Around the World

"I really want to travel more." This phrase has come out of so many mouths to me. But alas, people just don't travel. Lack of money gets in the way.

Well, I'm going to travel. I don't have much money and will probably just walk around most trips but its not about buying things. In my humble opinion, traveling is about experiencing a different environment. I could buy stuff from any country on Ebay. I can't tell you how it feels to look at the New York skyline as your plane descends back to earth. I could guess but unless I do it, I'll never know. I'm certain it looks like something I rarely see. Accomplishment.

Last summer, I went on a trip with my good friend Kara to Chicago. We planned and paid for it all by ourselves. Our parents just drove us to the bus station. From that point on, we were on our own. Us against the big world. The bus ride was mostly in the dark so it felt as though we were in a different world.
But then I saw the skyline. Like a lighthouse bringing our boat to shore.
I cried. Seriously! You can ask Kara. I just kept saying, "We did it." I kept saying it to the point that she said, "Okay yeah we did it," out of annoyance.
Though I knew I might have been a bit over emotional, I had accomplished something all by myself. I took the initiative and had arrived at my destination. Some might say, "Yeah cool you bought a bus ticket. Good for you." And those people are wrong. I did so much more than that. I stopped thinking about doing something and I actually did it. I fucking did it. I wouldn't have experienced the things I did if I hadn't bought that bus ticket. I wouldn't known that I wanted to go to college instead of just moving. I wouldn't have known that Chicago is a place I want to live and work. I just wouldn't know.
There is only so much you can learn and feel from a laptop.

So now as I set off on my next adventure, I will remember that no matter what happens while I'm there, I accomplished something great. Even though I'm traveling by plane this time, I know that the same emotions will hit me when I see that skyline welcoming me into it's heart.

Thanks for listening. Come back for more.

God Will Never Forsake You

I grew up in church. From fifth to twelfth grade I was involved in the youth group of Lake Avenue Christian Church. Every week, I would go to church on Sunday and then youth group on Sunday night. I've heard a lot of sermons. A lot. But I never really understood. I listened. I felt moved but I don't think I really internalized anything. I had many people that cared about me and tried so hard to beat these lessons into me. The Hayes/Main family specifically made an incredible impression on my faith. Though I was taught to not think this way, I thought I was a great person for going to church. I was above all of the people who drank and had sex in high school. I was a "Christian".

Today I sit here humbled by God. My whole life I have heard, "God will never forsake you." Which was already hard enough for me to understand and believe since I had been forsaken by my earthly father. It felt like God was just some distant being who watched me in my misery. I felt like he wanted my dad become the shell of a man to teach me a lesson. I was angry at this but didn't want to express it because I knew it would be received with the token, "God teaches us in strange ways." I hated this because I felt like I learned nothing. I just felt abandoned.
Let's rewind to a summer in Daytona, FL. A woman by the name of Maria finally broke down this fear of my natural response to "God's lessons". At first when she began asking me about my dad and God, I shut it down with my favorite phrase "I'm a stronger person because of it." which translates to "I don't want to talk about it." Her response changed my view of God completely. "God didn't want you to go through that." In a world where everything was God's plan, this idea sent shock waves through my whole life. I blamed God for my lack of a father figure when I should have been blaming my father for not being there. In that moment, I released all of the pent up anger for God. He didn't want me to be a wounded little person. The world did this to me, not God. In that moment, I cried what felt like 18 years worth of tears. I also realized that God is the father I need. He won't leave. Ever. He's been here longer than me and will still be there for my great great great grandchildren.

Fast forward to now. Within the last year, I have made so many mistakes. I have, as I keep mentioning, thought of suicide. The burden of the person I had become, became too much. Looking back on these moments, I realize that I forgot a major part of God. His forgiveness. I heard so often about God's mercy. As every other lesson, it went in one ear and out the other. I guess I hadn't done anything to be forgiven at that point. I realize that God doesn't care what mistakes I've made in the past year. He only cares about my future and the good things I have done on this earth. His true forgiveness has brought me out of a deep depression.

