk (and incredibly honest) people on my tour, the Parisians I met in a bar off the main drag in France or just living in the 3rd largest city where I see hundreds of different people a day just on the train going to and from work, I have seen/met a surprising amount of people in my 23 years. I have seen hundreds of distinct wrinkles, heard hundreds of belly laughs, and smelled the natural (or unnatural) perfumes of hundreds of people who have lives just as complex and nuanced as my own. I've argued with men I met 20 minutes prior when they said A Hard's Days Night has no redeeming qualities. I've commiserated with women in long bathroom lines whose bladders are full of cheap whiskey, who want to get back to their friends just as much as I do thus we become friends with each other. I've learned how to say "Fuck off" in French while drinking Absinthe.

Don't get me wrong, there are days when I wonder if I'm happy without a place to call my forever home. I think, "Would having a mortgage make me happier than having a lease?" I have friends with kids and husbands and ex-husbands. When I see the look on their faces when they look at their bundles of joy or their soulmate, I always question my own life. In recent years while I'm thinking this and looking at their pictures or listening to their experiences, I start to notice something familiar. Something that I've known intimately. The glimmer in their eyes isn't just the look of a new parent or a newlywed. It's pure joy. It is the same glimmer I get when I'm improvising with people I love or in rehearsal with some of the funniest people I've had the pleasure of knowing or meeting someone from a different side of the world who I can talk to for hours. It is the look of belonging.

But with all of this comes a tinge of loneliness. Those wonderful moments of joy are scattered in with hours of mediocre moments. That's okay. That makes those big moments so much better.

It gives me solace that when I get to age or a city I want to settle down in or a person I want to settle down with, I know that I have seen as much of the world as I possibly could. I can't regret my lonely 20s. Those years shaped the confident, strong, and worldly woman that I will become. She will not apologize for taking her time. She looked into the eyes of strangers and soon after called them friends. She loved. She existed. She cared. She adored every minute of it. She LIVED.

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I Believe...

Here's a small list of things I believe, take em or leave em:

-Mayonnaise is nasty.

-Bacon flavored chapstick is worse.

-Shaving your legs is a tradition that was made up as another way for women to feel inferior. HOWEVER, putting my cleanly shaved legs into my bed after I have washed my sheets is orgasmic.

-Statewide Abstinence-Only sex ed is the best way to make sure your state's teen pregnancy rates skyrocket.

-Women are amazing.

-Men can be amazing.

-My friend Barbara makes the prettiest babies.

-My nieces are smarter than me already. The oldest is 7.

-Wrecking Ball is the one of the greatest pop songs of the 21st Century.

-Guns do damage that is quick and permanent. I CAN'T BELIEVE that people are so cavalier about that.

-The NRA doesn't care about your rights. They care about making money off you wanting to exercise your rights.

-French Vanilla creamer is sent from the Gods.

-Empathy is the greatest quality a human can possess.

-Paul Ryan wants to take away poor people's healthcare.

-I have some form of chronic depression or anxiety and it sneaks up on me at weird times (Ex: yesterday before Best Buds at iO Saturdays nights at Midnight. I know you haven't been yet. Just come already!).

-Anna Faris is very good.

-All of my friends are better than all of your friends.

-Friends the TV show doesn't hold up.

-The 90s weren't as cool as you think.

-The 20s weren't as cool as you think.

-The 1520s AD weren't as cool as you think.

-Cat Booty is the best thing I've ever stumbled backwards into.

-My mom is better than French Vanilla creamer.


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O-H

I wrote this a week ago. My feelings remain the same.***



***2 hours ago, I was on a Megabus listening to melancholy songs while staring at the Chicago skyline. Returning from Ohio, I was ready to be back to my chosen place of residence. The place I knew would be MY PLACE from the moment I stepped foot in it 8 years ago. I still feel incredibly lucky to live here but going back to Ohio brought all kinds of new feelings of gratitude and belonging.

With this visit now over, I can say that I have learned two things. 

1) Dayton, OH feels more like my home than the cornfields of New Carlisle, OH in which I actually grew up. 

New Carlisle is where I rode my bike to see my friends, had my first kiss, and felt my first real heartbreak. It's where my mother chose to raise me and my brothers and where she put her blood, sweat and tears into being a mother and a remarkable teacher. It's where I learned to act and sing. It's where I found my faith in God. It's where I met women who will be in my life forever and will always feel the most my self around. 

Dayton is where I drove my car to see my friends, lost my virginity, and dealt with multiple small heartbreaks. It's where my costume teacher took the reigns from my mother and ushered me, somehow kindly and forcefully, into a self actualizing adulthood. It's where I began my stand up and improv career. It's where I lost my faith in God. It's where I learned to sew. It's where I met another life long friend with my same name. 

Both of these places made me the woman that I am. But in one of them, I actually FELT like a woman. Dayton is truly where I "grew up". Not where I spent my childhood or turned 18. I GREW UP. I made many adult mistakes while still acting like a child. I woke up from my small town stupor and realized I don't want to be immature my whole life. I feel thankful. 

2) My home will always the people I love, not the town I'm in. 

Chicago has felt incredibly lonely at times. I'd say about 70% of my time here I have been alone. I don't mean alone as in physically. I have been surrounded by people on train, at a bar, at work while still feeling like I'm not with anyone but myself. That may sound sad. It's truly not. It's the way I prefer to be. Publicly alone. I get to think and plan and write in my head while simultaneously watching people do the same. It's something that has always made me feel very comfortable.
Ohio is so different. It's a place where you can very easily be physically alone all the time. You drive to work alone, you can live in a house alone, you can take a walk almost completely alone. It comforts a lot of my friends but wigs me the fuck out. If I ever get kidnapped and murdered, I guarantee it will be in Ohio.
Besides my distain for small town living, I found that connection with the people you do see can be so much stronger. My affection is still intact with my dearest and oldest friends. The main example from this last trip was when I got the pleasure of going to meet my best friend from high school's new baby girl, Scarlet. I went with my closest high school girlfriends and I'm telling you, I could have stayed with them forever. The laughter was loud and robust and it filled Alison's little car. The house was full of loving looks, discussion of weddings, further education and sharing of important information. I remembered why I spent so much time with these women when we were young. How they fill my heart with so much excitement for life. Part of me wanted to move back just to be close to them again. But then I remembered myself, "You hate this place and you will get snatched in a cornfield if you move back." So I hugged them all and said a silent prayer that maybe they'll take a trip up North to my new home.

When I moved away, something in my heart knew I couldn't stay in Ohio. I couldn't live my best life and grow as a person there. But something I never anticipated was how thankful I would be to go back. So elated to visit and remember where I came from, where my winding road began. The people that changed me. The people whose hearts fill mine so easily. I never knew I'd look back so fondly at the times I spent there while I also see the same people in my future.

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