It's Not You, It's Me.

I have the saddest most terrible news a girl can report on her blog...I broke up with my boyfriend. "OH MY GOD! NOW SHE'S ALONE! WHAT IS SHE GOING TO DO? DIE ALONE?"
NO.
Yes, I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 months. No, my life is not ruined. Yes, we are still civil.
Cool. Now that we got through that, here's why:

I don't love myself.

This may sound like an excuse but it's truly the reason why. How can I expect to "love" anyone else when I can't even love myself? I can't and no matter what I said to him, I didn't love him. I have truly loved one guy in my life and, as of last night, I realized that was a mistake. I have told every guy I've been with since that one I actually loved, "I love you." But I didn't mean it. Well, I meant something else when I said those three fateful words. "Fix me." I thought that I "loved" someone they would fix me. They would take away my insecurities and fears. Mind you, they really did...for the first two months. Then it was back to hating myself for who I am and what I've become. I hoped they would give me the motivation to live. They did...for the first two months. I prayed they would think I was interesting. They really did...but I didn't find them interesting. I got bored and broke it off. I blamed my poor choice in men and that I would find one better next time. An idea that has been pounded into me through a generation that claims nothing is our fault. This was my fault. To be honest, I have make pretty good choices with men. I have never been verbally or physically abused. All the guys I've been with are smart and funny guys. I can't report any "crazies".  I have done pretty well. But it's not about them. This is about me. Though these men really thought they loved me, they loved the version of myself I played around them. I have a certain amount of information I am comfortable telling them and then that's it. They don't get anymore because  I'm afraid they won't love me anymore. Some of that comes from my first love dropping me like a sack of potatoes. Some of that comes from my dad dropping me like a box of rocks because of his own issues. Some of that comes from me considering myself no better than a sack of potatoes or a box of rocks. But it is really hard to show people who I really am, or the undesirable sides of me. Why put that much of myself into it if they are just gonna leave? So that's how I've lived. Hoping that with each guy, this discomfort with myself will disappear.

I was just missing one key element...

I need to love me too.

It took my 19 years but I think this is a valuable lesson.
Before this, I jokingly called myself a "whore" or a "stupid actress"
Now, I call myself beautiful. I look in the mirror and think how great I am. I hear my voice and think I am smart. 

So I'm going to date myself for a while. Buy myself dinners, put on nice clothes to feel pretty, work with myself everyday to improve.

I'm done hurting others and myself. In order to do that, I have to be alone with myself for a long time.

My life is just beginning. I want to spend the rest of it with a person I love, which right now, is myself.

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Best Friends Forever

Think about your high school best friend. It's probably been a while since you've seen them, right? Are you still close? Do you still talk a lot? Do you still call them when you need someone? Well, if you're like me, the answer is no. To be honest, I had a couple of "best friends" in high school. Friend's B and A. B was my best friend. Truly. We were like sisters. We talked like sisters, we laughed like sisters, we fought like sisters. I mean I fought with her. I was pretty mean to her sometimes. It was really only because I cared about her so much, I wanted the best for her. That aggressive fight led to our demise I think. She was never angry with me. She always respected the fact that my life was my own. She may have disagreed but she respected that. I, unfortunately, did not. I basically told her she was wrong for being with every one of her boyfriends. Because I thought they weren't the one for here, I basically wouldn't listen to anything she said about them. It got so bad that she didn't tell me when she started dating them. She just let me find out through the internet because she knew my reaction would be this face:
http://brgag.com.br/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/0-07253500-1328642316-disgusted-face-png.jpg
It also got to the point that she yelled, "Why do I even talk to you about this stuff?!?!" in a public place.
Thanks to this mentality, I didn't receive any notice of her dating someone. Thanks to this mentality, Facebook told me she was engaged to this someone. Thanks to this mentality, I won't be standing next to her at the alter. She chose someone who supports her and loves her no matter what. It wasn't just distance that tore us a part. It was me.

Friend A is a different story. Friend A was my second best friend. She was like my second string. When friend B wasn't there, friend A stepped in like a champion. We were able to share parts of ourselves with each other that no one else would understand. She was beautiful, funny, charming, and innocent. These things were what led to our demise. She didn't know she was all of these things so I tried to convince her. I did this mostly to her face. Because of my insecurities, I began to feel jealous. She was so unaware of how wonderful she was, it made me angry. Anger seems to be my mode of communication. Soon after, I began talking behind her back. It was childish and mean. The worst part was that when she came to me to talk, I acted like nothing bothered me. I was a very good friend. But then I would turn around and talk about how annoying she is. I have apologized to her since but I can never forget what I did to her. Because I was unhappy with who I was, I took it out on this poor girl. A, I am truly sorry.