Now that I have FINALLY internalized these lessons, I am eager to learn more. My way of life with God has made me happier. Being able to rely on him, gives me great solace. Though it took me 8 years to learn it, I love the Lord and what he does for me.

Thanks for listening. Come back for more.

Self-Inflicted

I take responsibility for my own actions. Well, at least I'm starting to now. So right now I have the responsibility to say that I have not been practicing what I preach.

In one of my previous post, I vowed to focus on myself and not worry about men. This would be much easier if I hadn't discovered Tinder. This app, for those that don't know, is the most addicting dating app for people my age. It presents you with pictures and profiles of guys/girls near by. If you like them, you swipe right. If you don't like them, you swipe left. If you both swipe right, you can chat. It's so easy and so deadly for me personally. I made a profile with the intention of "having fun" which is code for feel good about myself because men are interested in my based on a little profile on their phone. How flattering. Though I have met some real creeps and some really desperate men, I met one guy that I really liked.

He's a junior at UD and he's so good-looking. I have to admit that when we started messaging, I was still dating my previous boyfriend. Though I feel guilty, that was not the reason I ended that relationship. Once I was "free", I began messaging, let's call him Jay, I began messaging Jay constantly. He was funny and thought I was funny and I felt like he was so much cooler than most of the people on Tinder.

But I made two crucial mistakes. First mistake, continuing to message him after I "decided" to be single and free. If I would have stopped talking to him and focused on me, I would have avoided all of this. But hindsight is 20/20. My second mistake is the real story of this fleeting relationship.

Jay and I are messaging on a Saturday evening, at this point in time, it seemed like he really wanted to meet me. He was seemed like a real gentleman and wanted to meet in more of a date setting. I was excited. I wanted to meet him and see what he was like. Either way, I liked him. Even though I kept saying, "I'm not looking to date anyone right now." to myself and others, I was really hoping this would be a dating relationship. I don't mean like a dating relationship where we meeting each others parents and reveal our deepest secrets and fears to each other. Hell no. I just wanted to go out with a guy on dates. Plain and simple. Go ice skating, laser tagging, or just go to dinner. Simple dating relationship. So on this Saturday evening we are talking about possibly meeting. He beat around the bush a lot and I told him, "I'm going to B-Dubs on Brown street whether you're there or not." He said he was busy getting ready for some major drinking event for his frat house. So I did as I told him and went to B-Dubs alone. While I was waiting for my to-go order, he texts me and asks if he can come meet me while I'm waiting for my food. I said okay. When he arrived, I already had my food. So we walked up and down the block before I got back in my car to go to the Black Box. It was only like a minute but I thought he was so cute and sweet! I remember I got in the car and I was saying, "HE IS ADORABLE!" to myself. Something I hadn't realized during this encounter, he had been drinking. This is important information for the rest of this story.

Later that night, I'm watching SNL with Dave and I receive a text message that says, "You should come here ;)" This is where I made my second mistake. I went. I show up at a frat house in the heart of UD. I tried to dance a little bit but just asked him if we could go somewhere to be alone. He took me to his apartment and we fooled around. This was the nail in the coffin.

After this, he has never wanted to see me unless he was completely drunk. He'll text me here and there but not as much as when he was shit-faced. The last time I left his apartment, I realized that we would never go on a date. He would never ask me a question about myself or even if he did, he wouldn't care about the answer. I was a just a booty call.

This is not a story about how terrible men are. I'm not a victim in this scenario. I'm the main suspect. I'm the one who murdered this relationship. Though I do believe that if he actually liked me, he would have said no, I also believe that I set this precedent. I told this guy through my actions that treating me like a piece of meat was okay. For me personally, it was not what I wanted. But alas, it happened. I made a mistake and probably lost someone I could have really liked and seemed to like me. If we would have gone on a date or something, and he still seems to only want that, then yes, I could blame him. But we didn't so I can't.

