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Hello internets. I have a simple message for you today....

Thank you for reading this blog. I know you don't have to but you still choose to take a couple of minutes out of your day to listen to my take on this short life we have. Every time someone tells me they read this blog, I get so embarrassed. How could anyone really care what's coming out of my 20 year old brain? Seriously, there are lists about things only introverts understand to be reading. I only make lists of things that are very personal to me and people still read them. I started this blog as a sort of message in a bottle. I wanted to record my 20's in a way other than just writing in my notebook. I also have this philosophy that if you're brave enough to confront issues in life, like I do on this blog, you owe it to the people who aren't to confront them head on. I never imagined it would come up at parties and in class and such. It has taught me that I am heard. I'm not shouting into oblivion, I'm reaching the brains of my peers. Whether it helps people or it's just light reading that isn't about ISIS, I don't care. I'm just glad it's interesting to some people.

Thank you so much for reading my sad poems and epiphanies. Thank you for following my "love life" and my grieving process. Thank you for sharing your stories with me. Thank you.

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No Way

How many tears can one girl make?

This winter I lost a dear young friend,

Without a wake.

He was a friend,

Who liked to pretend,

We would love each other until the end.

On Valentine’s Day, my trust was thrown away,

Because earlier that day, he asked me to stay.

I said no way.

When I had gotten the call,

That he had taken his potential all,

From a spot where he was bald,

I had to crawl, up in a fetal ball,

And scream, no way.

As I put on a black shirt,

On a Tuesday so cold, it hurt,

My brain was not alert,

To the images that would cross my eyes,

And the sounds that would incarnate my cries,

And make me say,

No way.

On my wall hangs a picture of you,

A picture of just a girl and a jew,

Sharing a party like real friends do,

I look up to remember you,

And all the things I never knew,

About you.

And hoping today,

I’ll no longer say,

To any friends I wish to stay,

I’ll no longer say,

No way.

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Acceptance

This past weekend, I met a little improv group called the Plastic Shatners. They hail from Bowling Green State University. I met these lovely humans because one of my oldest former frenemies (now friends), Natalie is their coach/director. I spent a wonderful day with them, watching them perform, eating pizza, riding trains, and seeing more improv. Exciting stuff. But this entry isn't about them.

A few moments ago, I got a text from Natalie thanking me for recording and telling me how much they enjoyed hanging out. "The entire team really loves you!" were her exact words. At that moment, I was filled with so much joy that a tiny squeak escaped my mouth. They liked me! An entire group of people liked me. YAY!

But then I suddenly realized how much joy I was getting from this sentiment. Then I started to think about how all I ever wanted was for them to like me. From the minute she introduced me, I wanted them to think I was cool and interesting. I wanted their acceptance. This troubled me a little bit. I started to think about all the groups of people or even just single persons that I want to accept me and how much "happier" I would be if they did. This seems so silly. I like me. I think I've got interesting things to say. I have a point of view that is completely unique to me. So why do I care if certain people also enjoy me? I mean everyone cares if people like them. But why do I care SO MUCH!?

Though I really enjoyed the Plastic Shatners, and think that everyone at BGSU should be going to see every show they put on, I still think I craved their acceptance like I do with many other people. I'm starting to believe that might be the root of a lot of my unhappiness and depressive days. The question, "Why aren't I cool enough for them?" sends me into a spiral of emotions and I'm sick of it.

I repeat I like me. HECK I LOVE ME! I think I'm funny and I love being around people who think the same. That's all I need to focus on. I don't need to prove anything to anyone but myself. I answer to two people, myself and God. That's it.

This is really just a random post with a revelation I had right before my afternoon nap. Please read it and give any feedback you wish.

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Dear Creativity

Dear Creativity,

         Hello dear old friend. I hope you’re doing well wherever you are; on the sandy beaches of Costa Rica, under the stars in Italy or at a noisy pub in Ireland. I really hope you’re gaining experiences and stories there to bring back to me. Also, when are you coming back? I have a couple of projects I’d like to work on but I really need you by my side. I know things got complicated when we went back to Ohio, but I think a month and a half is enough time to get back to normal. I know you aren’t the same since then but that doesn’t mean you can’t still be here with me.

         You’ve done some really great stuff. You’ve created at least 15 minutes of successful stand up, including the crowd favorite “Cougar trapped in a little girl’s body”. That was all you! I can only take credit because I’m the human you used to bring it to life. Creativity, listen, I don’t know why you left but please come back. One death of a former friend is no reason to go running away to distant lands without me. If you come back, I promise I’ll work with you. I’ll transcribe your ideas for the world and all will be well. I have so many dick jokes that won’t be funny without you. Just please come back. There is a spot for you at my desk, in my brain and in my heart. I don’t want to get sappy but I’m nothing without you. I chose a life with you rather than practicality. Because of this, practicality still isn’t speaking to me. I would be upset by that but I don’t really care. I want you in my life until the day that I die. So please please please, come back to me.