My high school friends are gone now. Not because we grew apart. Not because we live too far from each other. We fell apart thanks to my anger. Part of this blog is to show the world and myself that I have made mistakes. I made mistakes even before I realized I could. The silver lining is that I learned from this. Though, my friendships with these girls is damaged, I can take these lessons and use them in future friendships and relationships in general. I've learned to not take people for granted. I learned. That's all I can really say. I learned

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Snow Day, Shmow Day

In case you didn't know or live in Australia, it's cold outside. It's so cold that I couldn't even get in my car because it was frozen shut. Thanks to this, I have been in my house for the past two days doing almost nothing. I did a little bit of sewing and wrote a page of my new play. Considering I have been here for 48 hours, that is nothing. I have sat on the same spot on the couch until my boyfriend and I watched Indiana Jones in my bedroom. Immediately after, I'm back in my spot. I've watched a lot of news. I found out that Saturday Night Live has a new cast member. I fell in love with Jimmy Fallon. I haven't been writing posts on here because nothing has been happening. Until right now. I want to talk about technology. Not like iPhone models and apps. I want to talk about the fact that I can't get off my computer. If it is not in my lap, something is wrong. I open it the minute I get up and don't close it until I go to bed. As I have expressed before, I love to play the Sims 3 everyday. Nothing makes me more distant from reality than this video game. Every time I make one of the children do homework, I think about the homework I'm not doing. Sometimes I even get snappy with my mom because she interrupts my fake life. Having a child in the Sims is more important than taking the trash out, obviously. Most of the day, I am on Facebook watching my friends get pregnant and engaged. It doesn't satisfy me. Knowing that others are also addicted to their technology only makes me feel better about my online trolling. Then I go to Postsecret.com. This makes me feel less alone. People share their secrets in beautiful postcards. Some secrets are shocking, some funny, and some saddening. Either way, I feel more connected to these people than I ever have to people on Facebook. This website shows that others get depressed and think weird thoughts and have bad stories. My computer is a huge distraction.

When I'm not on the computer, I feel physically better. My eyes don't hurt and I can stay awake for more than 12 hours. I have so much energy. I listen to my mom. Recently, I've realized that she talks a lot about my family history. When I was 16, I rolled my eyes at the thought of this but now I love to hear it. I even ask questions. Crazy, right?
When I'm not on the computer, I go outside. Sunday night, I went to my oldest friend's house for dinner and to say goodbye until summer. That night, I realized that I didn't know as much about this girl than I thought. We had been friend's forever. Okay maybe not forever but I can never remember a day when she wasn't a part of my life. I have never enjoyed our time as much as this one time when we just sat and talked. I found a new love for a person that seemed so familiar to me that I thought I couldn't learn anything else. No amount of "likes" on Facebook can amount to that experience.
When I'm not on the computer, I feel like life has a purpose. When I'm up and doing things, I remember that I can accomplish things. I actually learn new things. When I'm on my spot, I can feel myself wasting away. When I'm in a very uncomfortable desk in 2L12 (that's the theater classroom at Sinclair), I feel like my life is moving forward. When Kim is yelling out emotions as I stand in front of a class of my peers, I feel like I will do something with my life.

As my classes hopefully start tomorrow, I will be thankful I have a reason to yank me out of my sunken in seat on the couch.

Technology is good and has changed the way we live, but just remember that the best moments in life aren't on a glowing screen. Unless Cecily Strong tweets you. Then maybe the best thing that has happened to you is on a screen. But that only happens to a select few.

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Tar-get me out of here!

I work at Target. Yes, that company that just had a security leak. It wasn't our fault, get over it.
I work at this place where dreams go to die. Well, at least that's how it's been making me feel lately. I have had such a bad attitude for the last year of working there. If they don't give me a lot of hours, I complain because I need money. If they give me a lot of hours, I complain because I need down time. Nothing was ever going to make me happy. I would moan every time I put on those sand colored pants. But this morning as I woke up in the second day of 2014, the only sound that left my lips was the weird noise everyone makes when they stretch. Today, I will be thankful that I have a job. I will be thankful that I can earn money and go to school. I will be thankful that I can save for my future now. I will be thankful. Target is a great company to work for and I am lucky to have gotten this job. Heck, I like talking to people, cashiering is perfect for me. Though I don't want to work there for the rest of my life, I need to remember that I should enjoy it while I'm there. So come visit me and remind me why I'm thankful because I know some days I'll forget.

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As of August 2012

I wanted to share something I wrote for my acting class last year. The assignment was to write an Autodrama, or a ten minute performance about your life. I wrote and performed this in August of 2012. Enjoy.