I'm taking responsibility for all of my actions, especially with men. A lot of people act like men are terrible and that they hurt us by not caring about us. But I think sometimes we open ourselves up to be hurt. If you're like me and will do anything to make men like you, then this will be a huge struggle in your life. I realized that even though I know that relationships like this are toxic, I have to fight them all of my life because of the way I am. Everyone does. It's so easy to fall into these relationships because we feel wanted. But it normally lasts for one night. Then the morning after, you walk away feeling alone and taken advantage of. But I think it is only because we aren't comfortable admitting that we did this to ourselves by not expecting more.

Thanks for listening. Come back for more.

Fishing For Friends

I have always had a lot of people around me. I'm a very social person so the idea of a lot of people thrilled me. I liked making people laugh. I still like that but recently, I realized something. I'm actually lonely.

I remember the first day I could drive all by myself. I took my drivers test in the morning and after school, I was free to roam where ever I wanted to go, within the greater New Carlisle area. Most kids, to my understanding, go straight to a friend's house and then go out to eat or go to a park or just go ANYWHERE. The fact is that they go with someone. At the time, I had at least 3 "best friends" and a boyfriend. I didn't pick any of them up. I didn't even call. Do you want to know what I did? Of course you do. You're still reading. I got the keys, sat in the car, checked my mirrors, and drove to Fazoli's. What did I do at Fazoli's? I ate a whole lasagna by myself, bread sticks included. A sixteen year old girl eating alone in a Fazoli's. I could have called anyone. I could gone anywhere. Been social with so many people. But I didn't. Since then, I have learned to love being alone. Ever since that day, when I get in a car I feel so comfortable. I can sing as loud as I want and say anything I want. No one is there to judge me. I can cry. Honestly, the car is the only place I cry now. Even if someone on the road sees me, I don't really care. They will drive away and forget they ever saw me. I like it that way. I never get the "Awe! What's wrong? It's gonna be okay!" When people say that to me without knowing what's wrong with me, I want to hurt them physically. That doesn't happen in the car. It's my little safe metal box.

Having the mentality of only being safe when I'm alone has lead to me being lonely. I realized that I don't feel safe around anyone. Currently, I have two "best friends" and neither of them know how sad I am sometimes. Neither of them know that I lose the will to live often. Neither of them know that I cry in my car. Though these two humans know more than anyone else, they still don't know a lot of what is going on in my head. I'm so afraid of saying somethings out loud to another human that I just don't. This fear keeps me from having successful relationships with men. I play the, "You don't understand me," card when it's really just that I don't want them to. If they understood me, they could judge me and ultimately leave me or know just how crazy I am.

So I live a life where I am around people a lot but don't express myself. I play a character of what I think is acceptable in the situation. I'm not being someone else, I'm being a different version of myself. The confident, charming, lovable part of myself. I have a blast, say goodbye to everyone, and get in my car. I get in my car and cry. It just happens.

I realize that no matter how much fun I have with those people, I can never really rely on them. Not because of their own faults, but mine.

I have no happy ending or lesson to this story. I just have the confession that I am lonely. I also want to say that I'm not asking anyone to be my friend or anything like that. I'm just admitting that though I act put together and self-aware in this blog, I have only learned those things from being lonely and talking to myself in my car. Maybe in a month I will have the solution or answer to this "problem" or maybe I won't. You'll just have to check back and see.

Thanks for listening. Come back for more.

It's Not You, It's Me.

I have the saddest most terrible news a girl can report on her blog...I broke up with my boyfriend. "OH MY GOD! NOW SHE'S ALONE! WHAT IS SHE GOING TO DO? DIE ALONE?"
NO.
Yes, I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 months. No, my life is not ruined. Yes, we are still civil.
Cool. Now that we got through that, here's why:

I don't love myself.