         Now I’m begging. I’ll stop constantly checking Facebook if you come back. You wanna know why? Because I won’t need to because I’ll be too busy spending time writing with you. SO PLEASE COME BACK!

                                                                                           Sincerely,

                                                                               Weird Ally Yank-A-Dick

#blessed

Alright, alright! I've noticed how much I've been posting sad/angsty entries in the last couple of months. After losing Dave, I felt like all I could write was poems about death and heartbreak. Well ladies and gay gentlemen, I'm changing that tonight. After I lost him, I realized how often I take friends for granted. I focus on my "damage" in my writing rather than my blessings. I want to spotlight a couple of people who, not only read this blog on a regular basis but, give me a happy life, full of laughter and love. So here it goes:

1) Megan "You Would Be So Lucky" Stalter- This gal has been on my side from the minute I met her. I remember seeing her in a show at the Black Box and thinking, she is unlike anyone I've ever met. After that, I never really spoke with her often. We would laugh together at comedy shows but it never really went past acquaintances. That is, until I started this blog. One post resonated with Megan in a special way and she messaged me immediately after she read it. She wrote a poem to me about how we aren't the decisions we make. It was beautiful and from that moment on, I knew I wanted her in my life. The minute I moved to Chicago, she welcomed me with out stretched arms and an open car door. Though I haven't seen much of her since I've been back, when I did see her, it was as if nothing had changed.
Now the sappy part: Megan is one of those people that fill you with happiness. I will always remember our car rides back into the city screaming, "WE LIVE HERE!" and crying from laughing so hard. Every time I leave her side, I gain a sense of why I wanted to do comedy in the first place. She re-energizes me in a way no one else can. Her passion for life is contagious and let's just say I'm not washing my hands anytime soon. People like her deserve all the love and affection in the world. Any guy would be lucky to have her but the comedy world is truly the most blessed to have her walking around it's most sacred halls. I love this girl and love seeing her blow the lid off of the world in a funny and unique way.

2) Kara Back-Schaefer- I really don't need to tell her how much she means to me because she is my best best best friend. Kara and I met when our parents began dating at least 10 years ago. I remember meeting her and calling her "Car-Uh" multiple times. I wasn't really sure about how to feel about her until we started playing a Harry Potter videogame. I finally thought, I like this kid, and began to be friends with her. Months later, our parents stopped dating and we stopped being "sisters". Though this was sad, we moved on and didn't speak for years. FAST FORWARD to 2013 when I posted a status about going on a trip to Chicago whether I went alone or not. Kara commented that she would go and 2 months later, we entered Chicago on a Megabus with tears in our eyes. This trip bonded us in a way that not many newer friendships get to bond. We got lost, got drunk, got silly. We became best friends that weekend. After that trip was over, we vowed that we would take a trip every year to a place we had never been. This year, we kept that promise and went to Charleston, SC to visit my friend Doug. The bond tightened even more. Right now, we have our own lives happening in two completely different places but we maintain a friendship. Long distance is hard but she keeps it fun. We call every Sunday and "update" each other on our exciting or boring weeks.

Let's get sappy for a second: Kara is the calm to my storm. Though she can be wacky and crazy just like me, she spends half of the time consoling me and telling me when it's going to be alright. We are brutally honest with each other in a way that I haven't really experience in other friendship. I can't tell you how many times either one of us tells the other that life is going to suck for a while but we will learn something from each experience. Kara is one of the finest examples of a human being I've ever met. Her acceptance of me and my shit makes me more than grateful to her. She is going to help more people than I can even fathom and anyone would be lucky to have her in their life. I sure as hell know I am. I love her and hope she calls me every Sunday until one of us is covered in dirt.

3) Jordan "Jersey" Cohen- Holy shit, where do I even start with this one? I met her in my first improv class here in Chicago. In her signature peplum, flower combo, she was an interesting sight to behold. She spoke with such confidence and determination, even in the words, "My name is Jordan!" I remember laughing at everything she said. A week or so passed and I received a message from her asking if I wanted to go to the free improv set at Second City. I said yes and our friendship began. Thanks to one Facebook message, I was blessed with a friend unlike any I had before.We fight and bicker, but we always end on a high note. She is one of those friends I know I can be real with and vice versa. I enjoy her presence more and more everyday.

Ugh, sappy sappy sappy: Jordan will be famous one day. She will change the world through comedy in one way or another. She is the hardest working person I've ever met...well when she really cares about something she is the hardest working person I've ever met. She is stubborn but kind. She is beautiful but humble. She is hilarious but grounded. I'm madly in love with her and her friendship means the world to me. I call her one of my muses because I absolutely mean it. She inspires me on a daily basis and never ceases to surprise me. She lives the way I've always dreamed and I'm honored that she wants me to be a part of her life. I honestly can't wait to see what life has for her next.