AUTODRAMA

I’m an open book. I’ll tell you just about anything. You ask, I’ll tell. I’ll tell you I’m a virgin and am proud of it. I’ll tell you that I go to counseling every two weeks for ADD. I’ll tell you I hate that blimp in the air force museum, looming over me. That thing could serious smother everyone in that room without any hope of escape…..phew….okay! I’ll tell you anything, except a couple of things. A couple of things you can’t really tell by looking at my pasty little face.

When I was 7, I found out my dad was an alcoholic. I was sitting there playing Donkey Kong 64, waiting for him to make me a hot dog and found him laying on the air mattress in the living room passed out. After that night, I haven’t really looked at him the same. When I was a little bit older he passed out on New Years and I was alone playing Sims 2. I knew that wasn’t right. Not how that was supposed to be. I wrote him a note saying, “Dad enough is enough. Please get help. I love you.” It is really sad when the only songs a girl can relate to her father are Call Me When You’re Sober by Evanescence and Because of You by Kelly Clarkson. I’ve come to terms with it. He isn’t in my life and won’t ever be. He loved alcohol more than me. More than a relationship with me. He’s a weak man. No, not a man, a child. He doesn’t deserve me. He’s missing out on a daughter. A good daughter. Hell, an incredible daughter. The only issue now is who will walk me down the aisle? If I even get married. That’s not something a girl should have to think about. But whatever. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger huh?

I don’t want to have kids. I don’t trust any man enough with my children. I think that’s the reason I’m a virgin. I don’t trust any man enough to give him a part of me. I had a good guy. (removes shirt) His name was Matt and he loved me. He respected me. And I him. He would say “I won’t leave you like your dad did.” I couldn’t believe him. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t. I couldn’t trust anyone to be in my future because of my past.

(sings) I won’t let you close enough to hurt me, no I won’t rescue you to just desert me. I can’t give you what you think you gave me. It’s time to say goodbye, to turning tables.

But something happened this summer. Something magical almost. I heard a verse I had heard a thousand times before, but it rang a little differently in ear this time. “I will not forsake you.” and then it clicked. All the years I was bitter about my life and men and what they do to my life, I had a man all along that never left. I realized that He wasn’t like my earthly father. He was loving. I found God when I needed him most. Life was a little overwhelming. I was 18, just graduated, moving out, and starting my life. I don’t know how I would’ve made it through all of that without Him. When things get hard, and I want to just give up and drop out, it's like I hear a tiny voice that says “No, I made you for this. Keep going.” And I chug some coffee and keep going. I don’t care if it makes no sense or it doesn’t add up scientifically. I never really liked science anyway. Knowing that someone does love me, now that's the greatest feeling in the world. And feeling it on a daily basis is what life is all about. John Back is my dad. Jesus Christ is my Father.

So I’m going to go to Chicago and kick ass. Then when I get my show and win an Emmy, I won’t be thanking my dad for all his support. I’m going to thank my Father for giving me these talents and the courage to pursue them with all my heart. 

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The Perks of Self-Worth

I got my friend Dave a copy of Perks of Being a Wallflower for Christmas this year. I haven't watched it in a long time but remember loving it. I watched it last night and realized why I loved it so much and what an impact it made on my life about 8 months ago.