This may sound like an excuse but it's truly the reason why. How can I expect to "love" anyone else when I can't even love myself? I can't and no matter what I said to him, I didn't love him. I have truly loved one guy in my life and, as of last night, I realized that was a mistake. I have told every guy I've been with since that one I actually loved, "I love you." But I didn't mean it. Well, I meant something else when I said those three fateful words. "Fix me." I thought that I "loved" someone they would fix me. They would take away my insecurities and fears. Mind you, they really did...for the first two months. Then it was back to hating myself for who I am and what I've become. I hoped they would give me the motivation to live. They did...for the first two months. I prayed they would think I was interesting. They really did...but I didn't find them interesting. I got bored and broke it off. I blamed my poor choice in men and that I would find one better next time. An idea that has been pounded into me through a generation that claims nothing is our fault. This was my fault. To be honest, I have make pretty good choices with men. I have never been verbally or physically abused. All the guys I've been with are smart and funny guys. I can't report any "crazies".  I have done pretty well. But it's not about them. This is about me. Though these men really thought they loved me, they loved the version of myself I played around them. I have a certain amount of information I am comfortable telling them and then that's it. They don't get anymore because  I'm afraid they won't love me anymore. Some of that comes from my first love dropping me like a sack of potatoes. Some of that comes from my dad dropping me like a box of rocks because of his own issues. Some of that comes from me considering myself no better than a sack of potatoes or a box of rocks. But it is really hard to show people who I really am, or the undesirable sides of me. Why put that much of myself into it if they are just gonna leave? So that's how I've lived. Hoping that with each guy, this discomfort with myself will disappear.

I was just missing one key element...

I need to love me too.

It took my 19 years but I think this is a valuable lesson.
Before this, I jokingly called myself a "whore" or a "stupid actress"
Now, I call myself beautiful. I look in the mirror and think how great I am. I hear my voice and think I am smart. 

So I'm going to date myself for a while. Buy myself dinners, put on nice clothes to feel pretty, work with myself everyday to improve.

I'm done hurting others and myself. In order to do that, I have to be alone with myself for a long time.

My life is just beginning. I want to spend the rest of it with a person I love, which right now, is myself.

Thanks for listening. Come back for more.

Best Friends Forever

Think about your high school best friend. It's probably been a while since you've seen them, right? Are you still close? Do you still talk a lot? Do you still call them when you need someone? Well, if you're like me, the answer is no. To be honest, I had a couple of "best friends" in high school. Friend's B and A. B was my best friend. Truly. We were like sisters. We talked like sisters, we laughed like sisters, we fought like sisters. I mean I fought with her. I was pretty mean to her sometimes. It was really only because I cared about her so much, I wanted the best for her. That aggressive fight led to our demise I think. She was never angry with me. She always respected the fact that my life was my own. She may have disagreed but she respected that. I, unfortunately, did not. I basically told her she was wrong for being with every one of her boyfriends. Because I thought they weren't the one for here, I basically wouldn't listen to anything she said about them. It got so bad that she didn't tell me when she started dating them. She just let me find out through the internet because she knew my reaction would be this face:
http://brgag.com.br/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/0-07253500-1328642316-disgusted-face-png.jpg
It also got to the point that she yelled, "Why do I even talk to you about this stuff?!?!" in a public place.
Thanks to this mentality, I didn't receive any notice of her dating someone. Thanks to this mentality, Facebook told me she was engaged to this someone. Thanks to this mentality, I won't be standing next to her at the alter. She chose someone who supports her and loves her no matter what. It wasn't just distance that tore us a part. It was me.

Friend A is a different story. Friend A was my second best friend. She was like my second string. When friend B wasn't there, friend A stepped in like a champion. We were able to share parts of ourselves with each other that no one else would understand. She was beautiful, funny, charming, and innocent. These things were what led to our demise. She didn't know she was all of these things so I tried to convince her. I did this mostly to her face. Because of my insecurities, I began to feel jealous. She was so unaware of how wonderful she was, it made me angry. Anger seems to be my mode of communication. Soon after, I began talking behind her back. It was childish and mean. The worst part was that when she came to me to talk, I acted like nothing bothered me. I was a very good friend. But then I would turn around and talk about how annoying she is. I have apologized to her since but I can never forget what I did to her. Because I was unhappy with who I was, I took it out on this poor girl. A, I am truly sorry.