Honorable Mentions:
Becca Sebree- Your confidence in me and kindness helps me more than you know.
Lily White- I want to be you when I grow up.
Jamie Meun- I'm constantly floored by your sense of humor and loving disposition.
Julia Musolino- You keep me honest and make me pee from laughing.
Shyrleen Doughty- I got all my good traits from you and I owe you everything. 
Kathleen Hotmer- You're guidance and friendship keep me from growing gray hairs.
Matt Hayes- You've never given up on me. One day, I will repay you, Pseudo-dad.

As a closing statement, I would like to challenge anyone who read this to look around at the people in your life and think about whether they insight such passion in you. If they do, tell them thank you. Sometimes people need to know they are needed.

Thanks for listening. Come back for more. 

December 30th, 2015

Pregnancy scares bring out every couples true colors. 36 hours ago, my colors were blazing.

Monday night, I went to Columbus. I was celebrating my oldest friend Lily's birthday with our friend Robin. We had a fantastic time eating gigantic sandwiches and laughing over old times. It was a splendid evening with good company. The whole time, though, I had another reason for going to the capitol of Ohio. One word: Charles. The C word met us at the Dube after all of our giggles started to get tired. He came in like he always does with shifty eyes and hands in his pockets. It's always nerve wracking when your boyfriend is meeting your friends. It's even more nerve wracking when your ex-boyfriend/current lover is meeting your conservative christian friends. As usual, it took time to warm up but within 10 minutes we were all laughing and joking. Soon, it was time for my friends to go back to reality in New Carlisle. I said goodbye to them and walked to Charles' apartment with my book bag full of clothes and toiletries.

Romance and nudity ensued for a couple of hours. We missed each other and it was very evident in our frustration about his roommate wanting to hang out. At roughly 2am, we were "going at it" and I hear a noise so terrifying, it sends shivers up your spine. The condom broke as he was blasting off. A panic ensues and I run to the bathroom to "wash it out" which my many health classes have taught me doesn't really work. But hey, this is a pregnancy were talking about. I've got too many things I'd like to do to my body, like eat sushi and smoke cigars when other people have "planned" babies. My hot, young life flashed before my eyes in a way it never had before. After I finished my pointless washing, I went back downstairs and hugged Charles with all the muscles in my arms and body. He reminded me of Plan B and we began to breathe again. But the breaths came with fears. We began realizing that we were playing with fire here. Not just by having sex with only one form of protection, but emotionally. We began to wonder why we were still pretending like this relationship was normal. Every time I came into town, we would play house for a couple of days and then went back to our lives alone. We started realizing that we weren't sure whether we were doing "this" because we actually care about each other or whether we were doing "this" because we were lonely and wanted to pretend that we have someone even if it's just for a little while.

After tears and threats of walking out, we decided that night would be our last for a long time. We decided we needed to do some soul searching away from each other. Though we were no longer together, we had been talking regularly since our break up, as you've heard in this blog. This "accident" made me realize that I love my life right now more than him. I need to know what life would be like without anyone to think about romantically. As I keep claiming, comedy is my one true love.

By the end of this conversation, I wasn't sad with this decision. I just wanted to spend another day with him before the end. I told him I was staying and we went to sleep.

The next day was amazing. We hung out with his friends, ate lots of food, and drank lots of alcoholic beverages. As we spent this day together, I started to feel happy with the decision. We both need this. How can I be sad about spending many months with someone who made me happy every moment we were in the same room? I can't so I'll move on. I already did once before. Except this time, it's for real.

So on the date in the title of this blog, we will meet again and see what whole year can do. I miss him dearly but I know, and 4 months in Chicago has proven, I will be okay. 

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Gifts from my Valentine

As I'm going through my grieving process, I keep feeling the need to remember Dave in the best way. Though there is lots of anger, I refuse to focus on that. He was my friend and I loved him, so as a friend I need to remember him at his best. Most people say his best attribute was his generosity. He was ALWAYS willing to lend a helping hand in any way possible. He helped me move into my apartment, listened to me cry over boys, and stopped me from over thinking when I was upset with the world. He did a lot for me. He also gave me a lot of stuff. He bought me presents for each Christmas we knew each other and the one birthday we were friends. He gave me a couple of other gifts as well. I want to take a minute and share some of the things Dave gave to me.

-1 copy of Scott Pilgrim VS The World (movie)
-1 bath
-1 vibrator
-99 orgasms via aforementioned vibrator
-7 bowls of rice and chicken
-1 incredible Valentines Day
-2 kisses
-9 compliments on my butt
-1 lesson on the falsehood of jeans in terms of butt size
-60 more years of love for rock climbing
-10-20 free movies
-Countless rides
-1 piece of mind
-20+ frights
-2 heart attacks
-1 broken heart
-100 tears from laughing with him
-1000 tears from living without him
-3 trips to a graveyard
-2 letters he'll never read
-1 friendship worth millions
-1 legacy to honor
-0 more years with him


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