In October of 2012, I lost my virginity in a bathtub. Some of you have heard my stand up routine on the matter. Though this joke has brought joy and laughter to many, the experience left me with a lot of pain. I guess I just cope with humor. I got baptized in 7th grade and was in youth group my whole high school career. For those four years, I always looked down on girls who had sex in high school. I would call them "whores" even if they made love to their boyfriend after two years of dating. This is a time I gave Christianity a bad name. I was saying people who didn't life their lives the same way I did were wrong and immoral. I just couldn't understand what would lead a girl to do such a thing. My high school boyfriend broke up with me because I wouldn't go any further than kissing. "Good girls don't have sex". That what was always in my brain.
Fast forward to the night I got drunk and had sex for the first time. It was messy and uncomfortable and all around awkward but I still kept doing it. I thought the guy would like me if I put out. We hadn't even gone on a date. Long story short, we didn't end up together. This should have been enough evidence to realize that having sex was not the way to a man's heart. But alas, I had to learn it a second time.
Speed up to about April 2013. I had a huge crush on this guy in my acting classes. We were really close friends but I always wanted more. I kept telling people, "We're just friends." "I just want to be friends!" "Eww Josh! No way! Gross!" But I was just lying to myself. For some reason, I wanted him so bad I could taste it. Though I told him countless times how I felt, he still turned me down. But for some reason that didn't stop me. I just couldn't leave it alone. I thought maybe if he loved me everything would be okay. I would get the guy and life would be better. He would fix me.
So I pursued him to the point of asking to be friends with benefits. I mean, I seriously thought, "If I take his virginity, he'll fall in love with me." I was crazy.
We started secretly having sex. It was never very good and I always felt unsatisfied. I felt like I was doing it for him, not me. Every time, he would leave me immediately after. I walked him to my front door. I felt like a prostitute. It didn't make me feel safe or happy. It just made me depressed. I cried myself to sleep those nights. It brought back that idea of girls who have sex are whores, no matter what. I had only had sex with one other person but I kept calling myself a slut. Most of the time in a joking manner but every joke has an ounce of truth. Though this relationship was toxic for my self-esteem, I kept doing it. I thought, "Maybe next time he'll stay the night." He never did.
This kept going for a couple of weeks until I watched Perks of Being a Wallflower. No matter how many times people told me not to be with someone who doesn't want you, I didn't believe them. Not until I saw this movie. This movie truly depicted a "good guy." A guy who loved unconditionally. It depicted what love really is. Charlie loved Sam because she was Sam. He didn't love her because she was hot or because she was great in the sheets. He didn't care about those things. He just wanted to be with her in anyway he could. But also not in a crazy way like me. It was in that moment I knew I didn't want this relationship, or lack there of, anymore. I wanted a Charlie. I realized I deserved more.
The next day I ended it. I told him that I watched a movie and realized my worth. I told him I deserve better.
That empowerment wore off. The thing I couldn't get over was the idea that I was a whore. I had this idea that because he thought I was crazy, it was true. I thought that if he didn't want me, I wasn't worth his time. Even when he is long gone and his opinions don't matter I still had this idea of myself.
It took me a long time to realize that my past doesn't define me. I was talking to someone about this issue months after and they just said "Let it go." I learned from my mistakes with him. No, it wasn't a mistake, it was a lesson. I learned not take my worth from other people. Especially people who couldn't give a rat's ass whether you're alive or dead.

Moral of the story? Never let anyone else's feelings about you effect your feelings about you.

PS Don't lose your virginity in a bathtub. 

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3 Things I learned from playing the Sims

I've played the Sims since Sims 2 came out. I remember walking by all the original Sims expansion packs and thinking, "Man, I want to play that!" But one Christmas my grandma got it for me and I probably cried...privately. I began by making my family and a family friend. It was all I hoped for. As a kid, I'm not sure what attracted me to the game. Maybe I saw them as virtual barbie dolls. Like barbie dolls that I could tell what to do. Either way, I was hooked. I played so much that I forgot to eat. I mean that. I would be so wrapped up in the game, I didn't eat some days. So I know the Sims. But I also know real life. My computer stop playing the Sims my sophomore year of high school. This forced me to do something after school. Interact with human beings. So I started auditioning for the fall play and the spring musical. I made friends that I never would have in the game. But I digress.

After years in the Sims and years in the real world, I've realized what lessons can be learned from this seemingly meaningless game.

#1) Babies don't do much. Other sims can *Change Dirty Diaper*, *Snuggle*, *Play With*, *Give Bottle* and *Put in Crib*. That's it. This is so true in real life. I have two nieces and I have enjoyed their presence much more in their toddler years. Until a baby is about 6 months old, you love them because they are a baby or because they are your offspring. At about 6 months, they become people and you are able to love them for who they are. This has taught me to love babies for who they are from the minute they are born and not expect them to do anything spectacular. They are just little humans.

#2) Being a bookworm is an asset. I always used to think people who read all the time were boring. I didn't appreciate the power of books. In the Sims, people who are book worms learn skills much faster than others. I have never personally wanted to read but I recognize now that those who do might just be some of the smartest people in the world. Not more intelligent, just smarter. They enjoy learning and reading new information. That is one of the keys to success in my book. Ha. Unintentional pun. Boo-yah!

#3) You have to do work to become the person you want to be. In the Sims, if you learn how to walk and talk, you can choose the Sims trait. If you don't, a trait is chosen for you. To me, this is what real life is like. If you get your work done and you work hard, you can have your pick of what you want to be. In Sims it's traits, in real life, it's good jobs. I'm a community college student working at a Target for my living. I see that if I would have worked harder in my younger years, had a better work ethic, I would be in Chicago working my ass off. Hindsight is 20/20 but I watch all of my friends who got good grades in high school at their respective Universities working towards the life they dreamed. They aren't sitting at home whining on the internet. I believe that is because they learned long ago that hard work not only pays off in your professional life but also in your personal life.

That's my two cents y'all. Sims 3 is a wonderful game but it really suggest living life first.

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