My high school friends are gone now. Not because we grew apart. Not because we live too far from each other. We fell apart thanks to my anger. Part of this blog is to show the world and myself that I have made mistakes. I made mistakes even before I realized I could. The silver lining is that I learned from this. Though, my friendships with these girls is damaged, I can take these lessons and use them in future friendships and relationships in general. I've learned to not take people for granted. I learned. That's all I can really say. I learned

Thanks for listening. Come back for more.

Snow Day, Shmow Day

In case you didn't know or live in Australia, it's cold outside. It's so cold that I couldn't even get in my car because it was frozen shut. Thanks to this, I have been in my house for the past two days doing almost nothing. I did a little bit of sewing and wrote a page of my new play. Considering I have been here for 48 hours, that is nothing. I have sat on the same spot on the couch until my boyfriend and I watched Indiana Jones in my bedroom. Immediately after, I'm back in my spot. I've watched a lot of news. I found out that Saturday Night Live has a new cast member. I fell in love with Jimmy Fallon. I haven't been writing posts on here because nothing has been happening. Until right now. I want to talk about technology. Not like iPhone models and apps. I want to talk about the fact that I can't get off my computer. If it is not in my lap, something is wrong. I open it the minute I get up and don't close it until I go to bed. As I have expressed before, I love to play the Sims 3 everyday. Nothing makes me more distant from reality than this video game. Every time I make one of the children do homework, I think about the homework I'm not doing. Sometimes I even get snappy with my mom because she interrupts my fake life. Having a child in the Sims is more important than taking the trash out, obviously. Most of the day, I am on Facebook watching my friends get pregnant and engaged. It doesn't satisfy me. Knowing that others are also addicted to their technology only makes me feel better about my online trolling. Then I go to Postsecret.com. This makes me feel less alone. People share their secrets in beautiful postcards. Some secrets are shocking, some funny, and some saddening. Either way, I feel more connected to these people than I ever have to people on Facebook. This website shows that others get depressed and think weird thoughts and have bad stories. My computer is a huge distraction.

When I'm not on the computer, I feel physically better. My eyes don't hurt and I can stay awake for more than 12 hours. I have so much energy. I listen to my mom. Recently, I've realized that she talks a lot about my family history. When I was 16, I rolled my eyes at the thought of this but now I love to hear it. I even ask questions. Crazy, right?
When I'm not on the computer, I go outside. Sunday night, I went to my oldest friend's house for dinner and to say goodbye until summer. That night, I realized that I didn't know as much about this girl than I thought. We had been friend's forever. Okay maybe not forever but I can never remember a day when she wasn't a part of my life. I have never enjoyed our time as much as this one time when we just sat and talked. I found a new love for a person that seemed so familiar to me that I thought I couldn't learn anything else. No amount of "likes" on Facebook can amount to that experience.
When I'm not on the computer, I feel like life has a purpose. When I'm up and doing things, I remember that I can accomplish things. I actually learn new things. When I'm on my spot, I can feel myself wasting away. When I'm in a very uncomfortable desk in 2L12 (that's the theater classroom at Sinclair), I feel like my life is moving forward. When Kim is yelling out emotions as I stand in front of a class of my peers, I feel like I will do something with my life.

As my classes hopefully start tomorrow, I will be thankful I have a reason to yank me out of my sunken in seat on the couch.

Technology is good and has changed the way we live, but just remember that the best moments in life aren't on a glowing screen. Unless Cecily Strong tweets you. Then maybe the best thing that has happened to you is on a screen. But that only happens to a select few.

Thanks for reading. Come back for more.